Ok…not really. I don’t know that I’ll ever be cured of my emotional eating disease. But I’m at a point in my life that it no longer has control over me like it once did.
I had an eating disorder. When I was getting “the feels” I would compulsively eat without even thinking. I would shovel it all in over the course of several hours while watching TV or wasting time on the Internet. It was usually feelings of sadness, loneliness, despair…mostly negative feelings.
Well the reason I feel cured is this: tonight I got “the feels” bad. I have felt probably every single emotion that you can feel today. I have laughed until I cried, I have longed for something, I have felt guilt, pleasure, pain, loneliness, warm fuzzies, anger, grief, and right now I’m feeling strangely content. I would even go so far as to say I’ve felt melancholy today, and that’s not a feeling I feel very often. Today I recognized and accepted my feelings. I vented about them on social media (which I typically feel is a no no). And I didn’t eat…sure I ate meals today but I didn’t compulsively eat to try to cope with my feelings.
After everyone left this afternoon, I kept busy and the kids and I put up 2 Christmas trees and decorated them. Once they were tucked in, I wandered into the kitchen and thought about food. I thought I could finish off the Big Red in the refrigerator and decided against it. It just didn’t sound good. Then I debated on eating the last 2 pieces of butter pecan cheesecake. Then I caught sight of my water glass. And without thinking, I walked over and filled it with cool ice water. Took a long sip, felt it cool my esophagus the entire way down, took a deep breath and walked out of the kitchen. I didn’t long for sugar or carbs. I didn’t dwell on the food I could eat and didn’t. I didn’t have to fight off any overwhelming cravings. I simply drank water and accepted my feelings.
I wouldn’t say I’m truly cured because I feel this disease is like a demon, waiting just around the corner…waiting to attack when you’re feeling down or at a weak moment. But for tonight…I AM better. I AM stronger. I AM winning again. Baby steps people. Baby steps.