The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Month: June, 2014

Cheesecake and a hot dog

If you’ve been following this blog you probably know that that title is the lead in to something awful. And it is. That’s what I had for supper…a double dose whammy of cheesecake and a cold hot dog. I’m sure some of you are shuddering but I used to eat like this nearly every day. I would convince myself that it wasn’t too bad. At least the hot dog is protein, right?

I have spent all afternoon on the couch praying and telling myself that I’m not a loser. That I will get up and keep winning. I’ve felt so defeated lately and so worn down. I watched Extreme Weight Loss tonight on Hulu and those people’s stories helped me realize several things.

1. When I can’t keep rooting for myself, there will always be someone who will. Tonight I realized that it wS my two beautiful babies that will keep rooting for their momma. Albany held my hand while I cried through the show and Bowdy say on my lap and kept saying I was just like that lady on that show because I lost a lot and had big muscles. Lol!

2. Either you’re a survivor or a fighter. Unfortunately I have stumbled across this horrible food addiction and self hate and I will forever have to fight through it but it’ll be the best fight I’ll ever win.

3. I know I’ve said this a thousand times and I’m contemplating getting it tattooed somewhere. “Fall down 7 times, get up 8.” That’s exactly what I’m doing. Tonight may have been the 3497th time falling but tomorrow will be the 3498th time getting back up.

4. I know that woman has lost 150 lbs to get down to 160 (her and my goal weights) but I’m only 43 lbs away from being there. I’m sooooo much closer than I ever thought I would be. I honestly didn’t know how I would get to where I am now and I couldn’t have predicted that path I have taken. But I know it’s where God led me to be.

5. I cannot help anyone directly right now. I just can’t do it. I know I have taken such pride in being a mentor to others through this process but I just can’t mentor right now. I have to be selfish and focus on myself. From now until after my anniversary vacation I will not blog. I will try my best to stay off Facebook. I’m going to delete the app from my phone and occasionally check it only laptop. I will take it one day at a time and I’ll stop being so hooked on the affirmations of others to fill my cup. I shouldn’t need that kind of attention. I should not thrive on that false sense of security.

6. I’m going to run again. I had originally given it up because I didn’t think I was ever going to be a runner with my asthma but I can. I will reiterate my 5k goal and this fall, when it’s starting to be cold and damp here, I will fly somewhere warm and run a 5k race. I will be ready for it! No excuses and no self sabotaging lies.

If I wrote a book, would you read it? The thought has crossed my mind to write children’s books before but I had never really thought about writing an adult book until now. I might just pray about it and see where God leads me. Only He knows my heart and my path in front of me.

Now I’m going to refill my water, put on some socks and shoes and get my workout in tonight. I might suck at it since I’ve skipped too many this week but trying is better than not trying. It’s time to give myself an old Coach Campbell pep talk and give it all I’ve got. 🙂

Im having a hard day…week…month

This journey isn’t always ribbons and rainbows. Sometimes is really really ugly. Sometimes the dark demons overtake me and it takes all the fight I have in me to just exist and be a part of the world that surrounds me.

I’ll be honest, this isn’t the worst I’ve ever felt and I haven’t resorted to self harm or other awful things. Yet my own mind is beating me up. I’ve looked at my thighs and it made me mad that there’s still skin and cellulite. I’ve been telling myself that I’m still fat when someone jokingly calls me Skinny Minnie. I resort to sleeping too much and succumbing to the fetal position when my stomach pains get to be much more than an inconvenience.

I haven’t blogged in 17 days because I try to live by the standard “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”. And trust me, I haven’t had much nice to say lately.

Right now, I’m sitting in my underwear in a big puddle of sweat and I’m so mad at my body. I tried to do today’s workout this morning and the stomach pain was more than I could stand. I fought vomiting the entire workout and I barely made it through 3/4 of it. I went to the doctor 3 weeks ago before I started this no blogging streak. I was desperate to see why I felt the way I did. I had no sparkle, no drive for intimacy, no energy. I didn’t want to be touched, looked at, or talked to. And it pained me so much to see the pain I was causing Tim. He just wanted to help and he was willing to do anything for me and nothing helped.

I sat at my doctors office and begged her to help me. I spent the entire visit in tears and she simply said “I think you have polycystic ovarian syndrome and are probably insulin resistant. We will get this figured out.” I trusted her and believed her and prayed every single night after that to be “fixed” if there is such a thing.

I immediately started birth control to help regulate the hormones. Because previously my ovaries had been malfunctioning and producing too much androgens (male hormones). A little over a week ago I did a fasting 3 hour glucose test and the results concluded that I did indeed have insulin resistance. What that meant is that my body wasn’t correctly using the insulin it was producing and it kicked it into overdrive and produced even more insulin and then I just had a whole mess of insulin that wasn’t being used but at the same time, I had organs that needed insulin that wasn’t getting enough (like my ovaries). Anyway long story short, my body is a complete battlefield and it’s miserable. Plain and simple…miserable.

I had been feeling really fat lately and decided to weigh today and see how much I had gained. Thank goodness the scales only said .4 of a lb! I’m glad that I haven’t really back pedaled but at the same time, I feel like I’ve gone 17 days without any progress either. It’s not bad considering the turmoil going on inside. I just can’t give up and give in to the poor lifestyle choices I used to make. It would be so easy to just eat and eat and eat away my misery and to keep throwing words of self hate around and living in this horrible mind game but I think I’ll pull out of it.

The doctor said to wait 4-6 weeks before feeling any different and that’s what I’m gonna do. I can’t throw in the towel. I can’t just be done with all this nonsense. Just like it didn’t take me a short amount of time to lose 60 lbs, it’s not going to take the snap of a finger to get my insulin in check. I don’t want the diabetes curse. I don’t want to lose my feet or my eyesight. I want to live dammit! I want to beat this! I am not giving up the ultimate battle. I just gave up today. I failed that stupid workout but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to exercise class tonight or doing my workout tomorrow.

Don’t let your mind ruin your progress. No matter how appealing that voice sounds. Self hate is an ugly beast that takes the shape of a fairy maiden and can sneak it’s way in quicker than the flash of a matchstick. Run it out! Send it packing. That’s what I’m trying to do…

10 months and 8 days

It’s been 10 months and 8 days since I started winning this epic battle against myself. I have spent 10 months and 8 days improving and being better than I’ve ever been. I’ve spent the past 10 months and 8 days fighting demons, praying to God, reflecting, setting goals, achieving them, setting new goals, achieving them too, and winning!

I decided that this month I would give up the scales and weigh at the end of the month instead of weekly and it was a fantastic decision. I have lost 5.3 lbs this past month. I am incredibly proud of that number. I honestly had my doubts. I have been really sick this past week and actually questioned pneumonia or strep. I have overcome so many obstacles this week even while I was sick and I’m quite pleased with the results. I plan to restart my 8 week workout DVD on Monday and hit it hard again. My lungs have hurt so bad and I have been so dizzy the past week that I haven’t been working out like I should so Monday I’m starting fresh and I’m going to give it all I’ve got!

I was crunching some numbers today and I started out at 265 lbs. today I weighed 203. I started out wearing a size 22 jeans. Today I wear 16s. I started out with a bmi of 44.1. Today it’s 33.8. That’s a drop of 10.3!!!!

BMI is not usually a number I focus on much but for some reason, today when I weighed it jumped out at me. The most astonishing part was that the BMI number to be considered morbidly obese is 40. Now I’m only about 9 points away from being in a normal range. How awesome is that?!? I’m thrilled and I’m on the right path!

My one year anniversary of this weight loss is coming soon but I’ll be on vacation when it happens so I think I’ll post some celebratory pictures before I go. I’m hoping to have some professional ones done instead of standing in front of the mirror holdings phone in a dim hallway. Lol!

I’m getting there! I’ve come such a long way and I couldn’t be more proud of myself! I just had to take a moment and brag a little. 😉 good night all!