You’ve heard of writers block…well I have life block. I’m stuck in this life and in this position and I feel ready to talk about it today. I have scoured youtube videos, artist’s blogs, photographer’s blogs, vine videos, Pinterest recipes, music videos…anything and everything. I have watched Ally McBeal until my eyes bugged and I’ve turned on Pandora to the worst rock music you can imagine. I have spent time outside petting kittens and feeding tomatoes to the pig. I want to feel something. I want to be moved, to cry, to laugh to feel…to feel anything at all. I’ve been numb since Saturday…since I blew out my ankle. I had such a drive, such a purpose to keep fighting to lose weight and to keep running. After that happened, I just feel nothing. I’m not even anxious. I am mellow and and worn down. I sleep too many hours and I eat the wrong things and I know I’m headed down a long dark path. I procrastinate worse than usual and I can’t get motivated to finish anything I start. I have sat here for 3 days with pen and paper, and my laptop on my lap trying to get started editing and I just can’t do it. I feel lost and black and bored and un….un….un-creative. (I know that’s not a word but it’s how I feel)
I totally get it when writers talk about writers block and when artists get to a point where they cant paint. I cant edit or shoot or get inspired to do anything. I need to learn how to push past this emotional stopping point and move forward and carry on…I just dont know how. I guess admitting it is the first step, right?
You’re probably wondering why I’m so raw and open and honest here. I hope that in a year, five years, ten years from now I can look back an remember exactly how I felt on this day. I want to remember exactly how I coped with things and exactly how to avoid it in the future. I am ready to give up but I’m not ready to give up. I dont know when the right time is to jump back in and run and hear the crunching of gravel beneath my feet. Everyone keeps telling me to just start out by walking. Well, I hate that. I feel like a little kid who doesn’t get what she wants. I want to start out at a heart pulsing jog and I want to look up at the clouds again and feel the warmth of the sun. I want to swat the flies from my sweaty shoulders and feel the heat in my thighs. I want to get finished and feel that accomplishment set in as my heart rate slows and I guzzle water. I want that high again…and if I cant have that, I want nothing. I am an all or nothing person and I always have been. So until I feel like I can hit the ground running again, I’m not going to walk. I’m going to stay where I’m at.
And when that day comes that I can run again, I will feel whole again. I will feel like that huge empty hole will have been filled. My heart is in the journey…and without the journey, I am not complete.