The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Month: February, 2013

Day 4…

I thought I’d just check in for a minute in between housewife-ly duties. This morning I had a protein shake for breakfast, then I had another for lunch and the kids had leftovers and they looked so good so I gave in and had a bowl of Velveeta Shells and Cheese and a slice of smoked ham cut up in it. I limited my portion thinking that I was doing great and went to log it into My Fitness Pal and BAM! It was a terrible amount of calories. I’m trying not to beat myself up because I did spend 30 minutes before that digging my car out of the 12+ inches of snow we had which burned quite a few calories but I’m mad because I could’ve burned off the old fat calories instead of poking new ones into my body. Oh well, I cant be perfect all the time…but if I truly want this to work, I have to be perfect all the time!

Today I’ve decided to talk about motivators and address the question “Why havent I done this before?”.

My biggest motivator when I started Sunday night was that I wanted to be smaller…I’ve always wanted to be below 200 lbs and I guess I’d just had enough of it. Once someone told me, “It’s not fair, dear that you were dealt with heavy genes but you have to face up to it. You’re going to spend your whole life either gaining weight or fighting to lose it.” While that statement really sucks, it’s the honest to God truth. I think that is going to ring true for almost anyone in the USA (except those fortunate enough to be naturally twiggy). Most certainly everyone I know is overweight at least 20 or 30 lbs…most of them more than that. It definitely isnt fair but it’s the hand I was dealt. It hit me hard because I’m less than 50 lbs away from 300 lbs! Isnt that crazy! While I feel like a curvy, heavy, confident and happy woman, my body is dwindling on the verge of being “morbidly obese”. Ew! I just shudder at that word! I’m all about the fat acceptance and I seriously never judge people based on their size BUT I certainly dont want to be in that category! Not me, mommy of 2 active young kids. Not me, happy photographer and wife. Not me, young woman of childbearing age. Not me, popular Facebooker. Not me, puppy owner. Not me, thrift store shopper extraordinaire! I guess that was my main reason when I started.

Then! God must’ve known this was in the plan all along because on Tuesday, my little brother’s fiance asked me to be a bridesmaid in their wedding that is in less than 6 months! First off, I said “Yes” because I love her to pieces and would love to be a part in their huge day. Then after I got off the phone with her, I started to think…dang, I will be the oldest and biggest one standing up there. I dont want my weight to hold me back from being there for people…especially my family. So anyway, here’s the God part. I want to lose 61 lbs by Christmas…I know that’s pushing it but I was like “Um…if I can lose 10 lbs a month, I can almost hit that mark by their wedding day!” Granted 60 lbs will not make me beach body ready it will definitely make me feel better about standing next to thin college girls. LOL!

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Now here’s the part where I’m going to answer the “Why didnt I try to lose weight before now” question. The reason is really simple. I didnt want to be one of those women. I didnt want to be walking around, sipping on my smoothie, wearing exercise clothes, sporting cute tennies and a high ponytail. You know the type. They’re always updating their Facebook statuses to things like “On my way to the gym.” “Gonna get five miles in today.” “I just jumped on the scales and guess what? I’m down 45 lbs!” “High five me! I just reached my weight loss goal!” or posting pics of their pants that were 10 sizes too big. There’s nothing particularly wrong with wanting all that public attention for a job well done, it’s just not me. Why is it not me? Well, it’s because I love myself…fat body and all. I have never stopped loving myself and I do not think that my weight is a result of some “self hate” or image problem. I feel like by posting all those things on Facebook or grabbing for attention like that, you are putting that fat body in a closet and saying “That woman that I was then, did you see her ass? Yeah, that one. Well, she was a terrible miserable person.” I am not that person. I do not want to compare my fat body to my skinny one. Yes, I’ll be able to do more things. Yes, I’ll be able to wear cuter clothes. Yes, I’ll be happy to go to the beach and swimming pool with my kids. But will I put down my “former self”? HECK NO! Because I still will be my former self…just making different choices about what I put into my body and what activities I choose to do for my body. I did not want to change. That’s why I didnt want to push myself so hard to lose the weight. I want to still be myself and I dont want to put myself down in any way because no one deserves that. I’ve been put down enough in my life, I’m sure as heck not going to do it to myself!

I am still Kristin…wife to Tim, mommy to Albany and Bowdy, photographer for many, fur baby owner of many critters, lover of cats, Netflix addict, crocheter, decorator, garage sale shopper,  granddaughter, aunt, sister, cousin, daughter, friend, and the list goes on…but I will just be a thinner one of all of those in about 6 short months. I can do this and I will do this!

Day 2…

So I’m terribly sorry for not posting yesterday so I’ll give you a little recap…

I woke up, drank my protein drink for breakfast and lunch and had probably 5 huge glasses of water. I craved something salty all afternoon and finally broke down about 4:00 and had 2 crackers with easy cheese and a package of apple strawberry 100% fruit snacks after that. Followed by a ton of water. I ate a decent supper last night. At some point in the day, I remember that a few of my friends used the My Fitness Pal on their phones so I downloaded that and tried it out. It was actually really cool. I almost used all my calories yesterday. I think I had 90 to spare. I also got out the ole Wii Fit game and set it all up and “worked out” on it for 24 minutes. I felt ok about yesterday…those cravings were killer but I worked through them and I was proud of myself.

 

Today…day 2…I think it went AH-mazing! I didnt have any cravings at all. It was kinda wierd. I made a pot of vegetable beef soup for my family at lunchtime but didnt eat a single bite. I stuck to my shakes at breakfast and lunch, had a banana for a snack and drank boo-koo water. I have been logging  my food into My Fitness Pal and I still have 300 calories or so to consume tonight but after a big bowl of soup and ham salad sandwich for supper, I’m actually really full. I am feeling pretty proud of myself today because I feel like my stomach may actually be shrinking (which is kinda good). I felt pretty full after my sandwich and practically forced myself to eat the soup but it was delicious. My family is having popcorn tonight and I passed it up. It smells good but I honestly just feel too full to eat it. I’ll just drink my water and blog away. I feel slightly guilty about not doing the Wii today but I’ll hit it tomorrow.

I keep seeing pictures of slimmer women than me and cute outfits on Pinterest and I just keep thinking “Wow, that’s sooo going to be me in a year or so.” I pray every day that I keep that mindset. I really want to do it this time and be successful at it. I sometimes feel like I maybe havent done anything else in my life that has been all that successful or that has been “obvoiusly” successful and this may be something to be proud of. TTFN! I’ll post more soon. 🙂

Here I go…

I’m going to be really honest with you readers…whoever you may be. This is the third blog that I’ve started. The first one was a place that I could get all my “bad” thoughts out. The second was a fakey way to appear blissfully happy. This one is the real deal. I’m hoping to one day be able to share my personal weight battle publicly. That’s why I’m starting this blog. I’m hoping to be really real. I may post profanity…I may upload some questionable photos (I’m an artist after all…) and I may embarrass or call out some people in my life. So if you’re reading this, maybe it’ll be a little insight into the real me for now.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. Up until now, I havent been real about this obesity battle. I have loved myself regardless of what I looked like. Granted, there were things I dont particulary like about myself but even twiggy chicks are like that. LOL!

If you want to know my secrets, it’s simple. I’m going to drink 2 protein shakes as a replacement meal and then have a sensible dinner. I plan to excercise in some form every day. If I feel the need to snack, I’ll have a banana or granola bar or something low in calories. I will NOT drink sweet tea or pop! I will only drink water and milk (I hate milk but that’s what I plan to mix my protein stuff into). I plan to use the Wii Fit game, Jillian Michaels Wii fitness game, my elliptical, and walk outside whenever possible.

Now heres the really embarrassing part…my stats. I am 28 years old. I have 2 five-year-old children. My husband works weirdo hours and I stay at home. We have a 3 story house with 2 flights of stairs that I should totally utilize more often. LOL! I wear a size 22 or 24 jeans and a 2x and 3x shirt. My shoes are a size 9 usually and I have really wide feet (I’ve heard that shoe sizes change once people lose weight so I thought I’d throw that out there). I weigh nearly 265 pounds and I wear a size 42D bra (which I’m sure is not the correct size if I were to be sized). I have no idea what my inches are anywhere and I’m not going to focus on those.

I dont feel like an over eater but a person who doesnt eat the right things. Today, I had leftover Pollo La Fiesta from last night’s Mexican for lunch. I had a 20 oz Dr. Pepper this afternoon. I ate part of a jaw breaker then spit it out. I had a grilled cheese sandwich for supper with a little bit of Ramen noodles (that I didnt finish). I drank one whole glass of sweet tea all day to finish out the pitcher and I’m vowing to not make more unless I have company and I will NOT drink it. It is the devil in my book. I drank 3 glasses of water. I ate 2.5 pretty good sized monster cookies and a mug of milk after the kids went to bed tonight. Aside from the cookies, I honestly dont feel like I ate very many calories today but I tend to do that. I’ve heard that if you do not consume what you should that your body goes into “emergency” mode and starts storing all the fat that it can. I sometimes think I have too much useless information floating around in my head. LOL!

As for my health, last year my cholesterol tested a little high and I’ve been told that I have insulin resistance waaaay back in the past. I had gestational diabetes while pregnant with my son but I do not still have diabetes. I have terrible allergies and get allergy shots every week and I have allergy related asthma which hardly ever gives me trouble unless I’m in things I’m allergic to…woods, mold, things like that. My back has been giving me trouble off an on ever since I carried the elliptical upstairs a few months ago but I’m seeing a chiropractor and it seems to be feeling better now after he treated me for a pinched nerve and aligned several vertebrae that were out of place.

As for my mental health, I feel kinda crazy lately. I do not take medicine for depression or anything like that. My therapist said that I may have a touch of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) but it’s totally treatable without medication so we’re all good there. Lately I’ve been a little under the “black cloud” as I call it but the past 3 days have been great. I’m finally feeling like the hopeful happy mommy that I’m supposed to be. I have things that occassionally make me mad or bring me down but I can shrug my shoulders and move on now. It’s a great feeling.

I’m not sure what else to write…I’ve had tons of things on my mind all day but now I’m kinda blank. I guess my short term goals other than the exercise and diet goals that I mentioned above are to type something here every day. It may be a quick log of what I’ve eaten and what exercise I’ve done and it may be a quick update on my mental status or a whiney rant about how much I hate the elliptical sometimes. I dont know but I plan to type something. I think it’ll be really cool to look back in a year or so and see some of the battles that I’ve fought and won and the feelings associated with them. As for long term, I plan to get below 200 lbs. Once I lose 30 lbs, I will treat myself to a tattoo that I’ve been wanting for a while. And once I reach my final goal, Tim is going to take me and the kids to a beach on the ocean somewhere. Wherever or whenever it happens, we’re just going to pack up and go…be spontaneous. I’m so excited about that part! I plan to buy myself new clothes as needed within reason. That’s not really a good reward because I used to do that before. LOL! I need to set a 15 lb goal but I’m blank so far…maybe Tim and I will go on that romantic getaway we’ve been pondering about or maybe I’ll go kid free and thrift store shop all alone or maybe I’ll just take a trip to Colorado to see my brother and his fiance…who knows.

Tonight I’m feeling hopeful…you hear that word a lot. HOPE…seems like no matter what the situation hope is never lost. Cancer victims always carry a little hope in their pockets…marathon runners always have a little hope that their feet will cross the line first…pregnant mothers carrying a baby with a missing chromosome always have hope that the tests will be wrong…new puppy owners always hope that their puppy will be housetrained before they run out of carpet spray and paper towels…truck drivers always hope to get home in time to see their families…it truly is a word that every single human being has experienced in their lifetime. Sometimes there is honestly no hope and sometimes we lose hope but I’m not. I’ve always been an overly optimistic person and I plan to continue in that thinking. I may fall off the bandwagon once or twice but I’m hopeful that I can pick up where I left off and stick with it.

I so desire to be that “cool” mom that’s kids are not embarrassed by or that “hot” wife who’s husband is so excited to show off to his buddies. But most of all…I want my outside to reflect the goodness and prettiness and happiness that is budding on the inside. I’m just a hopeful fat girl…