I still want it

by kristinwood

I still want it. I still want to lose the last 54 pounds. I still want toned biceps and size 14 jeans. I still want to wear shorts next summer without my thighs rubbing together. I still want to have boudoir pictures taken. I still want to run a 5k. I still want to enjoy the ocean with my kids free of insecurities. I still want to impress my husband. I still want to be photogenic. I still want to feel pretty again. I still want to race my son up the hill and share clothes with my daughter someday. I still want to enjoy shopping. I still want to have energy. I still want everything I wanted a few months ago…problem is, I had forgotten how good it felt to want it. To really want it.

A few days ago I forced myself to do the elliptical. It was hard because I had taken too long of a break. After the first 5 minutes my sides hurt and I had to force myself to breathe through the pain. After 11 minutes my adrenaline kicked in and I got goosebumps. After the 2 miles was over, I felt good about doing my workout but not exactly elated. I didn’t have the release after a workout that makes you feel high. Tonight I had that. I swear through my shirt and the tendrils of hairs behind my ears were dripping. I had pumped through that workout with all of those thoughts of yearning running through my mind. I wanted it. I wanted every single calorie burnt tonight to be gone for good. I am back.

A few weeks ago I was content. I felt hot enough. I felt fit enough. People were noticing my weight loss and complementing me. It felt great and I thought to myself “this is it. If I never lose another pound, I’ll be just fine and content.” But I’m not. I had forgotten how good it feels to set a goal and achieve it. I had let those little losses here and there brainwash me into thinking I was satisfied when I really wasn’t. I know it’s a hard time of year. And I have not left my house for over 5 days except to run up the road and pick up a check. I am feeling the effects of cabin fever and I know how much it can get me down. But it won’t this time.

Tonight I powered through 2 miles and burned 284 calories. Tonight I win. Today I won the battle with weight loss. You see, you can lie to yourself and you believe it so easily. You can tell yourself you’re fine and you believe it. In fact, I’ve been telling myself that for years, a decade really. In truth I was not fine. I ate away my feelings instead of having confrontations and working to solve things. I baked when I got a little uncomfortable or wanted people to like me. I hid behind a cute apron and pretty white smile. Not anymore. I am earning this body. Every single drop of sweat, every side pain, every weigh in. I am striving for this life I want. I still want it.