The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

New rules…

The kids and I have been loving the song “New Rules” by Dua Lipa. Basically it talks about setting new rules for herself so that she doesn’t fall into unhealthy habits even though they feel so good. It’s a peppy and upbeat song that’s been on repeat on my playlists lately. It got me thinking about all the times I’ve made lists of new rules or new goals. Most of the time, I set those right after a workout or a really inspiring time in my life. It made me wonder what kinds of rules I’d set if I was at a low point? 
I thought it would be fun to compile a list of goals/rules for myself now after a good workout and then I’ll make a list of rules/goals I would set on a low day. 

Today: (keep in mind I just did my first “real” workout in over a year) 

– I want to be comfortable enough in my body to teach hot yoga in a sports bra. 

– I want to hold a 1 minute full plank. Today’s time was 53 seconds (after a rowing workout). I’m pretty sure I can achieve this one soon!

– I want to consistently work out on my days off at home. 

– I want to drink plenty of water. For me, that’s about 120 ounces. 

– I want to be at 40% body fat by April. 

– I want to get out and ride my bike again when the weather is nice. I’m hoping for 7 Miles that first ride!

– I want to complete a core workout without modifying or going slow. 
Here’s my list for an average to low day:

– I want to not go back to bed when everyone leaves. 

– I want to eat a healthy breakfast instead of pop tarts or sugary cereal. 

– I want to get my house picked up. Scratch that…I want to pick up one room of my house and maybe load the dishwasher. 

– I want to be asleep by 10 pm. 

– I want to smile today. A real genuine smile. 

– I want to get away from the immediate satisfaction of social media. 

– I want to go outside. Even if it’s to get the mail or pet my kitty friends. 

– I want to take a shower and brush my teeth. 

Some days I’m driven and focused and on my best game. Some days I’m putting on the best face I can. And some days I’m barely treading water. But every day I’m fighting. I’m pushing. I’m battling. And that is what makes me stronger. 

A warrior who has defeated all of his enemies is simply a man. 


Just show up

This is how I showed up to my yoga mat this morning. 

I was haggard. Still wearing a bit of yesterday’s makeup, bed head, in my favorite stretched out nightgown and with my mind heavy with anxiety. 

I went to bed last night full of anxiety over so many things that I have absolutely no control over. My heart was racing and my body was so so tired. Sometime after midnight, I drifted to sleep and I don’t think I moved til 7 this morning but I woke feeling so very drug down. From the moment my eyes opened, life felt heavy. 

I got up and started in on some work that I needed to do, are some breakfast and tried my best to carry on with my Saturday. But something was still pulling me downward. Something was still churning my insides, knawing at my soul and piercing my mind wit its sharpness. 

You see, sometimes no matter how hard I try to do the right things and be a good person and make good choices, bad things still happen. Bad energy can still surround you. Your light can grow dim and maybe even burn out. Your sparkles can stay in the jar and never grace anyone else with their presence. 

I’m quickly approaching February…the month of the gray cloud. In so many previous years, my mind just can’t handle the gray, dreariness off winter in February. I fight off seasonal depression and my anxiety tends to be on the rise. Last year, I didn’t even feel a speck of the gray cloud during February. I didn’t even notice the cloud was there in fact! I came to the mat every time I could feel it creeping. I journaled and I did yoga and I made time for mindfulness and meditation. 

So today I showed up on the mat. I gave my mind grace and permission to release the tension and stress over things I cannot control. And in my meditation, I watched my out of control phsyche drift downstream, taking with it any of my stress and anxieties. I focused on my breath and faced what was scaring me. 

I showed up for myself today. And despite the ugly gray clouds, my light is still shining. 

New scale 

So over the Christmas break, I saw an awesome coupon code for a scale that measures body fat, muscle mass etc and I decided to purchase it. 

I’m usually not a gimmick person and really felt like this was a great deal. I thought it would be a great addition to my studio too, for my clients to use. So I got it and immediately used it on New Year’s Eve. Of course it showed a terrible numbers. I’d just spent basically two weeks hybernating and eating carbs! Haha! But the weight part has showed the sane number I’ve been for about 2 months so really I felt like it was accurate. Joking aside. 

So in the past 11 days I’ve been working really hard to give up pop. That is probably my biggest drug of choice. And my next goal after that was to exercise more. So I’ll be working on that soon. So in the past few weeks I’ve done my best to wean down my Dr Pepper intake to get down to none. And I made it 5 whole days!!!! That’s great progress. But yesterday slipped up a little and I had two cans. But today’s a new day, I’m snowed in and I have none in the house. So we’re good. I totally set myself up for success there. Lol! 

So back to the scale thing, I have lost 4.6 lbs and 1% body fat! My muscle mass has stayed the same (which is great because we all know I’m ripped enough). So great news all around. But if you asked me how I felt about it, I’d tell you that i was still hesitant to trust it. I don’t know why I do that to myself though. Really, it’s great news and so exciting to be back in the losing game! And I’m really close to hitting my first weight loss goal. So I’m going to try really hard to stay upbeat and stop sabotaging my brain when these small victories come up. 
So here’s to my next goal! I want to be exercising more and getting in a bit of cardio too. I’m hoping to either create a note on my phone to keep track or making a chart to keep track of my progress. One of the ladies I follow on Instagram posts a selfie with a number each time she works out and she’s already on 8 for the year! So I’m gonna hop off here and get to it! 

Some days

Some days life is roses and sparkles and sunshine and nice smells and some days life is stuffy noses and earaches after being sick already for too long. Alongside the physical symptoms of a sickness I didn’t kick because of a reaction to my antibiotic, I’m battling some heavy heart and head stuff. I usually don’t let my headspace get so full. I can generally decompress or find a healthy outlet but today…I just need rest. I run run run and take on so many things and then occasionally it piles up in my head and I just crack. I don’t know why I operate this way but I do. 

This is life on a normal day 

And this is life when you’re barely keeping your head above water. 

This is my view for now because I just simply cannot function anymore today without giving my brain rest. 

I know some people roll their eyes at anxiety and depression but it’s real. I’ve been treading water for too long. It’s time to close my eyes and float a while. Gods got this. But my mom guilt is killing me. How do I just go lay down while life keeps going on in my household?
This post wasn’t necessarily about getting answers or solving all my problems. This post was a way for me to get these thoughts out of my head and hopefully allow myself some grace. 

I’m fine really. Just tired. After some rest and sunshine this week, I’m sure I’ll be back to myself in no time. 

Goodbye 2017

This time last year, I had just finished up some quiet yoga time and candlelit journaling. I had reflected on 2016 and prayed for a word for the new year. 2017’s word came to me in that quiet dim room…freedom. I had no idea what significance that word would have and quite frankly, here I sit 365 days later and I still don’t really know. What I do know is that 2017 wasn’t magical or great or phenomenal. It was really freaking hard. 

I’ve loved and lost in 2017…big time. 

I lost my grandpa. One of the most solid people in my life. He taught me so much in my lifetime and I’m so thankful to have had him in my life into adulthood. His legacy with definitely live on. And there are days where I visit his grave and crave his strong hand on my shoulder. I cannot even fathom how much my grandmother misses him. I find myself doing things, wondering how my grandmother does this or that without her companion of 60 years. It makes me so sad for her and for my dad and my aunts. I’m so very thankful that he didn’t suffer and that he spent his last year surrounded by love. 

I lost my fur companion of 15 years this year. I struggle almost daily with the guilt of the decision I made to have her put to sleep. I cry at least weekly over the loss of my friend. I adopted Lexi in 2002. I was working at a vet clinic and she was the last orphaned kitten left in her litter. I just fell in love immediately. She had gorgeous eyes and her coloring was so pretty. She was sassy and feisty but she loved me. I took to her instantly and knew she had to be mine. I sacrificed a lot to have her and I paid dearly when I was renting in college to have a pet. But I never minded because age kept me company when life was hard. When there was no one to come home to, Lexi was there. She moved with me 8 times in our 15 years together. She tormented many dogs. Tim never particularly liked her but tolerated her. I brought both of my babies home to meet her and she kept me company through so many lonely nights while Tim was at work. Her nap time shenanigans were always entertaining and her love for me was unconditional. She will be missed and I don’t think she will ever truly be replaced. That hole in my heart is pretty big. 

This was also the year my marriage was put to the test. Troubled waters were an understatement. I almost walked away from it so many times this year. I almost gave up. I almost threw 13 years away. I chose to push through the heavy and the hard parts. Are we in the clear? Probably. The hardest stuff is over. But you know, no one ever promised relationships would be easy. No one ever told me that marriage would be ribbons and rainbows and sunshine and daisies. I’m glad I stayed. I’m glad love won this battle. Because I have learned that nothing worth fighting for will ever be easy. Im glad that Tim and I have made some hard choices this year and pushed forward. We are both happier for the big life choices we’ve made and there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Love wins this time. 

I’ve lost plenty of other things this year too but I’m not really ready to share that chapter of my story. I’ve learned this year that no everyone likes me. Isn’t that a crazy thing to learn at 33? I seriously had never thought about it before now. I just always thought that if I did the right thing, and was a good person that people would like me. Boy was I wrong. People are going to like you or they’re not and sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do with you. And sometimes it does. Either way, who cares? I’m being serious. I just need to keep on doing my thing. 

This year I really stopped focusing on my weight and my exercise and just lived. It was fantastic. I didn’t obsess or stress over food. I just ate when I was hungry and kept up with teaching my yoga classes. But that really wasn’t enough. I got on the scale one day and realized that I had gained 50 lbs. You know what? I don’t hate myself and I don’t intend to punish my body or my mind. I will not feel guilt or shame over my body. I will instead nourish it and treat it with grace and love, just as I would any woman that comes into my studio. I refuse to value my body over my being. I could write a book about this subject but for now I’ll stop because the time will come where I can share more. 

So 2017 was crappy in a lot of ways. So what? I’ve gained so much in this year. I truly feel that 2017 was the year that built me. This year I became a certified yoga instructor and started my own studio! If you had told me 10 years ago that I would do that at 250 lbs, I would have laughed in your face and told you that people in bigger bodies can’t do yoga. I would have told you that I would never practice or be a yogi. But this year, I did it. I worked hard and I had faith over all of my fears and I am making a difference because of what yoga has brought to my life. 

This year I stared down mountains and felt Gods presence. He was closer to me than I’ve ever felt. There’s a blog post a ways back that talks about all of the many ways that God showed himself to me. I traveled across 2 states, completely by myself to do what God commanded of me. The entire time, I never questioned Him. I did as I was told and I really listened and prayed. And that trip will forever be in my heart as the moment that my faith became real, that I truly knew Gods place in my heart. That Colorado trip was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done but the most influential on my faith. 

I have become a mom this year that I have always wanted to be. I am more present in my kids lives than ever. I value them as little humans and I do my very best to make time for them and value their dear hearts. That is a huge huge thing for me. In previous years, I never ever felt like enough in that realm. I always felt guilt over not being good enough at this or that. I always used to second guess my parenting choices. I am solid and secure in this mom thing by now. Just in time for tween years to knock me on my butt. Haha! 

Bottom line, 2017 wasn’t sparkles. It wasn’t the perfect soufflé. It wasn’t a beach vacation and golden sunsets. It was choppy waters and almost drowning a few times. It was asthma attacks after popcorn at a bad movie. It was stormy clouds during the World Series. It was like dropping your phone on the highway while changing your flat tire in a frilly bridesmaid dress. 

I’m ending 2017 cuddled under a heated blanket, wearing a cozy sweater while my kids play upstairs and my husband watches videos on his phone in his ratty old lazy chair beside me. It’s warm and quiet here and I’m so very thankful for this time to reflect and pause and give praise to my God for the hard stuff. Because it makes the good stuff that much sweeter. If you’re reading this, happy new year. May 2018 treat you well.  I’ll see ya next year. 😜

Here I am. Send me…

I’m sure a lot of my Facebook friends are wondering why the cryptic messages and prayer requests. This is a very hard thing to talk about and I’m begging you to read onward with your heart wide open. Please don’t be quick to judge my brother. He has a beautiful heart and I am so very very sad that myself and our family have not gotten to see it for a very long time. 

For the past 2 years he has built walls against us. Talk, scary spiky walls that can only be taken down by Gods grace. We don’t know what we might have done to cause him to harden his heart against us. I especially haven’t been given the opportunity to hear anything from him. He has blocked me and shut me out. 

Long story short, here I sit. 

I’m waiting on Colorado on his doorstep until he comes home.  Several weeks ago I got on my knees and begged God to help this situation and to heal my broken heart and to use me as a vessel for His plan. 

Last week I heard His voice loud and clear telling me to go. At first I didn’t bat an eye. I knew I had to find a way to follow His command. And the past 36 hours have been so scary and hard. I traveled 800 miles by myself to see someone who probably doesn’t even want to see me. I kept asking God the entire flight why me?  I’m not strong or powerful or worthy of such a task. His voice has been very clear that yes, I indeed am. All along the way He has shown me his many promises. 

The first one came in the form of a song. As it usually does because music is such a huge part of my life. I caught wind that Kylle had recorded backgrounds and some instrumental for an album on iTunes. I immediately downloaded it and the first song is titled “How I Need You”. Now I know that song was originally written talking about someone needing God but I heard Kylle’s voice crisp and clear. I truly feel he needs us and may not know how to reach out anymore for whatever reasons. 

Yesterday at 6:00 am I had to check in for my flight and once I did, it gave me my boarding pass. My flight was #1984 and my gate was #33. I was born in 1984 and I am 33 years old. That was absolutely not a coincidence. God was speaking to me in numbers. 

Today I visited his house numerous times and he was not home. I felt defeated and lost. I questioned God once again as to why He would send me all this way for this to happen. I went on a trail hike and prayed. 

It was gorgeous by the way. I begged God to send me more signs. I was expecting a moose or something big to just walk out of the grass. But nothing happened. I waited an hour and still nothing. But His voice kept resonating in my ear “God keeps his promises”. As I walked out of the trail feeling very isolated and vulnerable i came across a huge area of daisies that I hadn’t seen before. Field daisies are my absolute favorite flower. God winked when I picked one up and carried it with me. 

God keeps his promises. I decided to make one more trip today to Kylle’s house. I didn’t know what I’d do when I got there. I figured he wouldn’t be home. But guess what was right across the road from his house? 4 beautiful deer…a daddy, momma and 2 smaller ones. 

The picture isn’t the most perfect but that’s ok. God sent those deer to me to send me a message. If you know me well, you might have heard the many stories about God sending me deer. I blogged about at least one of them further back if you’d like to read it.

 Anyway, here I sit. My face is red and flushed from crying so much and lack of sleep. I feel like my appearance is a road map for where I’ve been these past 36 hours. So thank you to everyone who has been praying. I don’t know Gods plan. I may or may not get any answers out of this trip. But what I do know is that my faith is stronger because of it. Faith over fear my friends. ❤️❤️❤️

Diet To Go experience 

So a few weeks ago I was contacted by a super sweet lady from Diet To Go. She asked if I would like to try some of their meals. I researched the company and noticed that they had low carb options. The reviews looked great so I decided to give it a try. 

I had never tried a meal subscription plan before and I wasn’t sure what to expect. I thought maybe it would be a few nasty freezer meals in aluminum foil that I had to heat in the oven from the 80s. Boy was I wrong! First off, let me start by saying that these meals FAR exceeded my expectations! 

They came shipped in a cooler type package with ice packs and were cold when I got them. 

Some of the meals included were:

Tuscan Chicken, creamed spinach with red pepper and green beans

Mediterranean egg casserole, chicken sausage and vegetables

Baked Cajun salmon, cream sauce, asparagus and broccoli

Chicken Roma with pine nuts, Swiss chard and seasoned cauliflower 

Teriyaki flat iron steak, wasabi cauliflower mash, broccoli and fajita veggies and 

Tuna salad, carrots and provolone cheese chunk 

Spinach and pepper quiche, green beans and sausage link

Chicken fajita with fresh pico de gallo,received beans, sour cream and carrots

Of all of those delicious meals, my favorite was the spinach and pepper quiche. I jotted down a few thoughts after I had that one. I noted that it was something I probably would have never tried. I’m a very picky eater so I was really stepping out of my comfort zone. Lol! But it was delicious! The quiche had great flavor and I could taste a hint of smokiness. It only took a few minutes to heat it in the microwave and the green beans were perfect! It was as if I had picked them fresh from the garden, washed them and steamed them right then and there. They were so FRESH! The sausage link is one of the best I’ve tasted! And I’ve been a hog farmer my whole life so I know good meat! 

My second favorite meals were a tie between the tuna salad and the chicken fajita. I absolutely love Mexican food and this fajita was amazing! I could taste all of the rich flavors, from the cilantro to the chicken. The tortilla shell was whole grain and delicious! It was way better than those I’ve tried from the local grocery store. The pico was fresh and tasted like it was authentic Mexican cuisine! (I snuck a few carrots before I snapped the pic)

The tuna salad was a huge portion! It had great flavor just like what my momma makes with a hint of red pepper. It was a nice twist on a traditional favorite of mine. My kids had a bit of it and loved it too!

So my photography skills are lacking, I know. Haha! But I just want to say that these meals are perfect for someone with a busy schedule. The trays are the perfect size for my lunchbox that I take to work and they heat well and dont warp. 

Final thoughts:

Would I recommend this to my family or friends? Absolutely! They are phenomenal! 

Were the portion sizes reasonable? Yes! I’m a person that generally saves half of whatever I order from restaurants. So I don’t usually have large portions at a time but these were more than I usually eat. I actually shared some of them with my husband (and he LOVED them too!) 

How did you feel about the low carb option? I loved the low carb options! I generally try to eat low carb and I’m always looking for new ideas. A lot of times when I order a low carb option, the seasoning is lacking and not very flavorful. These meals were seasoned very well. And I suspect tell they were prepared by a real chef! It was like having my own personal chef! Haha! 

Overall I was very pleased with my trial and thought everything was fresh and delicious! Give them a try!

Find your happy place

This morning has been beautiful. My kids are still sleeping and I was able to wake up with sunshine flooding in and then take some much needed “me” time out on the patio. Here’s a visual in case you need it 

I love everything about this space in the morning. The shade from the sun, the puffy clouds, the kitties and doggies and even the tractor within view. I love being out here when there is a nice breeze and no where to be. 

As I was browsing Instagram I ran across this caption 

Wow. The part where she says she keeps PUTTING HERSELF in negative spaces just really spoke to me. How many times have we done that and didn’t even realize we were going there? I don’t know how many times I’ve been laying at the pool, soaking up the sun and my book and saw some attractive woman walk by in her bikini and put my mind in a negative space. Or the last time I was in the grocery store and felt bad for my purchases because I had put myself in a negative space. The worst one I do though to myself is when I allow myself to be present and engaged in conversations around me that are not positive. Therefore I am putting myself in that negative place again. 

A few months ago I realized that I was not going to pursue that “under 200 lb” goal that I had set for myself. I knew that that wasn’t what I wanted out of this life. Not necessarily the size but the lifestyle that I would have to choose to go alongside it. It wasn’t for me. I wasn’t willing to go low carb/no carb and work out twice a day to maintain my weight loss. I had chosen a different option and decided to accept whatever consequences came with that. When I did that, I chose to unfollow every single fitness related account on Instagram and Facebook that didn’t align with that thinking. I didn’t want to follow the ones that were bragging about protein shakes and decreasing pants sizes. I wanted to follow real women that were embracing their bodies for what they were and what they could do for them. These same women had beautiful light surrounding them and I was pulled to their pages. In making that choice to pull away from anything that wasn’t positive I allowed that light to fill myself. I took the power back and I chose to feel good about myself. I chose to do yoga as a way to center my mind and align my body. I used it as a tool to set myself up for happiness. 

So looking back I am so glad I removed myself from those negative spaces. There are still so many negative spaces that I need to work on but I feel that just being conscious and meditating on some of them is a start. There will be times that we cannot avoid them and they’ll always be there. But your headspace is only as positive or negative as you let it be. 

Today’s challenge for you is to find your happy place. Give yourself permission to stay there a while and soak it all in. You are absolutely worth it in this moment, at this time, regardless of your body size. 

I just love this Dr. Seuss quote. “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.” 

Transparent Tuesday

I have been feeling very compelled to blog lately. I don’t know exactly how to put my thoughts to words so I’m going to just pour it all out here and hope it isn’t just word vomit. Lol! 

I had previously thought I wanted to lose weight and be smaller and work really hard to be “healthy” and do what I thought the doctors wanted for me. When really I want to be able to eat what I want and teach yoga, staying active and the weight miraculously fall off. Well that’s not gonna happen. Ha! So I’m trying to just find this place where I am happy and healthy. I don’t want to gain any weight, and let’s be honest Ive maintained my weight for over a year so I don’t think that’ll be a problem as long as I don’t binge and I stay active. 

So total transparency, over the course of the past month that I’ve been weighing weekly I have been from 239-242. I dont think that’s anything to get my panties in a bunch about. In fact, maybe I should just measure my body and then revisit those measurements in a few months. That is probably the most accurate way to see change. Either way, if I’m being honest, I am truly happy in my own skin. 

At the pool the other day I had a fleeting thought “maybe I shouldn’t sit this way. People will see my rolls.”  Then I thought “eff that! People see my body in all it’s glory when I’m teaching yoga and I don’t think twice about it.” That’s leads me to my next point. We don’t see our bodies the same way everyone else does. We don’t see ourselves talk. We don’t see how we look when we drive. We don’t see how theback of our hair looks. We don’t live our lives in front of mirrors or on video (at least most of us don’t). So why are we always trying to hide behind skinny trees? 

What I’m saying is, I have tried to hide for far too long and I’ve been miserable. My happiest moments have been spent being in the moment, clearing my mind of any negative bullshit and feeling every moment for what it is. 

I can’t imagine the misery people feel trying to hide or tug or pull their clothes. I can’t imagine the negative uneasy feelings people have when they don’t want to be seen. This is just your body. Your true self really is on the inside. You don’t wear it like an outfit. You live it with your actions. 

Here’s my transparent Tuesday photo. 

This is me in my nightgown, hair a mess, tan lines, messy room, unmade bed and a pop tart in my belly. This is my life right now. I taught two yoga sculpt classes back to back last night and I held poses that I couldn’t do 6 months ago AND taught them to people! What the what?!? 

So I could be sitting here feeling all down and out that the scale hasn’t moved. Or I could be moving forward and living my life happily ever after. I choose happy.  Do things that make you happy. 

Yesterday’s class mantra is really my life mantra. Strong mind, strong body, beautiful heart. Have a lovely Tuesday friends. 

Thirty two days

So I didn’t share anything Monday on my actual “weigh day” for lots of reasons. Number 1, I didn’t feel like it. I had a day off and I was tired. I had heard some terrible sad tragic news from the day before that didn’t directly impact my life but it made me incredibly sad and I ate away my feelings that day. So I knew Mondays weigh in would be bad. Number 2, I really needed to process the weight gain. Yep you read that right. I gained 1.8 lbs. 

It’s ok though. Because I started my period today! That is exactly 32 days between cycles. And maybe it’s breakthrough bleeding, maybe it’s spotting or old blood or whatever. But I’m calling THAT a win folks! I’m pretty sure that 1.8 lbs is because of Aunt Flo getting ready to make her appearance and the pop and chips I had Sunday. 

So I’m not beating myself up. In fact a good friend of mine made the comment 

“I have been diagnosed with PCOS, too, and it’s such a downer. I think it helps to adopt a more holistic view of health. In this country, we are so quick to equate thinness and health, when that is not an accurate measure of health at all. At my smallest weight, my hair fell out and I didn’t have a period for 9 months. That’s not healthy. Instead of “What do I weigh?” being the main (or only) question I ask to evaluate my health, I have added some others to the list. How much energy do I have to do the things I love? Am I fueling my body well? Am I treating food like a reward or exercise like a punishment? How am I sleeping? How does my body respond to illness? How am I handling stress? All of those responses have way more to do with my health than the number on the scale. Good health involves so much more than being thin. Kudos to you for pursuing overall health and wholeness and for bringing others along on the journey!”

And yes I had to quote her because she is ABSOFREAKINGLOUTELY RIGHT! All of these things that we should be using to gauge our health are being forgotten because of our obsession with the scale. So I plan to weigh weekly to stay on track, I am NOT going to let that take control. I’m going to keep pushing forward for my health. I will continue to make good rating choices, take my supplements, and exercise often. 

Speaking of exercise, today I took a picture of myself in a pose that I struggled with for years to celebrate my accomplishments in yoga and I didn’t hate myself. I embraced and honored every single curve of my body. I valued the muscles that were prominent and sculpted and I celebrated the beautiful shape that I can contort my body into. Yoga is beautiful and I am grateful every single day for what it has taught me and helped me overcome. 

– namaste