The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Month: December, 2013

Better late than never…

So Tuesday was weigh day and I think I forgot to post about it. I had done random thoughts floating around my head so I may as well share.

Monday night I had been overtaken by this deep dark feeling of dread. I knew I hadn’t been what you’d say. “On point” with my eating and hadn’t exercised every single day last week that I had the opportunity to. I also was battling some anxiety issues and Aunt Flo was not being very pleasant to deal with either. I hadn’t particularly over are or been horrible. Just not the best I’d ever been either.

Tuesday morning comes along and I trudged up the stairs to weigh and low and behold I had lost 2 more lbs! I was shocked and ecstatic! That means I’m only 13 lbs away from my big goal and I think I’m gonna make it. If you had asked me before weigh in, I probably would’ve said no, that I wasn’t going to reach that goal by February.

So here’s my 2 cents. I don’t want to be on a diet. I don’t want to exercise every single day of my whole life. I don’t want to never ever eat another cupcake. I don’t want to feel like I have to order from the weight watchers part of the menu when I eat out. I don’t want to avoid pop or tea or lemonade forever! I just want to do the best I can and consciously make good choices more than not. I want to exercise 3-5 times a week and run a mile without stopping to walk eventually. I don’t want robe a personal trainer with ripped abs and biceps bigger than my dads. I just want to be healthy and happy and fun. Lol! I want to live my life with my kids and enjoy the little moments I have with them. I want to dream with them and teach them fun things I learned as a kid like popping the tops off dandelions and making friendship bracelets. I want to be a life liver. I don’t want anything to hold me back and I don’t want to obsess about my body and weight and healthy eating. I just want it to be second nature. On I truly feel I’m on the right path. I’m getting there. The past week has proven to me that I can live my life. I can ride the highs and lows that come with it and still succeed. I can still lose weight and eventually maintain my weight AND live my life.

My life is not at a standstill and just because I’m trying to get healthy doesn’t mean that’s all I can focus on. It is so relieving to know that in a year I’ll be down to a healthy weight and feeling better than ever. It’s so awesome to think that by next summer I can take my kids to the park and enjoy running around and swinging. I can take them to the pool or beach and won’t have to wear shorts and tee shirt over my swimsuit to hide my body. I can erase those negative thoughts from my head and fill it with fun ideas and conversations with my kids. 2014 better look out because I’m going to enjoy every single minute just being who God created me to be and it’s going to be awesome!

Falalalala la la la la!

Merry Christmas to all of you that support me and read my crazy blog posts! I hope you all had a great holiday so far and took a little time to pray and rejoice the birth of Christ! Even a quick prayer is better than none so if you haven’t yet, take a few second to close your eyes and thank God for something…right now. I’ll be waiting. ๐Ÿ™‚

It feels so good to reflect on the many blessings I’ve received lately. I plan to do a recap of my year in a post soon so I won’t go into all that but I wanted to brag on my awesome husband a little bit. Of course my kids are pretty great too and got me some super cute gift sets they picked out with daddy’s help but Tim did something I’m sure he’ll think was nothing. I’m a “make mountains out of mole hills” type of person sometimes (in a good way) so this will not surprise anyone how big a deal this is to me.

This morning I saved Tim’s present until last because the always surprises me the most. Mind you, the night before last he brought me a heavy box and asked me if I wanted to wrap my own present. Lol ! I did, of course and didn’t peek once. He did admit to me though that he put a bag of Epsom salt in it though to throw me off and said it wasn’t anything expensive. Gosh I love him! Anyways I opened it this morning to find 2 Carhartt shirts in it in a size XL. I told him thank you and set them aside thinking to myself that they weren’t going to fit. I would have bought a XXL or maybe not bought them at all for fear that they’d be too small. After the kids had all their fun and watched tv, ate brunch and played some more. We sent them up to take a nap. Tim nonchalantly says “Aren’t you going to try your shirts on?” I shyly told him I didn’t think they’d fit, that they’d be too tight. We’ll he urged me to try them on and said he wanted to see me in them. I put the first one on, a pretty salmon colored ribbed tank. It fit perfectly and had a little room to spare! I was shocked! Then I tried the blue fitted tshirt on that said Carhartt across the chest and while it was a little bit tighter, it fit perfectly! I was super shocked! I ran in to look in the mirror to make sure I was actually seeing what I saw and sure enough, they looked nice on me! I sheepishly went into the living room to thank him and he said I looked hot in them. Of course I laughed hysterically. Then I realized he was serious…wow.

See, even when I feel like a failure or that I’m not doing something right or get hard on myself, Tim picks me up. He brushes off the dust and in his calm way, reassures me that I’m on the right track. He had faith that those shirts would fit and he knew that was one of my silly goals-to fit in the regular sized Carhartt clothes. He knew I wouldn’t buy them for myself yet because I had too many doubts but he gently nudged me in the right direction.

So of all the many blessings in my life, God’s biggest blessing to me is my perfect mate, partner, lover and friend. Everyday Tim proves to me God’s perfect plan for our life and marriage. I am so blessed by His unconditional love and that of Tim’s as well. And that is my Christmas miracle…2 Carhartt shirts. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Sticks and Stones

This post is not weight loss related…it’s me related and I needed to share some thoughts and clear my head. Yesterday was awful. I was misunderstood in something I had posted on Facebook, then attacked personally, then accused of untrue things, given no way to defend myself, was made fun of after trying to defend myself, and eventually pushed by this person to block them. Which, honestly may have been what they were wanting to start with. Who knows….after thinking long and hard about it. I have decided to take what they said with a grain of salt and cut my losses. While it hurt and left me with a gaping wound in my precious heart yesterday, today I’m over it. Why you ask? Because God is my friend and we talked…and because He worked in the lives of sooo many other people that sent me encouraging words and scripture to read. Isn’t that awesome how God works in our lives and we can actually see Him if we open our eyes?

 

Last night I read through several of the comments and private messages that were sent and realized I needed to spend some time praying and reviewing the Bible. An old friend of mine suggested James so I started there. Of course I couldn’t stop reading! Every single word resonated with me! Then I had another message from a close friend that stated that this was the devil’s way of tempting me. You see, Satan saw me winning and he decided to dress himself as a person whom I considered family and attacked me when I was low already. He’s sneaky like that. Anyway, I opened my little daily devotional book and the verse of the day was from Psalms and was about VICTORY! I was like “Are you kidding me?!? God! Wow! You are seriously sitting right here now arent you?” and then I had a good long chat with Him. It was one of those moments that will forever leave a mark on my heart.

 

I was affirmed that I am a good person, not perfect but precious in His sight. No matter what, He’s going to be there for me. I will be persecuted in this world for being a Christian and following His ways. I read the verses about the tongue being the hardest part of the body to tame and how it can be so horrible. I also read about perseverance and patience and how thing happen in their own timing. It gave me comfort to know that my family woes will someday be over…not exactly right now and there’s maybe not even light at the end of the tunnel yet but I am assured that there will be.

I have learned that for every negative thought that jealous and miserable people may make about me that there are probably 10 more positive thoughts by some very amazing people and I need to stop letting the negativity get me down. I’ve also learned that God works in the most unlikely people. Thank you to each and every person who sent me a private message, text or commented on my post. You are all so wonderful and I’m thankful to have you in my life and on my friend list. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

I know while I have not exactly been on point lately with my diet and exercise and may not lose a single pound this weeks weighin or last, I’m growing and changing spiritually. I’m being led by the Holy Spirit daily and I am drawing closer to my God because He will NEVER fail me nor forsake me. If I gain nothing more from this awful situation with my family drama and everything else, I have become closer than ever in my faith in the Lord and that will be enough. Because in the end…that’s all that matters anyway.

Turkeys, Lost Keys and Suffocation

Oh that title sounds like an album title or the punch line to a bad joke. Today has been hard. Yesterday was harder and tomorrow may be hardest. Who knows. I do know that I’m about maxed out on emotions. In fact this was my journal entry for today

I’m tired of thinking, of worrying, of obsessing. My mind has been on overdrive for weeks. Every neurosensor in my body on edge. While sometimes feeling is good, I’m tired of it. I want to be on autopilot and stop it all from over stimulating me.

Anything from my family drama, to the Duck Dynasty crap, to the rants about US Cellular problems (including my own). They’re all starting to really bog me down. Usually I really love Facebook and today I really avoided it. I just couldn’t handle the bouncy balls going everywhere. It’s all so much and my brain just needs to stop thinking and trying to express itself. Lol! I’m such a creative person that my creative mind is always working and churning and taking in everything. I want to have a numb day where things don’t get to me and I don’t think about painting, or crocheting, or writing or taking pictures.

Even though I did have an emotionally raw day I managed 2 workouts today. I ran a mile around noon and lost my keys on the way so had to backtrack about another half a mile until I found then. Then tonight while watching Glee, I opened up the Pumpup app and it put together a 30 minute workout for me to do and I did that. I must say that push-up burpees are incredibly hard and I don’t think I’ve done any form of sit-ups since wearing a B cup and I’m fairly certain the “ladies” we’re trying to suffocate me but I survived it. I didn’t eat too bad today except for the loaded baked potato and broccoli I had for supper. It was soooo good. That’s why I did the second workout tonight to burn off the sins of cheesy bacon goodness. Lol!

I’m really not expecting a loss on Tuesday because I’ve been do emotional lately and have not been very focused on my goals. I’m not going to beat myself up over it though as long as I don’t gain more than 2 lbs. I truly don’t want to gain any but it’s inevitable. I’m just setting realistic expectations. Holidays are rough. Holidays with a very broken family are even rougher. Holidays with a broken heart are the roughest and trust me, mines been broken lately.

On to another topic before I reveal too much info and add to the already burning firestorm. Tomorrow I’m going to see my good friend Cassie who is also my hairdresser. I’ve been very distraught about all those hair clumps in the shower and I’m scared to death my hair is looking awful lately. So she’s gonna take a peek at it and see if she thinks I’ll benefit from a shorter cut or what we can do with it. I’m hoping she’ll look and notice some new hairs coming in and I’ll be on the downhill side of this hair loss and maybe offer some products and tips instead of a cut. I really love having long hair but not if it’s ugly. Lol! I’ll keep the blog posted if I get a new do!

I’m off to bed to sleep away the night. Hope we don’t get the nasty weather they’ve been saying. We shall see…night everyone!

Why?

Today I stayed pretty strict with my eating clean and I even went straight to the elliptical at 8:15 after I tucked the kids in bed instead of procrastinating. And when I was exhausted and my knee was aching after just one mile, I convinced myself to keep pushing on until 1.8 miles and I got my best time ever…17 minutes! I don’t know what motivated me so much or kept me on track today because I really didn’t have to give myself any pep talks or anything. So after I did the elliptical I went to the basement to start some laundry and asked myself why…why have I kept this up when I’ve wanted to quit so many times? Why do I keep pushing even though it hurts? Why do I give myself such great pep talks sometimes but can barely convince my son to quit crumpling his dirty socks up in his pants legs? Lol! Why do I want to get under 200 lbs?

So I figured now is just as good a time as any to reevaluate the “why?” I want to keep working towards my goal because I want to win. I want people to think of me as successful at something more than a housewife with school age children that doesn’t work a “real” job. I want the outside to reflect the beauty and confidence that it should. I want to feel pretty again and be able to wear anything and not have to worry about being heavy. I want to shop in the regular sizes. I want to beat depression and any other mental illnesses that come right along with obesity. I want to wear a swimsuit on the beach. I want to have pretty skin. I want to be vain…just once. Lol! I want food not to be a comfort anymore. I want to feel like I can do anything and not fight hesitation thinking just because I’m heavy. I want to run a race against my brother and have half a chance at beating his skinny tail. I want to stop making jokes that my brothers got the height in the family and I got the width. I want to look like someone in my family. That might sound strange but I don’t feel like I look like anyone into family because I’m packing so much extra fat in my face. I want to look and fe cute without having to try and put myself together. I want a cute wardrobe full of things like lacey underwear and pretty tanks. I want to buy workout clothes without someone wondering why. I want to do boudoir photos with a real photographer and not set up the tripod, do them myself, and then delete the bad ones. I want to do family pictures with a real photographer and actually hang them up on the wall. I want to be strong. I want my family to be proud of me for something. I want to be able to be the quiet person I really am without resorting to my wit to make up for my shortcomings. No one minds the quiet skinny girl but as soon as a heavy person gets quiet, everyone assumes she’s feeling bad about herself. I want to borrow clothes if I need to. I want to wear skinny jeans and Sperry’s. I want to finally fit somewhere in this world.

I know that paragraph was more like a novel full if run on sentences but those are my random thoughts for the night. I’m sure there’s more reasons but that’s all I can think of right now. Do it for you and for all the reasons you can think if. You’re worth every single sore muscle, every single compliment, every single race finished and maybe won, and for every single person that thinks you can’t. Prove to them that you can…and will!

Only Human

I heard a song today that has haunted me lately. It’s so amazing to me how music works in my life and plays such a huge role in my outlook. You can hear it and read the lyrics here.

It gets me because I’ve been playing this game and following all the rules so well up until lately. I’ll admit I’ve always been an emotional eater that was in denial for a long time. And I’ll also admit I’m dealing with some really hard family stuff right now. A certain family member has been throwing hateful words around like daggers and I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve tried my best to retreat and it’s darn near impossible. As much as I try to tell myself not to let them get to me, they still hurt. As many times as I’ve seeked God through prayer about this, the anxiety is still there. As much as I try to push through it with my happy face on, it still plagues me. I’m only human.

Today especially, I have not eaten as I should. This morning for breakfast I had a fried egg, 3 pieces of bacon and a whole bagel with cream cheese. Then for lunch I had broccoli cheese soup and a half a ham and cheese sandwich and 5 saltine crackers. Then for supper I had 5 pizza pockets and a few spoonfuls of ice cream. After looking back in the list, it doesn’t seem that bad but I’m sure I went over my calories by 500 or so. It’s awful and I’m so mad at myself over it. It is a cold snowy day, I’m dealing with emotional turmoil, my dog is still paralyzed, my house was a wreck, my husband is working and I’m lonely, my kids are just kids and have been lively from being cooped up. I turned to the one thing I know…food. Whether it be cooking a good meal or feeding others. That’s just what I do. My cousin and inspiration wrote in her blog today about how cooking for others made her feel loved by them and I can totally relate to that statement. I would love for my kids to remember that I’m a great cook but I want them to also remember me by my ability to cook good meals and do healthy things like exercise and run.

I’ve been thinking so much lately about the mark I’ll leave behind once I’m gone and the women I admire in this world and it’s no surprise that they’re all domestic goddesses. Lol! I don’t know exactly where I fit in this world but I want to be remembered in a good way and I want to inspire others to be awesome! Unfortunately I can’t turn that into a profession. Lol!

It’s hard for me to openly talk about my faults and all the things that I don’t always do perfectly but that’s what makes me human. That’s what makes me real and honest and caring. I pray that in the legacy I leave behind that others will remember me for just that.

Tuesday didn’t happen

So I weighed this morning because I was really feeling antsy and hoping I lost the past few days. As I started up the Wii Fit I noticed that it didn’t record Tuesdays weight so I guess it didn’t happen. Lol! According to the scales I’ve lost .4 since last Friday. I’ll take it. It’s better than a gain any day!

Today I’m on the straight and narrow. No more Subway carbie flatbread, no more gravy on my pork loin, no more sneaky mini cupcakes or sweet tea. Yesterday was a lucky day. If I hadn’t done the elliptical for 17 minutes last night I would’ve gone over on calories. It was so dang hard to do it at 10:30 last night but I did and it felt so good! I couldn’t sleep afterwards from the endorphin high but it was worth it!

Last night I sold a lot of the bigger clothes that are too big. While I’m so glad to see them go, I’m elated that I can almost wear “regular” sizes now… Not plus sizes! I saw a girl on Facebook refer to something called ONEderland and I’m totally using that! I’m just 14 lbs away from ONEderland and I couldn’t be happier! I will be honest with you though, as I was sorting and selling my clothes I had a little teensy weak negative voice in my head that said “what if you need those again? What if you get pregnant? What if I gain it all back?” Then my strong loudmouth voice in my head told that weak voice to shut up that I don’t need to worry about any of that crap. It’s not gonna happen and I’m in charge here and I’m rocking it. So lay off! Lol!

I’m so glad I have such great conversations with myself. ๐Ÿ™‚ Happy flex Friday ya’ll. I would post a flexing picture but that would require me to strip out of my comfy baggy sweater and we all know that ain’t happening!

Sore=Success!

So I guess my personal trainer app is doing the trick. I woke up sore this morning and as I just now lowered myself back into bed, my an muscles shouted at me in their weariness. Lol! I don’t remember those muscles hurting since high school! I always thought after a c section that I wouldn’t ever really be able to use those muscles but I guess I was wrong! Lol!

I’m proud to say that I completed 2 days of this new workout and I was definitely ready for the change. I was starting to dread the elliptical every night and was making excuses as to why I wasn’t going to do it. Now I’m sneaking this 30 minutes of exercise in in the afternoons after my light lunch and before the kids get home off the bus. I’m so thankful for the flexibility of my schedule and I really don’t think I could do it if I was working a real job. God had this all in His plan when He it the little seed in my mind so many months ago. His timing is flawless, as always.

I’m still working on casting my cares upon Him and I pray every day that I find peace in my current family situation. I started going to a ladies Bible study on Wednesday mornings and evening and I’m really enjoying it. I felt like I could still stand to strengthen that spiritual bond with Him and what better way to do it than with other women of faith?

I feel myself getting stronger physically and mentally about this whole eating thing. I’m confident that I’m still headed in the right direction. I’ll never be perfect but I’m way better than I used to be.

I seldom listen to the actual radio anymore. I usually have a cd in in the car and today I heard some commercial talking about indulging in cookies and milk. I don’t remember the specifics but I remember thinking “man, cookies and milk sound soooo awesome right now!” Then I remember saying to myself literally our loud “Kristin, you may as we’ll get that out of your head right now because you can NEVER go back there. You cannot look over your shoulder and turn to comfort food any more. You have to accept that and move forward.” It’s a harsh reality but I will be right back where I started if I don’t keep that solid mindset. I will never be able to enjoy food the way I used to because it was killing me. I’m still not sure what my new coping mechanism will be but I have to keep trying them out until I find the right fit. I’m worth it.

Pumpup

So I got a personal trainer today. Oh gosh, I can’t say that with a straight face! Actually I downloaded a new app on my new iPhone called Pumpup. It’s so cool! You tell it how long you want to workout and what equipment you have and it puts together a workout and counts down the time. It also shows a moving picture of each workout and gives tips on form. I just have the free version but I’m thinking about purchasing the paid version where a trainers voice tells you what to do. It’s kinda hard to stay in position and watch the timer on your phone.

Today I rocked out to Lana Del Ray and attempted the reps. I wouldn’t say it was easy and considering that I’ve never had to do those kinds of workouts I’m sure I looked like an overweight flamingo trying to balance on a marble but I did it! I finished the workouts and it said I burned 215 calories and I was definitely a little sore doing it.

Here’s some pics I took to give you a visual of my “gym”.

Here’s my little workout buddy. She usually just licks herself and lays in the sunbeam but she’s not bad company.

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There’s a few pictures of the view from the window and my space, an old quilt on that yucky shag carpet because I hate the way it feels on my skin. I plan to add some weights sometime but this works for now. I even took before and after pics today and worked out in a sports bra. Let me tell you, that was liberating. Lol! The pic I posted is just a preview. I couldn’t possibly share the other pics just yet. They’re scary and embarrassing. One of these days I’ll have more courage and feel better about the stretchies.

Happy Transformation Tuesday! This marks the beginning of my newest chapter and I hope if you’re reading this you know that anything can happen if you make it happen!

1.8

That’s the number the scale said I gained since Friday…1.8 lbs. goshdarnit. I know I can’t be perfect all the time and I had probably 15 excuses why I just didn’t care this past weekend. I have always coped with the tough stuff in my life by indulging in food and this weekend I did just that. It was stressful and hard and emotional and anxiety ridden off and on and I resorted back. I ate too many cookies and mini cupcakes. I spent too little time working out and I just didn’t care. I was comfy and secure in my oversize clothes and warm house slippers and sort of just turned into a recluse yesterday.

That number shows me two things. 1) I’m not as strong or perfect or trained as I wanted to think I was. 2) it sure doesn’t take many bad eating choices to get back to where I was. Just think, in 25 more weekends of poor choices, I could be back at 265! That is not acceptable! I have to get back to where I was, mindset wise. I need to rest and rebalance and refocus. Today I have a plan. I’m going to nap because I’m exhausted and when I get wiped out, I can’t fully focus and I end up sick. I don’t have time for that crap. Lol! After I rest, I’m going to eat protein for breakfast and a sensible lunch, have an apple for a snack later and plan a healthy supper for us.

I’ve done wrong now I’m going to do right. The old me would have thrown in the towel and ate cookies all day but I’m not there anymore. I have come so far and just because of a few pounds, I’m not going to let that slow me down. I will lose them by next week and be back on track. I will not let the hurdles in my life trip me up. I will meet that next goal and I will refuse to get lazy and lax again!

I just read a quote that said “Setbacks are just setups for comebacks!” I thought that was such a cool way to think of it. It was just what I needed to hear today.