The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Month: November, 2014

I’m cured!

Ok…not really. I don’t know that I’ll ever be cured of my emotional eating disease. But I’m at a point in my life that it no longer has control over me like it once did.

I had an eating disorder. When I was getting “the feels” I would compulsively eat without even thinking. I would shovel it all in over the course of several hours while watching TV or wasting time on the Internet. It was usually feelings of sadness, loneliness, despair…mostly negative feelings.

Well the reason I feel cured is this: tonight I got “the feels” bad. I have felt probably every single emotion that you can feel today. I have laughed until I cried, I have longed for something, I have felt guilt, pleasure, pain, loneliness, warm fuzzies, anger, grief, and right now I’m feeling strangely content. I would even go so far as to say I’ve felt melancholy today, and that’s not a feeling I feel very often. Today I recognized and accepted my feelings. I vented about them on social media (which I typically feel is a no no). And I didn’t eat…sure I ate meals today but I didn’t compulsively eat to try to cope with my feelings.

After everyone left this afternoon, I kept busy and the kids and I put up 2 Christmas trees and decorated them. Once they were tucked in, I wandered into the kitchen and thought about food. I thought I could finish off the Big Red in the refrigerator and decided against it. It just didn’t sound good. Then I debated on eating the last 2 pieces of butter pecan cheesecake. Then I caught sight of my water glass. And without thinking, I walked over and filled it with cool ice water. Took a long sip, felt it cool my esophagus the entire way down, took a deep breath and walked out of the kitchen. I didn’t long for sugar or carbs. I didn’t dwell on the food I could eat and didn’t. I didn’t have to fight off any overwhelming cravings. I simply drank water and accepted my feelings.

I wouldn’t say I’m truly cured because I feel this disease is like a demon, waiting just around the corner…waiting to attack when you’re feeling down or at a weak moment. But for tonight…I AM better. I AM stronger. I AM winning again. Baby steps people. Baby steps.

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The conversations in my head

Today has been an off day. I’m kinda stuffy from allergy crud. I’m lonely and down. Christmas is coming and money is the tightest it’s probably ever been. Tim might lose his job in April and I found out today that he has to work thanksgiving and I don’t have any plans. I’m afraid it’s going to be another lonely sad day spent fighting the kids who are “bored” and beg me to take them out to eat or to the movies or anywhere but their nice comfy home. Heaven forbid we actually stay home on the weekend!

So the old me would’ve cried off and on all day in between naps and binged on chocolate and chips. I’m. It sure that I did a thousand times better today but I didn’t binge. I didn’t bake anything and convince myself to eat three sugar cookie bars. I didn’t eat salads and protein bars though either. I feel like I should confess what I ate…

Breakfast: bowl of two scoops of white rice with sugar and milk and a peanut butter honey sandwich.
Lunch: homemade cheesy rice and broccoli soup and 2 cheese hot dogs.
Dinner: ribeye steak, honestly wish green beans with ham and onions, and a teensy bit of mashed potatoes with a sweet tea.
Snacks: mini snickers, mini bag of M&Ms and a gluten free granola bar.

I probably drank more than a gallon of water. This is total tmi but every time I peed today it was clear! That’s good hydration.

So why am I beating myself up? I didn’t do that bad…honestly.

I think the reason I feel so bad is that I have been meaning to get back in the exercise groove. I want to feel that endorphin high after a good run. I need to feel sweaty after 3 miles on an elliptical. I crave the smell of sweat and metal on my hands after a good lift. Right now I don’t have access to any of the forms of exercise that I love. I can really only do my workout DVDs and I don’t like them. I don’t feel the rush afterwards anymore. I just feel like a machine going through the motions.

I know I’ll get back in a routine and I hope to get out and run or ride my bike this week, even if it’s cold. Last year, the morning of thanksgiving I was out on the road running at 7:00 am. I remember logging 2.5 miles that day. I hope to get back to that mind set soon. I can feel myself slipping and being tempted by the demons of my past and I won’t let them win. But I fear every day that by not doing anything, I’m getting close to losing this battle.

I gained 3 lbs over the past 36 days. It doesn’t seem like much but it’s a set back. I had an appointment with my nurse practitioner this week and I was so relieved that I had to cancel because it wouldn’t fit into my schedule. I knew it would show on their scales that I had gained and I didn’t want to let her down.

I’m going to hold myself accountable every Monday morning and weigh. I know I said I was going to give up the scale but sometimes doing that puts me in a state of denial. It’s like out of sight, out of mind. I can’t deny that my size 16 jeans were a struggle to button yesterday and that I’m feeling sluggish again.

My lifestyle has not been an active and healthy one the past month or more and I’m so ashamed of that. I’m still working on the grace thing. It’s hard to allow myself the grace to just get through this rough patch in my life. Just have to keep my faith and never give up. Before long, I’ll be back on here clicking away and bragging on my losses again. Just a little hiccup. That’s all. I will win again.

A brand new day

Tonight I prayed as usual and I prayed for my new journey and fresh day tomorrow. I also prayed that God would show me some scripture to help me out. I do this a lot of times and a book, chapter and verse just pops into my head. Tonight it said Exodus 4:13. It says

But Moses said, “Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else.”

Honestly I was puzzled by that verse and I said out loud “Seriously, God?!? That’s all I get to work with? What does that mean?” Then I read the entire chapter and it made more sense. It was the verse where God sends Moses to speak His word to the people. He gives Moses a staff that turns into a snake and then back to a staff. He also tells Moses to place his hand back into his cloak and bring it out. It appears leperous and then God heals it. He also says that if the people still do not believe him to take the water from the river and throw it on the ground and it will turn to blood.

After verse 13 it says that God gets angry at Moses and basically says that He will help him to speak and put words in his mouth to say. He is telling him to trust Him.

I know I definitely have anxiety about starting my workout routine and healthy diet again tomorrow. Most of all I have major anxiety about what the scale will say and how much I’ve gained. I truly don’t think I’m floating around ONEderland anymore.

Tonight I stood naked in the mirror and prayed that I didn’t gain much and that it would be water weight and it would come off in this first week. I thanked God for my curves and extra skin. I prayed for the strength and courage to see that number tomorrow and use my powers for good.

I prayed that my head would stay strong and that I could stay motivated. I also prayed for another lady that seems to be struggling with motivation right now. I want to be there for other people but right now, I can only pray for them and offer positive vibes when they need it. I’m not Super Weight Loss Diva. I’m just me…I feel like my journey has been so slow moving but that doesn’t discredit it at all. I keep hoping it just means I’m doing it right.

Someone told me the other day to give myself some grace. At first I was like “I don’t think grace means to allow yourself a huge bowl of cheese curls and mini M&MS.” Lol! I decided to look that up as well.

This is what grace is defined as:
(in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.
a divinely given talent or blessing.
plural noun: graces
“the graces of the Holy Spirit”
the condition or fact of being favored by someone.
“he fell from grace because of drug use at the Olympics”
synonyms: favor, approval, approbation, acceptance, esteem, regard, respect; More

All of this information that God has showered me with tonight just confirms even more that this is not my battle to fight alone. God is still beside me. He still believes in me and is blessing me every step of the way. Tomorrow I start fresh and I will report on that weigh in…even if it’s embarrassing.

Denial is a lonely island

Denial is a lonely island that feels like paradise. It’s beaches are warm and sunny and feel perfect under your toes. The fruity drinks are bottomless and no one is there to see you skinny dipping in the crystal blue waters. For a time they feel so crisp and relaxing. On the island of Denial you are all alone and for a while, your own thoughts are peaceful. Then they turn against you and the ugliness creeps in.

The silence is no longer golden. The sun doesn’t feel good for long. It burns your skin and makes you want to run and hide even further on the island into the shade. The peaceful breeze in your hair has now turned into hurricane winds and your hair is whipping into tangled rats. The lies you told yourself catch up to you and misery and despair and guilt and pain are all there on that island.

That’s what denial feels like to me. I’ve been living in denial for months now. I’m sitting here sipping my sweet tea. I had homemade pizza and chips for lunch today and I’ve had Mexican 3 out of 6 meals in the past few days. And I didn’t box half of it up and bring home. I ate it all right there in that restaurant. On that island of Denial lives excuses along with the lies. They’re just sugar coated lies really. I’ve been telling myself that I haven’t gained anything, my clothes still fit. I couldn’t have gained anything right?!? I guess we’ll find out soon.

Monday I’m leaving that island. I’m boarding the cruise ship where I exercise again and eat right at least 90% of the time. On that ship I join others and inspire people. I don’t lie to myself and beat myself up over bad choices. I just get better and stronger and I get to that final destination.

This is my life. This is a little glimpse into my mind most days. I think in metaphors and tell myself big huge far fetched lies. In real life, my tongue couldn’t tell a lie if I tried but in my mind, the lies just swarm around like angry bees. Today I’m only telling myself truths. And truth is, I’m not doing so well. I’m on a bumpy road right back to where I was if I don’t start making good choices and running those miles. Guilt and shame is an awful burden to carry and I’ve carried it way too long. I’m ready to be proud again!

Check in and life stuff

I haven’t blogged in what feels like forever. I’ve been so busy I honestly haven’t been able to form cohesive thoughts lately to really inspire or motivate myself, let alone others.

Last time I weighed I was in ONEderland but it wasn’t exactly a mountaintop experience. I had just done a cleanse and did the obligatory weigh after the fact. I didn’t have a moment of ugly crying or thanking God for getting me there. I just hurried up and turned off the Wii (yes I still weigh on that) and I went about my day. I haven’t weighed since and I highly doubt I have stayed there. Too many Dr Peppers and too much Halloween candy has probably sabotaged me. I don’t feel like the girl who ran a 5k in August or inspired my friends. I feel like the girl who lost 65 lbs and is trying to make a living. I’m substitute teaching at school and I have taken pictures every single weekend since middle of September. I spend my free time editing and trying to keep my house at a functional level of clean. I’m not very good in the wife department lately and I’m trying to spend more quality time with my husband and less on this phone killing time. Have I given up on weight loss? Kinda…I have bills to pay and people to love. I’ve fallen back into the old ways of always putting others before myself. I will probably always be that way to an extent.

I keep saying I need to work on balance. I get messages and texts daily asking me when their sneak peeks will be up or when their pictures will be done. It’s so exhausting…because those same people have absolutely no idea that at that quick second that I’m reading their message, I had just finished stirring up soup for my family or read a Baggie book with my child or was on my free period at school and had just dealt with a mouthy student and was finally breathing a sigh of relief. I feel like I never get a moment of real peace. That is my hope before the year ends…to find inner peace and get my life caught up. I’m not making fitness goals this year. I’m not going to diet over the holidays. I’m not going to weigh the entire month of November. No weigh November for the win! Seriously though. Before I can truly get back on the right track I have to get to a place where I know I will win. Part of that process is getting my life back in order and learning to balance the chaos.

Of all the things that have me out of whack, I’m trying to sit back and be thankful every day for how far I’ve come. I’m thrilled to be where I am and to honestly say the anxiety and depression I once faced is no longer running my life. The anxiety attacks flare once in a while and they might knock me off kilter for a bit but they don’t control me anymore. I control them. I can honestly say that by losing 65 lbs I have beat the inner dark beast. I don’t sleep in a dark room for hours not knowing why I don’t have any ambition. I don’t let little things like a flat tire in St. Louis at 7 am on a Sunday ruin my day. I am strong I can deal with bumps in the road now. Sure a few tears may be shed but when it comes down to it…tears and strength will always trump denial and not dealing with problems.

Even though I don’t celebrate my successes every day. They’re still there. I still have achieved my wildest dreams. I’m still winning.