The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Month: October, 2013

I’m feeling kinda icky…

So tonight I was craving a root beer and decided to stop on my way home and get one. I had full intentions of drinking a little and giving the rest to the kids…that didn’t happen. I called Tim on my way home from my engagement session and he asked me to pick up pizza on my way home. I ordered two large Godfather’s pizzas, one taco and one meat lovers. We had company and it sounded like a great idea. Boy was I wrong!

I ate 1.5 pieces of the taco pizza that was loaded with onion and ended up drinking the whole dang root beer. I learned a hard lesson tonight. You eat crappy = feeling crappy. I went up to do my workout on the elliptical and felt awful! My side was hurting halfway through and my time was awful. I still feel a little bit of heartburn. I will never do that again! I had salad in the fridge, I should’ve eaten that and I wouldn’t be feeling so sick right now. I should’ve just drank water and I wouldn’t be wide awake right now when it’s bedtime.

I’m so thankful that I finished my workout but I still feel yucky. Tomorrow is a new day and I’m going to remember this awful feeling the next time I’m sucked in by the glorious smell of fresh pizza in my car.

Cheers for small victories!

Yesterday I thought I had a bad day but then I took a few steps back and realized I had a few bad things happen in an otherwise great day. It started with a conversation with my dad that ended with be in tears and really upset. Because of that convo, I was running late to an afternoon jam packed with photo shoots. So I headed to town and was speeding. I got pulled over just a few miles from home and was issued a hefty ticket. Several leads were learned and I counted my blessings after that.

Today was a new day and I could really use some happy energy. I was at the dentist getting my teeth cleaned and it dawned on me that after my last weigh in at 225 that I’m only 5 lbs away from the weight listed on my drivers license (which I probably wouldn’t have noticed if I hadn’t gotten pulled over yesterday). The weight listed on that license is what I weighed when I got married 10 years ago! I’m soooooo excited about that! Seems silly but it’s another small goal to work towards! I would love to get back in my wedding dress and I think it won’t be long!

Another small victory today…I went jeans shopping because I was down to my last pair that fit and it was quite saggy in the butt. Lol! I had been wearing 22s it 24s before I started losing weight. Today I had full intentions of buying 20s. So I tried on a few pairs and they were loose but wearable. I had to slow down and have a little chat with myself in the fitting room. I didn’t want to buy a few new pairs of jeans and drop a bunch of money and just turn around on a few months and them be too big again. So I got brave and decided to get 18s. Long story short, they didn’t have any 18s in the style that I wanted but the super sweet sales girl talked me into a pair of 16s…aaaand THEY FIT! They were snug and I was a little worried but ecstatic because they buttoned and I didn’t look too bad in them. Actually they made my butt look great! Lol! I really hated putting my baggy ones back on for the rest of the day. I needed that little boost today.

It’s nice to have small victories like that sometimes.

I’m having a 40 lb party…with myself.

Today is the day I weighed and have officially lost 40 lbs exactly! So I decided to celebrate in style. The kids were going to spend the night with my parents today so I’m all alone, and that’s fine by me. I found plenty of things to do. First off I went to the school track.

 

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I have always wanted to run a mile on that new all weather track so today, I did it! I’m pretty sure a 14 minute mile is slower than a herd of turtles trudging through peanut butter but I’m still proud. I lapped everyone on the couch 6 times (counting warm up and cool down laps)!!! I have not ran on that track since high school and it felt great. It was a crisp cool sunny day but it was perfect!

 

Since I’m a goofball and like to take victory pictures after my hard work, here I am! I’m sooo proud of myself. 🙂

 

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I’ll have to post a picture of me later in non workout clothes…I might even do a before and after. So after I got home, I took some pictures of Albany’s kittens to try to find a home for, then I took the dog for an extra long walk, went out and shot the pistol for some target practice, and then I fixed myself a nice salad with real ranch dressing and croutons, and drank a liter of water. It’s funny now to think that I used to reward myself with cookies and chocolate and now my reward is a mile run and salad with ranch dressing instead of fat free or vinagrette. LOL! I have made so many changes and I can honestly say that I feel so much better than I did.

About a week ago, I had my annual well-woman exam and bloodwoork. I’m still waiting to hear the results but I am sure they’re better than they were a year ago. A HUGE change that has happened is that my blood pressure has actually lowered since getting in shape and losing weight. I used to have blood pressure around 125/85 or so and I have had several checks at random points in the day and it’s been running 105/60 or right around there. It’s crazy! My BP was never truly high but it’s amazing how drastically it has changed. I’m so anxious to get the results from my bloodwork.

Along with the victories I’ve had lately, there’t been some things that still taunt me. I have yet to buy myself new clothes. I am still wearing my size 20 jeans and my size 2X shirts. I am kinda disappointed that I’m not in smaller sizes yet but honestly, I havent tried anything on to see what fits and what doesnt so that may be a hidden victory that hasnt emerged yet. Who knows. I must’ve been wearing clothes that were too tight for so long! It’s almost embarrassing to think about it.

Better log off, I have a card playing party to get ready for. I’m baking cookies and I have vowed to myself to stay out of them. Ok…ok…I take it back. I purposely worked extra hard today at my workout so I could have a few cookies. 😉 You really shouldnt deny yourself those little treats. You just have to learn to work for them. Nothing on this journey is gained without earning it.

 

 

 

It’s a beautiful day!

First of all I want you to listen to this awesome song…it inspired me today.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgZ0X6tWWNw

 

Here’s the lyrics:

“Love Me”

I lost myself in fear of losing you I wish I didn’t do But I did I lost my own, my own identity Forgot that you picked me for me
But now, I don’t negotiate with the insecurities They always seem to get the best of me I found the head to love myself, the way I want you to
Love me, no more second guessing No, there’s no more questioning I’ll be the one to find who I’m gonna be No concealing feelings, or changing seasonly I’m gonna love myself, the way I want you to love me
Sometimes I wish my skin was a costume That I could just unzip, and strip But who I am is who I’m meant to be And it’s who you are in love, in love with So now, I don’t negotiate with the insecurities It gonna have to take a back seat I know I have to love myself, the way I want you to
Love me, no more second guessing No, there’s no more questioning I’ll be the one to find who I’m gonna be No concealing feelings, or changing seasonly I’m gonna love myself, the way I want you to love me
No more standing in my own way Let’s get deeper, let’s get closer No more standing in my own way (I want you to love me) No more standing in my own way (I want you to love me)
No more second guessing No, there’s no more questioning I’ll be the one to find who I’m gonna be No concealing my feelings, or changing seasonly I’m gonna love myself, the way I want you to love me
No more second guessing No, there’s no more questioning I’ll be the one to find who I’m gonna be No concealing feelings, or changing seasonly I’m gonna love myself, the way I want you to love me
If you’ve been following my blog lately, you already know that I’ve been struggling lately with a lot of different demons. The first and most obvious one was my ankle. I am now about 7 weeks from the official “blow out”. I have been seeing an orthopedic doctor and physical therapist to treat a completely torn tendon, a bone contusion and a parallel ligament tear. It’s been painful and frustrating and has slowed me down sooooo much more than I wanted to be. I have tried my best to look at it as a blessing and a message from God that I needed to slow down. It was also a huge slap in the face that told me that I’m not in control…the big man upstairs is.
Here’s me before my run. All smiles and ready for the next part of my journey.
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I got the doctors ok on Tuesday that I could start running next week but since I’ve been feeling really cooped up lately, I decided to think about running again. I bought some new warmer pants (that dang near fell off my butt today but that’s a whole other story. LOL). I downloaded the new Katy Perry and Imagine Dragons albums on my little ipod shuffle, scoped out a good visible, flat location to run on near my house. I drove the mile or so there and parked my car. As I got out, I thought to myself that it would be a pretty place to run because there’s usually deer there and it would be cool to see some today. I even kinda talked to God about it and as silly as it sounds, I was like “God, sometimes I just need to see a sign that you’re here and that I’m ok.” I prayed that my ankle wouldnt hurt and that I would be strong and brave and that I would feel the sun on my face. I did my 5 minute warm up walk, stretched on the bridge (that had ice on it!) and took off. After the first few steps, a few awesome songs came on and I realized how awesome it all felt. The pavement under my feet was perfectly flat. My shoes were tied just right. My pants were falling down and that distracted me for a bit but then I just held them up the best I could and ignored it. I set a teensy goal to run from point A to a sign or whatever. I made it and was doing pretty good so I told myself to do 10 more steps and then 10 more…before I knew it, I had gone a half mile of straight running! I was pretty impressed with myself. I took a break and walked some and then continued on running. I turned around at some point and walked a little. If was to guess, I’d say I ran at least 65% of the mile and a half today! That’s pretty awesome considering I’ve only been doing the elliptical lately.
Here’s me when I was almost to my car…

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Here’s the next crazy part…I looked up when I was a little bit closer and this is what I see…If you look super close, there’s a buck.

 

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It might sound crazy to a non-believer but I know that buck was God showing himself to me. He was proud of me and that was His way of showing me. It was so amazing….right after I snapped a few pictures and just stood there in awe, that Katy Perry song came on. It fit the moment so perfectly. I could go on and on interpreting how the lyrics fit into my life but instead I’ll show you a picture of myself…

 

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If you know me, you know I dont cry around people so this shows an extremely vulnerable side of myself. I’ll tell you the honest truth…I stopped right where I was on that road, knelt and wept. God has been so good to me! He has blessed me every single step of this journey. This is my battle but He is my leader. I always thought I was doing this alone, that I was going to have to work for it but with God on my side, I cant lose. Have a blessed day everyone. 🙂

Romans 8:31

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

 

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Shameless selfie Sunday!

So it’s been a very long time since I felt confident in front of the camera. I mean…maybe senior year…um 11+ years ago. Lol! I’m still not the most comfortable I’ve ever been but tonight I was feeling pretty great about my hair so I decided to take a selfie. The first 3 tries were awful and my smile was awkward then I decided to set the timer on my camera and try that and viola! Here I am in all my evening/tired eyes/nerdy glasses librarian glory!

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So I thought maybe I’d use some fancy effects on an app on my phone, played around a bit and decided I was just going to post the raw unedited picture because that’s most believable. After looking at that shameless selfie for a while, I decided maybe now I could pull of the sexy duckface that all the young girls are doing….

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Yep…nailed it. Bahahahaha! I think I’ll watch some Hart of Dixie on Netflix and turn in for the night…I’m a little delirious. Good night fans and friends. 🙂

I’m brave, and I’m strong, and I’m kicking this thing’s a!

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I’ve been sporting this thing for over 2 weeks now and I’ve let it be my burden and my un-overcomeable (if that’s a word!) obstacle. I’ve made excuses because of it and I’ve complained about the pain…NO MORE! I’m going to shout it from the rooftops…I will not let this or any other obstacle make me feel like I cannot succeed! I may have fallen down and made bad eating  choices lately but tomorrow is another fresh start. I’m proud to say that I’ve done a mile on the elliptical for 3 nights in a row now! And each time has beat my previous times. I used to set a goal to get a mile in in under 12 minutes and when I finally got done around 10:20, I was feeling great. Tonight I killed it at 9:44! My side was aching and my legs were tight but I kept chanting “I’m brave, I’m strong, and I’m kicking this thing’s ass!” And I was! Sometimes you’re your own worst critic but sometimes you’re your own biggest fan. Tonight I was my fan! Tonight I won the battle of mind over matter and as long as I win more than I lose, I’m on the right track! 50 lbs is just a few short weeks away and I’m ready for it! I’m desperately needing new underwear! My pants Annas my underwear were both falling down the whole workout tonight. Guess I’ll take the bad with the good! Be brave, be strong, and kick some ass!

A little discouragement

I’m not going to lie, this past week has been a killer on my nerves and emotions. I’ve been down more than up and have had trials I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about yet. I guess I’m posting today to keep holding myself accountable. I got on the scale today feeling pretty good about things to find a gain of 3.7 lbs! I was immediately in “optimist mode” and told myself that it wasn’t bad at all because I weigh 228 and that’s still an overall loss of 37 lbs, which is a really big deal but….and there’s always a but. I reverted back to my old coping mechanisms again. I turned to comfort food this weekend after another awful squabble with my mother. I turned to comfort food yesterday after the dog peed on the floor and made Tim furious and I didn’t react well. I turned to comfort beverages (sweet tea) at my great aunts funeral dinner Saturday. I turned to a comfort breakfast the other day after a hard morning getting the kids ready. I had excuse after excuse and I talked myself into every single bad eating choice.

I know I’m not alone in this because I follow several inspiring women on Facebook that have traveled this journey too and lost alot of weight but it’s comforting to know they still have hard days and weeks too. It seems like they’ve all been posting their struggles and I’m glad to see that real side of them too.

As for myself, today is a new day and so far, I haven’t screwed anything up yet. I’ve had a protein shake for breakfast and a big glass of water and I plan to take a good walk later after physical therapy and work through these anxieties the best I can. Here’s a letter I wrote to myself this morning when I needed a little extra pep talk:

Dear Kristin,

I know you’re struggling right now. I want you to know that it’s ok to feel that way. It’s ok to feel anxious, confused, defeated, and sad. It’s also ok to reach out for help and admit when you need it. It’s ok to rely of your husband and best friend for advice because, after all, they’re the only close people in your life who have never let you down. You are beautiful and kind and important and you make a difference in people’s lives in so many ways. You are blessed with an amazing trait of self control and you will do great things with it. If you had a super power, that would be it. So put on your Spandex suit and cape and go about your life. Take every new sunrise as a fresh start and thank God daily for your many blessings. You deserve happiness and peace.

Sincerely,
Yourself

I see a bone!

While that phrase might be a little scary in some situations, I’m ecstatic! Today I was snuggled up in the chair and itched my ankle and felt my ankle bone. I looked down and sure enough, my bone was actually showing! The swelling has finally gone down! Here’s proof:

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The left picture is today and the right picture was 4 and half weeks ago after my injury. It’s amazing how God heals our bodies!

I got an MRI the other day and saw my orthopedic doctor and finally got some answers. I have a complete tear in the tendon on the outside of my ankle, a parallel tear in the ligament on the inside of my ankle and a serious bone contusion (which he described as swelling inside the bone). I have a new brace to wear and I will start physical therapy tomorrow morning. I go back to my doctor in 2 weeks to see how I’m doing. He says I won’t be back to running for a long time but I can still walk and use the elliptical. I’m so glad for no surgery and now I can move forward!

A little small scale victory…I saw the numbers 2-2-7 this week! I’m not gonna lie, I weighed on Friday and that’s what it said then weighed Tuesday after eating out at a steakhouse and bingeing on carbs. Tuesday the scale said 231 but hey, I’ll take it! It’s still almost 2 lbs lost in the past week! The past 2 days I’ve really stuck with my diet. I’ve been so leery to start back on the elliptical because I’m afraid it’ll hurt my ankle. I need to just stop making excuses and hop back on it. Who cares if I can only do a mile in 10 minutes on it. Some is better than none, right? I’ll do it! I may have to adjust when I do it though. I used to get on right after I tucked the kids into bed but that seems like the part of the day that my ankle hurts the worst so maybe I’ll start doing it in the afternoon before the kids get home from school.

I’ll get it all figured out. Here’s one last thought for everyone this fine Thursday morning…

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This post is totally going to sound like bragging

So I’m not trying to brag but I’ve honestly never had this problem. I’ve never ever had to get rid of clothes because they were too big. Today I put on 3 pairs of jeans before I went to the game and every pair was too big. Then I put on my wedding ring and it was at least a whole size too big, if not bigger. It spins around and around on my finger and makes me crazy. So I’m in a pickle..do I buy new jeans even though I’m intending to lose at least another 20 lbs? Or do I just cinch up a belt and have a saggy looking butt for a while longer? When is the right time to get my ring sized? I’ve had it enlarged at least twice and I hate to keep altering the metal. But I also hate not wearing it. It’s the only ring I wear. I asked Tim tonight if he’d buy me a fake one to wear for a while until I meet my goal weight and keep it off for a while. I’m pretty sure he thinks it’s a waste of money. My underwear are even falling off my rear! Lol! I’m going to make that my reward though when I lose 13 more lbs. I will be treating myself to new pretty undies. I’ve never had pretty or fancy ones. I’ve always just been practical. Seems like a silly reward but whatever floats my boat. Lol! Gotta tuck critters in bed. Ttfn!