I’ve done more google research than I care to admit. I’ve spent hours hiding in a dark, safe bedroom. I’ve counted calendar days. I’ve exercised my way out of it. Ive ate my way out of it. I’ve shopped my way out of it. I’ve snuggled my way out of it. I’ve pep talked my way out of it. I’ve binge watched tv to get relief. I’ve cooked. I’ve cleaned. I’ve taken walks. I’ve made lists.
I could list so many things I’ve tried but it’s still there. That one cool tear that slides down my cheek. The darkness just comes sometimes. I’m experienced enough now that I can sense it days before it’s arrival. I have learned to stop fighting it.
Instead, I hold it’s hand. Kiss its cheeks and get cozy. I let the thoughts swirl until my eyes fill with tears. I lay, wide eyed on my back until the tears are no longer warm. I lay until I can hear my own pulse, my breathing steady. I ground myself and focus on the steady rhythm of the cats purrs or the tick of the clock. One cool tear rolls down my face…I hear the faint tap sound as it hits the pillow. And then I rise.
The light in me has won again.