Today…I’m not winning

by kristinwood

Today I’m not winning. I’m not being a great inspirational example. I’m not a super fantastic mom who bakes and cleans and gives spontaneous hugs. I’m not a kitchen opera singer or a cheery stair climber. I’m not a happy wife waiting to shower her husband with kisses and hot tea after shoveling snow. I’m not a jovial dog owner. I’m not a happy texter ending all my outgoing texts with smiley faces and Lol’s. I’m not even a good tv watcher, I’ve griped or complained about every single commercial that has annoyed me. I’m not a determined snow shoveler or a strong ellipticizer.

I am under that dang black cloud of rage and sadness that I can never seem to avoid in February. I’m so ashamed and overwhelmed by it. It’s only February 5th…how am I going to make I the rest of the days? I have yelled at every member of this family including dogs and I’m so sick of myself. I’ve considered locking myself in the bathroom until everyone just leaves me alone but I can’t. I have people who need me. No time for that. I so desperately wanted to believe that if I lost 50 lbs and tried really hard that depression wouldn’t affect me this time. I’ve always been the person that thought “oh, that won’t happen to me.” And inevitably, it does.

It’s hard for me to be so vulnerable and share my feelings so openly on this blog but I have tried everything…everything to get out from under this dark cloud today. I don’t know what else to do and I don’t have a plan in place. That’s really hard for me. Not having a plan. I guess I’ve taken the hard first step, admitting I’m in this rut. Now I need to find the courage and determination to take the next step and the next step. You always hear the phrase, “Tomorrow’s a new day.” Well I’m going to say the next minute is a new minute. I may have flopped and ruined the past 300 minutes with my awful behavior and mood, the rest of them today don’t have to be awful. Apologies can be made for the hurtful yelling I did and hugs can be given. Unfortunately it’s a lot harder to apologize and hug yourself but I’m going to try. Then I’ll make a plan…