Why?

by kristinwood

Today I stayed pretty strict with my eating clean and I even went straight to the elliptical at 8:15 after I tucked the kids in bed instead of procrastinating. And when I was exhausted and my knee was aching after just one mile, I convinced myself to keep pushing on until 1.8 miles and I got my best time ever…17 minutes! I don’t know what motivated me so much or kept me on track today because I really didn’t have to give myself any pep talks or anything. So after I did the elliptical I went to the basement to start some laundry and asked myself why…why have I kept this up when I’ve wanted to quit so many times? Why do I keep pushing even though it hurts? Why do I give myself such great pep talks sometimes but can barely convince my son to quit crumpling his dirty socks up in his pants legs? Lol! Why do I want to get under 200 lbs?

So I figured now is just as good a time as any to reevaluate the “why?” I want to keep working towards my goal because I want to win. I want people to think of me as successful at something more than a housewife with school age children that doesn’t work a “real” job. I want the outside to reflect the beauty and confidence that it should. I want to feel pretty again and be able to wear anything and not have to worry about being heavy. I want to shop in the regular sizes. I want to beat depression and any other mental illnesses that come right along with obesity. I want to wear a swimsuit on the beach. I want to have pretty skin. I want to be vain…just once. Lol! I want food not to be a comfort anymore. I want to feel like I can do anything and not fight hesitation thinking just because I’m heavy. I want to run a race against my brother and have half a chance at beating his skinny tail. I want to stop making jokes that my brothers got the height in the family and I got the width. I want to look like someone in my family. That might sound strange but I don’t feel like I look like anyone into family because I’m packing so much extra fat in my face. I want to look and fe cute without having to try and put myself together. I want a cute wardrobe full of things like lacey underwear and pretty tanks. I want to buy workout clothes without someone wondering why. I want to do boudoir photos with a real photographer and not set up the tripod, do them myself, and then delete the bad ones. I want to do family pictures with a real photographer and actually hang them up on the wall. I want to be strong. I want my family to be proud of me for something. I want to be able to be the quiet person I really am without resorting to my wit to make up for my shortcomings. No one minds the quiet skinny girl but as soon as a heavy person gets quiet, everyone assumes she’s feeling bad about herself. I want to borrow clothes if I need to. I want to wear skinny jeans and Sperry’s. I want to finally fit somewhere in this world.

I know that paragraph was more like a novel full if run on sentences but those are my random thoughts for the night. I’m sure there’s more reasons but that’s all I can think of right now. Do it for you and for all the reasons you can think if. You’re worth every single sore muscle, every single compliment, every single race finished and maybe won, and for every single person that thinks you can’t. Prove to them that you can…and will!

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