The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Month: September, 2014

What I hope she remembers…

That’s a question I was asking myself today while perusing those boring crunchy momma blogs with lists of “10 things” that I mindlessly read in a daily basis to procrastinate washing dishes or folding laundry.

So it got me thinking that I am witnessing 4 generations of mothering styles in my life right now. I’ve heard my grandma tell about her mother and how she did things. I’ve heard her also tell of how she parented my mother. I’ve also heard my mothers side if the story of her own childhood. I’ve lived my own childhood and witnessed that mothering firsthand. And now I’m living my own mothering experience. So with that said, when my daughter is 30 with her own children, I can’t help but wonder what kinds of things she’ll say about the way I have raised her.

Sadly I wasted 10 years of my adulthood blaming my parents for every single anxiety attack and 100 lbs if excess fat on my body. When in actuality, that’s not really fair. Granted, a lot of the way I am is a direct result of the way I was parented but now I’m older and I’m learning to take responsibility for my adult actions and sometimes it sucks. But sometimes it’s so liberating to say “Yep, I did that” and then moving on.

My daughter witnesses me daily loving my body and caring for it. She also has witnessed the sad days when I lived under the gray cloud of depression and self hate. I pray daily that that was too long ago and that she’ll forget that awful stage of my life. I pray she won’t think about all the times I wouldn’t let her have Mountain Dew and that she’ll remember the times I let her stay up a little later than usual on those nights because her behavior was so good that it earned her some extra snuggles and reading time.

I pray that she doesn’t remember the mommy who agonizes over eating more than one cookie and the guilt her mommy felt afterwards. I pray she remembered her mommy letting her crack the eggs and smell the vanilla while wearing her plain old apron dusted with flour.

I pray that she never knew how sad her mommy was when she fixed square meals for her and her brother while her daddy was working those long hours into the night. But instead I pray that she knows how much her daddy loves her, her brother and mommy and those strong callused hands that tuck her in on the nights that he is able to be home.

I pray that she never sees a woman by the size of her body. Instead when pointing her out uses words like “the one with the pretty hair, or the one with the happy laugh.”

I pray that she never remembers the frustrated angry shouts that would spew from her mommy’s mouth in the early days when everything was a struggle for her mommy. Instead I pray she remembers the beautiful and sometimes obnoxious song lyrics and wild booty shaking her mommy did at the stove while cooking.

I pray she looks in the mirror and never hears a voice in her head telling her she’s not worthy or not pretty enough. I pray that she hears her mommy’s voice over and over saying “You are beautiful. You are so smart. I love you. I am proud of you. You deserve all the riches and happiness in the world because you are enough!”

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Pity party…party of 1

Yep. That’s me. Just sitting here alone on a Saturday night at 10:40 doing nothing. Thinking too much and drinking a glass of semisweet tea. I’m hating myself a little bit for the poor eating choices I’ve made yesterday and today. At least I worked out last night though. It’s more than I can say for today. I don’t think crocheting and playing with kittens counts as exercise. Lol!

I’m having some bad situations hit me all at once and I’m declaring this my pity party night. Tomorrow will be a new day and hopefully this party will be over and I will not have suffered any hangover. Currently I’m stressed over the Relay for Life that I am in charge in of coming up this weekend. I’m anticipating the arrival if Aunt Flo and that always makes me irritable thanks to these stupid new birth control pills. I have been trying my darnedest to keep my house picked up and cook square meals for my family on a veeeery tight budget. I’m currently exploring whether or not to expand my business. It’s a huge leap and I will go into debt…lots of debt. I’ve prayed and prayed for guidance with this decision and it’s just not coming to me. I really want a sign or something. I don’t know. Tim’s trying to sell his pickup so we can get in a better position financially. And this month just feels like chaos.

I’ve eaten way too many cupcakes today. My emotions are all over the place. I have this huge fear that I’m going to wake up tomorrow with cankles and jowls again and weigh 265 again. It’s an overwhelming fear lately.

I’ve done way too much research about how to break this plateau. And a lot of what I’ve been reading says to kill the running. I’ve decided to quit my couch to 5k program. It was going at too quick of a pace and I wasn’t keeping up well which led to discouragement. Now I’ve decided to go back to my Advocare DVDs and do them religiously for 4 weeks starting Monday. I saw great results with them before. I am just afraid my body isn’t in as bad of shape as it was the first time I did them so I’m not sure I’ll get good results. Anyway , that’s where I stand on the exercising front. Running just wasn’t doing it for me. It wasn’t fun. My asthma was getting to the point where I would wheeze all day long after a good run. I was weak and exhausted over it and I didn’t feel accomplished anymore. I felt like a failure. It was a miserable feeling.

I really hope no one reads this blog entry because frankly, I’m ashamed of myself and the thoughts I’ve had these past 2 days. I am struggling big time with feelings of guilt. I’m battling some emotional demons again that I’ve struggled with before and the self doubt is just lingering above me like a rain cloud. I want to make so many people proud but I need to accept that sometimes bitter and jealous people don’t have room to be proud. They can’t see past their own jealousy to be happy for me. It’s so hard to accept that. It’s hard to keep holding my head up and walking strong when others continually tear me down, sometimes even unintentionally. Sometimes reality sucks too. Sometimes finances suck. Sometimes I just focus on getting through the day. It’s so hard when the bank account is dwindling and the kids crave an outing. Outings cost money that we don’t have and it’s so hard to explain that to them. It’s even harder to live this comfortable looking life when in reality, we’re just barely keeping our head above water and have been this way for years. It feels like it’ll never end. I wish there was something I could do differently. I wish there were things I could change sometimes. Life is just heavy right now.

It’s time to do some praying and just let things go. Until I get my head right, my body won’t be right either. I have to recommit to this lifestyle change every single day. There is no easy way out. I’m not going to solve all my problems overnight. But I will feel differently in the morning. Good night y’all.

I lived

Today’s blog post is brought to you by this song:

Here’s the lyrics:

“I Lived”

Hope when you take that jump
You don’t fear the fall
Hope when the water rises
You build a wall

Hope when the crowd screams out
They’re screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love
And it hurts so bad
The only way you can know
Is give it all you have

And I hope that you don’t suffer
But take the pain
Hope when the moment comes
You’ll say…

[Chorus]
I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived

Hope that you spend your days
But they all add up
And when that sun goes down
Hope you raise your cup

I wish that I could witness
All your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes
I’ll say…

[Chorus]
I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived

[Bridge]
Whoa
Whoa
Whoa
Oh
Oh
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived

Let me set up the story for you. Otherwise this will be a “guess you had to be there” moment.

I almost talked myself out of running today. I played every excuse through my mind: I had a headache. I was dehydrated. I was hungry I was going to exercise class tonight. That should be enough. It was humid and going to rain. You know all those excuses.

Well I had almost procrastinated too long because as I got in my car to go to my running spot, huge raindrops pelted my windshield but there was only a few. So I decided to run anyway. I had already laced up my shoes, driven that far and I was just going to do it.

I set up my pandora only phone and that song came on. It was so perfect. As I grabbed my ankle, braced myself on my car for a quad stretch I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the drivers window. I looked like a warrior! No joke. I saw my rugged cheekbones, tanned skin, strong shoulders and beautiful freckles from the sun and in that moment, nothing could stop me. I am a warrior! I was made for this. God had brought me through so many hard things. Running a mile in the rain today would be nothing compared to what I’ve already accomplished.

I ran it. I blared my music and I ran faster than I’ve ever ran. This was today’s time:

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I could hardly believe it. I even had a lady stop and ask if I needed a ride about halfway through. I politely declined and then second guessed myself after she was out of sight and lightening struck just miles away. The whole time I prayed and had faith that my God would not forsake me. His power would keep me safe. And it did.

I am a warrior…a beautiful warrior clothed with faith in God.

Feeling compelled

This week has gone by in a blur. It’s fair week here and that’s something our town practically shuts down for. It’s awesome and sometimes annoying too. Lol! Anyway, I made a very public goal to not eat ANY fair food until tomorrow night (date night). Mostly that goal was set because I weighed 201 at last weigh in and I have my eyes on that ONEderland prize! I have never wanted anything as badly as I want to get over this plateau and get under 200 lbs.

It’s been terribly rough this week too. Tuesday night my adorable children and nephews and niece all had cotton candy and kettle corn. I bet I turned down cotton candy 7 times that night! Then Wednesday night my mom had these…

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They’re several potatoes cut really thin into curls and deep fried. I love them with seasoning salt and ketchup. They used to be one of my all time favorite fair foods. I could have eaten an entire thing of them in one setting…by myself. My mom asked me several times if I wanted any and then wafted some in my face. That was the hardest one yet to say no to.

Last night I wanted anything and everything. The lies I told myself in my head almost tempted me to buy a bacon meat stick, ice cream and nachos…all at the same time. I was even tempted to mix them all together and shove them in my face. No joke…that thought crossed my mind. The mildest lie my mind told me was that one nacho with cheese wouldn’t hurt anything. Then that number flashed in front of my face…201.201.201! I snapped back into reality and focused on that prize again!

Tonight will probably be my hardest yet but weighin is tomorrow morning and I have to do it! So I’m planning ahead. I’m going to take my raw almonds and an apple. There’s my salty, crunchy and sweet. I can do this!

Another thing that’s been plaguing my brain lately is this whole running thing. I ran my first 5K last weekend and got a time of 43:35. It wasn’t great but it wasn’t dead last. I was proud because I finished but I was disappointed because I didn’t push harder. I gave up easily and walked soon into it. I walked a lot of it. I fussed with my earbuds that were shorting out. I worried about smiling and waving at everyone. I worried about Tim by my side huffing and puffing and trying to push me. I tried not to get mad at him. I played the asthma card and told him how hard it is to be a distance runner with it.

I should’ve blogged right after the race to clear my head. It would have been nice to look back on later for some memories. Hopefully in a year or so I will have made my time better.

I’m still doing the couch to 5k program on my phone but I think I need to stop it. It’s making me discouraged. I’m having a hard time pushing myself to run as much as it wants me to. I want to walk and then I get a bad attitude with myself and basically want to give up. Tuesday my workout was 5 min warmup walk, 5 mins running, 3 mins walking, 8 mins running, 3 mins walking, 5 mins running, 5 min cool down walk. Ask me how much if it I actually ran…not that much. I made it through the first 5 minutes of running and the first 3 minutes of the 8 minute run. Then after that it was hit and miss. I felt dehydrated, deflated, and just plain didn’t care that day.

And I haven’t ran since. Today I’m going to do it. I’ve set my mind to it. It’s a cooler day and I’m going to run. Here’s my new plan for boosting my confidence and enjoying it again.

1. Run/walk a 12 minute mile.
2. Run/walk the second mile in under 13 minutes.
3. Walk a half mile to cool down
4. When running those miles, run as much as you can. If you feel like you need to stop, run 10 more steps. Then walk.

I think the couch to 5k was a wonderful program and I’m sure a lot of people have succeeded. But let’s face it, it’s not designed as a personalized workout for a 201 lb mommy of 2 who gives up easily. I have to pave my own way. I knows body. I know my strengths and weaknesses inside and out. I know when the going gets tough, I give up. Lol! I have to be selfish. I don’t have anything riding on whether or not I finish this program on my phone.

One of my all time goals was to run a solid mile without stopping to walk. I am still going to try to achieve that goal, at my own pace. I will eventually add a 3rd mile to my rules. For now, I just have to hyper focus on it and I will get the job done.

If I’ve learned anything over this past year and a month is that you can’t rush this. You can’t hurry the process along. You have to learn as you go and if stumble, fart, and fall down, it’s ok. It’s how well you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going that makes you a winner!