A crossroads

by kristinwood

So I’ve been talking to Tim tonight and I’m at a crossroads. I’m actually standing at the intersection of several roads and the only thing I know for sure is that I’m NOT turning around and going back down the road I’ve been on before.

I don’t exactly know what I want for my body anymore. I’ve already achieved so much and I’m happy with how far I’ve come. I’ve gotten really comfortable in the body I’m in and the lifestyle I have now. It scares the shit out of me to take a road I don’t know.

I’m looking at the future and my ultimate long term goal was to weigh 160 and get out of the “obese” category and to be doctor approved healthy. I wanted to meet their standards of health. I’m scared that’s just not achievable. So I’ve just sort of…stopped trying so hard. I’m scared that this loose skin will get worse, that my boobs will say more, and that I’ll be unhappy with my body.

On the other hand, I’m trying to think of the exercise that fills me with joy and happiness and pride. I want to be strong. I want to be able. I want to have the muscle build so that my back, hips, ribs and neck don’t keep popping out of place and causing me pain. I want to win arm wrestling contests and be able to flex an impressive bicep. I don’t want to be lean. I want to be ripped! But I’m scared of that too. I am afraid I’ll gain weight and go back over 200 lbs again. I’m afraid I will eat to many or not enough carbs to sustain that lifestyle. I’m afraid I won’t be able to build the muscle I want in my little home gym and that I won’t be able to afford the gas to the fitness center and back 3-4 times a week. I’m afraid I’ll be starving all the time and want to binge.

As you can tell, I don’t know what to do. I figure the best thing at this point is to pray and learn. Dive into as much knowledge on the subjects as I can and make an educated decision.

I know I can’t be dormant. That causes laziness and laziness causes binges and excess weight that I can’t afford to gain at this point. Tonight I’m going to sleep on it and pray about it. Tomorrow I’ll wake up refreshed and I’ll do my research. Hopefully in the next few days I’ll have a plan.

As always, I’m feeling hopeful. Never give up on your dreams…even if you aren’t sure what they are yet. 🙂

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