I’m not gonna say it…

by kristinwood

So I wasn’t going to say it but I’ve hit a plateau. I’ve been in denial about it for about a month now. My weight loss has slowed down considerably since the first of the year but I refuse to give up. I’m not a quitter but you know I wasn’t in this to play the game. I’ve been in this to change myself from the inside out and to never look back. I’m absolutely not going back to that lifestyle. And this picture is a perfect example why I’m not…

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Did you see that forced smile? That big old belly? Did you notice my sweet sweet girl throwing her hands up to embrace me and me not knowing what to do…my hands were in my pockets. I was so miserable and sad. I’m pretty sure I was sick from my allergies there too. Now, would you believe me if I told you that was Mothers Day of LAST YEAR?!? It was only a year ago! I look awful. I can honestly say that at that point in my life, I was truly miserable inside. I lived each day in a fog of exhaustion and depression. I fought anxiety on a daily basis. I had no idea how to handle awkward social situations. I usually smiled that fake smile and nervously giggled my way through things.

I was not on cloud nine and I rarely had good days. A few weeks ago I posted a Facebook status that said I was so thankful that my bad days are getting fewer and fewer and my good days have turned to great days! I’m not saying that losing 57 lbs will make you high on life. What I am saying is that my life is better now that it had been the past decade. Why? Because I’ve finally defeated my demons more often than they’ve defeated me. I have not considered self harm in so long. I have not buried my face in my dogs fur and cried my eyes out in months. I haven’t screamed profanities at the wind in forever.

I have truly become someone I’m proud of now. That person in that pathetic picture was a skeleton of what I am now. My heart was blackening back then. It’s pumping beautifully now. It’s full of life’s pleasures and the ribbons and rainbows far outweigh the black charred ashes that used to consume me.

Every single day is new and fresh. I know I saw a number on the scale today that I haven’t seen in years! I knew I would get here. I knew this day would come that I’m literally one little leap from my first big goal. I had faith in myself and my God that I could do this with his help. I have never once thought I couldn’t. Failure was not going to happen this time.

Do you know what I am struggling with right now? Patience. I am losing patience every single week when I weigh in and the numbers barely move. I feel like I mostly eat like a bird and exercise 3-5 times a week. Which is totally something I can maintain without purposely doing it. I going to have to change things up. Set new goals…again. Form a new plan for getting there. I know I will get to ONEderland. I know I will achieve that goal and I know I will run a solid mile instead of intervals like I am now. What I don’t know is how to get myself regrouped without running my mind in circles to the point of making myself crazy over it.

Here’s an example: so I want to work out more often but I don’t want my body to go into survival mode and start storing fat. So in order to combat that I tell myself it’s ok to eat more because I’m burning more calories. In the meantime, I’m trying to be frugal and not frivolously go buy groceries any old time I feel like it. It’s absolutely silly but last week I figured out that I’m a broccoli hoarder. The last time I hit the grocery store I bought 4 bags of my favorite frozen broccoli. Do you know how long I kept those in the freezer because I was trying to make them last?!? A month!!! I had them a month before I even touched them! It’s not like they’re expensive or that they’re hard to come by. I just had a hoarder mentality and was being crazy! Lol!

Step one of plateau breaking plan…buy the dang groceries! Go to the store once a week and get the “good” stuff. The stuff you know you’ll eat like broccoli, cauliflower, salad, bananas, apples, grapes…eat all things good and stop feeling guilty about spending that money! You’ve gotta eat, why not eat good things?

Step two…really truly exercise on a regular schedule. Every day of the week! Do you remember when I first started this and I would get on the elliptical faithfully every night, even the weekends? Welp, I’m gonna have to do that again. I’m going to make a May exercise chart and just schedule my fitness for every single day! 31 days of fitness! Who’s with me? We can do this! 30 minutes every day! I can and I will!

Step 3…operation love yourself! I’m gonna treat myself like a queen ! I’m going to keep my toenails painted, shave my legs every day, keep my heels all smooth and girly, buy fancy underwears, brush my teeth twice a day, and put in clean clothes every day. No more letting myself go. Not that I turn all Skankarella on a regular basis but for the month of May, I’m going to love myself and appreciate my strengths. Be ready for a month of “I cans”. So, starting right now I’m going to finish the sentence. I can…jump off this plateau and win another battle!

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