I hate this.
I know, I know…my mom’s voice is echoing in my head that “hate is a strong word and you shouldnt use it”. I hate this battle for so many reasons. I hate this journey for so many more. I hate that my kids are now so aware of body images and sizes. I hate that my kids now notice that I’m not skinny like other moms. I hate that I’m struggling with stupid things like “Oh, I cant do the eliptical tonight because I already took off my bra.” (Ok that part is pretty funny and rediculous at the same time. After typing this I might just go put one on and get on that dang thing.) I hate that I want a dang oatmeal creme pie tonight and I haven’t craved anything for 3 weeks…get that 3 WEEKS! I hate that I had to go grocery shopping tonight and actually make decisions. Tim usually does that for me. I hate that I’m not seeing my pants get looser and looser yet. I hate that I feel like a failure tonight. I hate that even though I didnt think food had a hold on me, it still does.
All my life I felt like I was bigger/heavier/fatter than other people. Even when I was skinny, I was a fat person stuck in that cheerleader body. I think even when I reach my goal and I’m down 60 lbs, I’ll still think like a fat girl. I’m so saddened that my kids are catching on to my weight loss plans. They’re 5 and 6 years old for Pete’s sake! I dont want them to have to worry about the things Mommy eats and whether or not I can have popcorn at night! It sucks so bad but it’s part of the battle. It’s part of me being an example for them. It brings me to tears because I want them to know I am a stong, confident and beautiful person even though I may never be a size 10 and 150 lbs. I pray that I can find the right words to say to them in those situations.
They other day, Albany wanted me to hurry and run to look at a flower with her. So I did. I wasnt winded or anything and when I got there she hugged me around my waist and had the happiest little voice and said “Mommy! You did it! You ran!!!” I seriously dont know if she was proud of me or what she was thinking but it broke my heart that something that small would make her so exhuberant. That’s why I keep running. You hear of mom’s that would do anything for their kids…well that’s me. I’m doing what it takes for my kids to see me work hard at this and achieve my goals and work to get and stay in shape for a healthier me.
Health is such a hard thing to explain to kids…I told them I wanted to get healthy and they immediately were chattering away about me getting “skinny”…I kinda think they’re missing the point but I have no idea how to explain it to them. That is the main reason why I hate this. I know God has a purpose for this journey and maybe it is for my kids to see me vulnerable after a weigh in or maybe it’s for them to see me all sweaty and red after a run. Who knows…one thing I do know is that I cant give up. I cant have that damn oatmeal creme pie. I have to go put my sports bra on and sweat it out on that elliptical. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do!
UPDATED! Just for the record, I did it! I just did a mile on the elliptical! Here’s the picture of sweaty me showing you I put my bra on, sucked it up, and canceled the pity party. 🙂