The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Month: March, 2014

“I just want to be fat again”

Yes. Yes. I actually said that today. And while that phrase scares me, confessing it is slightly freeing too. Let me first clarify though. I dont really want to gain back those 55 lbs and live my life wallowing in cupcakes, depression and infertility. I miss the security of my fat body. Today I had a sad stupid moment when I slipped on my expensive Sperry’s that I wanted so badly last year and they were at least a whole size too big. It was an emotion that I had to really ponder on today and try to shake away. Rather than eating my sorrows away today, I faced my emotions and I’m holding myself accountable to them. In the rest of this post I’m going to be very open and candid. I always promised honesty so that’s what you’re gonna get.

I miss being able to know my size and order clothes and shoes online. Yesterday I got my newest workout clothes from Lane Bryant and the top was too big. It was good and bad. It was good because it was a full 3 sizes smaller than the size I ordered when I began this journey but it was bad because it was expensive and hard to ship back. I am still waiting for my Old Navy order to come in to see if any of those shirts fit. I ordered some cheap $5 shirts from them because I have hardly any scrounge around the house shirts that I can wear when I cook or get dirty. I won’t feel too bad though if they don’t fit. They were cheap.

I hate the expectations and judgements people have of me now. Before when I weighed 265 lbs, people didn’t really say anything about my body but now when I go out and about, I feel like everyone is looking at me. Some may be admiring my success and some may be jealous sone may even be inspired. I’d like to think that there are more positive thoughts though than negative but sadly the negativity still exists. I feel like I will forever be judged now. I will never be able to just exist. Someone will always remember that I used to be morbidly obese. It’s a small town here, no one forgets anything. lol!

I am very insecure now about my boobs (and other parts). Lol! This is the really scary part to put out there. I used to really like that I had bigger boobs. They were a joke as to why I never used to run. I always used to laugh that I could’ve worn a smaller size shirt if it wasn’t for my chest. Now they’re basically skin. There’s not near as much mass to them and I feel like they just exist. They flatten out and disappear when I lay on my back and I have to squish the skin into a bra like play dough just to be supported. It is really affecting me and I’m still working through the emotions. I won’t go into it any further on the World Wide Web but just know that it’s a hard topic for me.

I sometimes miss the comfort food used to provide. The feelings of eating three cupcakes at midnight when I was sad Tim was at work used to be comforting. Now I would feel so guilty over eating just one cupcake, it would send my mind reeling and trying to plan my workout to burn it off. I know that’s the way it should be but it’s exhausting. The guilt is a yucky feeling that I’m starting to despise. I am still searching for the replacement for the comfort eating I used to do. Now I work really hard to confront those feelings instead of turning to cupcakes and chocolate but I’m still working through it.

I want to know when I can be done. I want to see light at the end if the tunnel soon and know when I’ve lost enough. I want to feel comfortable again and just stop all the change for a while. I know that it’s good change but I don’t really like a lot of change at once all the time. I just want the train to stop for a while so I can get out and stretch my legs.

The number one feeling that I want to rid my mind of now is judgement towards others. I hate to be judged but I hate judging others even more but I can’t stop. I’m not sure where the feelings come from but when I’m out and about I see an overweight person at the Chinese buffet filling plate after plate and I truly look into their eyes now and see sadness. I see their stretched skin and subtle limp from carrying too much weight on their ankles and knees. I feel like a mind reader because I can see the sorrow in their soul and know something is missing for them. I pity them and I get angry at them and I want to change them but I can’t. It’s a vicious circle of sadness for me. I just want that sadness to stop. I just want to mind my own dang business and worry about myself. I’m such a sensitive person and I have always wanted to please and to help when I can. I have to keep working on the fact that I can’t change anyone. I can only change myself.

I want to apologize if this is your first time reading my blog and you think I’m an ungrateful little wench. Lol! I also don’t want my thoughts to make you want to give up because we all know that the pot of gold at the end if the rainbow is worth so much more than these tiny twinges of longing I’m experiencing right now. The bigger picture is going to be beautiful and bright and colorful. My life at 160 is going to be full of so much more happiness than it was at 265. I just need to keep reminding myself that I want that shiny sparkly life and not the dull drab, sad one. Here’s to the happiness and future moments worth working towards! No more living in the past!

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I’m going to try to be brave

I finished the Can You 24 workout DVD from Advocare. I did it for 24 days and I saw great results. (Wow didnt that sound just like an infomercial for weightloss products. LOL!) I dont want to sound like a pushy salesperson so I’m just going to put it out there for you…Did I see results in just 24 days? Yes. Would I have seen the same results from some other workout in that same amount of time? Maybe. Am I glad I did this? Absolutely! Why? This workout is 24 minutes for 24 days and you get to rest on the weekends or do an optional core stretch workout. It’s easy. You can workout at your level and you dont feel like you’re dead and want to eat 3 donuts when you’re done. LOL! If you want to see the results, here’s the part where I have to be brave….I’m going to post my measurements below and weight…it’s kinda scary!

 

2/24/14 – chest 45 inches                                                    3/19/14 – chest 44 inches                         lost 1 inch

               waist 45 inches                                                                    waist 42.5 inches                       lost 2.5 inches

               hips 46 inches                                                                     hips 45 inches                           lost 1 inch

               thigh 24 inches                                                                    thigh 24 inches                         stayed the same

               bicep 14 inches                                                                   bicep 13 inches                        lost 1 inch

               weight 213.8                                                                        weight 210                                lost 3.8 lbs 

 

I’m not going to lie, when I took my measurements and my “after” pictures today, I was kinda feeling let down. I am thankful for the loss but I was feeling like I wish the pictures had a huge wow factor or that the loss was really drastically obvious. But it’s not. I could take this as a moment to whine and complain and plan out a huge hit it hard plan of only eating clean and training hard for the next month buuuuut…I wont. You see this entire journey for me has been one that I wanted to maintain for the rest of my life. Can I really continue living on just whole foods for the next 60+ years? Heck no! Can I really go to the gym and “lift heavy” as so many of my inspirations refer to it? Heck no!

 

Here’s the deal. I’m seeing results every single day. They are not quick easy fast results but they are happening. I follow a ton of people on Facebook and Instagram that are such huuuge inspirations to me because they have lost so much weight and have toned their bodies beautifully. In one hand, they inspire me a ton but in the other hand, I am falling victim to the weight loss fiasco. I want it and I want it now. I need to continue being patient with myself and working at a pace that I can maintain. Today I went out and ran/walked/jogged 1.9 miles. It was hard and I felt like giving up and then I beat myself up for not running more of it and jogging instead. I wanted to be able to run at least a whole mile straight and I can’t. Do you know why? Because I’m still fat and out of shape and I have asthma and I’m still training my body. Did you catch that last part….STILL TRAINING MY BODY! I need to stop expecting myself to be at the same level as these fit beautiful losers. I am not there YET but I will be. I kept seeing these quotes that said stuff about not comparing your middle to someone elses end or something like that and it now rings true to me. I’m just going to keep on doing what I’ve been doing and continue to do my best. Haven’t written to myself in a while so I thought it was fitting to tell myself some things. 

 

Dear Kristin,

I am so proud of how far you’ve come. I am so happy for you and your ability to see the glass as half full. You are a strong, driven and beautiful woman who should be commended for losing 55 lbs thus far. When people compliment you, say “Thank you” and be proud. Do not cower and mumble something about still having a long ways to go. You are right where you’re supposed to be at this very moment. Do not get frustrated and impatient with the results and crash and burn diet and exercise. You’re in this for the long haul and it’s not going to be easy but I can assure you that it’s going to be easier than it has been. You’ve come a long way and you’re over the hump now. You know how your body works and you know how to do this. You just need patience and to continue to put forth the effort. You deserve this happy life and all that comes with it. Swimsuit season is coming up and you are going to look hotter than you have in a decade! Dont forget that! Love yourself every single day.

Love,

 

Kristin

 

 

 

Thrift stores, dining alone, grocery shopping, and tag in zebra boots

My title says it all. Lol! I had the best day ever! It’s been so long since I’ve had a simply perfect day such as today. First off I got the kids off to school and got ready in peace and quiet while I jammed to some Lea Michele. Then I headed to Kirksville to get my allergy shots. (I get 2 shots every 2 weeks) After my shots I went to the jewelry store to have my ring sized. I haven’t worn my wedding ring in at least 3 months because it was too big. I used to wear a 9.5 and they are sizing it to an 8! That’s a half size smaller than it was when Tim proposed over 10 years ago! That’s a pretty exciting nonscale victory!

After that, I decided to hit every thrift store in Kirksville. Sadly only one was open before 10 so I had to hang out until the others opened. Here’s just a few of my steals.

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I didn’t buy the doll bed but thought it was adorable and such a crafty idea. I did but that cute little plaid crop top and my head was buzzing with the cutest ideas for summery photo shoots for the kids! I’m so excited for warm weather and green grass!

I also carried in 6 things into the fitting room at one of my favorite thrift stores and actually had to put 3 things back because they were too big. Want to hear the best part? The things I put back were a size below my old size even! So I got a pair of jeans, a short sleeved shirt, and a long sleeved shirt for myself for under $15! It was awesome.

When I got to the car and was texting my best friend it hit me like a ton of bricks. That is the first time I’ve ever tried on clothes in that fitting room that didn’t end in tears! THAT is why I do it. Those moments right there are what remind me that I’m worth it and I deserve happy moments trying on clothes.

I found some other cute things for the kids and a scarf and new purse for me for $2. I had been looking for a different one for quite a while. Then I went to the bank and headed to lunch. I did something I never do…I dined alone in a restaurant. I even took a selfie to post for #transparenttuesday. It was crazy and exhilarating at the same time. You know what was different? I had I confidence! Before losing weight I would’ve been so self conscious to sit alone in that big booth but today I didn’t worry a about any of that. I was there to eat. I wasn’t there to let other people bother me or fret over my body. It was a really pleasant experience. I will have to try it again!

After that I went to Aldi’s and Walmart. Here’s my selfie and my before and after shots of my groceries.

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I was pretty pleased with my OCD car packing skills and my ability to stretch my budget perfectly. All in all, a great shopping trip.

This afternoon Tim and I cleaned up a tree and a bunch of sticks in our yard. It felt good to be outside with him doing something productive. We had a big fire and then cooked marshmallows on it after dinner with the kids.

The perfect ending to my day was when we played tag in the rain. It was such a beautiful moment to giggle with my little family during the foggy sunset and feel the sprinkles in my hair and on my face. We ran and screamed and played until it was almost dark and decided to head in for baths and bedtime. I’m sure I’m sounding so redundant but it was a perfectly blissful day. These are the moments I’ve been working so hard for. Running and playing and giggling with my kids and husband…oh it was beautiful! Memories I will treasure and I’m sure my kids will tell their kids about their wild and fun mommy who chased them in the yard with zebra print rain boots and sang opera at while they were in the shower. These are life’s greatest blessings.

Today is day 19

Today is day 19 of my 24 day workout DVD from Advocare and I’m really lacking motivation. I made several mistakes today though that killed my motivation. First I crocheted a huge denim rag rug for about 6 hours and my hands are killing me. Second I took a shower after crocheting that rug because I was covered in lint. After my shower I didn’t put a sports bra on. Nothing kills a workout more than not having a sports bra on. Nothing stays where it’s supposed to, you want to cry after one jumping jack and the straps just don’t stay up. Enough said.

Today I noticed that I must hide behind my glasses in selfies because I really don’t have many pictures if myself without my glasses on. So for your viewing pleasure here ya go. Totally unfiltered without a speck of makeup on and I haven’t done a thing with my hair except brush it after my shower.

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I’ve been trying really hard to grow my hair out for the past few years. But I’ll be honest, I’m disappointed that it’s so thin and seems to be falling out faster than it’s growing back in. I’ve been tossing the idea around lately of just cutting it all off. I feel like my face is finally thin enough to pull off a shorter haircut. What do you think? To cut or not to cut, that is the question. Lol!

I’m pretty in touch with the fitness and weight loss world on Facebook and Instagram lately as something has been really bothering me…these people that are essentially celebrities are cashing I on their followers. They are offering meal plans for a week for $10 and workouts for a month for $25 and so on. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great how they’re wanting to help others but they are falling into the “fast fix” generation. They’re giving people false hope. I’d like to see them offer mentoring and support rather than telling their followers what to eat or what exercises to do. They also post pictures of their Polar Fit watches along with their daily workouts to show how many calories lost and then they get all grumpy when people ask them what model it is or whatever. Sure they get sick of answering the same question but I want to ask the m “What the heck are you doing on Facebook or Instagram posting your successes when you aren’t willing to answer questions?” I just lose a lot of respect for them when they get snippy over things like that. That’s my two cent rant for the day for what it’s worth. lol!

Here’s my last random though to share with you for the night before I force myself to put a better bra on and kill my workout. Yesterday I had one if the biggest non scale victories of my life happen to me! I was walking into the school for my kids’ parent teacher conferences and met a girl head on that I have never gotten along with since high school. I was fully prepared to just say hi casually and walk on past her but she stopped me and said “Holy cow! You look great, kristin! Really, you look really awesome!” I just thanked her and went about my business but my heart was leaping afterwards! I couldn’t believe one of my arch enemies from a decade ago noticed me and said something nice to me. It was a turning point for me really. I told Tim today that I guess I didn’t realize how much 55 lbs lost makes a difference. I just assumed I didn’t look that much different because I don’t really see it much. He just grinned at me with his twinkly eyes and told me he’d always think I was cute. lol! Then I got to thinking about what I’ll look like at 160 lbs once I reach my ultimate goal. I’m sure if 55 lbs changes my looks, 105 lbs lost will probably make me look like a totally different person. I’m not sure how I’ll handle that. I have no idea how I see myself anymore. I have never been one to judge people by their weight. I just saw a person. I have always done the same thing with myself. I judged myself based on my heart and passions. One of my biggest prayers is that that part of me will not change. I don’t want to look at anyone based on their size and pity them or look down on them because of a number on a scale. Will I be living a happier life though because of a number on a scale? To an extent, yes…I know that losing the weight and cutting off my addiction with comfort food will give me a life I’ve never dreamed I deserved. I’m already living I ways I never thought I would. I feel like I’m worth the effort now. It’s ok for me to spend time working on me. I don’t have 2 little babies that cling to me 24/7 anymore. I’m moving to a different chapter in my life and I’m loving living it! It’s only bound to get better at this rate! 🙂

Day 16

I know I haven’t blogged in a while so I thought if give a quick update. Today is day 16 of the 24 day workout. I’m feeling pretty good about the workout. I’m not sore so I always wonder if I’m doing any good. The answer to that is yes! I am doing good things for my body even though I’m not sore ! I did some research and the reason I’m not sore is because tiny tears in inactive muscles causes soreness. First of all, my muscles are not inactive. I’ve been working out for 8 months now pretty regularly and my muscles are used to being worked. Second of all those muscles are not tearing because I’m properly hydrated. Water is basically lubrication for your body. When you are properly hydrated it allows your muscles to move with perfect fluidity therefore not causing tears. Lastly, I am keeping with a pretty balanced diet and that is allowing for muscle growth and strength. So bottom line is that you shouldn’t give up and base your progress on your soreness! Keep going, never give up!

I weighed today and lost 2.9 lbs this week!!! I am pretty dang excited because I am 1 lb away from the lightest I’ve been in a decade!!!! I’m only 10 lbs away from the 100s or ONEderland as some of the losers have called it. I’m ready and I’m excited! No cheating and giving up here.

Tim bought some new running shoes yesterday and we are about to start our training for a 5k. I’m pretty excited about that too but I’ve decided to wait a little while longer until I get over this cold and the weather is warmer yet. I’ve been running here and there lately but not a steady regimen of it. I just like to get a good mile in when I can.

It’s late and I’m off to bed. My brain has been haywire with blog ideas lately but I just have been too busy to put them all together so this quick update will have to do. I truly appreciate each and every reader and encouraging word. I do believe that you are what helps to keep me from giving up when things get hard and all I want is a cupcake and to veg on the couch. Thank you all!

Tonight I exercised in my underwear.

Yep, you read that title correctly. I exercised in my underwear. Why? Well you see today I spent the entire day making these

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Those are softball sized balls of strips of denim. I use them to make rugs. I cut up 9 pairs of jeans to make that many strips. I’m hoping to make 2 rugs with that much. I’m sure you’re wondering what that has to do with me exercising in my underwear.

You see, when you cut up thatch denim a blue dust falls everywhere. In fact, I’m rubbing blue crusties out of my eyes right now. I even have a layer of it on the top of my head and my hair looks almost gray! Anyway, I had that all over my clothes bad it was getting late and I almost decided not to do my workout tonight. I told myself all sorts of lies like “oh you can skip it tonight. It’s just the core stretch.” “You probably burned enough calories letting the dogs in and out 15 times today.” “Your diet was on point today minus the handful of M&Ms you ate. No need to burn any extra calories” Yada yada…

Truthfully, it was almost midnight and I was feeling lazy. I just didn’t want to do it. But I prevailed! I vacuumed the blue fuzz from the furniture and floor, made sure the curtains were closed, stripped my fuzzy clothes off and popped in my DVD and exercised in my underwear. I may have started a new trend. Lol! Who knows. I do know one thing though, tonight I won another battle! I’m really looking forward to a warmer day tomorrow. I plan to run a mile. Hopefully I’ll get a good time and run more than I walk. Good night all!

Today I said goodbye to some old friends

Today I said goodbye to some old friends. They have hugged me tight when I cried. They have been there while I ate myself into oblivion. They were there during my trip to the Price is Right and during the Relay for Life. They have been abused and thrown around. They were stretched tight and covered most of my awful figure.

You guessed it, my 2XL tshirts! I had mixed feelings about this because I love my big comfy tshirts. I like to sleep in baggy ones but I had been wearing them aside from bedtime and I looked like a slob lately. So I decided to get rid of all of the ones that are too baggy. As silly as it sounds I wanted to order a size large tshirt this year for the Relay for Life. It’s not until September so I’m sure I can do it!

As a small victory, I took some photos to share. Please ignore the mess in the background. I was sorting and putting clothes away.

This is me in my 2XL Relay for Life shirt that I wore last year.

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And this is me in a size XL size that I had from a few years ago that I haven’t worn until recently. Much more flattering!

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Progress is progress people!!! Keep it up! Right now I’m on Day 8 of my Can You 24 workout DVDs from Advocare. I was pretty skeptical today when I weighed. I almost didn’t want to weigh because I have been working super hard at building muscle and not as much at cardio so I was almost positive that I had gained weight. To my surprise, I had lost .9 lbs since last Wednesday!!!! Small victories baby! I am overjoyed and elated! I can’t wait to measure after these 24 days to see how many inches I’ve lost and how much progress I’ve made.

I also wanted to share how the devil has been trying to tear me down though during this challenge. Last week I completed the first days workout and it was great. The next day I was supposed to do the Core Stretch workout and it got through about the first 8 workouts and then started skipping. So I tried 2 different DVD players and then tried the second DVD (the same stretch workout is on disc 2) and it didn’t work. I contacted my cousin who is my Advocare lady and she ordered me another one. Well I did the Sculpt workout on the new DVD the other day and it worked just fine. Well, last night the Core Stretch wasn’t working the exact same spot! I couldn’t believe it! Either the batch of DVDs was bad or there’s something wrong with my players. It’s definitely strange. I can’t explain it except the the devil doesn’t want me to succeed. But I’m outsmarting him. I have just been turning on a different workout and pushing through anyway. The old me would’ve given up and ate a cookie. Lol!

I will keep succeeding and spring is right around the corner! I have so much to loom forward to!!!

I don’t care how you get there…

“I don’t care how you get there. Just get there and stay there.”

That’s a phrase I’ve been fixating on lately. Let me define “there” for you. By that I mean your goal life. I’m all about goals but I’m also quite infatuated with the journey. I’m the type of person that will start clear at the beginning of a story just to answer a small question. Calm me detail oriented but I like to think that I’m keeping you completely informed about all the background information.

I’ve heard the phrase “not to judge someone unless you’ve walked a mile in their shoes”. That might be one of my favorite pieces of advice I’ve ever heard. I’ve been getting a lot of complements lately about the way I look and it’s so exciting and also scary. People don’t know where I’ve been. They don’t see the daily battles I fight. They pin this sort of admiration on me for what I look like in that moment when really I’m shriveling inside because I might have just caved to a breakfast of hash browns and sausage gravy that day for breakfast.

In some ways I feel like Lance Armstrong after his many achievements. Then people found out he had not been honest and forthcoming about his abuse to his body. I abuse my body on a regular basis sometimes. I eat something I know I shouldn’t and then work it off. Maybe that’s exactly what I’m supposed to be doing, maybe not. All I know is that the journey is the best part of the story and often times, the part no one wants to hear about.

I just finished a book today titled She’s Come Undone. I am still struggling with words to describe it. All I know is that I was in a funk all week right alongside the character. It was so real and close to home, I felt like it was written about me. My favorite part of the book was when it describes her lowest point. She traveled several hours to where these whales were just beaching themselves for no reason. She got there and this massive whale was partly in the water and she watched and waited for her to die. And after the crowd had cleared she stripped down, got in the frigid water, swam down to look this whale in the eye and kill herself. She had come to a point in her life to where she couldn’t take it anymore. I can relate to that. I remember my lowest point just like it was yesterday. It was a terrible profound moment. I had faced lows so many times before and combated the vivid mental images of suicide. I had sat on the toilet stark naked and cut into my flesh with razor blades. I had felt the sting of rejection because I was too fat. I have held my breath while waiting in line at the airport and feared that I was too fat for the seatbelts. I have looked in the mirror and cursed myself over and over and I have pushed people away with evil words and ignorance. I didn’t love myself and I thought I never would.

After reading that chapter I wept with Dolores. I felt her anguish and pain. I saw my own reflection in the dead whales cloudy eye. I wanted to retreat and disappear. I won’t ruin the book for someone who might want to read it but I will say, that funk has lifted. I traveled her journey in that book and felt every high and low alongside her. Do I judge her now, absolutely not and I ask that anyone reading my story would refrain from judging me too. I may stumble I may fall but I’ve confronted the whale and I’ve surfaced. I’m still living to tell of my journey, whether you want to listen or not.

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