Only Human

by kristinwood

I heard a song today that has haunted me lately. It’s so amazing to me how music works in my life and plays such a huge role in my outlook. You can hear it and read the lyrics here.

It gets me because I’ve been playing this game and following all the rules so well up until lately. I’ll admit I’ve always been an emotional eater that was in denial for a long time. And I’ll also admit I’m dealing with some really hard family stuff right now. A certain family member has been throwing hateful words around like daggers and I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve tried my best to retreat and it’s darn near impossible. As much as I try to tell myself not to let them get to me, they still hurt. As many times as I’ve seeked God through prayer about this, the anxiety is still there. As much as I try to push through it with my happy face on, it still plagues me. I’m only human.

Today especially, I have not eaten as I should. This morning for breakfast I had a fried egg, 3 pieces of bacon and a whole bagel with cream cheese. Then for lunch I had broccoli cheese soup and a half a ham and cheese sandwich and 5 saltine crackers. Then for supper I had 5 pizza pockets and a few spoonfuls of ice cream. After looking back in the list, it doesn’t seem that bad but I’m sure I went over my calories by 500 or so. It’s awful and I’m so mad at myself over it. It is a cold snowy day, I’m dealing with emotional turmoil, my dog is still paralyzed, my house was a wreck, my husband is working and I’m lonely, my kids are just kids and have been lively from being cooped up. I turned to the one thing I know…food. Whether it be cooking a good meal or feeding others. That’s just what I do. My cousin and inspiration wrote in her blog today about how cooking for others made her feel loved by them and I can totally relate to that statement. I would love for my kids to remember that I’m a great cook but I want them to also remember me by my ability to cook good meals and do healthy things like exercise and run.

I’ve been thinking so much lately about the mark I’ll leave behind once I’m gone and the women I admire in this world and it’s no surprise that they’re all domestic goddesses. Lol! I don’t know exactly where I fit in this world but I want to be remembered in a good way and I want to inspire others to be awesome! Unfortunately I can’t turn that into a profession. Lol!

It’s hard for me to openly talk about my faults and all the things that I don’t always do perfectly but that’s what makes me human. That’s what makes me real and honest and caring. I pray that in the legacy I leave behind that others will remember me for just that.