Im having a hard day…week…month
This journey isn’t always ribbons and rainbows. Sometimes is really really ugly. Sometimes the dark demons overtake me and it takes all the fight I have in me to just exist and be a part of the world that surrounds me.
I’ll be honest, this isn’t the worst I’ve ever felt and I haven’t resorted to self harm or other awful things. Yet my own mind is beating me up. I’ve looked at my thighs and it made me mad that there’s still skin and cellulite. I’ve been telling myself that I’m still fat when someone jokingly calls me Skinny Minnie. I resort to sleeping too much and succumbing to the fetal position when my stomach pains get to be much more than an inconvenience.
I haven’t blogged in 17 days because I try to live by the standard “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”. And trust me, I haven’t had much nice to say lately.
Right now, I’m sitting in my underwear in a big puddle of sweat and I’m so mad at my body. I tried to do today’s workout this morning and the stomach pain was more than I could stand. I fought vomiting the entire workout and I barely made it through 3/4 of it. I went to the doctor 3 weeks ago before I started this no blogging streak. I was desperate to see why I felt the way I did. I had no sparkle, no drive for intimacy, no energy. I didn’t want to be touched, looked at, or talked to. And it pained me so much to see the pain I was causing Tim. He just wanted to help and he was willing to do anything for me and nothing helped.
I sat at my doctors office and begged her to help me. I spent the entire visit in tears and she simply said “I think you have polycystic ovarian syndrome and are probably insulin resistant. We will get this figured out.” I trusted her and believed her and prayed every single night after that to be “fixed” if there is such a thing.
I immediately started birth control to help regulate the hormones. Because previously my ovaries had been malfunctioning and producing too much androgens (male hormones). A little over a week ago I did a fasting 3 hour glucose test and the results concluded that I did indeed have insulin resistance. What that meant is that my body wasn’t correctly using the insulin it was producing and it kicked it into overdrive and produced even more insulin and then I just had a whole mess of insulin that wasn’t being used but at the same time, I had organs that needed insulin that wasn’t getting enough (like my ovaries). Anyway long story short, my body is a complete battlefield and it’s miserable. Plain and simple…miserable.
I had been feeling really fat lately and decided to weigh today and see how much I had gained. Thank goodness the scales only said .4 of a lb! I’m glad that I haven’t really back pedaled but at the same time, I feel like I’ve gone 17 days without any progress either. It’s not bad considering the turmoil going on inside. I just can’t give up and give in to the poor lifestyle choices I used to make. It would be so easy to just eat and eat and eat away my misery and to keep throwing words of self hate around and living in this horrible mind game but I think I’ll pull out of it.
The doctor said to wait 4-6 weeks before feeling any different and that’s what I’m gonna do. I can’t throw in the towel. I can’t just be done with all this nonsense. Just like it didn’t take me a short amount of time to lose 60 lbs, it’s not going to take the snap of a finger to get my insulin in check. I don’t want the diabetes curse. I don’t want to lose my feet or my eyesight. I want to live dammit! I want to beat this! I am not giving up the ultimate battle. I just gave up today. I failed that stupid workout but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to exercise class tonight or doing my workout tomorrow.
Don’t let your mind ruin your progress. No matter how appealing that voice sounds. Self hate is an ugly beast that takes the shape of a fairy maiden and can sneak it’s way in quicker than the flash of a matchstick. Run it out! Send it packing. That’s what I’m trying to do…