The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

WordPress.com

Month: October, 2014

Animals

If you’re close to me, you probably knows favorite song of the moment is Animals by Maroon 5. I absolutely LOVE it! I have been singing it and going crazy over it for weeks!

Anyway there’s a lyric that goes “You can start over You can run free”. It’s been running through my head all night! I’m sure there’s some significance to it getting stuck in my head and playing over and over.

Truth is, I haven’t been focused. I haven’t been disciplined. I haven’t been following the rules. I don’t know where to go from here and I need to figure it all out pretty darn quick. Otherwise I’m gonna be 265 lbs again and miserable! I need that slap in the face wake up call. I need to get my head right. I need to get all the other things in my life to calm down and be caught up.

I need to feel balanced and right with the world. It’s gonna take lots and lots of prayer and focus. And really…I’m going to have to use my determination to get things done. I’m going to use all those good qualities I used to lose the weight to get back on track. I’ve said it a thousand times but I’m just not going to give up. I’m going to stay healthy and happy and strong and fit! I can do this and I will continue to do this. Until I get things figured out and set achievable goals, I’m just going to make good choices and do the best I can.

IMG_1975.PNG

Advertisements

A crossroads

So I’ve been talking to Tim tonight and I’m at a crossroads. I’m actually standing at the intersection of several roads and the only thing I know for sure is that I’m NOT turning around and going back down the road I’ve been on before.

I don’t exactly know what I want for my body anymore. I’ve already achieved so much and I’m happy with how far I’ve come. I’ve gotten really comfortable in the body I’m in and the lifestyle I have now. It scares the shit out of me to take a road I don’t know.

I’m looking at the future and my ultimate long term goal was to weigh 160 and get out of the “obese” category and to be doctor approved healthy. I wanted to meet their standards of health. I’m scared that’s just not achievable. So I’ve just sort of…stopped trying so hard. I’m scared that this loose skin will get worse, that my boobs will say more, and that I’ll be unhappy with my body.

On the other hand, I’m trying to think of the exercise that fills me with joy and happiness and pride. I want to be strong. I want to be able. I want to have the muscle build so that my back, hips, ribs and neck don’t keep popping out of place and causing me pain. I want to win arm wrestling contests and be able to flex an impressive bicep. I don’t want to be lean. I want to be ripped! But I’m scared of that too. I am afraid I’ll gain weight and go back over 200 lbs again. I’m afraid I will eat to many or not enough carbs to sustain that lifestyle. I’m afraid I won’t be able to build the muscle I want in my little home gym and that I won’t be able to afford the gas to the fitness center and back 3-4 times a week. I’m afraid I’ll be starving all the time and want to binge.

As you can tell, I don’t know what to do. I figure the best thing at this point is to pray and learn. Dive into as much knowledge on the subjects as I can and make an educated decision.

I know I can’t be dormant. That causes laziness and laziness causes binges and excess weight that I can’t afford to gain at this point. Tonight I’m going to sleep on it and pray about it. Tomorrow I’ll wake up refreshed and I’ll do my research. Hopefully in the next few days I’ll have a plan.

As always, I’m feeling hopeful. Never give up on your dreams…even if you aren’t sure what they are yet. ๐Ÿ™‚

The sweet and salty saga and a little chat about boobs

I’ve always had this terrible battle with sweet and salty. It just seems like I crave something sweet and then something salty and then something sweet and then something salty. And it almost always used to end with a huge binge fest and feelings of guilt and shame.

Today as I was standing at the fridge filling up my water bottle I decided that I was going to end that battle with sweet and salty. I decided that I needed to come up with a plan to win that battle. So here’s my plan…if the sweet/salty craving arises I will eat a fruit or vegetable to combat the craving. If that still doesn’t help then I’ll drink a big bottle of water.

I did a little research and learned that your brain tricks you into thinking you’re craving something when 90% of the time you are needing hydration. So really I’m probably just thirsty when that game begins. Have you ever noticed that water sometimes tastes different? That’s because you’re lacking a certain vitamin or mineral. I thought that was crazy interesting.

On to the boob thing…I’m embarrassed to admit this but I’ve had a love/hate relationship with my boobs for the past decade. I’ve always been very blessed in that area but since losing the weight, they’ve kinda deflated. I’ve been terribly self conscious about them. I’ve tried a zillion different bras. I’m almost certain that I need a different size but those ladies at Lane Bryant just try to fit me into a 38D or DD and call it good. I know they generally don’t carry the weird sizes like H or G. But after measuring myself, I’m pretty sure that’s the size I need.

I’m going to order some new ones soon and I’ll do a review after I find some I like. Hopefully it won’t be a crazy struggle. I read someone else’s blog post that had lost 100 lbs and she was wearing the wrong size and style for her size and shape. After finding the right bra, she seriously looked like she’d lost another 25 lbs! It was crazy!

So here’s to winning battles and feeling good about the ladies again!!!

A quick update…

This is me right now…

IMG_1886.JPG

I’m Mrs. Wood, the substitute teacher in the FAACS room. (I’m on my planning perilous right now so no students for 45 minutes) Yesterday I subbed in the high school too. I guess my point is that if I’m not subbing, I’m editing. If I’m not editing I’m either shooting or trying to keep my housework up and still spend time with my family.

October has been a rough balance. Taxes are coming up. Christmas is coming up. My big final camera payment is coming up and I’m doing everything I can to make money to pay those things without going into debt. I say it every year but Christmas shouldn’t cause you to go into debt and I’m going to try VERY hard to make sure that doesn’t happen this year.

Balancing this new lifestyle of mine has always been a bit of a struggle but October just seems like it’s been the hardest yet. I find myself longing to be with my kids sometimes and I’ve never been sappy like that. I also spend my afternoons subbing wishing I had a candy bar or pop. I’m working on curbing those cravings too.

I know I need to get back into the exercise groove again and banish pop from my vocabulary. It’s just been the least of my worries lately. I have deadlines to meet and supper to fix. Throw in three bottle fed kittens and I’m spent by 9:00 pm most nights. I don’t know how people do it…oh wait. I do know…they make sacrifices just like I’m doing. They choose convenience foods and grab a candy bar to satisfy the afternoon brain drain shutoff.

I know I’m doing better because I’m consciously planning and trying to substitute the good for the bad. It’s just really trying sometimes. So right now I just ate a little Baggie of frosted shredded wheat and mixed up a Spark. I’m going to have salad for lunch because they have a pretty good salad bar here for $2.25 and you really can’t beat that.

I’ve decided that I will get back to exercising if it kills me. I’m already trying to plan for it into my daily routine this week. I may be trudging through my workout DVDs instead of running or hitting the fitness center but I’m still going. I’m still going to try. I’m not giving up. I just hadn’t made a plan yet. I’ll get there and I’ll fly again!!!

Only 39 more pounds to my ultimate goal! I remember last year writing down some of my goals and 105 lbs seemed so far away and so hard to achieve. But I’m down 66 and I’m not stopping. I may have slowed down for a bit but I haven’t given up. Never give up….

The “Feels”

Today I got a bad case of “the feels”. You know when you feel something with your heart…you know really feel it? I’m usually a person who can shut off my emotions with the snap of a finger. I’m sometimes awkward and people have told me I appear heartless. I guess that’s just one of many of my defense mechanisms. Today was a different day though.

I subbed in 3rd grade today and those kids were so fun! I really felt like I could be me in their class. I enjoyed their stories and laughter. I had to be a little stern a time or ten. I made a little boy smile today. That doesn’t seem like much but he was such a sad little boy with a sad story. I just wanted to make him genuinely smile today and I did. You know the weird part…I wasn’t even really trying when it just happened. I almost bawled. As silly as it sounds, his fist bump and joking at the end of the day made my day. His along with several others.

I was so blessed to get to hug my kids extra times in the halls today and witness some of the best teachers I have ever seen doing their job. I watched 2 grown men get up and put on a silly presentation about brushing their teeth. I got asked about my tattoos. I played the question game where I ask them a question and they can ask me one in return. It’s so fun for younger kids and I usually get a kick out of it too.

I fed my 3 bottle kitties several times today and as silly as it sounds, I love them like my own children. I could go on and on about them and their antics but I’m trying to get to my point in this post. Lots of things that I did today mattered. I made an impression on several lives today, some were small and some were big. But one thing that didn’t matter today…was that I used to be morbidly obese.

No one noticed that. No one could tell or mentioned it anyway. It didn’t matter what I used to be. What matters is who I am now and what I have to offer people (and animals). No one knew that I finally made it into ONEderland yesterday and that’s been a year long goal of mine. I didn’t offend anyone. I didn’t take up too much space. I didn’t make anyone uncomfortable by my presence. I was simply me and I finally accepted that I was truly enough.

I wept over my kittens tonight as they purred gently after I fed them their bedtime bottle. I just felt so free. It was like the kite strings had been released and I could really fly and feel the sunshine on my face. In that moment, with crickets chirping in the sunroom and kitties settling down for the night…I loved myself all over again. I thanked God for that bedtime revelation and all of my beautiful blessings today.

Cleanse Day 5

I want to give up. I’m ready to throw in the towel. This diet bores me. I haven’t exercised. I cheated and measured my waist and haven’t lost a single inch. Aunt Flo will be here the day after tomorrow and I’m all bloaty and moody and I just want to curl up and watch Netflix for days.

I went to the chiropractor today because my back and ribs hurt so bad I could hardly breathe. He said I was in bad shape. I had 3 ribs out, my back, neck and hip were all out too. It was awful be fantastic all at the same time when he popped and cracked me. I could immediately breathe and walk right. But now I’m sore. It’s been a long day and I probably should’ve come straight home and rested all day.

My diet was 2 for 3 today. I felt like 2 meals were great but one was not so great. I’ve been trying so hard. And even when everyone else is eating ice cream and having french fries, I’m just resisting it all. It’s miserable but I keep pushing through because I have faith in the results.

I’m a big fat Negative Nancy and I’m really not fun to be around. I just keep telling myself 5 more days. 5 more days until I’m done with this strict diet regimen. 5 more days until I can enjoy yogurt again. 5 more days until cheese and ohmygoodness…salad dressing. Real salad dressing! But most of all 5 more days til I can get back to real life. To the life that I’m used to and comfortable in. No more anxiety over planning and being caught off guard and being made fun of. I thought I was prepared for all of this but I’m not.

This blog is my personal sounding board. I hope that the whining that has been going on will not hinder anyone from trying the cleanse. The benefits far outweigh the whininess and complaining. Ask me in 5 days how I feel about the cleanse. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Today I am thankful for purring kitties that have always brought me joy. Kitty snuggles are definitely at the top of my list of favorite things!

Cleanse Day 4

This was supposed to be the Wonder Woman day…did I feel like Wonder Woman? Not really, kinda, sorta, maybe a little bit. I woke up with what feels like a knife in my back between my shoulder blades and it radiates into my ribs once in a while. I think I might have a rib out…when I take a deep breath it feels like it’s stabbing deeper. Idk what’s going on with my body!!!

Despite the back thing, I had quite a bit of energy. Especially after lunch after I had had a Spark. I sometimes get shaky after I’ve had one and not eaten enough. I’m sure it’s just my blood sugar doing weird stuff. Seems like I can’t keep it under control with the Spark. Idk. Maybe the Spark has nothing to do with it or maybe I just can’t handle that much caffeine because I rarely consume it.

I have been eating on point every single day because I’m a rule follower. Tonight I felt like I might’ve cheated a little bit. I made chili with hamburger (home raised lean beef I might add), kidney beans, home canned tomato juice and home canned salsa. I didn’t add any crackers or cheese but I really wanted to. My moms birthday is tomorrow and I wanted her to come over for supper and I honestly didn’t want to make myself a special meal. Heck, she already blasphemied me enough over the salad dressing at the restaurant. I didn’t want to make things worse. But looking back, it wasn’t that bad. The carbs in the beans might’ve been a little much but I’m not gonna dwell.

Tmi moment: those probiotics are crazy! I mean crazy in a good way. After I had taken them this morning, about an hour later guys started gurgling and about 30 minutes after that I pooped. It was a lot…it was not diarrhea and it was solid. I was so proud! I’ve been pooping regularly for 3 days now!!! I’ve never ever been regular. That’s a big accomplishment!

I’ve been thinking about what I really hope to gain from this cleanse. More than anything, I just wanted to throw myself into eating right and exercising again. Have I exercised yet? No. Why? I could explain it day by day but frankly, it just hasn’t happened yet. I think it’ll just happen when this cleanse is all over. I am swamped and overloaded with editing and sessions in October. I can truly only focus on so many things. Exercise just hasn’t been a priority. I know I will get back into it. I’m going to be kicking myself because it’s going to be hard…like really hard. I’m going to struggle and be embarrassed and mad at myself. I’m just trying to mentally prepare myself for all of that. It’s perfectly ok to have those emotions. It’s ok to suck at it when I start up again. It’s ok to start and stop a hundred times in my life. It’s not ok to give up. And I do not plan on ever doing that. I have worked to hard and really invested in myself to just throw it all away.

Back to what I expect. Naturally I want to see weight and inches lost. More than anything, I want to be in ONEderland. I want the struggles of these past few days to all be worth it. I want to know I have done the best I possibly can and I have succeeded. I’m not gonna lie, it’s rough when you can’t stop thinking about chips or chocolate. But it takes some real strength and will power to go cut that Apple and eat it instead of bingeing on the kids m&ms. I have what it takes to get where I want to be. I just have to keep on keeping on.

Today I’m thankful for my drive and determination. I’m thankful that God has put these qualities in me and has kept me pushing through. I pray daily for guidance in this life change and I want to be somebody that inspires others to be their best self too.

Good night all! Now to say my prayers and tackle day 5!!! Almost halfway through!

Cleanse Day 3

I don’t have a lot to say tonight. I’ve been grumbly and grumpy. Partly because Aunt Flo will be here in a week or less and partly because I’m just hungry for crap I shouldn’t eat. Lol!

Tonight I was looking at my October calendar and I was getting so overwhelmed by all the things written on it. I immediately just wanted wavy ranch chips or tootsie rolls or pizza…anything that popped into my head, I wanted. It was awful!

Instead of bingeing though tonight and caving, I ate a handful of sweet potato chips and a handful of pistachios and drank a big thing of water. I was proud of my good choices. Honestly, I’ve made it this far in the cleanse…I don’t want to undo my progress.

Tomorrow I don’t have to drink the fiber drink. It mixes up a little. I just have to follow the regular guidelines but take probiotics instead of the fiber drink. Not too bad at all. A lot of people were leery of the fiber drink. I think it tastes good. It’s a sweet taste and I drink it all at once with a straw. No biggie.

Tmi moment: I just had a regular poop today. Still no diarrhea or anything scary. That’s been a pleasant experience.

Today I’m thankful for my sweet kids that are fighting some flu bug. I pray that they’ll be fever free tomorrow and can go to school Friday for the homecoming festivities.

That’s all for tonight. I’m excited for tomorrow’s supposed energy burst. I really need to edit and get my house clean. ๐Ÿ™‚

Cleanse Day 2

Today has been pretty great! I have followed the plan with no real hiccups. I didn’t eat lunch until later but I had a cavity filled at the dentist at 11 half my face was numb until 3 or so. But I did get a great lunch in. Here’s my pic:

IMG_1819.JPG

I’m feeling hungry almost all day and I think I just need to eat more snacks. I’ve never been a very good snacker. I was always afraid of bingeing on something bad so I used to skip snack time a lot. Tomorrow is a new day and I’ll do better!

Tmi time: I’m sure if you’re thinking about doing the cleanse you’re wondering if you’ll have diarrhea or whatever so I’m sharing my bm’s with you. I know…I know. It’s weird but it’s a very accurate way of documenting what to expect. Today I had a normal poop. There…that wasn’t too hard to discuss. lol!

Now to conquer tomorrow and skip right to day 4! That’s supposed to be the day you get tons of energy. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Cleanse Day 1

First off I’m going to say how bad my head hurts. I think I’m starting to get a sinus infection or something because between my eyes is just throbbing! I hate to be a whiner but it is causing some major brain fog.

Aside from that little bit of negativity, today has been really good. I planned ahead the best I could and managed through eating out at lunch and a late supper that was quick and thrown together. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I had an egg cooked like a fried egg but without oils or anything and a fruit smoothie. The smoothie was about half cup of peaches, 1/4 cup crushed pineapple in its own juice, half of a frozen banana, and a splash of apricot nectar and ice.
Mid morning snack was 1/4 cup of raw almonds.

Lunch was lettuce, grilled chicken and a hard boiled egg.

Afternoon snack was one apple.

Supper was a single serve package of tuna and some steamed California blend veggies with a rice cake with peanut butter.

I’m heading to bed now to hopefully sleep off this headache. I followed all guidelines the best I could today with the exception of a workout. I didn’t get one in tonight because I just felt too rotten. Tmi moment, I have not pooped today. When people think of a cleanse they’re scared of diarrhea…nothing here. No stomach cramps or anything. Smooth sailing in that dept. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Today I’m thankful for an afternoon with my mom, aunts and grandma to hit thrift stores and be silly. I have missed them all so much!