Cheesecake and a hot dog

by kristinwood

If you’ve been following this blog you probably know that that title is the lead in to something awful. And it is. That’s what I had for supper…a double dose whammy of cheesecake and a cold hot dog. I’m sure some of you are shuddering but I used to eat like this nearly every day. I would convince myself that it wasn’t too bad. At least the hot dog is protein, right?

I have spent all afternoon on the couch praying and telling myself that I’m not a loser. That I will get up and keep winning. I’ve felt so defeated lately and so worn down. I watched Extreme Weight Loss tonight on Hulu and those people’s stories helped me realize several things.

1. When I can’t keep rooting for myself, there will always be someone who will. Tonight I realized that it wS my two beautiful babies that will keep rooting for their momma. Albany held my hand while I cried through the show and Bowdy say on my lap and kept saying I was just like that lady on that show because I lost a lot and had big muscles. Lol!

2. Either you’re a survivor or a fighter. Unfortunately I have stumbled across this horrible food addiction and self hate and I will forever have to fight through it but it’ll be the best fight I’ll ever win.

3. I know I’ve said this a thousand times and I’m contemplating getting it tattooed somewhere. “Fall down 7 times, get up 8.” That’s exactly what I’m doing. Tonight may have been the 3497th time falling but tomorrow will be the 3498th time getting back up.

4. I know that woman has lost 150 lbs to get down to 160 (her and my goal weights) but I’m only 43 lbs away from being there. I’m sooooo much closer than I ever thought I would be. I honestly didn’t know how I would get to where I am now and I couldn’t have predicted that path I have taken. But I know it’s where God led me to be.

5. I cannot help anyone directly right now. I just can’t do it. I know I have taken such pride in being a mentor to others through this process but I just can’t mentor right now. I have to be selfish and focus on myself. From now until after my anniversary vacation I will not blog. I will try my best to stay off Facebook. I’m going to delete the app from my phone and occasionally check it only laptop. I will take it one day at a time and I’ll stop being so hooked on the affirmations of others to fill my cup. I shouldn’t need that kind of attention. I should not thrive on that false sense of security.

6. I’m going to run again. I had originally given it up because I didn’t think I was ever going to be a runner with my asthma but I can. I will reiterate my 5k goal and this fall, when it’s starting to be cold and damp here, I will fly somewhere warm and run a 5k race. I will be ready for it! No excuses and no self sabotaging lies.

If I wrote a book, would you read it? The thought has crossed my mind to write children’s books before but I had never really thought about writing an adult book until now. I might just pray about it and see where God leads me. Only He knows my heart and my path in front of me.

Now I’m going to refill my water, put on some socks and shoes and get my workout in tonight. I might suck at it since I’ve skipped too many this week but trying is better than not trying. It’s time to give myself an old Coach Campbell pep talk and give it all I’ve got. 🙂

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