The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Month: April, 2014

I’m not gonna say it…

So I wasn’t going to say it but I’ve hit a plateau. I’ve been in denial about it for about a month now. My weight loss has slowed down considerably since the first of the year but I refuse to give up. I’m not a quitter but you know I wasn’t in this to play the game. I’ve been in this to change myself from the inside out and to never look back. I’m absolutely not going back to that lifestyle. And this picture is a perfect example why I’m not…

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Did you see that forced smile? That big old belly? Did you notice my sweet sweet girl throwing her hands up to embrace me and me not knowing what to do…my hands were in my pockets. I was so miserable and sad. I’m pretty sure I was sick from my allergies there too. Now, would you believe me if I told you that was Mothers Day of LAST YEAR?!? It was only a year ago! I look awful. I can honestly say that at that point in my life, I was truly miserable inside. I lived each day in a fog of exhaustion and depression. I fought anxiety on a daily basis. I had no idea how to handle awkward social situations. I usually smiled that fake smile and nervously giggled my way through things.

I was not on cloud nine and I rarely had good days. A few weeks ago I posted a Facebook status that said I was so thankful that my bad days are getting fewer and fewer and my good days have turned to great days! I’m not saying that losing 57 lbs will make you high on life. What I am saying is that my life is better now that it had been the past decade. Why? Because I’ve finally defeated my demons more often than they’ve defeated me. I have not considered self harm in so long. I have not buried my face in my dogs fur and cried my eyes out in months. I haven’t screamed profanities at the wind in forever.

I have truly become someone I’m proud of now. That person in that pathetic picture was a skeleton of what I am now. My heart was blackening back then. It’s pumping beautifully now. It’s full of life’s pleasures and the ribbons and rainbows far outweigh the black charred ashes that used to consume me.

Every single day is new and fresh. I know I saw a number on the scale today that I haven’t seen in years! I knew I would get here. I knew this day would come that I’m literally one little leap from my first big goal. I had faith in myself and my God that I could do this with his help. I have never once thought I couldn’t. Failure was not going to happen this time.

Do you know what I am struggling with right now? Patience. I am losing patience every single week when I weigh in and the numbers barely move. I feel like I mostly eat like a bird and exercise 3-5 times a week. Which is totally something I can maintain without purposely doing it. I going to have to change things up. Set new goals…again. Form a new plan for getting there. I know I will get to ONEderland. I know I will achieve that goal and I know I will run a solid mile instead of intervals like I am now. What I don’t know is how to get myself regrouped without running my mind in circles to the point of making myself crazy over it.

Here’s an example: so I want to work out more often but I don’t want my body to go into survival mode and start storing fat. So in order to combat that I tell myself it’s ok to eat more because I’m burning more calories. In the meantime, I’m trying to be frugal and not frivolously go buy groceries any old time I feel like it. It’s absolutely silly but last week I figured out that I’m a broccoli hoarder. The last time I hit the grocery store I bought 4 bags of my favorite frozen broccoli. Do you know how long I kept those in the freezer because I was trying to make them last?!? A month!!! I had them a month before I even touched them! It’s not like they’re expensive or that they’re hard to come by. I just had a hoarder mentality and was being crazy! Lol!

Step one of plateau breaking plan…buy the dang groceries! Go to the store once a week and get the “good” stuff. The stuff you know you’ll eat like broccoli, cauliflower, salad, bananas, apples, grapes…eat all things good and stop feeling guilty about spending that money! You’ve gotta eat, why not eat good things?

Step two…really truly exercise on a regular schedule. Every day of the week! Do you remember when I first started this and I would get on the elliptical faithfully every night, even the weekends? Welp, I’m gonna have to do that again. I’m going to make a May exercise chart and just schedule my fitness for every single day! 31 days of fitness! Who’s with me? We can do this! 30 minutes every day! I can and I will!

Step 3…operation love yourself! I’m gonna treat myself like a queen ! I’m going to keep my toenails painted, shave my legs every day, keep my heels all smooth and girly, buy fancy underwears, brush my teeth twice a day, and put in clean clothes every day. No more letting myself go. Not that I turn all Skankarella on a regular basis but for the month of May, I’m going to love myself and appreciate my strengths. Be ready for a month of “I cans”. So, starting right now I’m going to finish the sentence. I can…jump off this plateau and win another battle!

Mind games

I don’t usually play mind games with myself when it comes to exercise. I usually just make my mind up to do it and I do it. But today I’ve been spinning and spinning around the idea of running or doing my DVD or something. Tim had to go to training today and the kids are off to school so I’m all alone today. I have a dentist appointment at 1:00 (which I am dreading) and I need to get my allergy shots today so I need to leave in a couple hours. I think a run sounds fun and refreshing but it’s kinda chilly outside. Then I think “Kristin, just a few months ago you were running outside on a 40* day and thought it was a dang heat wave!” So then I think I’ll go run but yet I’m still sitting here thinking about the protein shake I just drank and how I hate that feeling of liquid sloshing in my belly when I run. I’m weighing tomorrow and I have a feeling it’s not gonna be a loss. I haven’t eaten the best the past weekend and I’ve consumed way too many sweets and chocolate. Mom pretty sure all the exercise in the world today isn’t going to produce a great loss reflected tomorrow.

People ask me what keeps me motivated to keep exercising. I’m honestly not sure but most of the time there’s a tiny voice in my head saying “you know that nice butt and curvy muscular legs you want? Well you’re not gonna get them without earning them so get up and DO something! “. That little inner voice pep talk usually does it for me. Lol!

So right now I’m going to put on my sports bra, socks, ankle brace, extra jacket and I’m going to go blow 400 calories out of the water! I’m gonna free my mind of the negative thoughts and let the wind bring tears to my eyes and I’m gonna keep earning that butt I want! Try the pep talk people, it works. 😉

Playtime!

So I’m sitting here with KitKat on my breath and the urge to blog hits me. Mostly because I had a quiet moment while the kids play Super Mario next to me. I was trying to reflect on the highs and lows of my day. Here’s a little recap…

6:25 am-got up
6:45 am-both kids are dressed and sitting at the table eating breakfast
7:20 am-bus picks up kids and shower time for momma
8:00 am-hit the road for the assembly at school
8:30 am-character assembly. Albany got an academic award for getting 100% on EVERY spelling test this year! So stinking proud of her!
9:20-noon-hit some garage sales with my mom, ran errands around town, visited my bestie at work, grabbed lunch
12:00 pm-met some friends and their kids at the park to eat lunch and walk
12:20-1:20 walked at the park (woo for exercise and sunshine!)
1:20-3:10 garage saled and visited with a couple cousins
3:15 picked up kids from school and took them to Casey’s for a slushy. Unfortunately the Cookie Monster reached out and slapped me and I indulged in a cookie and root beer. Not my finest hour…
4:05 got home from town
4:30-5:30 did a quick photoshoot with the kids. So fun!
5:30 an awesome client stopped by to pick up a cd and had a good visit.
6:00 fixed the kids supper and had a banana.
7:00 jumped on the trampoline until dark. Another win! Albany told me on the trampoline tonight, “Mommy, you’re a lot funner to play with now that you lost a little weight.” Lol! She just tells it like it is. Wonder where she gets that character trait! 😉
8:15-now snuggled on the couch winding down from the day.

It’s been such a great day! I so wish we lived in a climate like this all the time. I truly feel like the weather plays a huge role in my attitude and moods. I don’t mind getting active outside when it’s not yucky out. I may have caved to a cookie and pop today, I also exercised and kept active. I even got some sun on my face! Not going to feel one bit bad about my day. Sayonara negative thoughts of guilt and gluttony over that cookie…hello life!!!!

Just a few FAQs

I have been getting a ton of questions lately and I have been having a hard time answering all of them and I start to feel super duper guilty and hope I dont forget anyone so I thought I would compile a list of some frequently asked questions and answer them here. If you have any, feel free to message me on Facebook or comment below. I love to help others and I would loooove to be your mentor and motivator if you want/need it. 🙂

 

1. How much weight have you lost and how much did you weigh at your heaviest? 

In February of 2013 I weighed my heaviest at 265 lbs. July 2013 I got serious about the weight and tackled it head on. Now I am down 56 lbs and weigh 209. (I weight in tomorrow morning and I’m hoping for a big loss so hopefully those numbers will change. 😉

 

2. How did you lose it?

Diet, exercise, prayer and encouragement. I didnt do any fad diets. I started out by setting goals then I figured out the best way to achieve them. I had a $50 garage sale elliptical and started doing it every night. I counted my calories on the My Fitness Pal app and I tried to eat more proteins, fruits and vegetables. I will eat carbs in moderation but I always pair them with a protein. If I have a half cup of mashed potatoes, I will have at least a half cup of meat or cottage cheese. I learned the food groups and watched my portions. I started looking at food as fuel for my body and a necessity instead of a pleasure. I pray daily and through nearly every workout. I try to make exercise my time with God and I make it a goal to pray for someone else while I’m working out. God usually puts people on my heart and I pray specifically for them. I received so much encouragement from my cousin Kim and I feel like I owe her a thousand thank yous. LOL! She’s been with me every step of this journey and I’m so glad to have a great partner in crime. HAHA!

 

3. Why did you want to lose weight?

I want to LIVE! I want to live my life to the very fullest and be happy. I can honestly say that at one point, I was at the bottom of the bottom and I didnt care whether I lived or died. I was desperate for something deeper in my life. I wasnt ready to acknowledge what I had become. I was depressed, sad, angry, selfish, and bitter all the time. I was tired of putting on my happy face and pretending I was all right when I was just screaming on the inside. I wanted a purpose. I wanted people to be proud of me. I wanted to achieve something. God had a big plan for me and still does. I work daily at this lifestyle change and I will tell you that it’s worth it. Besides my marriage and family, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to work for. It takes effort and drive and determination and grit and bravery. I’m proving to myself that I have every bit of that and then some and that’s pretty awesome to me.

 

4. What kinds of exercise do you do?

I started out doing the elliptical every day then I added running/walking/jogging. About 2 months ago I started using Advocare’s Can You 24 workout DVDs (which I LOOOOVE!) and I am still running/walking/jogging at least 3 days a week. I really try to just live an active lifestyle. I jump on the trampoline with my kids, play tag, cut wood with my husband, go for walks in the woods, fly kites…I incorporate activities into my life as often as possible.

 

5. Where did you buy your workout clothes and sports bras?

 

Lane Bryant is the absolute best place for bras and running pants. I love their control waist yoga capris. They have 2 levels of elastic around the waist and they do NOT fall down when I run. I hate to be fussing over clothes when I’m exercising! I just buy cheapie Danskin racerback tanks and jackets from Wal-Mart though. No need to spend a fortune on those. They’re breathable and easy to layer without a bunch of bulk. I wear Asics and Nike tennis shoes to run in. I say to definitely buy a pair that is comfortable and a little expensive. It’s so worth it! I always wear just a plain old head band and ponytail and my Lance Armstrong earbuds that a sweet client gave me as a gift. 

 

6. Where do you find time to exercise and eat right?

I’ll be honest, I’m spoiled to death right now. I am a stay at home mom, with no kids at home. They’re both in school so I have daytime to exercise and I usually try to squeeze a run in in the afternoon. I did the elliptical at night after I tucked them in and I do my workout DVDs now after they’re in bed. I am NOT a morning person so early morning workouts are a very rare occurance around here. I plan ahead before I go anywhere to eat. If I go to Kirksville for my allergy shots every other Tuesday, I plan ahead where I’m going to have lunch and what I’m going to eat. If I plan to eat a heavier meal, I will eat lighter for breakfast and dinner. I try really hard to balance out my day. I always take snacks with me if I’m going to be filling in at the Farm Bureau office in town. That way I wont be tempted to hit the grocery store and have a candy bar. I pack water with me everywhere I go and drink it often.

 

That’s all I can think of right now but if you have questions, let me know and I’ll get them answered. I will try to be more specific in another episode. 🙂 Have a great week! 

This might seem silly

This is gonna seem kinda silly to some but I just had to share.

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Yep. That’s my knees curled up in front of me in the car BETWEEN me and the steering wheel. I can remember a time when the seatbelt was starting to get tight and I was scared to death it wouldn’t fit across me and buckle. And now I can do this!!!

Never take your silly non scale victories for granted. They ARE victories and they’re paving the way for an ultimate win!

Go ahead…ignore that “No Trespassing” sign

So I’ve been feeling guilty about not blogging. But I have been so busy lately being a rockin awesome person that I haven’t really had time to sit a ponder life’s mysteries. Ok ok so really I’ve been trying to keep up on the usual life stuff like laundry, cleaning, dishes and mommy stuff. That still seems funny to post because as I wrote that I kept seeing pictures flash in my mind of the counter covered in dirty dishes and the load of blankets sitting in the washer that needs to go out on the clothesline. I try, I really do, to keep up housework but lately it’s been gorgeous outside and I’m taking my grandmother’s advice about enjoying things with my kids while they’re little.

Thursday I helped them climb over a barbed wire fence and explore the land behind our house in search of deer sheds and creek bottoms. It was a beautiful day and so much fun! We walked so much that our dogs’ legs were tired. lol! Ruby and Candy went along for the adventure too. Albany told me that “Today is the awesomest day ever!” And of course that made my head swell and I completely forgot about those stinky dishes.

Then yesterday I took them to the park and they played for 2+ hours while I walked the walking path with some friends and enjoyed girly chitty chat. After that, we hit a thrift store and then went to a state park and walked some trails down by the river. They discovered so many pretty flowers and saw a gray squirrel. It was awesome too! I decided that that’s what living is really about. Teaching my son not to be afraid of a steep path and having the strength and bravery to attempt something frightening. It’s about teaching your daughter not to pick those gorgeous flowers because they’ll just die but instead to capture their beauty with a picture instead. It’s about holding their hand tight when they reach for yours and walking side by side on an adventure. It’s about spending time and paying attention to everything their little minds soak in.

It wasn’t two full days filled with rainbows and unicorns but I’m choosing to see it that way because for so so very long, I chose to live closed off and disconnected from my life. I was their mommy and I thought by being present in their life was enough but it really wasn’t. I need to be actively present. This new lifestyle of mine has made me really want to get my legs active and hop over that fence and see what’s on the other side, figuratively and otherwise.

This really isn’t the direction I intended for this post to go but it’s like any good thing, it took off on it’s own and my thoughts came pouring out. I’m over Galway to my goal weight. I’ve lost 56 lbs and I have 49 left to go.

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I’ve seen what’s on the other side of the fence, I’ve experienced a little bit of it and it’s glorious, truly glorious. I’m a whole new person really. I have a new outlook and a new perspective now. I actually want to be better for my kids. I want to be better for my husband and my friends and most importantly…for me.

Take a hop over that fence and trespass a little on something you never thought you’d experience. Change your life for the better, whether it be by losing weight, reading that book you’ve wanted to finish, baking that cherished family apple pie recipe, or painting a mural…just do it. Just try it. You never know what kind of experience you would’ve missed if you hadn’t!

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Needed a little encouragement here lately

I’ve been feeling like I haven’t achieved much lately. It’s like the 56 lbs I’ve lost aren’t real. Does that make sense? It’s been so slow going and I look at myself in the mirror daily and it’s not a drastic change so it’s hard to really see it for myself. I’ve talked about this feeling so many times with Tim. He keeps telling me to look at the pictures from the Relay for Life last year in June 2013. I can honestly say those are the absolute worst pictures of myself I’ve ever seen! I blocked them out of my memory they were so bad! So when I found them tonight, I wept.

I cried because I remember how embarrassed I was when I ordered that shirt in a size 2XL and it was still tight and I had to stretch it all out. I remember picking out those pants thinking how comfy they were and they were breezy. Did you know they were MATERNITY pants? I’m so ashamed to admit that I had been wearing maternity pants for so long to accommodate my huge belly! I remember after seeing those shots I had decided that I was going to wear a size large shirt this year. I didn’t know then how to get there but that was my unspoken goal. It is still a goal of mine and I fully intend to stay true to it!

Here’s some proof of the horrible pictures I was talking about! The photo on the left was at my heaviest at 265 lbs and the right was just a few weeks ago and I was down about 55 lbs.

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It’s crazy but Tim was right! I can see it in those pictures! I seriously spent the past 20 minutes saving old photos from Facebook to my phone so I have some more “before” pictures. I look do sad and embarrassed in almost all of them. I hate that about myself. I hate the flood of sadness when I see those awful photos. I have crazy mixed feelings right now that I can’t quite put to words but seeing the before and afters makes my mind up…I’m doing the right thing and whether or not I look any different from yesterday is silly to think about. These pictures don’t lie. I’m choosing happiness!

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Down 56 lbs and I won’t stop until I’m where I want to be! I can’t wait until these “after” pictures become “befores”!

Been feeling a little less than adequate lately…

So this morning I went through my usual routine after the kids get started on their breakfast. First I settle in on the couch with a blanket and a big glass of water and then I check Facebook and Instagram and email then I’m done. Lately I had been “liking” or “following” women and a few men who inspire me. It’s really nice to see some inspirational quotes and motivating pictures first thing in the morning. Today the bottom just fell out of that plan. I stumbled across 2 pictures that one of those pages had shared and both of them were women whining and complaining about being fat their whole lives and how miserable they felt until they lost all this weight blah blah blah. I read a little further and they both started out weighing 180 and 210! I was furious! They don’t even know what obesity is! I’ve been fighting for 8 months at the borderline of morbidly obese to get down to their starting weight! I was so ticked, I immediately unfollowed them. Maybe I’m petty and judgy but that doesn’t make me feel motivated. That doesn’t make me feel proud for how far I’ve come. That just makes me feel fat. I decided to just remove that negativity from my life and not feel guilty about it. I’m sure they needed some inspiring and motivational models when they first started out too and I hope they keep it up but I don’t want to read it.

Anyways, that’s my rant for the day. Lol! I hope I can continue motivating people but if I can’t motivate and inspire everyone, no big deal. I’m not doing it for them anyway. I’m doing it for me. 🙂

Yoo Hoo big summah blow out sale!

I don’t know why that popped into my head but I’ve been watching and quoting way too much Frozen here lately with the kids. It is such a fun and beautiful movie. If you haven’t seen it, you should! When I first saw it in the theaters it had a huge impact on me and still does. The messages in it are amazing!

Anyway that title started out as a “Yoo hoo!” Because I feel like I haven’t blogged in forever! I’ve been insanely busy lately with Albany’s birthday and getting ready for our Relay for Life kickoff meeting tomorrow night. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been a little lax on the diet and exercise on Friday and Saturday. I ate things like chips and ketchup, cupcakes, and pizza and I even had a Mountain Dew in there somewhere. I told myself tons of lies while I was enjoying my sins but then I acknowledged one huge truth…it wasn’t the end of the world. Today I started fresh with my fitness pal app and counted calories. I had salad for lunch and stuck to my calories and even had enough to spare to indulge in some ice cream with strawberries.

I did some work around the yard today and carried some pretty heavy cinder blocks, rocks and logs. I was beat afterwards. It was such a beautiful day. I guess what I’m saying is that just because I made mistakes two days in a row, doesn’t mean I’m not on track. Today was a fresh new sunshiny day and I’m proud that I’ve overcome those obstacles.

Here goes another of my favorite Disney quotes “just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming swimming swimming!” Have a great week!!! >

March was not my month

I’m guessing March must’ve been a hard month for a lot of people. I follow several weight loss inspirations on Facebook and this morning I saw several posts about April being a fresh start and that March wasn’t their month. After taking a little time to reflect on March, I’ve decided that it really wasn’t my month either. I gained about 3 lbs and I have given in to too many poor eating choices (ahem…4 pieces of birthday cake was not my strongest moment)

April is a new month and I’m ready for some new goals. Here’s a few of my new goals.

1. Keep track of my calorie intake on the MyFitnessPal app again. I already logged my breakfast for today and plan to log my good every single day in April.

2. Two a day workouts every Monday-Friday in April. I’m going to continue my Advocare Can You 24 DVD every evening but I’m going to add daily running/jogging/walking to my workouts. No more weather excuses. I really hope to start the couch to 5k program next week and on the rest days I plan to walk. I will get more active!

3. No more excuses and lying to myself. Cake is bad! No more cake! Lol! I don’t have very many weaknesses anymore but cake and root beer are my vices here lately. I need to learn to regroup those emotional eating habits again. I think I will start journaling when I’m having trouble and want to start eating bad things. I used to get hung up on the idea of journaling and thought that I had to write deep dark stuff but honestly I can write about whatever I want…tigers fighting dusty unicorns, green grass and sheep frolicking, horny toads in Australia. Anything I want! That’s the joy of journaling, it doesn’t have to make sense. It just has to distract me and help me regroup my thoughts and bring out that inner strength.

These goals are so small but I think they’ll really help me get through this mud. I’ve been dragging my body along for too long! Today is the day to get back my mindset! I’m ready!