The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Month: August, 2013

There’s a man…

(This is totally not weight loss related but wanted to share some thoughts about this man in my life. 🙂

There’s a man sleeping quietly next to me with his warm strong hand on my hip. I feel his feet underneath mine where they have fit perfectly for 10 years. I can hear his breathing and feel it on my shoulder. I look over at his eyelashes and his relaxed unshaven face and resist the urge to take a picture. I know he would hate it if I did and wouldn’t see the beauty in it the way I do. So I’ll take a snapshot with my eyes like I’ve done so many times before and pray that when my body fails me with age that my mind will still be sharp so I can bring back these beautiful snapshots and replay them over and over like a slideshow. For that will be good enough because no picture on paper will ever fully capture the love and the emotions I feel when I see this man sleeping next to me.

To my loving and wonderful husband, Tim. You’ve been by my side for so long and through so many things. You’re my constant, my companion, my knight in shining armor, and my home. I love you, forever…

Warning. This post may contain whining.

I’m feeling soooooo many things this morning. I’m going to post some of my feelings now, preworkout, then I’ll post an update once I’m done.

This past weekend has been such an emotional rollercoaster in so many ways. My little brother got married and moved away and I was in his wedding among some young, skinny, and pretty girls. After a day or so now, I may be able to put my feelings to words.

Right at this moment, I’m sitting here watching Good Morning America in my running clothes. Tim is eating bacon in the recliner next to me. The aroma makes me want to barf. And I know what you’re thinking…I’m NOT pregnant. Lol! My kids just got on the school bus about 20 minutes ago and it would be soooooo easy to just crawl back in bed. I’m exhausted from not sleeping well all weekend and the heat of the zoo yesterday.

I will post what I ate all weekend in another post but for now I’m going to force myself to run. I need it and I’m going to fight through every step to keep running during the”running parts” and get through this weeks workouts. In a previous post I talked about how mad I am at myself that I didn’t finish the running parts of last weeks workout so in redoing Week 4 and I’m going to do it perfectly. Wish me luck! Off I go!

Just sitting in the car rider line

I ran errands in town today so I decided to hang out around town until the kids got out of school. It was a really nice relaxing afternoon. I delivered a CD, bought fair tickets, met my friend for lunch, went to the Bargain Barn and bought some 25 cent books then I ran on our new path at the park.

Our health department worked so hard to get a grant for healthy improvements around town and my family has thoroughly enjoyed the park but I had never really taken advantage of the path. I honestly don’t know how long it is but I did a little over 2 miles during my workout today and I know I made several trips around it.

In other news, I just finished my 4th week of the Couch to 5K program today and I’m proud of myself for sticking with it and working really hard to fit our into my schedule. I will say that I haven’t pushed myself as hard as the program says…I’ve walked several times when you’re supposed to be running and I beat myself up over it. I keep telling myself that I’m still doing more than sitting around wishing I could exercise., I’m thinking I’ll redo this weeks workouts and try really hard to finish the running parts before moving to the next weeks workout. I think I’ll finally conquer it instead of feeling deflated. The instructions say you can repeat weeks and I’m going to do that.

Totally unrelated to weight loss and exercise but thought is give you an update on what’s going on in my life. This week my daughter started 1st grade and my son started kindergarten. It’s been different not having them home with me but I’ve been busy and running all week so I’m not sure the loneliness has set in just yet. Tomorrow we’ll be going to Joplin for my little brothers wedding. It’s going to be such a beautiful and fun weekend! I’m a bridesmaid and my kids are the ring bearer and flower girl. I haven’t seen my brother or his fiancée in about 3 months so I’m soooooo anxious to hug them both and spend time with them. It’ll be hectic as weddings usually are but I’m looking forward to every bit of it. I went to the grocery store today to buy things to keep in a cooler and eat in so we won’t eat out as much and hopefully it’ll be easier for me to stick to my calories that way.

That’s about all I know for now except I got new hot pink running shoes that I love! And they were 60% off too! Even better! Ttfn!

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Need a little inspiration

Today I logged on Facebook like I do every morning and this was the first thing on my news feed. Soooooo what I needed to hear today!

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As soon as my kids are on the bus, I’m going to be the queen of this workout! Happy today everyone!

I’m not gonna lie

I’m not gonna lie, I’m thinking about quitting running. I’m kicking myself for even thinking these thoughts. The last workout I did was Saturday morning and it was killer! I got up early and it was hard. I walked through at least the last half of the last interval of running. I was almost in tears and beating myself up over it. I had the pain in my side and my knees were hurting so bad and I had rubbed a dime size blister on the arch of my foot to where it felt like I was running on a pebble. I felt like such a whiner and a failure.

Today was a big day for me. Bowdy started kindergarten and Albany started first grade. So I have no more babies at home. It’s a weird feeling that I haven’t put to words just yet. And with all of the hustle and bustle today, I didn’t run this morning. It was the first day I’ve missed in 4 weeks and it made me crazy. I did do 1.25 miles on the elliptical tonight instead. I’m going to try again to run tomorrow. It’s not supposed to be easy. I’ll get there and you know…if I have to walk a little, I have to walk a little. It’s better than loafing on the couch, eating chocolate. 😉

Here’s a fun picture of me…on the elliptical in tennis shoes and a dress. Whatever it takes. 🙂

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I think I was here last week

Catchy title, huh? LOL! No seriously, I’m pretty sure last Friday night, I was sitting alone in the living room tapping away on this little blog while I sipped a glass of ice water. I think I was releasing some anxieties about the next week’s workouts. I’m here again and I read tomorrow’s workout (big mistake…one day I’ll learn not to do that) and it got me all nervous. I have to start out by walking 5 minutes, running 3, walking 90 seconds, running 5 minutes, walking 2 and half minutes, and doing it all over again. I’ll be honest with you, I only made it the first workout last week without giving up and walking during the running parts…days 2 and 3, I walked a little. I was weak, it was hot, there were people parked at the end of my road that made me nervous…excuses excuses. Tomorrow I’m going to kill that run and I’m going to vow to not give in to the weaknesses. When my legs feel like jello and my feet hurt from my new shoes that arent quite broken in yet, I’m going to yell at myself and kick it into gear. I may be slow but I’m still trying! My voice in my head and heart will be my battle cry! I have conquered so many things in these past 3 weeks and I will conquer this too!

On a little different note, I’m proud to announce that I’ve lost 23 lbs overall! I now weigh 242 lbs and I’m still going downhill. Not once have I gained at weigh in…not even an ounce! I weigh on the Wii and I’m soooo looking forward to being in the “overweight” category soon instead of the “obese” category. I still have a ways to go and several more pounds but I’m getting there.

I have been on a little soapbox lately and I’m not sure how to express my thoughts so bear with me. I feel like there are so many fad diets out there and so many things being thrown at overweight people that frankly overwhelms me. Seems like Shakeology, Slimfast, Nutrasystem, Jenny Craig, Sparkpeople, Pinterest Fitness boards are all over the place. Everyone telling you something different. I dont think there’s a magic quick fix solution. I was talking to my allergist a while ago when I first started losing weight and I told him the ony way to lose weight is to burn more calories than you consume. Obviously you have to consume a substantial amount just to function and live everyday but the way to lose weight is to factor all of those things in. It’s no great mystery and it’s something money can’t buy. All these fad diets or gimicks are just tools to help you get over certain hurdles. He agreed with me and I think that means alot coming from a doctor.

My diet isn’t anything crazy and I don’t tell myself there are things I cant have. If I want a cookie dough blizzard from the Dairy Lane I have a bite of my kids because those 35 calories in that bite are a whole lot easier to burn off than the 350 calories in the whole thing! If I want a slice of 550 calorie Casey’s pizza, I will eat fruit and salad for lunch to save up for the pizza. When my kids beg me for a sugary slushie, I get them one and I now buy a bottle of water for myself instead of getting a large slushie for me too. I may sip theirs but I dont need super size all you can eat smorgasboard of calories to just sit in my body taking up space and turning into fat.

You’ve heard the phrase “Eat clean, train mean”? I try my best to live by that. I can tell you, it’s sooo not easy to work that exercise in but it’s the key. At night, I tuck my sweet babies in and go down the hall to my “room” and do a mile on the elliptical every night. I seldom skip because I feel so incredibly guilty if I do. I’ve incorporated that into my routine and I like it that way. It’s a good habit that I dont want to break. I run/walk/train 3 days a week…Saturdays, Mondays and Wednesdays. It’s tricky because tomorrow I have a photo session at 9 and that’s when I would normally run. Now I have to set an alarm and get up earlier. Next weekend is my brother’s wedding and I have yet to figure out how to get my workout in before pictures at 7 am and still have fabulous hair and makeup and get my little flower girl and ring bearer ready. It’s hard being fit and active and healthy but it’s worth it. I’m worth it and I’m proud to be doing it. I’m setting a great example for my kids and I pray they dont get lazy like I did. I kick myself daily for allowing myself to get this way and not realizing the importance of exercise.

I started college 11 years ago at AIB College of Business in Des Moines. At the time, my room was on the same level as the fitness center…did I use it? Nope…not once. How awful is that!?! I baked weekly and shared with my floormates and I ate out daily. I ate what I wanted and my body slowly suffered. I have no idea what I weighed then but my driver’s license said 150. If only I had exersized regularly, I might not be where I am now. If only I had actually cared what went into my body, I might not be where I am now. So many “if onlys”.

I know I’m one of the unlucky people on this planet that get heavy easily and I’m kinda a picky eater. But exercise would have played a huge role in the amount of weight I’ve gained over 11 years. I’ll get off my soapbox now and stop rambling. Tomorrow, I will get up at 7:15, work my ass off and be back home, showered and ready for my session at 9 and I will be the Queen of my day. 🙂 Night ya’ll.

A little bowl of yogurt

It’s funny to me that a late night snack is now a small piece of Swiss cheese and a bowl of perfectly measured yogurt. Months ago, my late night snack would’ve consisted of potato chips and several glasses of sweet tea. No wonder I never slept well and would wake up feeling grouchy and not ready for the day!

Both of my kids will be starting school next week and instead of crying about my babies growing up, I’m thinking of ways to get things done while they’re gimme and work in some good workouts. I’m excited for the chance to change my routine for the better!

Sorry for the quick post but I’ll leave you with a picture you would’ve never seen from me months ago. It’s a bowl of yogurt in my lap and my legs are bare in shorts. I used to never show my legs before! Trust me, I have a long ways to go before you’ll see me out and about in daisy dukes but I’ll proud of the muscle tone I’m gaining in my tree trunk legs! Here’s to small victories!

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A little before and after..

I know, I know…there’s not a huge difference in the 2 pictures but I can see that my clothes are definitely looser and my belly isn’t so pregnant looking. Lol! The left side, I took today after my run (that’s why my hair is awful) and the right side was 3 weeks ago, right before my first run.

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Can you tell the difference? Do I look like a real runner? Lol!

Happy Sunday!

I know it’s Sunday and I “nonverbally”decided I would take a break from exercise on Sundays but I just did a mile on the elliptical and I’m really looking forward to tomorrow’s run. Can you believe it? Me, >250 girl wanting to exercise? Well believe it! I’m loving the burn and the sweat and the time to myself, even if it is 30 minutes or 10. Lol! There’s a lot of crazy things in my life lately with my kids starting school next week and all the changes that come with a new routine but I’m really looking forward to the good things that are happening. A friend of mine posted about a NSV (non scale victory) on Facebook the other day. I thought it was a cool way to look at it so I thought I’d shares few NSV’s with you.

1. My XXL tshirts are now too big…and I mean baggy in the armpits and everywhere big! It’s silly but at this years Relay For Life I set a goal to be wearing a size large shirt at next years Relay. At the time it seemed so crazy to make that goal with myself but I know I’m going to get there soon. It’s been since high school since I fit in a size large!

2. Someone told me I looked good the other day! I was floored because someone noticed! I read somewhere that it takes 4 weeks for you to notice the change in yourself, 8 weeks for family and close friends, and 12 for everyone else. So for her to notice was pretty exciting to me!

3. My butt is starting to get a cute little curve to it! I’m sure my grandmother will blush reading this but it’s true! I stand in front of the mirror about once a week (and check for ticks usually. Lol!) and give my body the once over and I noticed it today. It’s changing in a good way!

That’s all I can think of for now. I’ll keep sharing as I notice things. I’m off to bed to set my alarm for tomorrows twerkout. 🙂

Just a few late night thoughts

So I’m laying in bed and I just set my alarm to go for my run tomorrow. The other day I went out at about 9:30 and it was 80° with 89% humidity and it was miserable! I think that’s why I was struggling so much. They also just started brush hogging the pasture that is on that road that I run on…so allergies were feeling it a little. So tomorrow I decided to beat the heat and it will be soooooo hard! I won’t want to get up when the rest of my family is sleeping in on a Saturday. Oh well, I’ll just have to get over it. It’s totally worth it.

I’m also super nervous about tomorrow’s workout. I will have to run for 3 solid minutes! Twice! I have been kinda freaking out about that part for a few days but I’m trying to give myself a good pep talk and imagine how good I’ll feel once I actually do it and complete tomorrow’s workout.

I told myself tonight that if I can do the elliptical for a solid 12 minutes and keep a decent pace, I can run for 3 minutes. Sometimes when I’m running I talk to myself and the most common phrase I tell myself is “You may be slow but you’re lapping everyone on the couch.” I’m sure you’ve all probably read it but it really is the truth. I know back when I started by walking alone and didn’t do much else for cardio, I always felt like I wasn’t working out enough but look at me now! Those walks on my little path were the baby steps on this journey! I’m getting there, slowly but surely!

By the way, The Color Run will be in Tempe, Arizona in January and I’m going to do it! I’m nervous and excited and pumped and happy and crazy out of my mind because I’m probably not going to meet my weight goal by then so I’ll really be a fat girl running. Lol! Wish me luck!