The sins of yesterday…

by kristinwood

I have been having this nagging feeling lately that I should blog. It was weird because I had so many thoughts and emotions running through my head lately. Should I write about my diet and exercise failures from the past two weeks? Should I write about my emotional healing? Should I talk about packing on a little extra weight during the winter or my lack of motivation to exercise when it is -10* outside? Should I write about my thoughts on body image and the revelations I’ve made lately? Should I write about my comfort level with this new body or my hopeful goals that seem to be hanging in the air? It seemed like I had so many things going though my mind lately and I couldn’t put any of them to words. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks…that’s what I’ll write about!

So today I wanted to talk about mental clarity and it’s relationship with proper diet and exercise. I also want to reiterate that when I say “diet” I’m not referring to the Adkins diet or an all soup diet. I’m referring to what I actually consume. I’m meaning the diet that I feed on. I’m not on a fad diet and I’m not dieting. I’m eating a well balanced diet that is good for my body and providing fuel for body functions. As this point in my life though I’m focusing on losing weight so I’m balancing the intake of foods and the exercise so that I’m burning more fuel than I’m consuming. Therefore I’m burning fat off along with the food fuel. Get the idea? Losing weight is an equation basically. And I’ve been working to find that perfect balance and be successful at it.

Anyway, back to the mental clarity thing. I will admit that I’ve been consuming sweets lately. I’ve drank pop on several occasions and I have skimped on my workouts or skipped them altogether. My kids have been home on break now for 2.5 weeks and will hopefully start back tomorrow. It’s been hard because I really wanted to spend as much time with them as I could. I noticed the day before yesterday that while I was trying to relay some tragic news to Tim that I wasn’t getting names right and I couldn’t remember some important details that I typically wouldn’t have forgotten. I’m normally not forgetful and I can remember visual details for years. I have been told I would make a great witness. I have also noticed in the past six months of this change that I have had significantly less “gray days” and I’m not so depressed or blue feeling.

Tim and I cut wood yesterday in arctic weather…I’m talking -10 and the real feel said -32. It was cold and the wind was blowing. I was wearing 3 pairs of socks and still had to take a few breaks to warm up and keep frostbite from setting in. My eyelashes had ice on them and Tim’s beard was frozen solid. We were going to run out of wood if we hadn’t went yesterday so it was not a choice. It felt like complete insanity but I had decided not to complain and that I was going to look at it like an adventure. It was definitely quality time with my husband and we needed it.

On our way out of the woods I started talking about how good I felt. I remembered cutting wood last year and my back hurt, my pants were constantly falling down, my shirt would hike up, my bra straps were falling. Then Tim said “and you were sick.” I was like “yea, my allergies were pretty bad last year and I was miserable a lot.” He said something like my mind or something to that degree. Then it hit me…I was mentally unhealthy last year. And these past few weeks of bad diet and exercise habits has brought me down a little bit mentally and my head has been fuzzy. I haven’t been nearly as bad as I was last year but it is definitely noticeable.

I got to thinking about the time in my life when I started going really downhill and gaining the most weight the quickest…I was in college. I was living on ramen noodles, packaged rice mixes, potato oles from Taco Johns, pop by the mother load. I was one of the few in my dorm that could really bake and I baked nearly twice a week and loved to share. It was a horrible diet and I never exercised. It was a quick downhill spiral. That’s also the time in my life where I was the most miserable. I made poor choices and hated school. I couldn’t focus and was not getting good grades. Yesterday while reflecting on that I got to thinking, I wonder how much better I would’ve done in college if I had eaten properly and really worked out…

I’m sure lots of things would’ve been differently. Truth is, the past is the past. Just like with everything else in my life that lead me to the point where I am now, I can’t dwell on it or beat myself up for it. I didn’t know then what was doing to my body. I do now…now is the time to be conscious. Don’t over do it. Don’t beat myself up for the mistakes of yesterday. Just try harder every single day and keep on doing my best. That’s all I can really do.