The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Month: February, 2014

#transparenttuesday

I know. I know. It isn’t Tuesday. But I’m preparing for 4 beautiful transparent Tuesdays in March. You see what started this thought was a number of things. Here’s a small list of my random thoughts.

1. So many women my age are coming into their prime. They may have absolutely no idea their worth in this world or the true beauty they exude. I know me personally can relate to this. I have struggled with feelings of less than perfect for almost all my adult life and yet when I post a selfie when I feel like I’m looking halfway decent, I get compliments! And I’m not gonna lie, every single time, I’m shocked. Sometimes I don’t feel pretty as a whole but I can pick out one feature in every photo that I’m happy with and that’s ok.

2. Once upon a time I ran across a blog and she was talking about transparent Tuesday. It really jumped out at me. It was a beautiful thing because she posted a picture of her less than perfect life and I could totally relate to the pictures of her sons sock that hadn’t made it into the laundry pile, or the unwashed dishes from last nights supper or her messy ponytail that she couldn’t recall when she’d had a proper trim last. I decided that I loved the hashtag so much that I wanted to incorporate it.

3. Also, you know I’ve survived SAD February. I can celebrate one more February without any self harm, weeks spent in a depression fog, quick rages of anger that burn up my insides and cause endless profanities to spew from my mouth, or vivid photo like thoughts of suicide wreaking havoc on my mind. I’m darn proud of the progress I’ve made. I could sit here and be ashamed or dwell on the measly 1.3 lbs I gained this month or I can motivate others to do something, think differently, see something in themselves they like.

4. I want to be a motivator. Plain and simple. I want to inspire others. I want to be real and honest and share my testimony and rehash every bad or good or embarrassing thing that’s ever happened in my life if it helps one more individual in this world to feel like they’re awesome.

So here’s the deal. We are the selfie, hashtag generation. We are also battling a lot of self hate. I want to challenge everyone during the month if March to post a selfie on Tuesdays. I want it to be transparent Tuesday. I love the time 11:11 and I always make wishes at that time. So at 11:11 on every Tuesday in March I want everyone who reads this to post a selfie on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, wherever your social media outlet may be. I want you to hashtag it #transparenttuesday. You don’t have to be gussied up. You don’t have to feel pressured to look fancy or make sure you’re standing in a bare hallway with superb lighting. Just snap, I upload, hashtag it and go. Next challenge…if you see someone else post their selfie, compliment them. Say anything nice about them. Let’s love ourselves, right now, just the way we are!!! Let’s become the self love generation!

Here’s a quick breakdown in case my rambling was confusing.

1. On every Tuesday in March, set yourself an alarm at 11:11 am or 11:11 pm

2. When that alarm goes off, take a selfie.

3. Post that selfie to some social media site like Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter with the hashtag #transparenttuesday

4. If you see someone else’s transparent Tuesday selfie, complement them.

Easy cheesy!!! Love yourself right now, wherever you are in your body journey.

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It’s all fun and games…

It’s all fun and games until I feel lonely and start to think too much. I’ve had a fairly busy day today with the kids. I’ve started a new crocheting project and it’s turning out so pretty. I’ve kept my housework up better than usual. I have all my paperwork ready for our tax appointment tomorrow. I made a really good dinner. I did my arm exercises and weights. The kids have been in bed about 2 hours now and it’s starting to set in…I’m alone. I’m snuggling with my little doxie, Thomas, and Ruby is sleeping soundly by my feet. I still have this fog of isolation surrounding me and I want to eat. I want to go into the kitchen and cut a big piece of leftover jello cake and then a bag of chips, fill my glass full of sweet tea and settle down for a nice pity party tonight. Tim’s at work and I feel so alone. While most people are dreading the new week, I can’t hardly wait for it to start because I know I will have a few days to spend time with him before he starts this routine all over again. You’d think after 9 years of him working every single weekend that I’d be used to it but I’m not. I just want him home right now or at least be able to call him and talk.

I’m choosing not to snack. I’m choosing to go fill up my water glass, crochet another granny square, run Thomas’s belly and get through this awful emotionally charged craving. I am not defined by this. I am defined by all the bad choices that I could have made but didn’t. I am defined by the number 55…that’s the pounds lost at this point. I am defined by these skinny ankles I’ve worked so hard for and have never had before! I am defined by my willpower, courage, and determination. I will get past this stupid trigger and I will be victorious tonight. Another battle to mark down in the books as a win. Another good choice I made and another step towards what I want.

I am so thankful for this blog and for the people who read it and have stopped and offered me words of encouragement and congratulations. This blog has been a beautiful/scary/crazy/awesome took to release my feelings and write about my triumphs and failures too. Thank you all again for riding this roller coaster with me and helping me become a better person. ๐Ÿ™‚

Today I am…

Here’s a new little series I thought up in my head. I will start the post with the phrase “Today I am…” And then I’ll fill in what I am that day. It could be anything really. I decided to hold myself accountable to my actions, thoughts and words. I felt like I used to do that but in reality, I just didn’t. Sometimes I would say or do things that embarrassed me or made me question later why I didn’t think before speaking. I read this quote today and I absolutely loved it.

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I want to live victorious! I want to see the results in my body that I’ve been striving for. I told you a few posts back that I was thinking of joining the Advocare team. Unfortunately that’s not in the cards financially at this time. But I did take a small step in that direction. I ordered their CU 24 DVDs. I ordered the first set that doesn’t require any equipment and I plan to do at least one 24 day stretch. Currently I’ve been logging my miles and workouts on my calendar so I’ll log this workout too. My goal for the next few months is to exercise or get physical every day. No more dormant living for this girl!!! I’ve come too far for my body to wither away and lose the strength and agility I’ve gained (even though it might not feel like much. Lol!).

So I’ll finish the sentence…today I am suffering from a uti and I’m taking a little break before I clean up the house a little bit and get a workout in. Tonight I have at least 3 extra little 5 year olds spending the night for Bowdy’s birthday and I am not going to be drug down by this uti and massive sugar consumption. I will follow my exercise plans and I will limit my pizza intake. Lol! Today I am victorious!

I have a few nonscale victories to share!!! Wednesday I ran/ walked a mike on the school track. It was probably 1/4 covered in snow so I had to just go back and forth instead of around and around. lol! I finished my mile in 12:27!!!! That’s huge for me because a few months ago I was really struggling to finish in just barely 14 minutes. Another nsv, I have gaps in my cowboy boots! I have a pair of authentic Justin mule hide cowgirl boots that I love and I used to fit in them and have no room around my calves. It was unfortunate because I thought I’d never be able to wear those summery dresses and cowgirl boots that are all the craze. We’ll now there’s a good inch gap around my calves in those boots!!! I just might wear them somewhere with a dress one of these days! Last nsv…I sold 2 trash bags of clothes from my closet that are too big!!! I am down at least 2 sizes from what I used to wear! I used to always daydream about the days of having a smaller body but now I’m there! I am proud of these tiny nsv’s and I will keep rejoicing in the little things. Because those little things add up and keep me motivated to keep going!

Some reflections…

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I seriously cannot believe how far I’ve come. The picture of me in the green tank was from July 23rd, 2013 and the one of me in the blue jacket was tonight. I never used to be a selfie type of person. I’m still kinda embarrassed because I think of it as a teenage thing to do. Lol! But if I didn’t do it, you might not believe it. You might not see that I’m a real person with real struggles and real saggy skin. I used to have a belly that looked several months pregnant. If getting pregnant had been a possibility I’m sure I could’ve hidden it for several months. Now…probably not.

Do I still see flaws with my body? Not really. I have worked for every inch of this body. I have earned the privilege of being called a “loser”. Lol! I’m going to be downright honest now…I skipped supper tonight so I could have cake and ice cream at my sons birthday party. Shame on me! Seriously. Guess what I’m about to do…hop on the elliptical and burn 300+ calories! Do you think I wouldn’t done that prior to July 23rd, 2013? Heck no!!! I would’ve vegged on the couch in a sugar coma, went to bed and wondered why I was miserable and couldn’t sleep. I’m not saying this lifestyle is easy. It’s certainly not but it’s a whole heck of a lot easier now that I’ve seen results and fought for the past 7 months for this beautiful body! I know what’s at stake and I’m not about to throw it all away. I’m earning this life and I deserve it!

Holy Yoga Batman!

So it’s 11 pm and I just finished 15 minutes of boot camp and ended with 20 minutes of yoga. Yesterday my cousin Kim introduced me to Advocare’s Can You 24 workout DVD and I fell in love! I hadn’t done workout videos since the old high school days of Tae Bo and Billy Blanks on the stage in PE! While tonight, I didn’t do the CU 24, I decided to see what workout videos I could find on our Roku. I found these on Netfit and it’s free but has ads in the middle of the workouts. The boot camp was quick and the exercises were totally doable and I didn’t feel like I was dying and wanted to stop short. The yoga was sooooo relaxing and I had forgotten how much I enjoyed yoga!

When I was in college, on a whim I decided to go to a yoga class and really enjoyed it but didn’t know anyone there and I made too many excuses not to go. Lol! I’m seriously thinking of finding a place to go again. I feel so relaxed and loose. My joints are just…so lax now. It’s hard to describe but I tingled and popped and then I just took a minute to reconnect with my body. Just so invigorating!

I’m sure if you’ve been following me you know I’ve been in a slump. I have been lovingly referring to it as my 4 day pity party. I’m over it tonight. I can’t tell you what tomorrow will hold but tonight I’m feeling like a million bucks! Today I have laughed til I cried, I have prayed with my cousin, called and left messages for several people that I love, baked yummy things for my kids and husband, made a fun Valentines day plan for he and I before he goes to work tomorrow. (I laid out steaks to grill and hopefully we’ll wat at the table, kid free. Real exciting, I know.) I made an appointment to have a yearly physical done next week and have my blood work done.

I have some things to pray about and talk about with Tim. I’m seriously considering joining Advocare. I’m sure it’ll change a lot of things for me and it’s something I’ll have to devote an entire blog post to. I do know that I need to change some things up in order to see new results. I’m starting to feel excited again for what the future hold for me and this temple God gave me. Hallelujah for sunshine!!!

Bathroom lessons with my daughter

Today must be one of those days where moms everywhere just needed to dress up a little, curl their hair, wear some makeup and feel pretty instead of frumpy. I saw several posts about it on my Facebook news feed and Instagram today and several very pretty selfies. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I had to work at the farm bureau office and took full advantage of the opportunity to wear something besides baggy tshirts and stretchy drawstring waisted pants. I put on a fair amount of makeup (which is a lot for me because I seldom wear it) and I curled my hair a new way today. I felt like a 9 today. I also put on a cloak of confidence and I was fully dressed to impress. I am not a vain person and I struggle with the idea of whether I’m pretty or not. I always wanted to be the pretty girl that didn’t know she was. Does that make sense? Lol! I also wanted to just be naturally pretty without being all fakey. I think one of the most beautiful women I know is my Grandmother Betty. She never wears much makeup and she doesn’t go to the beauty shop to get her hair fixed but she just glows with beauty every time I see her. She is someone that is beautiful and probably doesn’t know she is.

The thing I most strive for in life is to be a good example for my children in a lot of areas. Today Albany was in cheer camp and they got to cheer at the game tonight. She loves to dress up and put on the girly makeup and let me fix her hair. I think there is a time and a place for all things and tonight was the night she was a performer and makeup was a must. ๐Ÿ˜‰ so I got her all dolled up and she had some little pink rhinestones that stuck on her cheek. Absolutely adorable and all her friends were telling her how pretty she looked. I loved seeing her get all giggly and girly with her cheerleader friends tonight but nothing compares to how happy and proud I felt in the bathroom with her afterwards.

I was standing in the bathroom in just my baggy old tshirt and undies and had just taken my makeup off. I put my hair in a messy ponytail and put on my old glasses instead of my fancier pair. Albany came in and asked me if I could take her ballerina bun out and if id help her take her makeup off. I helped her wipe it all off and she looked up at me and said “mommy, you look so pretty just how you are.”

It’s so funny how I spent an hour this morning putting myself all together and making myself feel pretty by painting up a pretty picture on the outside but I felt the most beautiful right after she said that. It was after I had stripped all that other stuff away that made her think I was beautiful.

It took me a minute to pull myself together and think of what to say. I told her thank you and explained how it’s fun to wear makeup and do our hair sometimes but we’re pretty just the way we are, without all that. She just smiled at me and gave me the biggest hug as a tear formed in my eye. If only we all could see ourselves through our children’s eyes…

That was my lesson learned in the bathroom tonight. Here’s a picture of her and I after our treasured chat. Fresh and so clean clean! ๐Ÿ˜‰

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Today…I’m not winning

Today I’m not winning. I’m not being a great inspirational example. I’m not a super fantastic mom who bakes and cleans and gives spontaneous hugs. I’m not a kitchen opera singer or a cheery stair climber. I’m not a happy wife waiting to shower her husband with kisses and hot tea after shoveling snow. I’m not a jovial dog owner. I’m not a happy texter ending all my outgoing texts with smiley faces and Lol’s. I’m not even a good tv watcher, I’ve griped or complained about every single commercial that has annoyed me. I’m not a determined snow shoveler or a strong ellipticizer.

I am under that dang black cloud of rage and sadness that I can never seem to avoid in February. I’m so ashamed and overwhelmed by it. It’s only February 5th…how am I going to make I the rest of the days? I have yelled at every member of this family including dogs and I’m so sick of myself. I’ve considered locking myself in the bathroom until everyone just leaves me alone but I can’t. I have people who need me. No time for that. I so desperately wanted to believe that if I lost 50 lbs and tried really hard that depression wouldn’t affect me this time. I’ve always been the person that thought “oh, that won’t happen to me.” And inevitably, it does.

It’s hard for me to be so vulnerable and share my feelings so openly on this blog but I have tried everything…everything to get out from under this dark cloud today. I don’t know what else to do and I don’t have a plan in place. That’s really hard for me. Not having a plan. I guess I’ve taken the hard first step, admitting I’m in this rut. Now I need to find the courage and determination to take the next step and the next step. You always hear the phrase, “Tomorrow’s a new day.” Well I’m going to say the next minute is a new minute. I may have flopped and ruined the past 300 minutes with my awful behavior and mood, the rest of them today don’t have to be awful. Apologies can be made for the hurtful yelling I did and hugs can be given. Unfortunately it’s a lot harder to apologize and hug yourself but I’m going to try. Then I’ll make a plan…

Fight SAD February

So it’s February first and I’m notorious for not finishing what I start sometimes. So please don’t be too disappointed in me if I don’t post every single day this month. In a previous post I talked about preventative maintenance. So today I acted on it and tried to achieve my 7 goals. Here’s a quick recap of today and how I met my goals.

1. Keep busy. I made a big breakfast for the kids, helped Bowdy clean and purge some of the toys in his room, I gave him a haircut and both kids baths and then went to my parents got a birthday dinner for my brother.

2. Get out of the house once a week. See above.

3. Photo a day diary. Well, I didn’t get too creative today but I did take this photo after loading the wood stove. It always intrigues me to see how the dogs and cats always follow the same path in our yard. This is their snow path.

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4. Go outside and thank God. Tonight I left the kids to spend the night at my parents so I came home by myself. We’ll, the snow was too deep for my car to make it up the driveway. We have a decent size circle drive. So I parked at the bottom, left my lights on, and went to shoveling. I was feeling pretty awesome. I was shoveling the driveway and getting in a good workout and that meant I could skip the elliptical. I got it all done after about 50 minutes, went to my car and it wouldn’t start. I laughed out loud. I literally cracked up. Then I sat there and talked to God. I thanked him for my strength to shovel the drive and my sense of humor about it. I also thanked him for my big old black lab, Candy, who kept me company while I shoveled. It was all quite humorous.

5. Pray for someone different every day. This one was easy today. My cousin that lives in France and I had been chatting today on Facebook and she told me about a friend if gets that lives in the Ukraine. She talked about how terrible things are there right now with the government. She said that he has 3 kids and is really scared. Right then I decided that he would be my person to pray for. I couldn’t think of anyone else today that needed it more.

6. Tell my husband thank you for something. I wasn’t very good about this one today. I did tell him thank you for cleaning the snow off my car this morning. I was grumbling at him before that so I’m thinking it might cancel it out. Who knows. I’ll work on it tomorrow.

7. Have a real conversation with my kids. This was super easy today because it’s Saturday and we had all kinds of conversations today. My favorite was when we were having dessert tonight. We were eating my Grabdmother Betty’s angelfood cake and it is simply divine. Seriously the best I’ve ever had. We usually have it for every birthday. Anyway I hear Bowdy say to Albany “I bet this is what the angels eat. It’s so good!” Cracked me up.

That’s all for tonight. In case I forget to mention it, I will hashtag all my February diary photos on Instagram with the hashtag #fightSADfebruary so it’ll be kind of fun to look back at then end of the month and see them all. Night!