The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Month: November, 2013

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  Omigosh! That picture in insane! I am getting a new phone tomorrow and I thought it was fitting to post this picture before I lost all my old pics. It’s been 4 months, a total of 18 weeks and I’m down 46 lbs! I’m soooo proud of the hard work I’ve put in and […]

Confession time

I feel like I need to get this out there. Yesterday I ate a cupcake…I know I know, it’s not the end of the world but they’re my ultimate weakness and I baked some and ate it. Yesterday wasn’t a very good eating day all around really. I’ll admit, I’m not feeling the greatest lately. I’m trying really hard to listen to my body but I feel like I’m starting to be borderline anorexic…as crazy as that sounds. We’re on a tight budget and I haven’t been to a store to spend frivolously on groceries lately so I’ve been having “make due” meals for my family and I know the foods I’ve been making haven’t been especially healthy meals so I’ve been opting out of them or not eating much. Here’s my food diary entry from yesterday as an example:

10:30 am
2 over easy eggs
1 piece of buttered toast
1 frozen hashbrown (fried)
Glass of water
Spark drink

6:00 pm
1 hot dog
1 tablespoon shells and cheese
2 big spoonfuls of corn
1 corn muffin
Glass of water
Cupcake

Then I worked out on the elliptical around 8:30 and felt super shaky…my hands were shaking, my knees were wobbly, and I didn’t think straight enough to read the descriptions of the shows on Netflix. It was a scary feeling and I’m still not sure what caused it. So then I ate a piece of super thin crust cold pineapple and ham pizza that was leftover from yesterday, a cold hot dog, and fixed a big bowl of cake and a huge heap of ice cream. Then my conscience kicked in and I started feeling better about 3 bites into the cake and ice cream and face the rest to Tim.

Here’s my theory on my strange body feelings that I’ve observed the past few days…I’m not getting enough of something. I think my blood sugar has extreme highs and lows and my blood pressure has been crazy low lately and I have a feeling I’m deficient in some vitamins…possibly B12. So to remedy those problems I’m going to start taking a multivitamin and actually go to the dang grocery store and get “good stuff” and stop meddling around the kitchen with thrown together meals that don’t make me feel good. If I’m not feeling good after I eat, I’m sure my kids aren’t either. The old saying “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” is soooooo true!

I’m gonna do this, I’m not going to let one cupcake ruin my life! Think, plan, act, reap the rewards! That’s all there is to it!

Body image

So this post is going to be incredibly raw and candid so please don’t judge me. I’m not fishing for compliments either so don’t give me sympathy ones. Lol! I’m struggling with body image big time lately. And not in the “oh I’m so fat, I can’t stand my butt” kind of way. Let me try to explain it better…I am frustrated that I’ve lost 45 lbs and I’m still wearing alot of the same clothes I was wearing before I lost the weight. I guess I just expected to drop to a size 10 or something by this point. Unfortunately that’s not gonna happen that quickly and I need to keep telling myself to be patient. I read on the blog Runs for Cookies that she said she noticed the sizes dropping quicker as she got closer to her goal weight. I’m still 20 lbs from my first big goal so I could potentially have months before the sizes start dropping quicker.

Another thing I’m unsure about is why people stare at me. I know that sounds crazy but I went in Subway the other day and there was a table full of hunters and a guy I went to high school with and their heads all turned to look at me when I walked in the door and the guy from hs was even a little bit chatty. It was so strange for people to notice me…our maybe it was that I haven’t paid attention to that before or maybe it was a lot of things. I went home and I said to Tim “I know you’re supposed to tell me I’m pretty but…am I really pretty? Like head turning pretty?” His response…”Do you think I would’ve married ya if you weren’t?” You have to know him to get a kick out of it but I thought it was too funny. Clearly I shouldn’t have asked him for an unbiased opinion when he is clearly so biased. Haha!

Maybe this is something new, maybe I am truly pretty and never felt it before. Maybe I’m feeling more confident and wearing that confidence well or maybe I’m imagining it. Who knows…I know it’s weird.

On a completely different topic I noticed my feet have been getting smaller and my boots don’t fit right anymore so I searched my phone for a picture of my feet to see if I could do a comparison shot. I know…it’s weird to have pictures of your feet on your phone but after I hurt my ankle that was the only way for me to see of the swelling had gone down. Lol! Anyways, here’s my comparison shot…the top photo is from 2 months ago and the bottom was yesterday.

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Unfortunately that picture didn’t show my much higher…I couldn’t fit it all in but I made another one. Look at how much more toned my ankles leading up to my calves are! It’s amazing!

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Thanks for reading my random ramblings and hopefully my vibes will inspire you too. 🙂

I really wanted a donut…or a whole cake

But I settled for this instead. I’m pretty sure my body will thank me later…

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That was for YOU!

Tonight I had a change of plans and ended up with some free time from 5-7 while my kids were at a birthday party. I decided to drive home, let the dogs out of their crates and then come back to town and run at the school on the lit all weather track. It was a beautiful brisk night and the moon was lit pretty bright but there were loads of clouds…I really wish I would’ve gotten a picture. It was simply stunning! Anyways, I started running and was 2 laps in and I noticed someone come up behind me and passed me while I was walking the last 50 yards or so of my 2nd lap. I decided to kick back in and run some more while she was still ahead of me. It was so cool because even though, I walked a little the gap between us didnt really get any bigger. Then on my 3rd lap another lady started running ahead of me and I almost caught her right before I finished and walked my cool down! These were skinny chicks too! I was so proud of myself! I bet I outweighed them by 75-100 lbs! Just goes to show that if you put in the effort, you’ll reap the rewards.

 

After that, I went to pick up my kids from the party and while there another mom/grandma said “Come over here and let me see you skinny Minnie”. As I walked over there she then said “You had lap band right?”….talk about feeling awkward and deflated. I just didnt quite know how to respond. I’m sure my face gave it all away. LOL! I just said, “Nope, I’ve just been working hard by running and eating right…actually I was just running at the school tonight and kept up with 2 skinny gals so I must be doing something right!”

Isn’t it sad that there are people out there that dont think you can lose the weight without some help? It’s so incredibly sad that overall, as a whole our nation is the generation of “the quick fix” and needing help for everything. Why cant we just be self sufficient and trust our minds? It’s sad but if I want to know how to do something, I turn to Google. I look it up, evaluate whether or not I have the tools or skills to do it and go from there. I did that with crocheting and with baking cupcakes. No one helped me or did it for me. I did it myself.

That run was so empowering tonight in so many ways. Before I ran, I gave myself a little pep talk (like I usually do) and then I stretched. While I was doing my warm up lap, some awesome music pumped in and I was ready. As I was kicking in to run, I felt light as a bird and I was soaring. I was accomplishing what I thought was impossible just months ago. As I was lacing up my ankle brace, I thought about how many people thought I couldnt do this or still think I cant. I thought about all the negativity I have overcome in my life. I thought about the hurt, the healing, the wind that was knocked out of my sails at times and I thought of every damn chocolate chip cookie that I let take over. It got me to thinking how different I am from all that…I’m no longer hurting, I’m healing. My body is repairing itself after a decade of torture.

 

That run was for the girl who had a hard time fitting in at college because her clothes were getting tighter. That was for the girl who started avoiding cameras because she couldnt stand her neck in pictures. That was for the girl that was scared to death before her first flight that the seatbelt wouldnt fit and she would be crowding the stranger next to her. That was for the girl afraid to sit in a folding chair for fear of it splaying out. That was for the girl who would carry 4 cookies into the living room and refuse to share them even though there were 4 more in her pockets. That was for the girl who never felt truly pretty…ever. That was for the girl that used to bake on sad days just to feel the warmth of the oven on her face. That was for the girl that fought depression and suicidal thoughts after feeling like she’s lost all control of her life but was just plagued by raging hormones running through her body from being overweight and overwhelmed. That run was for every single moment she thought “I cant”. That run was the exact opposite of the cants…that run proved that she can and she did.

 

I am taking control and I will no longer be overcome by these obstacles. I am living my life in the right direction and I am winning…every.single.day I win a little more.

It’s Tuesday and you know what that means…

It’s weigh day! And today I’m extremely happy! I’m not going to post a real post because I’m at the orthodontist with my friend and she’s about done and my phone is about to die. Lol!

Anyway, I lost 1.3 lbs today and my BMI is down to 37.1! I can remember when it was 39+ and felt like it was a long ways to go and that I’d never get there but I’m getting there…little by little. I weighed in at 222 today and I could not be happier! Even with a little pity party in the way this past week and I still lost! Here’s to keeping on keeping on!

Pity Party

So I had my own little pity party all weekend and even posted about my sadness and anxiety over my sick doggie and felt like a real loser…not a weight loss loser. I hated that part of me that was defeated so easily. I know that I reverted back to my old state of mind where I would eat to put a bandaid on whatever emotions were bothering me. I feel like I’ve done waaay worse about my eating in the past before I started this journey. Trust me, this weekend was nothing compared to the “old days”. I didnt get on the elliptical at all for several days and last night I hit it hard. I’ve worked up to 1.65 miles in 17 minutes and I burned 242 calories (equivalent that Starbucks vanilla iced coffee I downed yesterday). Tim’s cousin, Kim, has played a huge huge role in this journey of mine and she follows my blog and weekly, if not daily, sends me words of encouragement. She’s been in my shoes and she’s winning too. Yesterday she asked me how I was…it was soooo awesome for someone to ask that and actually care. After I told her the truth that I was getting along kinda rough, I asked her how she got out of the funk when it hit and she said to give it a time limit. She said she had seen a video that talked about it. I’ll share it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeyAocBv8Uw&feature=youtube_gdata_player. It was so cool to hear it like that. I really made me think about pity parties and I had a little sit down with myself and decided that I was a 2 day pity partier. I’m going to just “get by” during those 2 days and not allow myself to get down to the bottom of the well. I may sink a little and tread water but I will not be defeated by my mind during those 2 days. If I have to get it tattooed on my body somewhere to remind me, I will. LOL! But no more pity party for a lifetime. If you think about it, I could allow myself one pity party a month…that’s 24 days out of the year to spend feeling sorry for myself and downright awful and yet I would still win this battle 341 days out of a year…that is 93% of greatness! I can certainly tell you that that is a pretty awesome thing to live my life 93% of the time in sheer joy and success and happiness at the direction things are going. Folks, I can honestly say that before this journey, I was probably living my life halfway…somewhere around 45-50% of happy…maybe even less. Even if I dont lose these last 24 lbs by the end of this year, I will still be a happy person who is working my butt off and reaping the rewards. Even if I cant fit comfortably in those size 16 jeans by Thanksgiving, I’ll still be a happy person because I dont stand around the desserts table at the family feast. Even if I dont run a 12 minute mile by Christmas, I’ll still be happy with myself because I did the elliptical 5 out of 7 days each week leading up to it. I’m trying, I’m doing, and I’m succeeding. That’s all there is to it. Nike created one of the absolute best slogans I’ve ever heard and still to this date is the best “Just do it!”

Thank the Lord tomorrow is a new day…

Thank the Lord tomorrow is a new day because I’m soooooo over this one. I always have high hopes of Saturday being a glorious day for me and the kids…WRONG! Something always happens that puts me in a foul mood or plans don’t work or I realize we don’t have the money to make a last minute frivolous trip to Goodwill and McDonalds (seriously, how terrible is that!).

Today my dog is really sick. It started 2 days ago when she started coughing up blood and I rushed get to the vet. His thoughts were that she had something caught in her throat and it had cut it and made it bleed. He gave her some shots and sent us home. Yesterday, she was a little better and the coughing was getting less and less. Today she is so not herself. She’s panting and has been wandering the house with her head and tail down. She won’t sit still unless I put her in her crate but even then, she’s not comfortable and moves around alot. I, like any 20 something person does nowadays, went to the internet in search of answers and the first thing that pops up is heartworms. I read all there was out there and it’s a horrible parasite that usually ends in a slow and painful death for the dog, even with treatment, they can still die. I’m just beside myself thinking that my beautiful young red Australian shepherd could die our that I would have to make a decision about her life. I’ve watched her all day and cried in get coat as she leaned against me for support. I have prayed every chance I get for her to get better. It’s such a terrible feeling to not be able to do anything for her right now. Monday I’m going to take her to the vet and hopefully we’ll get good news and hopefully she’ll get a little better tonight. I don’t know if I can watch this another day…

I’m feeling so sad and so down and Tim is at work and I don’t feel like he’s able to give me any support right now. I fought the urge to bake all day today. That’s usually what I do on sad Saturdays. I made alot of bad choices today with my diet and exercise but I didn’t bake so that’s one battle won. I can only be mad at myself Tuesday if the scales aren’t in my favor.

I could probably sit here and list every single thing that went wrong in my day but it wouldn’t get me anywhere.

If you’re reading this, please say a prayer that Ruby gets to feeling better and I get good news at the vet Monday. I want to see the sparkle back in Ruby’s eyes…

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Rock bottom

So a friend of mine added me to a group on Facebook about making healthy life changes and today she shared a little bit about her struggle to get heathy. She asked what our “rock bottom” points were and I’ve thought and thought about it today and honestly, this is that moment…

For years I have been overweight…probably 10-12 years now. Alot of my negative feelings about being overweight have to do with my fear of developing a mental illness. I am really not sure if they’re closely related or not but there’s a stigma in my brain that links a healthy body to a healthy mind. Anyway, one of the moments that really sticks out to me was one day when I was having a horrible day. I had fought with Tim and I had talked myself in circles and I could really start to tell that I was being unreasonable and irrational and it seemed like once he pointed out something I had done wrong or something he didn’t like that I had done, I felt like the world was crashing down on me. It was an awful feeling and everything seemed to make it worse. I finally told him I was overwhelmed and confused and I needed a break and was going to just take a shower. While I was in the shower it dawned on me how often I seemed to have moments like that where I just couldn’t function and I just shut down. Well, one thought lead to another and it was just a chain reaction of thoughts and my final thought before getting out of the shower was that I’m not a mental case but I have some serious hormonal issues going and my hormones are all out of whack because I’m fat. And in that moment, every cupcake, every moment leading up to a comfort food meal, every Dr. Pepper and sweet tea just flashed before my eyes and felt like I was slowly killing myself. Instead of the food making me feel good when I prepared it and ate it, it was making me sick. And not in a disease/cover your body with oozing sores kind of sick. This sickness was eating away at my brain and nervous system. It was controlling me and devouring my true happiness one bite at a time.

When I really saw that big picture in my head, I wept. I stood there, soap in hand, forehead against the shower and sobbed. The realization that there was really something wrong had sunk in. I’m a very forward, kind of way ahead of the game thinker so I immediately thought “Ok Kristin, you know what’s wrong. Now what are you willing to do to get better?” My answer was “Whatever it takes.”

You see, I am not a mental case…I don’t need medication or cupcakes. I needed to be strong and take better care of myself and be honest with myself. At that moment, I decided I was going to eat healthier and run and lose weight and stop taking birth control and putting things into my body that weren’t good for it. The reason I say birth control is because it is soooooo full of manmade hormones and can really wreak havoc on your emotional wellbeing. I wanted a clean slate. And that’s what I created for myself. And because of that awful, humiliating, frustrated, and sad moment that’s why I’m here today 40 lbs lighter and so much happier. I can honestly say that since I have changed my lifestyle, I have not had a single moment where my head wasn’t square on my shoulders or that I felt unreasonable and out if control. Where before, I had those whirling tornado episodes at least once a month and sometimes even more often than that. I’m feeling better and it can only get better every day and I’m looking forward to my life at it’s greatest!

Today felt like a fresh start

I started typing this last night around midnight and decided to finish it today. I just got too tired and lost my train of thought. Lol!

This morning I started the Couch to 5K program again…with a partner, my partner. My husband, Tim decided to join me and he admitted that he probably wouldn’t have done it without me so I’ve converted one person on this earth! Woo hoo! I’ll admit, it’s super hard to flush those negative thoughts out of your head when you run with another person. I was constantly thinking my legs weren’t long enough or I was too slow or I was breathing too heavy. Lol! It almost made me grumpy but I just had to keep telling myself that I’m better now than I was when I first started and it’s pretty awesome that a 224 lb woman is actually running. I’ve seen skinny women that can’t run. I will just have to keep thinking positive thoughts and I’ll eventually be more comfortable running with someone else. After all, I’m eventually going to be running a race with other people that are faster, slimmer, prettier, etc.

Guess that’s just one more obstacle I’ll learn to overcome and that’ll just make me that much stronger in the end. I can’t compare myself to anyone else. I can just think of how much better I am now than I was when I started.

Another thing I’ve been struggling with is for about 3 weeks now, I weigh and I’m jumping between losing and gaining .4 of a pound. It’s making me crazy! Up until now, I’ve pretty well seen a steady decrease in my weight and I’m not seeing it as fast I guess. Hopefully after running this week and really trying to watch my eating, I’ll kick it into gear and next weigh in will be better.

I’ve been following two ladies on Facebook lately. One page is called Finally Alive After 25 and the other one is called something after 30 (I can’t remember it, I’ll have to look it up). Anyways these girls have a goal weight in mind they want to be before the end of the year is over and they wrote it on their wrist to remind them all the time what their working towards. I think I’ll do that too! I’m going to write 200 on my wrist and keep it there until new years! I don’t know if I can make it or not but I’m going to give it my best shot! They’re calling it Operation Get Hot 2014! Lol! Cracks me up!

I feel like this post is a jumble of thoughts but I thought I’d share some positives that I’ve noticed lately. My legs are looking awesome! I might actually rock a pair of shorts this summer! I haven’t worn shorts in public in years so it’ll be nice to actually get a tab on my legs. Lol! My feet are getting narrower. I have a pair of cowboy boots I’ve had for about 3 years and they’ve been my old faithfuls but I always had to reach down and yank them on. Not anymore! I can slip my feet right into them and they’re actually really loose when I walk now. I have muscles in the back of my neck that go to my shoulders! I can’t think of what they are…tri somethings. I am getting curves in my waist area! When I stand practically naked and check myself out, there’s a beautiful feminine curve from my armpit to my hips on both sides and I can actually see my hipbones if I look close. Lol!

I’m feeling curvier and more beautiful every day and I have more confidence than ever! I’m so excited that I’ve gone this far and am continuing. There is never a moment that I regret working out on the elliptical or going for a run/walk. I’m getting there, one battle at a time. 🙂