Pity party…party of 1

by kristinwood

Yep. That’s me. Just sitting here alone on a Saturday night at 10:40 doing nothing. Thinking too much and drinking a glass of semisweet tea. I’m hating myself a little bit for the poor eating choices I’ve made yesterday and today. At least I worked out last night though. It’s more than I can say for today. I don’t think crocheting and playing with kittens counts as exercise. Lol!

I’m having some bad situations hit me all at once and I’m declaring this my pity party night. Tomorrow will be a new day and hopefully this party will be over and I will not have suffered any hangover. Currently I’m stressed over the Relay for Life that I am in charge in of coming up this weekend. I’m anticipating the arrival if Aunt Flo and that always makes me irritable thanks to these stupid new birth control pills. I have been trying my darnedest to keep my house picked up and cook square meals for my family on a veeeery tight budget. I’m currently exploring whether or not to expand my business. It’s a huge leap and I will go into debt…lots of debt. I’ve prayed and prayed for guidance with this decision and it’s just not coming to me. I really want a sign or something. I don’t know. Tim’s trying to sell his pickup so we can get in a better position financially. And this month just feels like chaos.

I’ve eaten way too many cupcakes today. My emotions are all over the place. I have this huge fear that I’m going to wake up tomorrow with cankles and jowls again and weigh 265 again. It’s an overwhelming fear lately.

I’ve done way too much research about how to break this plateau. And a lot of what I’ve been reading says to kill the running. I’ve decided to quit my couch to 5k program. It was going at too quick of a pace and I wasn’t keeping up well which led to discouragement. Now I’ve decided to go back to my Advocare DVDs and do them religiously for 4 weeks starting Monday. I saw great results with them before. I am just afraid my body isn’t in as bad of shape as it was the first time I did them so I’m not sure I’ll get good results. Anyway , that’s where I stand on the exercising front. Running just wasn’t doing it for me. It wasn’t fun. My asthma was getting to the point where I would wheeze all day long after a good run. I was weak and exhausted over it and I didn’t feel accomplished anymore. I felt like a failure. It was a miserable feeling.

I really hope no one reads this blog entry because frankly, I’m ashamed of myself and the thoughts I’ve had these past 2 days. I am struggling big time with feelings of guilt. I’m battling some emotional demons again that I’ve struggled with before and the self doubt is just lingering above me like a rain cloud. I want to make so many people proud but I need to accept that sometimes bitter and jealous people don’t have room to be proud. They can’t see past their own jealousy to be happy for me. It’s so hard to accept that. It’s hard to keep holding my head up and walking strong when others continually tear me down, sometimes even unintentionally. Sometimes reality sucks too. Sometimes finances suck. Sometimes I just focus on getting through the day. It’s so hard when the bank account is dwindling and the kids crave an outing. Outings cost money that we don’t have and it’s so hard to explain that to them. It’s even harder to live this comfortable looking life when in reality, we’re just barely keeping our head above water and have been this way for years. It feels like it’ll never end. I wish there was something I could do differently. I wish there were things I could change sometimes. Life is just heavy right now.

It’s time to do some praying and just let things go. Until I get my head right, my body won’t be right either. I have to recommit to this lifestyle change every single day. There is no easy way out. I’m not going to solve all my problems overnight. But I will feel differently in the morning. Good night y’all.