The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Month: September, 2013

Fad diets

I’m totally going to be on a soapbox tonight and there will be alot of ranting. So if this offends you, I’m glad to hear your opinions in a grown up way and I’ll be more than happy to do the research and eat my words if need be. Before I go on, I want every person reading this blog to know that I am no doctor or trained person in this field. I am about to post some of my very strong opinions and I also would like to remind you that this is MY blog…where I post MY feelings…and MY stories. If you dont like it, dont read it.

 

You have all heard the fad diets: SlimFast, Jenny Craig, diet pills, liquid diets, cabbage soup diets, Adkins diets, Eat for your Blood type diet, Body by Vi shakes, Shakeology, and the list goes on and on…Do you remember the old days when that machine was invented that you stood on and it had a belt that went around and jiggled the weight off? I vaguely remember the infomercials for it among other workout equipment like the AbCircle Pro. Here’s my feelings on them…anything that you have to buy a “product” for, will not work. I dont beleive in them, I dont endorse them, and I dont think they’ll work in the long run. I’m gonna add a disclaimer to that…I have a cousin that uses Advocare and has seen wonderful results. She also excercises nearly every day. I’m not going to bash Advocare right now because I dont know enough about it except that I’ve seen her results firsthand.

 

There is only one tried and true method that has survived the years and has been recommended by millions of doctors and you dont see it ever going out of style…DIET AND EXERCISE! That is now and will forever be the only weight loss solution that I will ever endorse. I believe in it with everything that I am. I also believe in the power of prayer. I have prayed on several occasions for God to help me through my workouts and He has not failed me yet! Even when my ankle was throbbing from the pounding on the pavement a few weeks ago, I prayed and with God’s help, I made it home!

 

I am scared to death to see what all of these chemicals and other things people are putting into their bodies is going to do to them! I feel like in 15-20-30 years, how many people are going to be suffering from adverse affects? Do you remember the old birth control pills like Yaz? Now there is a lawsuit and settlements because they caused blood clots. Do you remember Chantix? It was supposed to make you quit smoking. And as I recall, a TON of people quit smoking because of it. Hooray…oh wait, did you hear of all of the mental side effects and suicides as a result of it? Do you remember those diet pills from the 80s? Yeah…I dont think I need to remind you of how those turned out. Now I have to ask…do you know of any adverse effects from watching what you eat and exercise? Nope…not a single thing.

 

I feel like those fad diets are a cop out. People have excuse after excuse as to why they cant lose weight. If people would drop the excuses and put in the effort the way God intended, I’m sure there would be results. I’ve taken the time to understand the way my body works and the science of weight loss the healthy way. The only way I can fail with this diet and exercise thing is if I dont follow through. If I choose to eat things I shouldnt or if I dont exercise. It takes will power. It takes motivation. It takes prayer. It takes preparation. It takes hard work, determination, grit, and heart.

 

I know personally, when I’ve met my goal weight and I’m able to do things that I’ve always wanted to do, I will only have myself to thank. I have the power to change…nothing else has that power over me.

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Some random thoughts and NSV’s today

So today I’m filling in at the Farm Bureau office where I used to work and it is slow and boring right now do thought I’d blog a little and share some thoughts. 😉

Today I had several NSV’s (non scale victories). I had to dress in professional clothes today so I tried on 3 shirts that were too big! I never had clothes that were to big or baggy before! It was usually the other way around! I also put on a pair of jeans, I know…not so professional, but I figured I wouldn’t have any dress pants that would fit. Anyways, they were straight from the dryer and unbearably big! I would’ve probably had to wear a belt Andi hate belts because they usually squeeze my belly fat tight and make it look all dumpy and gross. Lol! So I tried on an old pair of dress pants that I bought about a year ago and wore to one wedding but they were so tight in my thighs at that time that I could barely bends or move (and they were stretchy kind too!). Today, those pants were too big too! They were even baggy in the thighs! So I put on another pair of black pants that had always been tight but were functional before and they were too big but bearable today. The waist had a clear button on the inside and then 2 hooks of some sort on the left side and I can remember being worried that they would bust the last time I sucked it in and buttoned them and today they buttoned and hooked just fine with room to spare! I was pretty excited! I’m finally noticing these results!

Other people are noticing too! I feel like 30 lbs isn’t much to lose but when I say that people usually look at me in shock and tell me that’s a lot! Cracks me up to think I’m only halfway to my goal. What is my halfway mark is more than what some people want to lose. I have always said that when you start out as big as I did that any physical activity causes the weight to just melt off. Now I know there’s alot more to it than that! It’s a simple concept to grasp and follow but not so simple to have to will power and motivation to follow through.

Every day I am thankful that I started this journey. I never knew I could feel this good. I never knew that I could finally be this content in my daily life. I never knew that I could be this strong or brave or encouraging! I follow a girl on Facebook and the name of her page is Finally Alive after 25 and that’s such a prefect way to describe this feeling…finally alive.

I weigh tomorrow and that number is important but not near as important as the way I’m feeling. I’m to the point in this journey where I don’t have to track every single calorie. I know what I should and shouldn’t do and I hold myself accountable now and I pray that sticks with me my whole life.

Tonight I lost a battle

I have vowed to be completely open and honest during this journey so I feel like I need to confess something. I had seconds at supper tonight…shoooh now it’s out in the open. Lol! And it was a terribly balanced meal of homemade beef and noodles and mashed potatoes. And to top it all off, I had no intentions of doing the elliptical.

I’m insanely dedicated to this weight loss journey and I plan to win a whole lot more battles than I lose so I’m not going to let this get me down. I don’t allow myself cheat days and days when I don’t think about what I eat. I don’t feel like I’ll truly make a lifestyle change if I do that. I do however think that if I’m realistic and hold myself accountable to bad choices and consciously strive to avoid them, I’ll definitely win.

I can only lose if I let myself and that’s not gonna happen. I’m too far in to turn back now. Tomorrow is a new day and a new battle and a fresh sunrise to rejoice in my blessings. 🙂

Perfectly Imperfect

These are totally random rantings to bear with me…I’m going to try to put my feelings into words.

 

Tonight I sit here in my sweaty workout clothes, my hair is in a messy ponytail with curly flyaways everywhere. I have perfect nails for probably the first time in my life…and they au natural…no polish, nothing. I have piles of laundry all over the living room, an unfinished blanket at my feet that I’ve been working on crocheting for months now. I finally cleared off the dining room table today to make it presentable in there and I put together my little treasure that my brought me a few weeks ago. It’s a really cool lazy Susan centerpiece with antique teal pottery…it’s just too hard to describe but it’s my favorite color ever. I finally found a solution to the kids’s Friday folder paper clutter and confined it to it’s own space today. I checked bills and we actually have enough to go around since I’ve been shooting more sessions and I actually feel like I contributed this month, financially. I sorted the bill stack and I’m about to go outside and burn a big pile of shredable papers. While I’m out there, I’ll probably pet the dog and look at the stars and maybe kiss a kitty or two. I love those fur babies…I’ll probably say a little prayer for my little doggie, Freckles to come home. This was his second day gone and I pray he comes home soon and unscathed…I love that little funny looking dog.

I’m feeling pretty great about my mommy role tonight. I made a boring supper of breaded fish planks (frozen), french fries, bread and butter pickles and a home grown watermelon that Tim’s aunt brought us today. It was delicious! Even though it was nothing to brag about, my kids ate it and complemented the chef. LOL! They ate their supper without fighting and played outside. I love nights like this where I can hear their little giggles and innocent conversations wafting in the windows as I work around the house. We did homework without a fight and read books before bed. And I’m proud to say they were tucked in, snug as a bug in a rug by 8 pm, on the dot tonight. A small feat, I rarely accomplish. It’s usually closer to 8:30. I did a mile on the elliptical, weighed and felt really great about things.

I guess the title of this post is Perfectly Imperfect because so many things arent quite right but at the same time, they’re exactly as they ought to be. Life here tonight was simple and beautiful and stress free and full of joy. I dont know why I feel so elated tonight but I’m blessed beyond measure and God is so good.

 

Maybe it’s because I’ve finally been able to run and exercise this week or maybe it’s because all things finally fell into place or maybe it’s just because I’m finally letiing all the bad go and making room for good now. I dont know what it is but I like it…no….I love it! It’s a beautiful night to go outside and feel the wind on my skin.

 

 

Goodbye Queen Trail

Today I tried to run on “my road”. Which is a gravel road just down the road from my house. I’ve always liked running there because there is never traffic and a pretty view of horses and cows. Today marks one week and 4 days since I hurt my ankle so I thought I’d try to run on that road again (Monday I ran in town on paved roads). On my very first interval today, I knew it was a bad idea. It hurt and jostled from the get go. Do I ran 4 intervals and was super careful…like creeping along careful and then I just gave up being careful and walked it. It really wasn’t worth hurting it again. I’m not mad at myself or anything I just realized that I cannot run on that road anymore. It also got me wondering if maybe that’s why I hurt my ankle in the first place. Could it be that my ankle was weak from running on those big chunks of gravel? Could I have had a slow tear? Am I gonna have to run in high tops? Lol!

After today I decided to find a new place to run that is paved. So if you’re going down 149 anytime on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday mornings, watch for the fat girl with hot pink tennies! Ill be around somewhere.

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This is to show the size of the gravel…it’s huge!

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Here’s a picture of my ankle. The left side shows it right after I hurt it. The right side is today after my run.

Last minute random thought I had today while running…grasshoppers are jerks. I bet I had 20 of them fly out of the dang grass and tag me. Good thing they weren’t playing freeze tag or I’d be like a ninja with Tourettes! I’m not 100% sure but I still might be it…

It’s been one week

Admit it, you totally were singing the Barenaked Ladies song in your head! LOL! I know I was…I’m such a 90s kid that it’s insane. HAHA! Anyways, I’ll get back to being serious. It’s been one week and 2 days since I hurt my ankle. I’ve been up and down and all around trying to convince myself and others that I can do what I want on it. The truth is…it still hurts. It’s still swollen and there’s still some leftover bruising still hanging around. But today I’m gonna try to run again. It’s Monday and usually on Monday’s I start the day one of the workout for the week I’m on. Technically I should be starting week 7 now but I’m going to start from the beginning. I had worked up to almost running 20 straight minutes so this workout should be a breeze. Today it’s 8 intervals of 60 second running and 90 seconds of walking in the middle (I think, I’m gonna have to look it up to be sure). Seems super easy but we’ll see once I get out there. I have no doubt in my mind that my lungs are conditioned for it but I dont know how this ankle is going to hold up. Usually I run on a gravel road not far from my house but I figured, one wrong step on a big rock and I’ve blown my ankle out again so I decided to run the streets in town today. Tim has to take his pickup in to get worked on anyway so I’ll run while he helps his mom do some things. Today is another first for me, I’m going to be running in cold weather. It’s about 55 right now and wet and cloudy. I’ve never run in weather colder than 65 and I’ve actually run when it was 90 out so this is a big interesting change.

 

Now to talk some numbers. About a week ago on Tuesday (3 days after I hurt my ankle) I weighted like I normally do on my “weigh day”. I had gained .4 lbs since my last weigh in and I bawled my eyes out thinking it was the end of the world because this ankle was going to cause me to gain so much weight, I couldnt run anymore, yaddah yaddah yaddah. After I had my pity party I thought about it and told myself to be reasonable. I wasn’t doing as much activity and my house wasnt stocked as well as usual with healthy things and that I was just going to gain some while I was’t able to run or work out. So I allowed myself 5 lbs to gain while I was out of commission. I decided that I should set a number instead of fretting about it all week and beating myself up for things I coudln’t control. So I weighed this morning and only gained 2.2 lbs! So I weighed in at 239…which is still below 240! I’m actually proud of myself for not going all sorts of crazy and pigging out but at the same time, I’m kinda shocked. It’s crazy that in just a week I could gain 2+ lbs…If you think really hard about it, that means that in 13 weeks I could have gained back all that I lost! Really puts things in perspective when you think about it like that. Makes me all the more conscious of what my body is doing. A body at rest is a bad thing. A body not working to it’s fullest potential is a burden and will become sluggish and overweight. I used to think that there were people out there that were just naturally skinny and they could eat what they wanted and never get fat and never have to workout. There are actually people like that out there but I’m not one of them, nor will I have be or have been.

 

Here’s my reality check for today…I am a 239 lb woman who has lost 26 lbs thus far. I am strong and driven and motivated to continue this journey. It’s probably gonna hurt a little today. My ankle has been throbbing off and on all morning already but I’m going to wrap it up, suck it up and go kick some butt! I know what I want and I know how to get there! I’ve had my pity party all week and now it’s time to pick up the party hats, throw away those saggy balloons and move on with my life. I’m not where I was 7 weeks ago before I started this journey and I’m certainly not going to go back there! I did this, I made these changes, I’m getting better every day. This extra weight I’ve been carrying is a disease and a burden and has been making me sick, emotionally and physically. I wasn’t healthy and happy and driven. I’ve had a small taste of that happiness over the time I worked out and I want it back. I’m going to get there again! Just watch me!

 

 

New perspective

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So these are lyrics to a OneRebublic song that I’ve probably sang a hundred times but never thought about them before. I have this obsession with running and exercising now and it was hard when I started…I mean really hard! I felt like I was dying and yet I was living! It was painful and exhilarating all at the same time. I was sweaty and messy and yet I felt more beautiful than I’d felt in forever.

I’ve been looking at this ankle thing all the wrong way. This obstacle was put in my path to test me. My cousin told me that this is the devil stepping in and trying to rain on my parade. I am going to ease back into running and doing my elliptical. And by getting back at it, I’m going to squash him like a bug! I’m going to come back stronger than ever. And by simply doing it again, I’m going to prove to myself that I’ve got this…it may take longer than I wanted and I may not be quite ready for the 5k in January but there’s always another one out there. There’s always a new day for the sun to shine on my freckled face. God will always be there on my side, rooting me on.

While it felt like this ankle killed me emotionally and spiritually, it really gave me a renewed drive. It only took me a week to call off the pity party. Lol!

Thank you so much Kim! You are a beautiful person and I love you and your uplifting words! That first run will be for you!

I’m stuck…

You’ve heard of writers block…well I have life block. I’m stuck in this life and in this position and I feel ready to talk about it today. I have scoured youtube videos, artist’s blogs, photographer’s blogs, vine videos, Pinterest recipes, music videos…anything and everything. I have watched Ally McBeal until my eyes bugged and I’ve turned on Pandora to the worst rock music you can imagine. I have spent time outside petting kittens and feeding tomatoes to the pig. I want to feel something. I want to be moved, to cry, to laugh to feel…to feel anything at all. I’ve been numb since Saturday…since I blew out my ankle. I had such a drive, such a purpose to keep fighting to lose weight and to keep running. After that happened, I just feel nothing. I’m not even anxious. I am mellow and and worn down. I sleep too many hours and I eat the wrong things and I know I’m headed down a long dark path. I procrastinate worse than usual and I can’t get motivated to finish anything I start. I have sat here for 3 days with pen and paper, and my laptop on my lap trying to get started editing and I just can’t do it. I feel lost and black and bored and un….un….un-creative. (I know that’s not a word but it’s how I feel)

 

I totally get it when writers talk about writers block and when artists get to a point where they cant paint. I cant edit or shoot or get inspired to do anything. I need to learn how to push past this emotional stopping point and move forward and carry on…I just dont know how. I guess admitting it is the first step, right?

 

You’re probably wondering why I’m so raw and open and honest here. I hope that in a year, five years, ten years from now I can look back an remember exactly how I felt on this day. I want to remember exactly how I coped with things and exactly how to avoid it in the future. I am ready to give up but I’m not ready to give up. I dont know when the right time is to jump back in and run and hear the crunching of gravel beneath my feet. Everyone keeps telling me to just start out by walking. Well, I hate that. I feel like a little kid who doesn’t get what she wants. I want to start out at a heart pulsing jog and I want to look up at the clouds again and feel the warmth of the sun. I want to swat the flies from my sweaty shoulders and feel the heat in my thighs. I want to get finished and feel that accomplishment set in as my heart rate slows and I guzzle water. I want that high again…and if I cant have that, I want nothing. I am an all or nothing person and I always have been. So until I feel like I can hit the ground running again, I’m not going to walk. I’m going to stay where I’m at.

 

And when that day comes that I can run again, I will feel whole again. I will feel like that huge empty hole will have been filled. My heart is in the journey…and without the journey, I am not complete.

So it’s not broken…

I went to my family practice doctor Monday and she thought I’d torn some ligaments but wanted to do an x ray to rule out any fractures. So I was all finished there and on my way home and get a call from the nurse that I had a fracture in my navicular bone in the top of my foot near the ankle. And she got me all set up with an ortho doctor yesterday and I was told to use crutches.

Yesterday I went to the ortho doctor and they did 4 more x rays and twisted my foot around and made me hurt. After the x rays the doctor came in and told me that the fracture they saw on the x rays was an old fracture. I was like “What the what?!?”. Lol! I couldn’t remember ever breaking my foot but…um ok. I’ll take that answer. He said that I have a bad sprain and have torn some ligaments. He pushed around on my foot and pinpointed the point where he thinks the injury is and said that if it’s not better in 2 weeks to come back and they’d probably have to do an MRI and look into it further.

Today I’m thanking my stars that the swelling has gone down some but I’m probably in more pain than I’ve been in since it happened. After I left his office yesterday, I was determined to walk on it and not use crutches and be stubborn. Lol! So I ached and throbbed off and on all night last night and I’m still aching today.

Aside from the upset that my running is at a screeching halt, I have been consumed with emotional eating. I haven’t watched my calories and I’ve eaten chicken Alfredo and yesterday I even got a 12 inch chocolate chip birthday cookie with frosting and have been working on it. I knew I would regret it but the cravings took over my brain. It was an awful feeling.

Before I went yesterday, I hobbled upstairs to weigh and I had gained .4 lbs since Friday. I cried and cried and then I cried some more on Tim’s shoulder. It was silly and frustrating and upsetting to think that I couldn’t run and help burn the calories I needed to burn to keep losing. I’m still sitting here frustrated and I’ve been eating myself into misery. I don’t really know how to cope with this feeling of being held back from the things I’ve wanted to do.

I’m scared that I’m going to gain the 30 lbs back that I lost while I just sit around and wait in my ankle to heal. I’m afraid the boredom of sitting around is going to drive me right into some bad bad cravings. I’m worried that I’ll be behind and have to repeat weeks of training and I won’t be ready for the 5K in January. I’m even more worried that my ankle will never be the same and will always cause me pain when I run. I was finally getting to the pain free point when I ran and I was soooooo enjoying it.

It’s taking everything I have today just to stay focused on folding laundry. I have editing to do and so much cleaning to do. I’m so mad that I’m at a stand still but I know God has a lesson in this trial for me. I know this is part of His plan and that I’ll get through it and somehow be better for it. I just need to keep the faith. 😉

Just to give you a visual, here’s my ankle today. Some yucky swelling and bruising.

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Yesterday I called it my elephant leg. It’s not so gigantic today but it’s sure ugly. Lol!

My running career is at a standstill…

Unfortunately I cannot run for a while. Here’s why…

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That ankle is in bad shape. I decided to do the greased pig contest at our county fair yesterday and failed miserably. There is a big pit of water in the center that you have to run through and chase a pig around and put it in a tub in the middle. Unfortunately I didn’t even touch a pig. I made it through the water and up out of the pit and heard a pop sound and a pain shot up my leg and out my toes and I hobbled to the side and out of the pen the best I could without making a scene. That picture is what it looks like today…I’m going to the doctor tomorrow. I pray it’s just a sprain and I’ll be back on the road running in a few weeks but I’m afraid it’s worse. I’ll keep you all posted…I told my friend this morning that the worst thing that could happen is that I’ll have to start my training all over again. She said I have a good attitude. Lol! We’ll see how my attitude is after tomorrow. Lol!