“I just want to be fat again”

by kristinwood

Yes. Yes. I actually said that today. And while that phrase scares me, confessing it is slightly freeing too. Let me first clarify though. I dont really want to gain back those 55 lbs and live my life wallowing in cupcakes, depression and infertility. I miss the security of my fat body. Today I had a sad stupid moment when I slipped on my expensive Sperry’s that I wanted so badly last year and they were at least a whole size too big. It was an emotion that I had to really ponder on today and try to shake away. Rather than eating my sorrows away today, I faced my emotions and I’m holding myself accountable to them. In the rest of this post I’m going to be very open and candid. I always promised honesty so that’s what you’re gonna get.

I miss being able to know my size and order clothes and shoes online. Yesterday I got my newest workout clothes from Lane Bryant and the top was too big. It was good and bad. It was good because it was a full 3 sizes smaller than the size I ordered when I began this journey but it was bad because it was expensive and hard to ship back. I am still waiting for my Old Navy order to come in to see if any of those shirts fit. I ordered some cheap $5 shirts from them because I have hardly any scrounge around the house shirts that I can wear when I cook or get dirty. I won’t feel too bad though if they don’t fit. They were cheap.

I hate the expectations and judgements people have of me now. Before when I weighed 265 lbs, people didn’t really say anything about my body but now when I go out and about, I feel like everyone is looking at me. Some may be admiring my success and some may be jealous sone may even be inspired. I’d like to think that there are more positive thoughts though than negative but sadly the negativity still exists. I feel like I will forever be judged now. I will never be able to just exist. Someone will always remember that I used to be morbidly obese. It’s a small town here, no one forgets anything. lol!

I am very insecure now about my boobs (and other parts). Lol! This is the really scary part to put out there. I used to really like that I had bigger boobs. They were a joke as to why I never used to run. I always used to laugh that I could’ve worn a smaller size shirt if it wasn’t for my chest. Now they’re basically skin. There’s not near as much mass to them and I feel like they just exist. They flatten out and disappear when I lay on my back and I have to squish the skin into a bra like play dough just to be supported. It is really affecting me and I’m still working through the emotions. I won’t go into it any further on the World Wide Web but just know that it’s a hard topic for me.

I sometimes miss the comfort food used to provide. The feelings of eating three cupcakes at midnight when I was sad Tim was at work used to be comforting. Now I would feel so guilty over eating just one cupcake, it would send my mind reeling and trying to plan my workout to burn it off. I know that’s the way it should be but it’s exhausting. The guilt is a yucky feeling that I’m starting to despise. I am still searching for the replacement for the comfort eating I used to do. Now I work really hard to confront those feelings instead of turning to cupcakes and chocolate but I’m still working through it.

I want to know when I can be done. I want to see light at the end if the tunnel soon and know when I’ve lost enough. I want to feel comfortable again and just stop all the change for a while. I know that it’s good change but I don’t really like a lot of change at once all the time. I just want the train to stop for a while so I can get out and stretch my legs.

The number one feeling that I want to rid my mind of now is judgement towards others. I hate to be judged but I hate judging others even more but I can’t stop. I’m not sure where the feelings come from but when I’m out and about I see an overweight person at the Chinese buffet filling plate after plate and I truly look into their eyes now and see sadness. I see their stretched skin and subtle limp from carrying too much weight on their ankles and knees. I feel like a mind reader because I can see the sorrow in their soul and know something is missing for them. I pity them and I get angry at them and I want to change them but I can’t. It’s a vicious circle of sadness for me. I just want that sadness to stop. I just want to mind my own dang business and worry about myself. I’m such a sensitive person and I have always wanted to please and to help when I can. I have to keep working on the fact that I can’t change anyone. I can only change myself.

I want to apologize if this is your first time reading my blog and you think I’m an ungrateful little wench. Lol! I also don’t want my thoughts to make you want to give up because we all know that the pot of gold at the end if the rainbow is worth so much more than these tiny twinges of longing I’m experiencing right now. The bigger picture is going to be beautiful and bright and colorful. My life at 160 is going to be full of so much more happiness than it was at 265. I just need to keep reminding myself that I want that shiny sparkly life and not the dull drab, sad one. Here’s to the happiness and future moments worth working towards! No more living in the past!