The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

WordPress.com

Month: May, 2014

I can be honest here

I can be honest here right? Right. Well this past week has been bad. I’ve been sick and have laid around in a humid haze all week. So considered writing about all my pathetic whinery but I decided not to. I’m gonna write about something controversial…obesity and beauty.

I have preached and preached about body acceptance and beauty comes in all sizes blah blah blah. But does beauty really come in all sizes? How many times have you looked at someone and thought “She could be really pretty if she wasn’t heavy”? I know I certainly have and usually that person was myself staring back at me in the mirror.

So when does the truth stick out? I see so many pages on Facebook or blog stories showing “real women” embracing their curves but they’re not that big! I know women of all sizes (including size 0’s) that struggle with body image and loving their bodies. But this is all such a sham! I’m sure if there were public pictures of 300+ lb nude women posted all over the place people would be appalled! So why the double standard? Because we are forced to think that bigger is not beautiful. Every single media outlet from magazine to internet tells us that the only standard of beauty is flawless skin and no fat.

So much hypocritical crap is thrown at us that it makes me mad! I’m just as guilty as the next person when I google “big beautiful women” and immediately curled up my nose. I started comparing myself to every one of those images. I think to myself how much prettier my ankles, wrists, collarbones…whatever is than theirs. So I guess I’m going to be honest here. I know there are people out there that think the morbidly obese are beautiful. Unfortunately I’m not one of them. However I was taught but my upbringing to never judge a book by it’s cover. I feel incredibly guilty saying that truth. I don’t mean to hurt people’s feelings but being on both sides of the spectrum, I prefer to be healthy and fit.

I guess my point here is that true undeniable beauty that matters is really truly and forever will be on inside. But part of being beautiful is caring for yourself and your body and decorating your temple with muscles, artwork, tattoos, nail polish, whatever that makes you feel beautiful. Just don’t let yourself go because you don’t care anymore.

If you were to do an appraisal on your body right now…how much would it be worth? A true appraisal of a house looks at curb appeal, structure, function, and how well it has been maintained. Just some food for thought tonight….

Advertisements

I can admit when I want milk and cookies

I’m just going to get straight to the point. I WANT MILK AND COOKIES SO FLIPPING BAD RIGHT NOW!

It’s sad because it’s been months since I’ve caved to a craving this strong and I’m doing my very best to beat it tonight but the force is strong.

Here’s how it went tonight. I was at my parents for supper and I had made cookies and shared with my dad (aka Papa the Cookie Monster). I didn’t eat a single one while there because I wanted my little brother to be able to have some when he got home.

So the whole way home I just kept thinking about that blue and white Tupperware container full of cookies on the counter and how good they would taste with milk. And before I knew it , I was home the kids were tucked in and I was all alone. I sat outside to love on my fur babies and play some fetch with Ruby and I just kept thinking about those darn cookies (and my uncomfortable sports bra but that’s another topic altogether lol!). So I changed my clothes, grabbed my cup and headed for the kitchen. My mind went back and forth back and forth about those cookies and that milk. I even told myself that I could just drink a big glass of milk instead of the cookies. Then I decided that the milk was almost out of date and it wouldn’t taste as good by itself.

Then something happened. I fixed this…

20140525-010516-3916460.jpg

And I drank every last drop of that big glass of ice water. I won tonight. The end. 🙂

I can do a HIIT workout

What is HIIT? You ask…high intensity interval training. It’s hard stuff. It’s giving it all you’ve got and then some, over and over again. It goes by fast and it’s empowering. Really it is. I did it tonight with my Advocare Can You 24 DVD and I have mixed feelings about it. I get frustrated because I’m not coordinated enough to get set up for the exercise in 6 seconds. I’m sure it’ll come with time but it frustrates me. Lol! I also feel like I’m not quite strong enough to do some of the exercises and my feet flop off the ball. That’s embarrassing. Good thing my cat and I are the only ones in the room while I work out. Ha! I also feel like I have to grunt my way through it. I’m sure I sound like an idiot but it gets the job done. Lol! I feel like it’ll get easier in time but until then, I’m going to be proud of myself for doing the best I can and completing the workout.

I wanted to get a few goals down on print so that they stick while I’m thinking about it.

1. I want to complete EVERY single workout in this series in the next 8 weeks. Not skip any!

2. I want to have lost 5 lbs in the month of May. So that means at my weigh in on May 31st I will have to weigh 203 or below.

3. I want to lose a total of 10 inches allover by the end of this 8 week workout.

4. Tomorrow I have to make cookies for a meeting on Saturday. I plan to only eat one cookie tomorrow and no cookie dough. (This might be the toughest goal yet!)

If I complete all these goals, I’m getting the little teensy tattoo on my wrist that I’ve been wanting. Totally achievable. I’m excited because I’ve been feeling really good about this past month. I’m sure there are always ways to improve my eating and sleep patterns but there’s always room for improvement in everything really. I know it’s late and I’m winding down so I’ll quit rambling. Good night all!

I can wait 11 more days

Today is day 20 since I gave up the scales this month. It’s killing me because I want to weigh so bad. I feel like I’ve done extremely well this month and I’m ready to see my results and if my hard work paid off.

So many people have asked my why I stopped weekly weigh ins. I guess I was getting really discouraged by the little ups and little downs. I was ready to see a big number lost. I was also eating like crap the days after I weighed and then Monday I’d be like “Ohmygosh! I have to weigh in two days!?! Salad, salad, SALAAAAAD!” I’m sure we’ve all been there. This picture kept popping up on my Instagram feeds lately and just had to share because this is exactly what I felt like on those days!

20140520-100103-36063781.jpg

Last night I officially started my new Can You 24 workout. It’s an 8 week challenge and I have my calendar up on the wall and Bowdy gave me some Angry Bird stickers to put on it when I’ve completed my exercises. I’m really excited about this! Last nights exercise was probably the toughest I’d ever done to date. It had me dripping with sweat, my heart was pumping, my legs were burning, my biceps were poppin and my mind was totally focused and committed! That’s what I love about working out. You walk away feeling bear but you know you’ve won something.

A year ago when I considered trying to lose weight, I had no idea I’d enjoy working out this much. If someone had told me then that I would have to work out to lose weight and see results I would’ve said “No way. I don’t need to workout. I’m just gonna change my eating habits and I’ll be good. I’ve got this. Working out is for people who are crazy. That stuff’s hard!” Now I say that the hardest things I’ve ever done have been the most rewarding in the end. And exercise is no different. I want bigger and better things for myself now that I’ve seen my worth and what I’m capable of.

Just this weekend I’ve encountered a few people that have appeared to be jealous of my successes this far. At first I wanted to just shake them and tell them they could do it too if they just wanted it enough. Or if they just saw their potential. But I can’t make up people’s minds. I have decided that I must truly be a rare breed that faces adversity head on, takes the hit for a while, forms a logical plan and comes back with a fight people never knew I had. I’m a champion. I’m brave and I’m strong and I’m not honing to quit until I get where God wants me to be!

I can finish a tough workout

20140515-222236.jpg

That’s me after one of my hardest workouts to date! I’m sweaty, my stomach is not happy, I made sweat puddles on my yoga mat and I seriously fought off the pukes but….I finished and I’m so proud of myself!

I’m sure if you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll know that I’ve been struggling with some stomach troubles and decided to go gluten free in hopes of ruling that out. Well I tried it for a day and my stomach was still hurting so I just called my allergist and decided to get tested in June at my annual allergy testing appointment. The only thing is, I have to have gluten in my system for the test to be accurate. So I’m back to eating like normal. Tonight, I way overdid it and ate pizza, salad, and cranberry juice and my stomach was definitely protesting. I was miserable but I just got my new ball, band and Can You 24 DVD so I wanted to try it out.

I seriously thought I was in fairly good shape until I huffed my way through the warmup. It was hard! I could feel my muscles in my arms popping and my forehead and hair was dripping with sweat. I fell off the ball a few times and accidentally knocked off a little popcorn from the ceilings when I was doing some figure 8’s. Lol!

One phrase that kept sticking out to me during the workout is “You are strong!” I’ve decided that’s going to be my motto. I am strong. I may not be a lot of things but this journey has taught me that I am stronger than I ever thought possible in myself.

When I was having my babies, I felt like I could do anything, go through anything during their deliveries because it was all for them and I would do anything for them and their safety. Now I’m trying to have that same mindset for myself. I will get through this for myself to have the best life. I feel like tonight’s workout was harder than the one I did 10 months ago when I took those first steps out the door and decided to try running. I have come so far. This battle is 80% mental and 20% physical. The balance is always changing though as I push my body to do more things.

I’m not going to head to bed wishing for toned biceps tonight. I’m not going to lay there and dream about the way my body is going to look in that retro swimsuit I’ve been eyeing. I’m going to bed thanking God for allowing me another day to wins battle. I’m going to thank Him for giving me this drive to keep going and to never give up. I’m going to praise Him in the moonlight for my abilities, talents, and otherwise. He has a plan for me. I may not know it yet, but I’m going to live each day putting one foot in front of the other and doing my best. 🙂 What are you praising God for tonight?

I can go gluten free

So just Sunday I learned that my aunt has celiac disease. It’s random and crazy at the same time because a few months ago when I was looking into all the reasons my hair could be falling out, I stumbled upon celiac disease. I immediately shrugged it off and went on to the next “simpler ” disease that I thought it could be. lol! Celiac disease seemed so complicated and the idea of cutting out gluten seemed so hard and confusing. After talking to my aunt Sunday she said I should really look into it because it’s hereditary. I was like “what?!?” Then today I dove head first into the research about it and may indeed have it.

Don’t take my word for any of the information I’m about to ramble on about because I’m not a doctor but this is what I’ve gathered from my research. Celiac disease is an autoimmune disorder that occurs in the small intestine. Basically when gluten is consumed it triggers a reaction inside the small intestine that makes it hard for your body to absorb critical nutrients and vitamins. This causing symptoms like fatigue, depression, infertility, missed periods, hair loss, skin rashes, abdominal cramping, gas, bloating, diarrhea, constipation, etc. I have been experiencing all of those symptoms for the past 10 years. I have tried to think of every other medical reason why I wasn’t having periods and losing hair. I beat myself up and hated my body for failing me daily when in reality, I may have been failing my own body by putting poison in in unknowingly.

You know me and you know how icy I like a well educated plan. So I have decided to start tomorrow and go for a solid 30 days on a gluten free diet. I’m going to evaluate my body’s feelings once the 30 days is up and see if I feel better or if I don’t notice a change at all. I’m so ready to tackle this and stop living with digestion issues and crying over clumps of hair in the shower. This journey started 9 months ago and I wanted to get well, not just skinny. I wanted to truly know why I seldom menstruated and why I would have fits of diarrhea or constipation for no apparent reason. I wanted to get some hair back. I’m determined to balance my life and feel better and be the best me I can be.

So wish me luck on this gluten free journey. It’s not a dad diet, it’s a trial. Hopefully I’ll find some answers and come to some conclusions. And most importantly, get some hair back. Lol!

I can go without working out for a few days

Yes. You read that right. I didn’t workout all week. I couldn’t tell you the last time I ran. I know I’m supposed to be working out every single day this month and it’s May 8th. I know for sure I purposely worked out the first 4 days this month. So that means the past 3 days I didn’t hop on the elliptical, do my DVDs, run or walk AND it’s ok. Why? Because I’ve been living life.

Yesterday we had an appraisal done on our house. We are refinancing and while I didn’t really want to share my financial statuses on the worldwide web, I felt you needed to know that. lol! So I had busted my tail for over 8 hours each day trying to get my house cleaner than it’s ever been. That’s 3500 square feet spread over 3 levels and 3 bathrooms! I felt like I didn’t purposely plan a workout those days but I worked hard. I climbed the stairs several times throughout those days and I worked in mowing the yard. I also went mushroom hunting with my family and spent over an hour wandering the woods.

I guess my point is that you don’t have to hit the gym. You just need to live a healthy balanced life. I’m not in this to lose weight only. Weight loss is just a bonus on this journey. Life is about living and that’s exactly what I’m planning to do. I wake up every single day and the first thought in my head is not “How many hours until bedtime again? Or what’s for breakfast? Or Oh I need caffeine.” Now I think about all the things I’m going to DO! Activity is an awesome thing. Being active is even more awesome! Live your life. Don’t just exist in it.

I can accept a compliment

I really didn’t want to blog much tonight because I’m exhausted tonight and really wanted to go to sleep but my mind just kept twirling with guilt so I decided today’s “I can”. I can accept a compliment. I used to hear a compliment now and then and I would kinda just curl my shoulders in, squeak out a polite thank you and then try to convince that person why I probably didn’t deserve that compliment. You know…it would probably sound like this:

Nice person: I like your shoes.
Me: Oh these old things? I’ve had them a while. I probably just bought them at Walmart.

I should’ve just said thank you and moved on with the conversation. I’ve been around a lot of different people lately that I hadn’t seen in a while and I’ve heard people say I look good or call me skinny (I’m sorry but that one still makes me laugh. lol!). I’ve been politely saying thank you and then I proceed to tell them I’ve been working really hard on it. It might seem short or whatever but I don’t know what else to say. I think that’s sufficient for now and I want them to know I’m proud of how far I come and I really appreciate their kind words.

I’m still working on it but I can accept a compliment. 🙂

I can rewrite my bio

Does anyone remember the “old days” when we were just dabbling in social media? My first media outlet was myspace. It was fun to get to put together your own little personal space on the internet that was all about you. I’m sure you’re nodding your head right now. After you selected the perfect picture and waited about 30 minutes for it to upload because you had crappy dialup internet and your tightwad parents wouldn’t upgrade. So after that was done, you started eagerly searching for your friends and then reality set in…you were going to have to pick your “top 8”. So you think to yourself…well I have to put so and so as my number one because obviously they’re the one who told me about myspace and then I better add her sister as my number two. Oh and what about my coworkers…where do they fit. Oh never mind her, should wouldn’t switch hours with me Saturday at Hy-Vee so I could go to the fair so she’s definitely not in my top eight. Nut uh!

I’m sure that’s exaggerating a little but you get the idea…so anyways you write a rather lengthy paragraph chocked full of run on sentences and your favorite color blah blah blah. Click ENTER and you’re done! Your myspace account is out the for the whole world to see and now any stalker/creepo/ex boyfriend from out of town knows about your love affair with Dr. Pepper and cupcakes. You log off so your dad can make a phone call and you head off about your day thinking you’re some kind of rockstar.

Today I searched for my old myspace account that got abandoned somewhere about the time I got married so I really don’t remember what my email address was for it, let alone my sign in name. I had kinda hoped I could find it and read my pitiful excuse of a bio and laugh at the younger me but no such luck. What I do remember probably said I was an honest, caring person who loved my fur babies and I was about to marry the love of my life or something silly.

I am going to be 30 in just a few short months and I’ve decided that I am way more secure in knowing who I am in this world than I was 11 years ago. I’m sure my new bio would say

Hi I’m Kristin. I have been married almost 10 years to a man that was my best friend before we were anything else. This man sought me out for months and was patient waiting for me to realize how much I needed him in my life. We have two beautiful children that have perfectly completed out little white picket fence family. We aren’t planning on having any more so don’t ask about it. It makes me grouchy. My main tasks every day include providing for them, taking care of the house and cooking meals mostly from scratch. I love to bake but do it on occasion because I don’t want to overeat sweets and gain weight back. I adore any animal with fur and I especially love kittens. We live in our dream house and I love garage saling for treasures to decorate it with. I have been changing my life in the past 9 months and have recently lost almost 60 lbs with diet and exercise. Yes! It can be done! I am proud of my new body and outlook on life. I drink gallons of water everyday and I try to exercise 5 days a week. I’m a green tictac enthusiast and it’s my favorite guilty pleasure. I love to help and inspire people and one of my favorite activities is perusing on my iPhone for things and people that inspire me. I feel with my whole heart and music fuels my soul daily. I love to take pictures but only when something truly inspired me. I’m not going to waste my shutter snap on unnecessary things. I have recently discovered the joys of yarn and crocheting. It’s my new favorite hobby. Granny squares are my all time favorite and I can’t wait to make more of those colorful little blocks. I’m honest to a fault sometimes and awkward in some social situations. I’m working on my faith every single day and I pray like I’m talking to an old friend. I try my best to appreciate life every single day and I love with my whole heart.

That’s enough about me. Hope you enjoyed my new and improved bio, full of run on sentences.

I can…sing in the shower!

I should also add that I can sing in the shower again! Before I got heavy and life got hard, I used to sing in the shower nearly every day. The hot water, steam, and fresh cleanness would just invigorate all my senses and if belt it out like no other. Then slowly I started using the shower as my own place to hide away for. The kids while they were little so I could get a few minutes of peace and quiet. Then as I got older and more depressed it became my crying booth. I would shut myself in, turn the water hot enough to turn the skin on my chest beet red and have a good sob. I can remember hitting my lowest if lows in the shower and just holding on to my big belly and cursing myself. I wrapped my arms around my largeness and decided it was going to end. I was going to stop killing myself with food and I was going to stop thinking of all the reasons to hurt myself. I decided that moment to live my life differently…better. Then I stepped out of that crying booth and it became just a shower after that. Until today!

Today I put on my iTunes Radio and the first song that came on was Only Human by Cristina Perry.

It’s a song I can remember hearing for the first time in the kitchen while I was cooking. It stopped me dead in my tracks because it’s words spoke to the part of me that hurt, that longed for someone to understand me and to love me when I felt unlovely. I remember the part that said “your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and I fall apart. I’m only human.” I had been hurt so many times by someone and I fell to the floor in a heap and cried that moment. It felt like someone finally understood me. The writer of that song knew exactly what I was feeling. I had heard enough hurtful words and felt enough knives in my heart. I was ending it. I was cutting that relationship off until I was strong enough to not let it hurt me anymore.

Today I sang that song in the shower and remembered all those feelings and emotions and heartache and tears and let the hot steamy water wash them down the drain. I wasn’t crying in the privacy of my shower. I wasn’t hiding my big old belly behind that shower curtain hating myself. I wasn’t thinking of anything but victory. I had overcome the words to that song and it didn’t hurt anymore.

So today I can sing in the shower. I sang at the top of my lungs while Tim snoozed in his chair and was oblivious to my Grammy worthy performance. I didn’t mind one bit. I wasn’t singing for him or anyone else. I was singing for me and it felt good.