Here I go…

by kristinwood

I’m going to be really honest with you readers…whoever you may be. This is the third blog that I’ve started. The first one was a place that I could get all my “bad” thoughts out. The second was a fakey way to appear blissfully happy. This one is the real deal. I’m hoping to one day be able to share my personal weight battle publicly. That’s why I’m starting this blog. I’m hoping to be really real. I may post profanity…I may upload some questionable photos (I’m an artist after all…) and I may embarrass or call out some people in my life. So if you’re reading this, maybe it’ll be a little insight into the real me for now.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. Up until now, I havent been real about this obesity battle. I have loved myself regardless of what I looked like. Granted, there were things I dont particulary like about myself but even twiggy chicks are like that. LOL!

If you want to know my secrets, it’s simple. I’m going to drink 2 protein shakes as a replacement meal and then have a sensible dinner. I plan to excercise in some form every day. If I feel the need to snack, I’ll have a banana or granola bar or something low in calories. I will NOT drink sweet tea or pop! I will only drink water and milk (I hate milk but that’s what I plan to mix my protein stuff into). I plan to use the Wii Fit game, Jillian Michaels Wii fitness game, my elliptical, and walk outside whenever possible.

Now heres the really embarrassing part…my stats. I am 28 years old. I have 2 five-year-old children. My husband works weirdo hours and I stay at home. We have a 3 story house with 2 flights of stairs that I should totally utilize more often. LOL! I wear a size 22 or 24 jeans and a 2x and 3x shirt. My shoes are a size 9 usually and I have really wide feet (I’ve heard that shoe sizes change once people lose weight so I thought I’d throw that out there). I weigh nearly 265 pounds and I wear a size 42D bra (which I’m sure is not the correct size if I were to be sized). I have no idea what my inches are anywhere and I’m not going to focus on those.

I dont feel like an over eater but a person who doesnt eat the right things. Today, I had leftover Pollo La Fiesta from last night’s Mexican for lunch. I had a 20 oz Dr. Pepper this afternoon. I ate part of a jaw breaker then spit it out. I had a grilled cheese sandwich for supper with a little bit of Ramen noodles (that I didnt finish). I drank one whole glass of sweet tea all day to finish out the pitcher and I’m vowing to not make more unless I have company and I will NOT drink it. It is the devil in my book. I drank 3 glasses of water. I ate 2.5 pretty good sized monster cookies and a mug of milk after the kids went to bed tonight. Aside from the cookies, I honestly dont feel like I ate very many calories today but I tend to do that. I’ve heard that if you do not consume what you should that your body goes into “emergency” mode and starts storing all the fat that it can. I sometimes think I have too much useless information floating around in my head. LOL!

As for my health, last year my cholesterol tested a little high and I’ve been told that I have insulin resistance waaaay back in the past. I had gestational diabetes while pregnant with my son but I do not still have diabetes. I have terrible allergies and get allergy shots every week and I have allergy related asthma which hardly ever gives me trouble unless I’m in things I’m allergic to…woods, mold, things like that. My back has been giving me trouble off an on ever since I carried the elliptical upstairs a few months ago but I’m seeing a chiropractor and it seems to be feeling better now after he treated me for a pinched nerve and aligned several vertebrae that were out of place.

As for my mental health, I feel kinda crazy lately. I do not take medicine for depression or anything like that. My therapist said that I may have a touch of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) but it’s totally treatable without medication so we’re all good there. Lately I’ve been a little under the “black cloud” as I call it but the past 3 days have been great. I’m finally feeling like the hopeful happy mommy that I’m supposed to be. I have things that occassionally make me mad or bring me down but I can shrug my shoulders and move on now. It’s a great feeling.

I’m not sure what else to write…I’ve had tons of things on my mind all day but now I’m kinda blank. I guess my short term goals other than the exercise and diet goals that I mentioned above are to type something here every day. It may be a quick log of what I’ve eaten and what exercise I’ve done and it may be a quick update on my mental status or a whiney rant about how much I hate the elliptical sometimes. I dont know but I plan to type something. I think it’ll be really cool to look back in a year or so and see some of the battles that I’ve fought and won and the feelings associated with them. As for long term, I plan to get below 200 lbs. Once I lose 30 lbs, I will treat myself to a tattoo that I’ve been wanting for a while. And once I reach my final goal, Tim is going to take me and the kids to a beach on the ocean somewhere. Wherever or whenever it happens, we’re just going to pack up and go…be spontaneous. I’m so excited about that part! I plan to buy myself new clothes as needed within reason. That’s not really a good reward because I used to do that before. LOL! I need to set a 15 lb goal but I’m blank so far…maybe Tim and I will go on that romantic getaway we’ve been pondering about or maybe I’ll go kid free and thrift store shop all alone or maybe I’ll just take a trip to Colorado to see my brother and his fiance…who knows.

Tonight I’m feeling hopeful…you hear that word a lot. HOPE…seems like no matter what the situation hope is never lost. Cancer victims always carry a little hope in their pockets…marathon runners always have a little hope that their feet will cross the line first…pregnant mothers carrying a baby with a missing chromosome always have hope that the tests will be wrong…new puppy owners always hope that their puppy will be housetrained before they run out of carpet spray and paper towels…truck drivers always hope to get home in time to see their families…it truly is a word that every single human being has experienced in their lifetime. Sometimes there is honestly no hope and sometimes we lose hope but I’m not. I’ve always been an overly optimistic person and I plan to continue in that thinking. I may fall off the bandwagon once or twice but I’m hopeful that I can pick up where I left off and stick with it.

I so desire to be that “cool” mom that’s kids are not embarrassed by or that “hot” wife who’s husband is so excited to show off to his buddies. But most of all…I want my outside to reflect the goodness and prettiness and happiness that is budding on the inside. I’m just a hopeful fat girl…