The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Christmas decorations 

I have a confession to make. I have three huge totes of beautiful clothes stacked in my basement disguised as Christmas decorations. See photos for proof:




They’re all too small for me but I used to wear them. I am so ashamed to admit all this because I want everything to seem just peachy but I have gained 10 lbs in the past year. I am the heaviest I’ve been in 3 years and while everything in my life seems to be going for me, this little ugly part of me is just killing me slowly. 

I tried to stay happy and positive and I was promoting body positivity and all the while I haven’t been very comfortable in mine. Yesterday I had to talk myself out of a panic attack while driving because my bra was pulling into my neck because the weight of my boobs and my shirt just felt so tight I thought I was suffocating! It was one of the worst feelings I’ve had in years. I don’t know if it was another “rock bottom” moment but I’m sure scared of what could be coming if I don’t make some huge changes. 

A little update on my life: I’m taking classes to become a yoga instructor and I’m loving them! I’m so enthusiastic about teaching positivity and self love through that outlet and I’m soaking up every single morsel of info that I can about that. My schedule is nuts between training and classes and my kids schedules and my other two jobs. So I just quit one of them. It was painfully obvious that my time there was done. My last day was two days ago. 

Since then I’ve literally been walking circles in my house and living my life on Facebook and petting my dog. I have felt triggers coming on and I have journaled and tried my best to tackle them head on but I’m scared shitless. February has always been a very tough month for me and I’m so scared it’s going to hit me hard and I’m going to lose my mind. 

To be honest I’m not who I want to be right now and I don’t know if I have the ambition or will power to become her. Right now I lay in bed after the kids get on the bus and play on my phone. I eat a huge bowl of shredded wheat for breakfast and hope it keeps me full til supper so I’m not tempted to binge. I watch tv and journal and make to do lists that I half ass do and then act like I have been fairly productive. I don’t want to fall into that rabbit hole. I don’t want to cry every day and eat Lays potato chips until my ankles swell from all the salt and I can’t sleep from the caffeine that I’ve closet drank. 

I want to thrive dammit! I want to get dressed in the morning. I want to do my yoga and journal and sip some tea. I want to make a to do list while I catch up on a bit of social media and then I want to just tackle it. I want to make the most of my days and be happy when Tim gets home from work with a supper lovingly made and ready for him. I want to be perky and pretty and looking nice in case someone just pops by. I want to be motivated and positive and full of this beautiful blue energy. Instead I’m seeing reds and blacks when I close my eyes. 

Those clothes in my basement had been forgotten until today. It’s my brothers birthday and I wanted to wear something different than my same old stuff to his birthday dinner. So I found a little courage to open them and I hope it will help motivate me to do better. To maybe lose 10-20 lbs in the next few months. Those clothes are beautiful and they reminded me of the times I was floating on air. There was a gray tank top that was an XL that I wore at my 30th birthday party and it brought back so many memories of my confidence and spunk and the friends I had at my party who loved me and thought I was pretty fun to be around. I’m not really sure people feel that way now. I feel like maybe I’ve pushed them all away. Maybe I’ve turned too much inward. Maybe winter is just hard to get out and socialize. Maybe maybe maybe…

Now that I’ve confessed these things on my internet diary, I can grow. I feel like I can try to do better. I feel like the size I was when I wore those clothes isn’t so far away. Maybe I can count down how many workouts I’ll need to fit in them. Or how many days I’ll have to eat low carb or cut out pop and sugar. It can be done. I just need to take better care of myself and put me first again. I want to truly love myself again. Once that happens, everything else will fall into place. 

About last night…

So it’s been months since my last binge. I honestly can’t remember the last time I sat down and binge ate until I was sick. So that is huge progress. I feel like a recovering addict some days except my drug of choice is absolutely necessary to live-food. 

With that said, I’m sure if you’ve been reading my blog you’ll know I’m not on a “diet plan” or specific “workout routine”. I’m living my life and honoring my body along the way. I am working towards sustaining a healthy lifestyle and enlightenment and happiness. In the beginning of this crazy journey, I was under this delusion that I was doing everything the “right way” and that losing 40 lbs in 2 months was fantastic! When really I was working out twice a day and really restricting calories and carbs. Would I go back and change anything? Absolutely not. The lessons I learned in those 2 years of my life will forever be imprinted on my brain. Every experience, every binge, every guilty feeling, every new day, start over, detox, reset, hard workout…they were all experiences to teach me something. Every one of them taught me that I am in control. They taught me that I make my own choices and I choose whatever happiness or success I attain. 

So back to last night. I was spiraling. In fact, I’ve been spiraling for a good two weeks now. Life gets hard sometimes. Things happen that are out of your control. People hurt you, sometimes intentionally. My old coping mechanism would be to binge. I would consume thousands of calories, stretch my stomach to the point of aching and go to bed for days sometimes. I would curl into the fetal position with poison in my belly and beg my husband to just be there for me. 

Last night I could feel it…I was on the verge of landing hard after this downward spiral. I knew I was going to blow. I cried over muddy dog prints on the carpet. I cried because I missed my brother. I cried because I just wanted a nice calm Christmas with my dads pancakes. I cried because I miss my cousins and aunts and uncles that I didn’t get to see last weekend. I cried because my heart hurt and my brain was full of ping pong balls bouncing around and I couldn’t quiet it. I talked it out a bit with Tim, my dad on the phone and then my mom on the phone. It helped a little bit. But what helped the most was drinking a tall glass of cold water and just going to bed. 

I didn’t realize until I woke up today with a growling stomach what I had accomplished last night and I wasn’t even aware that I had done it. I had conquered the binge beast without even batting an eye! All of my experiences up to now had been grooming me for that moment. Every hard lesson was leading up to this monumental moment. Last night was the first time in probably a year that I had to face those demons and accept those awful painful feelings. Up until then everything had been easily manageable and I felt great. 

So I guess this post is to share my triumph. It may not seem like much to some people. But my own strength amazes me daily. And I am proud. 

Big news to share!

So I wanted to take a little time and share something in this little space on the interwebs for the few people that read this crazy online diary of mine. I will start out with the big news and then I’ll just ramble. How does that sound? Haha!

My big news is that in the spring, I will be a certified yoga instructor! Great stuff, right?!? I’m pretty excited to share my knowledge with others and my passion for what has literally changed my life. I just completed the second module last night and I am ridiculously proud of myself. 

The first day of classes was a month ago and I was almost paralyzed with fear, sitting in my car in the parking lot, posting a vague Facebook status begging for encouragement. And I took that first step, got out of the car with my heart literally aflutter and went in. I joined the group, I did my best, and I grew. My heart was exactly where it was supposed to be. So then after that first module a month ago, I came home and worked on some things and tried to become an even better version of myself. I set daily intentions. I practiced yoga more often than I ever had. I truly dove in head first into the mindset of the practice. When I started this second module this past weekend, I felt pretty confident and not so much like a beginner. After this weekend was over, I was literally overflowing with excitement. I came home and showed my kids some new poses I learned. I bubbled over chatting with my husband until he fell asleep while I was still chattering. I went to sleep with a new warmth in my heart. 

I want to explain my new plan for life so maybe someone else can benefit from my advice. I have no intentions of losing 40 lbs in 2 months like I did 3 years ago. I have my doubts that I will even lose 40 lbs in the next year. I know that I will not be the stereotypical “yoga instructor body” that you see all over tv. And trust me, I’ve gotten some mean looks and words when I’ve announced my intentions. I accept that this small town mindset of the world is very closed off from accepting others who appear different. I’m ok with that. I have prepared my mind the best I could for those negative judgements. I have not had much support in this endeavor and I have come to terms with that. But mark my words, when people see that I have something they want, they will be curious and they will start asking questions and they will want in on what they think is my little secret. And guess what?!? I WILL SHARE IT WITH THEM!!! Isn’t that great? 

So in conclusion I want you to know that I’m in a good place right now…a great place actually. I am healthy. I am strong. I am capable. And I am happy. 

Untitled

I’ve had a lot of things on my mind the past several months since I’ve posted here. So I decided to just list my thoughts in bullet form so that this post can stay semi organized. 
– I don’t want to lose weight just to lose weight. I want to truly become the best version of myself. And maybe the best version of myself happens to be 240 lbs. maybe it is 200 lbs or maybe it’s 265 lbs. No matter what the numbers on the scale or the numbers on the tape measure, I will always measure my health by how I feel. 

– This blog used to be a safe place. I used to be able to write and write and write about all of my thoughts and feelings. And the truth is, I have to be more guarded now. I have to protect my heart and keeping some of my feelings inside and internalize them in a healthy way is what I feel is right for me. I used to eat away my feelings or exercise away my frustrations. Or I used to hyperfocus on eating just a certain way and I ended up being miserable. The overplanning and overthinking and over analyzing was literally driving my further into the hole, all while telling myself that it was making me better. 

– I have taken a sacred vow to honor my body. I am currently working towards becoming a yogi. Part of our training is learning our bodies and honoring them. We are also learning that every body is very very different but also sort of the same. But each person is unique. Each day I ask myself several times, is this honoring my body? Is drinking a Mountain Dew a day honoring my body? Is sitting for hours watching Reign or American Horror Story honoring my body? Is eating just until I’m comfortable honoring my body? The point is, I truly want to honor my body. I don’t want to push it beyond its limits or to a point where I will injure it. I also do not want to be sick from eating tomatoes or peppers or from overeating. I am making choices all the time about honoring my body. 

– It is completely ok not to help people with their weight loss journeys. It is ok to tell people good luck ad that’s it. I do not have to help people unless they specifically reach out to me and seek help, and even then, I am NOT obligated to do that. I do not owe anything to anyone. I am not responsible for other people’s happiness and or health. I have been working on allowing myself some truth and grace. 

That’s enough rambling for now. I don’t know if or when I will write again. I just had some thoughts to put down and wanted to record them somewhere. Technology is a beautiful thing sometimes. Good night!

Sugar free and cobwebs in the cupboard

Random title huh? Haha! I have been trying to wrap my brain around a blog post for weeks now. I wanted it to be clever and maybe funny and noteworthy. But I’m just going to attack it head on and hope no one cares about my ramblings. 

I started June out with a 10 day sugar detox. With the help and support of my cousin who is vegan, I managed to go 12 days without sugar!!! Can you believe it! In my heart, I had really hoped to go 21 days, cheat a little and then go back to it indefinitely. Something happened after 12. Life got busy and I didn’t plan. I will tell you honestly, that detox might’ve been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When au gratin potatoes are smelling up the whole daycare and the sweet cook offers you treats, it about did me in. I refused her goodies on several occasions and felt like a royal ass. But I survived it. And it left me 7.5 lbs lighter and 2 inches smaller. The results were phenomenal and I was convinced that sugar was my drug addiction. I still stand firmly planted on that statement. But I am and probably always will be a recovering food addict. I started to make poor choices, I started another affair with the devil drink and I started wearing stretchy pants and popping stool softeners like candy. Truthfully, I know I need to do better. I know I can. But I still need to decide to just do it. 
4 days ago, I had a real actual surgery in a hospital to have some glass taken out of my toe that had been there 8 months. Yep, you read it right…8 months! It was another bump in the road. Now I’m sitting here with my 6 stitches on the bottom of my toe and my legs reclined with an ice pack because I’m battling some embarrassing swelling in my ankles from working a 10 hour days yesterday in the nursery on my feet. Thank goodness I’m able to rest and recover today. 

So what I’m trying to say is that life is happening all around me. Do I really want to pull myself out of the mix and focus just on me? Or do I want to live fully immersed with my kids/husband, my work and my life? I need to find that balance. Looking back, I’ve been fighting this fight with my weight for a good solid 3 years now and I can honestly say, I’ve been all or nothing in it. In the beginning, I didn’t have a job and my kids were both in school. I didn’t have a single responsibility besides keeping house and chauffeuring kids. Now I work two jobs, occasionally take photos still, run to ball games nearly every day and try to run a household halfway decent. I am busier than ever and I’m not sure I want to spend the next decade watching it all from the sidelines. I love watching my kids play ball. I love caring for those sweet babies at daycare. I love having my husband be my partner in this new routine and working together with him on managing this house. When I pull back and focus on me, I feel incredibly selfish. 
I read an article on Facebook the other day titled I’m not the woman you married. Every word in that article was me. Ian absolutely not the woman Tim married. I’m like a manager of this house. Do you know I ripped him a new on the other day over throwing away a $10 frog tog thingie? I was furious because I was not consulted about that decision. Do you know what I was doing? Sleeping off an approaching panic attack before it consumed me. I went to bed at 7:45 that night after crying over everything to Tim. While I was sleeping, he was working on cleaning the kitchen. And I was awful to him. He deserves better from me. My kids deserve more from me. I deserve more from myself. Do I think that adding 30 minutes of exercise a day is going to help our situation? Probably not. Will it make things better if I’m hyper focused on eating sugar free or paleo or vegan or whatever? I really doubt it. So why rock the boat? Why turn myself into something or someone that might not really improve my household or situation? 
That’s the question I keep asking myself. What can I do to make my life better? That is what I plan to meditate and pray on for the next few weeks. Things are slowing down, ball games are about over. Summer school will be out Friday. I’m planning to focus and prioritize my life so that it gets better and not worse. Maybe I’ll clean those cobwebs out of my cupboard. Maybe I won’t. Either way, I’m still a good person with good intentions just doing the best I can with this life God gave me. 

Vacation

So as I wrote this I am sitting on a beach on the Gulf of Mexico watching the waves (and jellyfish) come in. I’m on vacation with my family. But let’s be real honest for a minute I’ve been on vacation from myself for about a year. I haven’t really been trying like I should. I haven’t been exercising nor have I been eating well. I’ve been facing some really harsh realities too. 

1. I will have to fight for this my ENTIRE life. 

2. My metabolism is really not doing well and statistically, it will be bad my whole life now that I’ve lost a significant amount of weight at some point. 

3. I was really happy. I have not had a single manic, depressive or anxiety attack in years. It’s hard to want to fight for your life when your life actually feels pretty good for a change. 

4. My life has gotten extremely busy and I did not make diet and exercise a priority. 

5. Most of the people and blogs I follow online have had weight loss surgery OR are single without kids and super young. I  don’t really relate to them anymore. 
So before I even went on this real vacation I had decided to try again. I have set a goal to lose 20 lbs this summer and summer has begun. I will weigh in on Tuesday after Memorial Day and I will be accountable for my actions. 
Goodbye from Florida! Hope to write again when I’m back in MISSOURI!

Two weeks

So two weeks now I have *mostly* been following a low carb/high fat & protein diet. Two nights ago I did something stupid…I weighed AFTER a long 10 hour day at work caring for babies. Yep…I’m an idiot. A week before that I weighed at 233.6. Which was a 3.4 lb loss in one week! I was ecstatic! But then that after work weigh in about did me in. At 235.7 I thought my hard work was ruined. I was angry and honest to goodness decided to just starve myself. Tim offered to make supper and I refused every bite. I sat in the sunroom a tear streaked mess and pouted like a toddler. I told Tim I wasn’t taking another bite because I was afraid I wouldn’t stop eating. It was a horrible mess to be in. And you know what u did an hour later? Ate a half bag of chips and raided the kids’ Easter candy. I was so over ever trying to lose weight again. I have struggled this past week with clothes fitting right and bras leaving my ribs bruised to the point of tears. Too many nights to count, I have come home from work, stripped my clothes off and just laid naked with absolutely nothing touching me. I felt like every single neuron in my body was on fire!

The reason I share all this is because it’s been an awful two weeks but it taught me something. In all of this I have learned I’m truly doing what’s right for my body. Do you know I’ve slept over 8 hours every.single.night?!? My eczema has cleared up after a consistent carb detox. I have unintentionally removed processed foods from my diet and my body is happier! My mind might’ve struggled a bit with the changes but my body was doing the happy dance. And you know, even if it felt like I went backwards, I still came out of this experience 2 lbs lighter! I saw the scale go DOWN! That’s amazing and hasn’t happened in ages! I have hope and I will carry on! 
I laid in bed this morning overthinking how I could fit 30 minutes of exercise in my daily routine and truth is, I really can’t. I need my sleep, I need my work, I need to provide meals and support to my family. I will do my very best to get in 30 “active” minutes on my Fitbit each day though. I have been doing fairly well in that area already but I can do better. I don’t have to run, or row, or ride my bike, or do a workout video. All I will shoot to get is 30 total active minutes each day. They don’t even have to be consecutive minutes. This, I can do. 
Never give up, has been my motto and after spending some time reflecting, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I will keep being awesome every day and I refuse to let a grumpy evening get me down. I have so many things on my side and it’s too late to start counting failures over victories. 

A day at work

So today at work our daycare director was going around snapping photos of our cute kiddies to post on our Facebook page. I tried my dangedest to get out of the shots but somehow she still managed to get me in one of them. And truthfully, she snapped one of my most vulnerable features. I generally and ridiculously self conscious about my midsection. My belly has so much extra skin and when I sit down it just kinda piles up on my lap. My arms always look like fat stumps with hands just jammed on like play doh. I never thought I had pretty hands and wrists. I hated the way watches made me feel about my wrists. And let’s not even get started with my hateful relationship with my boobs! Gah! They’re so stupid. Why can’t they just disappear after we nourish our children? Jeez! My just managed to deflate and kind of just hang around guarding my belly button or something. Idk. Enough whining about how much I hate my midsection. Here’s the photo, cropped of course because I wouldn’t want to breach any privacy by showing you the gorgeous children I get to spend my days with. 
  

Yep. That’s me in all my glory, peeling my little cutie orange. And you know what? I don’t hate the way I look here. There I stand still weighing in around 230 but I am totally ok with that body I see. Those hands are graceful and strong. Those forearms show beauty and poses the strength to lift those 30 pound butterballs several times a day for kisses and loves. That belly that I used to see as so awful is practically nonexistent in this photo. And that thigh looks pretty slim too! 
In the past two weeks I have had 2 women that had not seen my weight or knew what I weighed guessed me at 185. I’ve struggled with making heads or tails of that info. The only conclusion that I can come to is that my body must carry a lot more muscle than I ever realized. Since muscle weighs more than fat, I must be really strong. I also have known how to dress this body for a long time. I pride myself on the ability to pick out flattering attire that accentuates my figure instead of squeezing it in. 
Enough of my bragging. I’m headed to shower and bed because those 11 babies wear a girl out! I’m going to close with this, no matter what you think your body looks like, you’re probably wrong. You are gorgeous in any shape or size. Your body will always be your vessel and the transportation device for your mind, heart and soul. Don’t lie to yourself and beat yourself down about your body image. I’m here to tell you that body acceptance is a real deal. Come to terms with it and you’ll be so much happier!

I’m scared…

I’m scared and I can’t do this anymore. What am i scared of? Seeing that god awful 240 number on the scale. Not fitting in my favorite pair of size 16 jeans again. Seeing my fat cheeks again. Feeling constricted and panicked in my own skin. Getting winded painting my toenails. Feeling like a slave to my food choices and a schedule. 

For almost a year, I have stopped focusing on myself and my health and it seemed fun at the time. I mean, I still feel pretty great actually. I don’t look at my nakedness and hate it. I feel like I’m strong and happy and loved more than ever. But something is missing. I never really found a beautiful balance in my healthy lifestyle. I never felt secure and in charge. I felt like my world could just spin around at any moment and I’d be stuck under the house in my sparkly shoes and striped stockings just like in the Wizard of Oz. 

My life is now starting its third week of more newness and change and I’m so scared. I want to be happy still. I want to stay strong. I don’t want to feel too much. I like to be in charge and it’s scary when feelings start creeping in. I have never really known how to channel feelings into healthy and beautiful things. I have been given some pretty amazing talents gifts and abilities. Why not put them to use when I start to get the feels? 

I know this post is rambling but I need to get these thoughts out of my head. This blog is my journal, my diary, my unbiased friend and my release. I will continue to use it that way. The fact that I have loving readers is a bonus. Haha!

What I’m trying to say is that I’m back at it. I hate when people post crap to get attention when they’re starting a new life change but tomorrow is day 1 of 21. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit so off I go! I’m taking it 21 days at a time and I will get back to my happy healthy place. I’m ready this time. 

Tonight I watched this video and it really hit me hard. I could have seriously wept while watching it because it’s a perfect metaphor for what’s been going on in my life. Have a look…

If for some reason you can’t view it, here’s a breakdown. At the beginning you see a beautiful gymnast nailing her flips and tumbles. As it goes on it talks about how many times she has fallen to achieve the perfection displayed in the first scene. It’s so brutal to watch her strong and beautiful body fall and be thrown down over and over again. It actually makes me wince in sympathy for her. 

You see the reason this metaphor is so touching to me is because I am that gymnast. I have nailed the flips. I have gracefully back handsprung in this weight loss journey. I have also flopped and flailed and ached and cried and been angry and thrown fits. And I’ve failed. I’ve failed miserably. And in that failure I have learned so many things. 

1. I will never be perfect. Although what you see on the outside may seem pretty darn perfect. I will never ever be perfect. 

2. I am pretty dang awesome. I am working on my third year of this HUGE lifestyle change and I am in better shape now at 31 than I ever was in my entire 20s. 

3. I never gave up. I kept practicing and perfecting and trying again. I will probably never get it right but I will get it right for me. 

4. There is always a fresh start to every day, week, month or year. You can start over again. 

5. My path is my own. No one will be there for me in the end but myself. I should not care one iota what others think of me or my demons or victories. This is my own journey. I’m going to keep on walking it.