The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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One cold tear

I’ve done more google research than I care to admit. I’ve spent hours hiding in a dark, safe bedroom. I’ve counted calendar days. I’ve exercised my way out of it. Ive ate my way out of it. I’ve shopped my way out of it. I’ve snuggled my way out of it. I’ve pep talked my way out of it. I’ve binge watched tv to get relief. I’ve cooked. I’ve cleaned. I’ve taken walks. I’ve made lists. 

I could list so many things I’ve tried but it’s still there. That one cool tear that slides down my cheek. The darkness just comes sometimes. I’m experienced enough now that I can sense it days before it’s arrival. I have learned to stop fighting it. 

Instead, I hold it’s hand. Kiss its cheeks and get cozy. I let the thoughts swirl until my eyes fill with tears. I lay, wide eyed on my back until the tears are no longer warm. I lay until I can hear my own pulse, my breathing steady. I ground myself and focus on the steady rhythm of the cats purrs or the tick of the clock. One cool tear rolls down my face…I hear the faint tap sound as it hits the pillow. And then I rise. 

The light in me has won again. 

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The first 3 pounds

If you’ve read this blog for a while you know this is as real as it gets for me. This is where I journal and diary my thoughts. If you’re new here, welcome!!! I hope you enjoy this little place on the internet where I can purge my mind if the all consuming thoughts and move forward. 

Generally after I share a blog post, I feel refreshed and almost ethereal. I move past that little bump in the road that I was struggling with and it feels as if I’ve given myself a pep talk. It’s funny because I’ve always felt there were two sides to myself. One side is this gorgeous blooming fruit tree with sweet smells and bees buzzing happily and the other side is the complete opposite. It’s a crusty elm tree, smattered with fungus and cracked and exposed to the world…split apart by its own demise. Hardly anyone ever sees this elm tree aside from this blog space so thank you for reading thus far and not running away. I appreciate each and every reader and friend that has stumbled upon this diary. 

So back to the title of this post. I’m currently back to the keto lifestyle. I’ve abandoned my old friend, Dr Pepper. I completely ghosted him. In fact, I’ve shut him away in the trunk of my car. Literally. (I have plans to gift the rest of my stash to my brother.) I have broken up with carbs and am feeling so good! I took a waist measurement the other day and recorded it. That’s where I store most of my fat and bloat. Thanks PCOS. So that seems to be one of the best ways to measure progress for me. 

I am down almost 3 lbs and back in the 250s again. I hope to continue onward and see the 240s by Halloween! I’m posting meals on my Instagram page and holding myself accountable. I did slip up last night and had a bunch of rye chips, Taco Bell and a Mountain Dew. Usually that would send me back into “f*ck it” mode. But today I’m back at it. I’m so thankful for Tim and his support. Usually I push through this alone and don’t share much or I overshare. There’s no happy medium. But I’m feeling good.

Oh and I forgot to mention that Aunt Flo showed up today. I had a 31 day cycle and I’m so proud of my body. Lol! I’m sorry for the TMI but when you’re a woman that’s had years of no period and an inability to cycle properly without hormone intervention, this is a HUGE deal! It means everything is working as it should and my reproductive health is improving. So there’s that. And I feel like I should mention that if anyone knows killer PMS, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about but I’m so proud that I haven’t given in to those PMS cravings. They’re tough! 
That’s all I have to share for now. I’m signing off for the day. Sending you all love and light! Thanks again for being here for me! 

The bad breakup 

Have you ever been in a relationship that you knew wasn’t good for you but it felt good at the time? The relationship was not solid and not anything that a good relationship should be. And you knew that…it just felt so darn good in the moment that it drowned out all the bad? This same relationship was turning you into something you didn’t want to be but you couldn’t stop yourself? Have you ever felt smitten? Have you ever been too far over the edge and felt like you couldn’t live your life without this relationship? Have you ever lost sleep, felt sick, or hurt physically because of a relationship? Have you ever thought so much about breaking up but the thought of it sends you into a tailspin? Your heart and mind hurt and you get that feeling in your gut that you know you have to but you don’t know how you could go on without that relationship? 

If you’ve read this far, you might be conjuring up images of the person you think I’m talking about. If you know me personally, you might be fearing for my marriage or trying to think of my past relationships from high school. You’d be dead wrong. 

You see this toxic relationship I’m referring to is with food. In fact, it’s all the wrong foods for my body. I’ve spent hours researching what will work for me and what will make my mind and body thrive. But why can’t I breakup with the bad foods? Why can’t I see that they’re no good for me? I’ve always had a thing for badness. I’ve always initially wanted the “bad” choice, only to find the “good” one is the one I truly deserve. 
So how do I go about this breakup? How do I carry on each and every day, knowing I need to breakup with food but yet it’s everywhere that I am? It’s like when you live in a small town and you keep seeing their car at every stop sign or the bank. Or it’s like the phone lights up with a notification and a little part of you hopes it’s them…that’s what this feels like. 

I’m writing this in a body that hasn’t been weighed in weeks because I’m so scared of that number. I’m afraid I’m right back where I said I would never be. I’m so debilitated by the thought of being 265 lbs again that I’m literally in denial. And this morning when I laid in my dimly lit room with the doors closed and had to face the truth, I wept. I knew I had to get out it this relationship. I knew I had to break up. 
So what do you do when you break up? Keep in mind, I’ve never suffered a horrible, stay in bed for days, breakup. I’ve been in a 15+ year long relationship with someone who is not the bad boy. He’s the good one that I knew I couldn’t let go of. He’s the one I’ve worked at and I’ve put in effort daily. If there was ever a bad relationship in my life, it was in my teen years and it surely never lasted long. 

So back to the question, what do you do when you break up? Do you box up all of the things that remind you of them? Do you avoid all of the places you know they’d be? Do you shut yourself away in a safe place until you feel ready to face the world again? Do you take a trip and get away? Do you pick up a different habit? 

I know this is rambling and I know somewhere among all of those questions, there are answers. I’m reading between the lines and if I’m being honest with myself…I should just rip off the band aid. Take it day by day and keep trying. Keep shutting out all the voices inside myself that make me think that relationship is worth having. Because if it’s tearing me down, I shouldn’t be in it. 

Here’s to finding my new food bf. Cheers! 🥂

Tree trunks

I know I’ve shared before about my feelings about my short legs. I’ve always referred to them as short little tree trunks. They aren’t long and lean, they’re short and stocky. And not like chub on top of chub stocky…just thick and strong. I have had a love/hate relationship with my legs for most of my life but have always thought I had cute feet. I know that’ll sound vain but I’ll get to my point here in a minute. 

This morning I watched an old video of my kids as babies just laughing like crazy. I think this was almost 8-10 years ago. In the video I caught sight of my feet and hands and couldn’t believe it. They were just so puffy! I had no idea how full they were! And the heel cracks were so embarrassing! My heels haven’t been cracked for years! And yesterday one of my friends that has tons of food sensitivities posted a picture of her hand and noted how puffy it had gotten since she hadn’t been watching her food intake much. 

All of this got me to thinking about my own body and the inflammation that comes with my condition. I’ve been wanting to make some big changes for a while lately but then I’d get so busy and tired. And I’d think to myself “I don’t want to have to work on changing one more thing!” In my Facebook memories it showed on this day a status from 2009 that talked about sweet tea and cookies. It made me realize that I HAVE made some big changes. I used to drink a pitcher of sweet tea a day, sometimes I’d drink two! And I could eat a whole batch of cookies in one setting! I know according to my weight, I’m not down where I’d like to be but I’m not retaining fluid. I’d much rather be 250 lbs of muscle and strength versus 275 lbs of fluid and anxiety. 

I’ve made the little changes along the way, whether I realized it or not and it’s made a difference in my life. My quality of life is a thousand times better than it was in those days. The scale is a liar and it doesn’t show happiness. It doesn’t show real life. It doesn’t show strength and agility. It doesn’t show flexibility and form. It shows a number that measures how much gravitational pull the earth has on your body. 

Today I’m going to celebrate these strong legs and this strong body and reflect on the positive life I’m living and be thankful that those bad, dark days are a long ways behind me!

Stalling

I’m blogging to procrastinate. See how that works…I’m being somewhat productive to put off being productive. But whatever. Ha! This is the current situation in my house right now:

It’s terrible and I hate that it gets this way but when you have 4 busy people zooming in and out of a house, it tends to get messy quick. Especially when the maid keeps disappearing and blogging or making food. Ya know? 🤷🏼‍♀️ 

But seriously it’s time to talk about something I’ve been avoiding…grandma arms. You know what I’m talking about, when you straighten your arms but the upper arm fat pools at the elbow and makes a bump? Oh yes…I have said for years how much I despise that. I can have a belly and booty like no ones business but that grandma thing ain’t happening. And guess what y’all? I think it’s starting. 🤬 

So I’ve been trying to work out again to strengthen my arms because chatarangas aren’t pretty anymore when your triceps are not strong. I signed up for a Beachbody on Demand thing on my roku . Right now I just have the 14 day free trial but I’m considering keeping it for a while longer because I do like the workouts. I started the 80 Day Obsession series but I did the “a little obsessed” version because I know I’m out of shape and need a modifier. It didn’t seem hard in the moment but boy am I feeling it today! My core hurts to even breathe! My rib muscles are even sore and I didn’t use weights or bands that first day! 

So my goals for today are to pick up my house, eat some breakfast and workout before I go to watch my little baby at 4. I guess I’m posting it here to keep me accountable again. This blog used to be a little space to hold me accountable. I don’t know what the heck it is now. I think it’s a place for me to ramble and give myself the illusion that I’ll turn this into a book or something. I don’t know. 

I do know one thing, I used to want to inspire everyone to get on this crazy train of working out and eating right and feeling great with me. And right now, that’s just not my place in this world. I’m over talking about my past pain and trying to heal, blah blah blah. I just want to live dammit! I want to try to spend the moments in my life enjoying them and not always sharing every single moment with people on social media that might not even care. This blog is for me and that’s one of the things I’ve loved about it. I can express my thoughts as if it were truly my diary. I don’t have to be allshined and polished here. I can be a mess in my jammies at 9:45 on a Wednesday posting pictures of my mess. 

I started a new thing with Tim. My phone I longer comes into the bedroom. I bought a fun alarm clock and my phone e doesn’t come to bed with us. I leave it in the living room and we have actual conversations now. It’s amazing! Ha! Probably not for him because I chatter his ear off but it’s brought something out in me that I enjoy again. If I can’t sleep right away, I read a book. It’s been YEARS since I’ve read a book before bed! 

This warmer weather has inspired me to come around. For months I was an unproductive mopey zombie that didn’t enjoy much. I hate that the weather effects me so much but it does. I’m totally enjoying all of the life outside my windows, the birds the breeze the sunshine the flowers the kittens! It’s like I have my old self back that’s been put away all winter. 

I’m putting this post to rest and I’m going to jump head first into my duties as maid/mom/cook/wife and I’m going to have a great day! I hope you do too!

What if we can’t help it?

A few weeks ago I visited my cousins newly constructed house that was absolutely stunning and she designed it all herself. From the moment I walked in, I felt like I was in a chic industrial meets lodgey yoga cottage retreat. It was awe worthy and she put so much thought into the design. She has a walk around balcony sort of catwalk thing around her big grand room and at one side was her sewing “room”. It overlooked the main room and had gorgeous views of the surrounding land outside. But what caught my attention was her dress form in the room. I had seen a few dress forms but this one was different. It was almost identical to her strong, curvaceous and beautiful body that she nurtures daily. It really started some thoughts whirling around inside me. 

It got me wondering if they made them in my size. If they had round bellies from carrying babies and a pouch where they tucked the belly too tight after c-section. I wondered if they had saggy full breasts or if their thighs touched. I wondered if they had strong chiseled backs from all the down dogs and planks done during yoga. I wondered if the as carried a slight layer of extra skin and fat over the earned muscles on the biceps and triceps. I also wondered if I could stand to look at it every day, looking over my hypothetical great room. Would I hide it away when company came? Would I dodge eye contact with my visitors as I hurriedly shuffled them to another area or joked about the size and shape of this object that represented my body? 

After a while passed and I had a few more thoughts I pondered the era where nearly every household had a dress form of some sort. I thought about that time and how far we’ve come as a civilization. But I stopped for a moment to just reflect…to think for a minute what it would have been like to have my dress form in those days. 

My grandpa came from an era where overweight or pregnant women were really not to be seen in public. We jokingly referred to him has a fat-phobe. Like having a phobia of fat people. I think it is a real thing though even though we never ever said it to him. That era just thought if a person was overweight, they had let themselves go or that they ate too much. I even remember once when my grandpa made a comment about someone needing to push their plate away. That really left an impression on me because I have spent all of my adult life in a larger body. I hoped he certainly never had those thoughts about me. It only fueled my insecurities even more at the time. 

But back to my thoughts…what if we can’t help why we’re overweight? How can we live our life to the fullest if we truly cannot help being 100+ lbs heavier than the norm?

 I’ve pondered those questions for sometime now. I just signed up for my second DietBet yesterday and I’ve been pretty proud to tell people about them and my progress. But I’ve been a little bummed lately because there is so much more to me besides constantly trying to shrink my body and take up less space. What if my purpose for this world is much bigger and it doesn’t matter what size jeans I wear or what the number on the scale is? 

I’m not saying I’m going to quit this DietBet and not put any effort into what I consume or my exercise levels. What I AM saying is that I refuse to let people make me feel a certain way based on the way my body looks because at the end of the day…I can’t help it that I was born with insulin resistance. I can’t help it that my body responds to carbohydrates by storing them as fats. I can’t help it that I’m losing my hair on my head and gaining fuzzies on my face. I can’t help it that I have short arms and legs and saggy breasts. So what happens when you see someone who might appear to be overweight and you change your thoughts to “maybe she can’t help the way she is”? 

How might that impact the world and the way we raise our daughters?

I did a thing…

I joined AND  completed a DietBet this past month! Can you believe it?!? I didn’t give up. I didn’t binge like an idiot. I didn’t exercise myself to death. I didn’t starve myself. I didn’t do everything right either but I won my DietBet! I am waiting for final numbers to see how much I’ve won. But I lost a little over 11 lbs. This is huge for me because I hadn’t lost more than 2-3 lbs at a time for about 2 years! I was doing great for a few days and then I’d lose a few but I just wasn’t consistent. This DietBet really changed my thinking and kept me pushing through the hard stuff. I’m not gonna lie though, there was a few nights where I cried over potato soup because I just loved it so much but I made it for everyone but me. Ha! I had made a copycat version but with cauliflower instead and I was CONVINCED that it was going to be awful. Spoiler alert! It was great! Lol! 

I’m not going to go into all the details but I will say that it’s sure been a month of more victories than losses and I am starting to feel like my health is getting back on track. I still have more to go but I’m getting there. 

I’ve heard the expression where people say they’d fallen off the wagon. I don’t necessarily think that was true in my case. I think I didn’t truly understand my condition and why my body absolutely could not process carbs.

 I read something months ago that said: you need to get yourself to a place where the words “I can’t have that” change to “I don’t want that”. It made me really think about why I shouldn’t want things that send my body and mind into a tailspin. I shouldn’t desire potatoes and sugar so desperately that I cry when I don’t get them. There must be a better life. 

I won’t go into all the crazy details of my condition but here’s the condensed version. My body was taking the carbs, that I consumed, storing them as fat and then producing more insulin to compensate for my lack of energy. Most people’s bodies use carbs for energy but mine has a glitch basically that never lets me access those carbs. While my body was storing that fat away, my brain was getting signals that it needed more energy and would force me to crave the fastest form of energy=sugar/carbs. So that awful cycle would happen all over again. Thankfully I found an amazing doctor that didn’t just hand me a bunch of info about my condition to rifle through myself. He actually talked me through it and described it at as carb sensitivity and that I needed to address that. We worked on a plan with new medications, new dosages, new diet and a new outlook. I am forever grateful for him! 

That’s just a quick little update on what’s going on at this new chapter of my journey. I’m still fighting. I’m still here. The biggest decision I’ve made this time around is that o don’t have to share this journey. I don’t have to inspire anyone. I don’t have to encourage or be a big teacher for others. I only have to do this for myself. So I haven’t shared much on Facebook or Instagram. I like to write here like my diary to keep a record of my thoughts and actions. One day this might become my memoir…who knows what the future holds. 

New rules…

The kids and I have been loving the song “New Rules” by Dua Lipa. Basically it talks about setting new rules for herself so that she doesn’t fall into unhealthy habits even though they feel so good. It’s a peppy and upbeat song that’s been on repeat on my playlists lately. It got me thinking about all the times I’ve made lists of new rules or new goals. Most of the time, I set those right after a workout or a really inspiring time in my life. It made me wonder what kinds of rules I’d set if I was at a low point? 
I thought it would be fun to compile a list of goals/rules for myself now after a good workout and then I’ll make a list of rules/goals I would set on a low day. 

Today: (keep in mind I just did my first “real” workout in over a year) 

– I want to be comfortable enough in my body to teach hot yoga in a sports bra. 

– I want to hold a 1 minute full plank. Today’s time was 53 seconds (after a rowing workout). I’m pretty sure I can achieve this one soon!

– I want to consistently work out on my days off at home. 

– I want to drink plenty of water. For me, that’s about 120 ounces. 

– I want to be at 40% body fat by April. 

– I want to get out and ride my bike again when the weather is nice. I’m hoping for 7 Miles that first ride!

– I want to complete a core workout without modifying or going slow. 
Here’s my list for an average to low day:

– I want to not go back to bed when everyone leaves. 

– I want to eat a healthy breakfast instead of pop tarts or sugary cereal. 

– I want to get my house picked up. Scratch that…I want to pick up one room of my house and maybe load the dishwasher. 

– I want to be asleep by 10 pm. 

– I want to smile today. A real genuine smile. 

– I want to get away from the immediate satisfaction of social media. 

– I want to go outside. Even if it’s to get the mail or pet my kitty friends. 

– I want to take a shower and brush my teeth. 

Some days I’m driven and focused and on my best game. Some days I’m putting on the best face I can. And some days I’m barely treading water. But every day I’m fighting. I’m pushing. I’m battling. And that is what makes me stronger. 

A warrior who has defeated all of his enemies is simply a man. 

Just show up

This is how I showed up to my yoga mat this morning. 


I was haggard. Still wearing a bit of yesterday’s makeup, bed head, in my favorite stretched out nightgown and with my mind heavy with anxiety. 

I went to bed last night full of anxiety over so many things that I have absolutely no control over. My heart was racing and my body was so so tired. Sometime after midnight, I drifted to sleep and I don’t think I moved til 7 this morning but I woke feeling so very drug down. From the moment my eyes opened, life felt heavy. 

I got up and started in on some work that I needed to do, are some breakfast and tried my best to carry on with my Saturday. But something was still pulling me downward. Something was still churning my insides, knawing at my soul and piercing my mind wit its sharpness. 

You see, sometimes no matter how hard I try to do the right things and be a good person and make good choices, bad things still happen. Bad energy can still surround you. Your light can grow dim and maybe even burn out. Your sparkles can stay in the jar and never grace anyone else with their presence. 

I’m quickly approaching February…the month of the gray cloud. In so many previous years, my mind just can’t handle the gray, dreariness off winter in February. I fight off seasonal depression and my anxiety tends to be on the rise. Last year, I didn’t even feel a speck of the gray cloud during February. I didn’t even notice the cloud was there in fact! I came to the mat every time I could feel it creeping. I journaled and I did yoga and I made time for mindfulness and meditation. 

So today I showed up on the mat. I gave my mind grace and permission to release the tension and stress over things I cannot control. And in my meditation, I watched my out of control phsyche drift downstream, taking with it any of my stress and anxieties. I focused on my breath and faced what was scaring me. 

I showed up for myself today. And despite the ugly gray clouds, my light is still shining. 

New scale 

So over the Christmas break, I saw an awesome coupon code for a scale that measures body fat, muscle mass etc and I decided to purchase it. 

I’m usually not a gimmick person and really felt like this was a great deal. I thought it would be a great addition to my studio too, for my clients to use. So I got it and immediately used it on New Year’s Eve. Of course it showed a terrible numbers. I’d just spent basically two weeks hybernating and eating carbs! Haha! But the weight part has showed the sane number I’ve been for about 2 months so really I felt like it was accurate. Joking aside. 

So in the past 11 days I’ve been working really hard to give up pop. That is probably my biggest drug of choice. And my next goal after that was to exercise more. So I’ll be working on that soon. So in the past few weeks I’ve done my best to wean down my Dr Pepper intake to get down to none. And I made it 5 whole days!!!! That’s great progress. But yesterday slipped up a little and I had two cans. But today’s a new day, I’m snowed in and I have none in the house. So we’re good. I totally set myself up for success there. Lol! 

So back to the scale thing, I have lost 4.6 lbs and 1% body fat! My muscle mass has stayed the same (which is great because we all know I’m ripped enough). So great news all around. But if you asked me how I felt about it, I’d tell you that i was still hesitant to trust it. I don’t know why I do that to myself though. Really, it’s great news and so exciting to be back in the losing game! And I’m really close to hitting my first weight loss goal. So I’m going to try really hard to stay upbeat and stop sabotaging my brain when these small victories come up. 
So here’s to my next goal! I want to be exercising more and getting in a bit of cardio too. I’m hoping to either create a note on my phone to keep track or making a chart to keep track of my progress. One of the ladies I follow on Instagram posts a selfie with a number each time she works out and she’s already on 8 for the year! So I’m gonna hop off here and get to it!