The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Month: January, 2014

I still want it

I still want it. I still want to lose the last 54 pounds. I still want toned biceps and size 14 jeans. I still want to wear shorts next summer without my thighs rubbing together. I still want to have boudoir pictures taken. I still want to run a 5k. I still want to enjoy the ocean with my kids free of insecurities. I still want to impress my husband. I still want to be photogenic. I still want to feel pretty again. I still want to race my son up the hill and share clothes with my daughter someday. I still want to enjoy shopping. I still want to have energy. I still want everything I wanted a few months ago…problem is, I had forgotten how good it felt to want it. To really want it.

A few days ago I forced myself to do the elliptical. It was hard because I had taken too long of a break. After the first 5 minutes my sides hurt and I had to force myself to breathe through the pain. After 11 minutes my adrenaline kicked in and I got goosebumps. After the 2 miles was over, I felt good about doing my workout but not exactly elated. I didn’t have the release after a workout that makes you feel high. Tonight I had that. I swear through my shirt and the tendrils of hairs behind my ears were dripping. I had pumped through that workout with all of those thoughts of yearning running through my mind. I wanted it. I wanted every single calorie burnt tonight to be gone for good. I am back.

A few weeks ago I was content. I felt hot enough. I felt fit enough. People were noticing my weight loss and complementing me. It felt great and I thought to myself “this is it. If I never lose another pound, I’ll be just fine and content.” But I’m not. I had forgotten how good it feels to set a goal and achieve it. I had let those little losses here and there brainwash me into thinking I was satisfied when I really wasn’t. I know it’s a hard time of year. And I have not left my house for over 5 days except to run up the road and pick up a check. I am feeling the effects of cabin fever and I know how much it can get me down. But it won’t this time.

Tonight I powered through 2 miles and burned 284 calories. Tonight I win. Today I won the battle with weight loss. You see, you can lie to yourself and you believe it so easily. You can tell yourself you’re fine and you believe it. In fact, I’ve been telling myself that for years, a decade really. In truth I was not fine. I ate away my feelings instead of having confrontations and working to solve things. I baked when I got a little uncomfortable or wanted people to like me. I hid behind a cute apron and pretty white smile. Not anymore. I am earning this body. Every single drop of sweat, every side pain, every weigh in. I am striving for this life I want. I still want it.

Preventative Maintenance

Preventative maintenance…that’s what my husband calls it at work. Basically it is maintenance and upkeep on machines to make sure they dont give them fits. That’s the stage that I’m in right now. I have decided that I’m not a winter person…I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder and I get especially gloomy around February. So I’m working to keep my body and mind in shape now so that hopefully I wont lose my mind come February. For several years now I have suffered some form of depression in February. It’s usually triggered by more than just the weather changing but this year I’ve decided to be proactive. I have a plan for February 2014’s SAD bout.

1. Keep busy. – Find crochet projects I enjoy and do them. Keep my housework up better. Actually put laundry away instead of living out of the basket for weeks. Paint a room. Watch every episode of Sons of Anarchy with my husband. File that pile of mail that builds up. Write letters or cards to elderly or sick. Text friends. Whatever it takes to keep my mind from going idle…that’s what I’ll do.

2. Spend time outside of the house at least once a week. – This could be as simple as going for a drive with Tim after the kids go to school. I have recently been going to ladies bible study on Wednesday mornings and I really enjoy it. I plan to keep that up. I need to get out and not hermit. Along with getting out, I need to shower and do my hair every single day. I couldnt tell you how many days this past week I’ve worn the same shirt. It’s sad how I lose track of time until I start to smell myself or the thought of anyone actually getting close to me makes me do the pit sniff to make sure I have fresh deoderant on.

3. Make a photo diary entry every day in February. – I will post them on Instagram every single day. I will not have a particular theme to my madness but I plan to keep my creative mind churning every single day in February and be inspired to look at something differently through my lens. I need to think of a cutesy creative hashtag…I’ll ponder that a little more.

4. Go outside once a day and thank God for what I have. – Sounds kinda dumb when I put it into words but I so often find myself just opening and shutting the door to let the dogs or kids in or out. I forget to actually take not of what the weather is like or feel the wind and sun on my face. I will do that.

5. Pray for someone every day. – This can be the quickest or longest prayer ever but I plan to pray for someone different every day. God answers prayers and I see His work daily in my life. Why not share Him with others.

6. Tell my husband thank you for something every day. – He is such a wonderful provider for me and my family and sometimes I take that for granted and forget to thank him. Not only does he provide for us financially he is there for me emotionally too. He has picked me up so many times and wrapped me in a big wooly bear hug and everything just felt right in that moment. He has saved me on countless occasions and his love for me never fails. When he asked my dad if he could marry me, he promised my dad that he would take care of me and he has never let him down. That’s something to be proud of.

7. I will have a real conversation with my kids (one on one) once a day. – So many times I have this “How was your day?” It was fine mom” type of conversation and never really talk to them. We just go through the motions of our daily activities and get through it. I forget that part of interactive parenting is making them feel heard and loved in that way. I really plan to look into the love languages and really work on that with my kids. They both need that attention from me and I plan to give it.

 

Those 7 things are all I can think of right now. I really am kinda OCD and want to have a list of 10 things. LOL! That’ll do for tonight. I can always come back and add to it.

 

I’m sure some of you are wondering about my diet and exercise and weight loss so I’ll just give you a quick update. I am trying to work out 3 times a week. Lately it’s been hit and miss and I’ve procrastinated or made excuses or been sick but tonight I did the elliptical and made it 2 miles and I plan to keep at it. If I miss a day or so here and there, my biggest accomplishment will be getting back on after a break. That makes me a winner.

As for my weight, this week I weighed in at EXACTLY the same as last week. I didnt even lose or gain .1 of a lb. It was insane. I guess I’m doing ok at this “maintaining” thing. I know winter is hard for me and I dont expect to shed another 50 lbs in 6 months again anytime soon. So right now I just want to maintain my weight loss and if I lose a lb here and there, that’s great. When the weather warms up, Tim and I are going to do the Couch to 5K plan and I will start working to lose the last 54 lbs then. I love to run outside and with him by my side, it’ll be all the more rewarding. I’ll definitely post pics when we get all done. Maybe I’ll talk him into letting me take before and after shots of him too. 😉

I’m still watching what I eat and trying to eat healthy. I try to balance carbs and proteins and incorporate fruits and vegetables in every meal. I also am really try to get away from carb-ie snacks. It’s hard to stay away from those dang BBQ kettle chips but they’re all gone now and I dont plan to buy more. LOL! We just got our deep freeze full from our home raised cow that we had butchered so I’ll have plenty of meat for a while and I’m excited for steak date nights with Tim. His steak on the grill is better than any restaurants around here so I get super excited about that. And he grills in the winter too! Couldnt ask for anything better than that!

I’m still as optimistic as ever and I haven’t given up. I’m just not going at it gung ho. I will write a blog post about my lady hormonal problems one of these days but I just cant talk about it right now. It’s embarrassing and hard to put to words and sometimes I cant even wrap my head around it all. But I mention that because I started taking Vitamin E along with my multivitamin in hopes of getting my cycles more regular and restoring my reproductive health. I’m willing to try anything noninvasive and simple at this point.

Today I read a blog about a woman who weighed 450 lbs at her heaviest and lost 100-150 lbs at a time then yoyoed back and forth and now weighs 350 lbs after 22 months of working really hard at changing her lifestyle and seeing a therapist. It really put things in perspective for me. It’s not about body image or looking hot in a bikini. It’s about living my life the best I can. Could I have lived a great life at 265 lbs? You betcha but I’m living a better life now at 214  and I’ll live an even better one at 160. I know theres better days ahead for me. I know I’m meant to make a difference. I know I’m still in the beginning of this journey. I have a long ways to go and I will probably forever battle with my body. It’s not easy and it’s not fast but it’s worth it. Rewards are coming. I just keep powering through. Without struggle there is no progress.

I’m a rebel by nature

I really am. I’m one of those people if told to do something, I generally do the opposite. I also hate to do what everyone else is doing for the sake of it. Example: on New Years I always get all weird at 11:55 when everyone starts watching the clock and looking for their lover to kiss. I can feel Tim’s eyes burning into me or searching for me. I generally roll my eyes and do it anyway but I hate it. Not the kissing part…the do it because you’re supposed to part. If I want to kids my husband I want it to be because I feel like it dang it. Lol! I’m the same way about resolutions.

Last year I actually set a New Years resolution and did it. I wanted to teach myself how to crochet and I did. I hammered out my first real project in January last year and I’ve been Making beautiful things ever since. This year I absolutely did not want to do the bandwagon thing and set all these outrageous goals that I wasn’t sure I could achieve and then disappoint myself and others. But what did I do? I set a stupid goal to run/walk/ellipticize 500 miles in 2014. Now at first I did the math and that’s way more than a mile a day and that was so ridiculously unreasonable. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stick with it that long and most importantly…I knew that goal would not motivate me.

So today I really rethought things and decided this for 2014.
1. I don’t care about how many miles I do. I just want to exercise regularly ever single week. Regularly could mean a lot of things. But basically I want to not ever skip weeks and get lazy and lose the muscle and lung capacity I’ve worked so hard to gain.
2. I will not gain anything and if I do, it will be minuscule in the bigger picture. I know that my big weekly losses are over. No more -3 lbs every week. All I want to see now is a minus number. I don’t care if it’s -.3 that’s still a loss in my book. Slow and steady wins the race.
3. I want to get back to running when the weather is nice. I will do the Color Run this year and complete the couch to 5k program.
4. I will keep my mental health in check. I’m only allowed a 2 day pity party and no binge eating without consequences. So if I ate 2 cupcakes today (which I didn’t ) I would have to burn all those calories tonight. I’m not a naturally skinny girl and never will be. This keeps me in check.
5. I will do this on my own. No diet pills, no secret fads, no skin removal surgery. Just me. I am my greatest strength and my greatest enemy. God is on my side and good things will happen. I have faith.

I hate to be cliche so hopefully those make sense to you the reader. I want to be real with you and myself. This takes work and dedication but I don’t have to be obsessive every single day but I do have to be aware forever. I don’t want to go back. Wish me luck on weigh day tomorrow! TTFN!

The sins of yesterday…

I have been having this nagging feeling lately that I should blog. It was weird because I had so many thoughts and emotions running through my head lately. Should I write about my diet and exercise failures from the past two weeks? Should I write about my emotional healing? Should I talk about packing on a little extra weight during the winter or my lack of motivation to exercise when it is -10* outside? Should I write about my thoughts on body image and the revelations I’ve made lately? Should I write about my comfort level with this new body or my hopeful goals that seem to be hanging in the air? It seemed like I had so many things going though my mind lately and I couldn’t put any of them to words. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks…that’s what I’ll write about!

So today I wanted to talk about mental clarity and it’s relationship with proper diet and exercise. I also want to reiterate that when I say “diet” I’m not referring to the Adkins diet or an all soup diet. I’m referring to what I actually consume. I’m meaning the diet that I feed on. I’m not on a fad diet and I’m not dieting. I’m eating a well balanced diet that is good for my body and providing fuel for body functions. As this point in my life though I’m focusing on losing weight so I’m balancing the intake of foods and the exercise so that I’m burning more fuel than I’m consuming. Therefore I’m burning fat off along with the food fuel. Get the idea? Losing weight is an equation basically. And I’ve been working to find that perfect balance and be successful at it.

Anyway, back to the mental clarity thing. I will admit that I’ve been consuming sweets lately. I’ve drank pop on several occasions and I have skimped on my workouts or skipped them altogether. My kids have been home on break now for 2.5 weeks and will hopefully start back tomorrow. It’s been hard because I really wanted to spend as much time with them as I could. I noticed the day before yesterday that while I was trying to relay some tragic news to Tim that I wasn’t getting names right and I couldn’t remember some important details that I typically wouldn’t have forgotten. I’m normally not forgetful and I can remember visual details for years. I have been told I would make a great witness. I have also noticed in the past six months of this change that I have had significantly less “gray days” and I’m not so depressed or blue feeling.

Tim and I cut wood yesterday in arctic weather…I’m talking -10 and the real feel said -32. It was cold and the wind was blowing. I was wearing 3 pairs of socks and still had to take a few breaks to warm up and keep frostbite from setting in. My eyelashes had ice on them and Tim’s beard was frozen solid. We were going to run out of wood if we hadn’t went yesterday so it was not a choice. It felt like complete insanity but I had decided not to complain and that I was going to look at it like an adventure. It was definitely quality time with my husband and we needed it.

On our way out of the woods I started talking about how good I felt. I remembered cutting wood last year and my back hurt, my pants were constantly falling down, my shirt would hike up, my bra straps were falling. Then Tim said “and you were sick.” I was like “yea, my allergies were pretty bad last year and I was miserable a lot.” He said something like my mind or something to that degree. Then it hit me…I was mentally unhealthy last year. And these past few weeks of bad diet and exercise habits has brought me down a little bit mentally and my head has been fuzzy. I haven’t been nearly as bad as I was last year but it is definitely noticeable.

I got to thinking about the time in my life when I started going really downhill and gaining the most weight the quickest…I was in college. I was living on ramen noodles, packaged rice mixes, potato oles from Taco Johns, pop by the mother load. I was one of the few in my dorm that could really bake and I baked nearly twice a week and loved to share. It was a horrible diet and I never exercised. It was a quick downhill spiral. That’s also the time in my life where I was the most miserable. I made poor choices and hated school. I couldn’t focus and was not getting good grades. Yesterday while reflecting on that I got to thinking, I wonder how much better I would’ve done in college if I had eaten properly and really worked out…

I’m sure lots of things would’ve been differently. Truth is, the past is the past. Just like with everything else in my life that lead me to the point where I am now, I can’t dwell on it or beat myself up for it. I didn’t know then what was doing to my body. I do now…now is the time to be conscious. Don’t over do it. Don’t beat myself up for the mistakes of yesterday. Just try harder every single day and keep on doing my best. That’s all I can really do.

Happy Root Beer!!!

It’s 2:30 am on New Year’s Day and I’m laying in bed, furious with myself for what I’ve done to my body the past 5 days or so. My gut is rolling and if I could, I would go to the bathroom and do the old heave ho and purge myself of my sins. I can’t do that for 2 reasons though. One , I have like the Chuck Norris of all gag reflexes. I’m serious… I’ve never been able to make myself throw up. Nothing makes me gag. Not even when it brush my teeth and tongue. It’s like that reflex doesn’t even exist. Lol! Second, I’m not bulimic or whatever the one is where you binge and purge. I have tried touching my toes over and over and now I’m laying on my left side in hopes that I can rid myself of some evil gas building up in my intestines. Unfortunately, if that gas ever does escape, I might no longer have a cat because she’s sleeping directly in the line of fire in her little snugly nest. Bahahaha!

Truthfully, I haven’t particularly eaten poorly…I just haven’t eaten well. Tonight I had Spark at around 6 pm and another 2 glasses if pop later in the night so I’m going strong on caffeine. I might crash at some point tomorrow. Who knows. 😉

In the next few days I am going to put together a fitness binder. It’s going to be filled will printables, charts, workouts, goals…anything and everything weight loss and fitness related. I hope some day to be able to perfect it and mentor others in their own weight loss journey and use this as a tool and roadmap to where I’ve been. I might not be very good at a lot if things but this is something I’m going to be great at and I plan to stick with it and NEVER get back to where I was 6 months ago and hopefully in another 6 months I’ll NEVER get back to where I am today.

I usually hate New Years resolutions and all that “here’s to the best year!” bull-oney but I feel like it’s the 1st…the 1st of the month, the 1st of the year and the 1st time I’ve ever ended a year truly a better person than I was the year before. Here’s to fresh starts regardless of whether they’re at New Years or on March 16th. It’s never too late to start something different and to be better. And it’s ok to be hokey and cliche too. 😉 in the words of my sweet little niece “Happy root beer!”