Rock bottom

by kristinwood

So a friend of mine added me to a group on Facebook about making healthy life changes and today she shared a little bit about her struggle to get heathy. She asked what our “rock bottom” points were and I’ve thought and thought about it today and honestly, this is that moment…

For years I have been overweight…probably 10-12 years now. Alot of my negative feelings about being overweight have to do with my fear of developing a mental illness. I am really not sure if they’re closely related or not but there’s a stigma in my brain that links a healthy body to a healthy mind. Anyway, one of the moments that really sticks out to me was one day when I was having a horrible day. I had fought with Tim and I had talked myself in circles and I could really start to tell that I was being unreasonable and irrational and it seemed like once he pointed out something I had done wrong or something he didn’t like that I had done, I felt like the world was crashing down on me. It was an awful feeling and everything seemed to make it worse. I finally told him I was overwhelmed and confused and I needed a break and was going to just take a shower. While I was in the shower it dawned on me how often I seemed to have moments like that where I just couldn’t function and I just shut down. Well, one thought lead to another and it was just a chain reaction of thoughts and my final thought before getting out of the shower was that I’m not a mental case but I have some serious hormonal issues going and my hormones are all out of whack because I’m fat. And in that moment, every cupcake, every moment leading up to a comfort food meal, every Dr. Pepper and sweet tea just flashed before my eyes and felt like I was slowly killing myself. Instead of the food making me feel good when I prepared it and ate it, it was making me sick. And not in a disease/cover your body with oozing sores kind of sick. This sickness was eating away at my brain and nervous system. It was controlling me and devouring my true happiness one bite at a time.

When I really saw that big picture in my head, I wept. I stood there, soap in hand, forehead against the shower and sobbed. The realization that there was really something wrong had sunk in. I’m a very forward, kind of way ahead of the game thinker so I immediately thought “Ok Kristin, you know what’s wrong. Now what are you willing to do to get better?” My answer was “Whatever it takes.”

You see, I am not a mental case…I don’t need medication or cupcakes. I needed to be strong and take better care of myself and be honest with myself. At that moment, I decided I was going to eat healthier and run and lose weight and stop taking birth control and putting things into my body that weren’t good for it. The reason I say birth control is because it is soooooo full of manmade hormones and can really wreak havoc on your emotional wellbeing. I wanted a clean slate. And that’s what I created for myself. And because of that awful, humiliating, frustrated, and sad moment that’s why I’m here today 40 lbs lighter and so much happier. I can honestly say that since I have changed my lifestyle, I have not had a single moment where my head wasn’t square on my shoulders or that I felt unreasonable and out if control. Where before, I had those whirling tornado episodes at least once a month and sometimes even more often than that. I’m feeling better and it can only get better every day and I’m looking forward to my life at it’s greatest!

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