Deep in thought and counting my blessings
I just got back from my workout about 30 minutes ago and thought I’d share some deep thoughts and hopefully some inspiration. To give you a little bigger picture info, I used to crank up Pandora Radio to the Hip Hop workout station and go about my workout with songs like Thrift Shop and some Rhianna and I used to really love that music to get me pumped up during my run. Well, about the time Miley was being disgusting on TV with Robin Thicke and that whole debaucle, I started really listening to the lyrics of the songs I was playing while exercising and in my car and around my kids and I was shocked at the number of songs that only talked about sex! I was appalled that I had let my kids listen to Blurred Lines probably 10 times and thought nothing of the lyrics. It does have a catchy beat and Bowdy loves to sing the “Hey Hey Hey” part, much to Albany’s disapproval. LOL! Anyways, I decided to go through my Pandora stations and pick something else to mix things up a bit. I picked OneRepublic Radio. If you know my taste in music, you know that the latest OneRepublic cd is always in my car radio and I’ve even copied it to have a copy in my kitchen to play when I cook. I have cried for hours listening to those songs and I’ve danced like a fool listening to those songs. No matter the mood I’m in, that CD just fits me.
Back to my story…So I switched it over and that day my workouts went to a totally new level. Where they used to be just a physical workout, now they are a mental workout too. I listen to the lyrics and nearly every song inspires me to be a better person…not just a more fit person…a better, more compassionate, loving human being. And honestly, I just havent been that person enough lately. One of my favorite songs that plays is by OneRepublic called All Fall Down and you can watch a lyric video below.
Aside from the catchy violins and the arrangement that immediately sucks me in because I can feel it in my heart there are these lyrics that hit me hard…
“If ever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
That’s when you find me.”
I think of that part as not talking about another person but the part of myself that sometimes hides behind the insecurities and failures. When I’m about to give in and give up this other “me” steps in and tells me to stop, take a minute, and pull myself together. It’s like my knight in shining armor but it’s myself. Does that make sense? I have a hard time describing how I feel it. LOL!
I am a person that has hidden behind a facade, if you will. I always seemed so put together and happy with myself and my life, and in so many ways, I really was. But since starting this journey six weeks ago, I’ve learned that I really might’ve been happy but I wasn’t coping well with the bad times. I continually told myself that I didnt have an eating problem and that I “wasnt that bad”. Well, wakeup call Kristin…is must’ve been bad if you were 265 lbs! The truth is the truth. I had made excuses for myself and I had blamed my bad genes, my body, having kids, not enough time, blah blah blah…every excuse I could think of. When it comes right down to it, I didnt love myself enough to change and to let that knight in shining armor inside of me come out. I wasnt saving myself. I was building a wall so that no one saw insecurities and shame and misery that I sometimes carried around.
Before this six weeks, I felt like no one was proud of me. I felt like I had failed because I never finished college. I felt like people judged me because I was strict on my kids and a “fun killer”. I felt like I was never enough and that I was unlovely. I felt like I was one step away from a mental case and that depression was just lingering around, waiting to jump on me and suck my pretty smile away and replace it with a frown…dark clouds and all. I felt like I had no purpose anymore since my kids were going to school and I would be left home alone all the time because Tim worked so much. I felt like my heart was going to be ripped out because I wasnt good enough and couldnt have more kids…(there, it’s out there.) I felt so anxious an nervous to talk about that. And in a way, I’m still not quite ready to talk about it but I will someday. I felt like my whole life, I was fat. Even in those high school days , when everyone else was wearing cute clothes on their beautiful bodies, I never embraced mine too. I was a fat girl trapped in a fairly attractive body but never knew it. I hurt and I wept on the inside and didnt know how to handle sadness, betrayal, teenage hormones, loss of friends, and loss of myself. I didnt know who I was or where I belonged in this world. And up until 6 weeks ago, those feelings flooded back. I think I had repressed them and held my head high for so long and lived such a routine life, that I had never had to face them and work on resolving them.
I got married and have every bit of happiness that goes with it. I had 2 beautiful kids and God blessed me with my heart’s desires, a boy and girl. A perfect little family, a wonderful husband, a beautiful house, my fur babies, pretty garage sale finds…I had it all, except a healthy me. I was withering…I was a gray blur that was about turn black. I could feel it coming on. I needed something. Taking photos wasn’t making me happy enough…baking beautiful cookies wasn’t enough…riding along in the truck to check cows on a gorgeous day wasn’t enough… All of the little things that had filled my heart with joy and happiness werent enough. Why? Well, because I realized I had a problem. I hadnt taken care of myself and I was failing, physically and mentally. I realized I was almost 30 and almost 100 lbs overweight and starting to feel unpretty again. Just like I had in high school when life kind of spun out of control. What’s the differnence between now and then, you ask? I am different. I am in conrol of myself. I have faith in God and He takes care of me…every.single.day.
This battle that I’m fighting is all inside myself. No one can fight it for me, no one can help me. I can only help myself. While I hear so many people say how hard this is to lose weight and exercise, I dont think it’s hard at all. I push myself and sometimes my feet ache and my side gets the stabbing pain and I puke on the side of the road, but I dont give up. Someone is there, blessing me every step and every mile and every pound lost. God and me…the knight in shining armor “me”.
Today I had a hard hot workout and I puked on the side of the road. I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel but I had started feeling those twinges that made me want to walk instead of run and this song came on.
I truly believe God is here with me. He put this song on just when I needed it. It’s no accident. It’s no miracle that I’ve lost 26 lbs this far. It’s no miracle that I can run for a solid 8 minutes now then turn around and do it again for a total of 16 minutes this morning. It’s no miracle that I can say no after one mellowcreme pumpkin or chocolate chip cookie. God is giving me the tools I need to save myself. I just have to let go of the sadness and frustration, just like the song says.
This song is me. This song is perfect in every way and I will make it my anthem. I will do this because I know I can…and when I reach my goals and get to the point I want to be with my body, I’ll wear that armor every day. I will have saved myself.