Day 4…

by kristinwood

I thought I’d just check in for a minute in between housewife-ly duties. This morning I had a protein shake for breakfast, then I had another for lunch and the kids had leftovers and they looked so good so I gave in and had a bowl of Velveeta Shells and Cheese and a slice of smoked ham cut up in it. I limited my portion thinking that I was doing great and went to log it into My Fitness Pal and BAM! It was a terrible amount of calories. I’m trying not to beat myself up because I did spend 30 minutes before that digging my car out of the 12+ inches of snow we had which burned quite a few calories but I’m mad because I could’ve burned off the old fat calories instead of poking new ones into my body. Oh well, I cant be perfect all the time…but if I truly want this to work, I have to be perfect all the time!

Today I’ve decided to talk about motivators and address the question “Why havent I done this before?”.

My biggest motivator when I started Sunday night was that I wanted to be smaller…I’ve always wanted to be below 200 lbs and I guess I’d just had enough of it. Once someone told me, “It’s not fair, dear that you were dealt with heavy genes but you have to face up to it. You’re going to spend your whole life either gaining weight or fighting to lose it.” While that statement really sucks, it’s the honest to God truth. I think that is going to ring true for almost anyone in the USA (except those fortunate enough to be naturally twiggy). Most certainly everyone I know is overweight at least 20 or 30 lbs…most of them more than that. It definitely isnt fair but it’s the hand I was dealt. It hit me hard because I’m less than 50 lbs away from 300 lbs! Isnt that crazy! While I feel like a curvy, heavy, confident and happy woman, my body is dwindling on the verge of being “morbidly obese”. Ew! I just shudder at that word! I’m all about the fat acceptance and I seriously never judge people based on their size BUT I certainly dont want to be in that category! Not me, mommy of 2 active young kids. Not me, happy photographer and wife. Not me, young woman of childbearing age. Not me, popular Facebooker. Not me, puppy owner. Not me, thrift store shopper extraordinaire! I guess that was my main reason when I started.

Then! God must’ve known this was in the plan all along because on Tuesday, my little brother’s fiance asked me to be a bridesmaid in their wedding that is in less than 6 months! First off, I said “Yes” because I love her to pieces and would love to be a part in their huge day. Then after I got off the phone with her, I started to think…dang, I will be the oldest and biggest one standing up there. I dont want my weight to hold me back from being there for people…especially my family. So anyway, here’s the God part. I want to lose 61 lbs by Christmas…I know that’s pushing it but I was like “Um…if I can lose 10 lbs a month, I can almost hit that mark by their wedding day!” Granted 60 lbs will not make me beach body ready it will definitely make me feel better about standing next to thin college girls. LOL!

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Now here’s the part where I’m going to answer the “Why didnt I try to lose weight before now” question. The reason is really simple. I didnt want to be one of those women. I didnt want to be walking around, sipping on my smoothie, wearing exercise clothes, sporting cute tennies and a high ponytail. You know the type. They’re always updating their Facebook statuses to things like “On my way to the gym.” “Gonna get five miles in today.” “I just jumped on the scales and guess what? I’m down 45 lbs!” “High five me! I just reached my weight loss goal!” or posting pics of their pants that were 10 sizes too big. There’s nothing particularly wrong with wanting all that public attention for a job well done, it’s just not me. Why is it not me? Well, it’s because I love myself…fat body and all. I have never stopped loving myself and I do not think that my weight is a result of some “self hate” or image problem. I feel like by posting all those things on Facebook or grabbing for attention like that, you are putting that fat body in a closet and saying “That woman that I was then, did you see her ass? Yeah, that one. Well, she was a terrible miserable person.” I am not that person. I do not want to compare my fat body to my skinny one. Yes, I’ll be able to do more things. Yes, I’ll be able to wear cuter clothes. Yes, I’ll be happy to go to the beach and swimming pool with my kids. But will I put down my “former self”? HECK NO! Because I still will be my former self…just making different choices about what I put into my body and what activities I choose to do for my body. I did not want to change. That’s why I didnt want to push myself so hard to lose the weight. I want to still be myself and I dont want to put myself down in any way because no one deserves that. I’ve been put down enough in my life, I’m sure as heck not going to do it to myself!

I am still Kristin…wife to Tim, mommy to Albany and Bowdy, photographer for many, fur baby owner of many critters, lover of cats, Netflix addict, crocheter, decorator, garage sale shopper,  granddaughter, aunt, sister, cousin, daughter, friend, and the list goes on…but I will just be a thinner one of all of those in about 6 short months. I can do this and I will do this!

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