Check in and life stuff
I haven’t blogged in what feels like forever. I’ve been so busy I honestly haven’t been able to form cohesive thoughts lately to really inspire or motivate myself, let alone others.
Last time I weighed I was in ONEderland but it wasn’t exactly a mountaintop experience. I had just done a cleanse and did the obligatory weigh after the fact. I didn’t have a moment of ugly crying or thanking God for getting me there. I just hurried up and turned off the Wii (yes I still weigh on that) and I went about my day. I haven’t weighed since and I highly doubt I have stayed there. Too many Dr Peppers and too much Halloween candy has probably sabotaged me. I don’t feel like the girl who ran a 5k in August or inspired my friends. I feel like the girl who lost 65 lbs and is trying to make a living. I’m substitute teaching at school and I have taken pictures every single weekend since middle of September. I spend my free time editing and trying to keep my house at a functional level of clean. I’m not very good in the wife department lately and I’m trying to spend more quality time with my husband and less on this phone killing time. Have I given up on weight loss? Kinda…I have bills to pay and people to love. I’ve fallen back into the old ways of always putting others before myself. I will probably always be that way to an extent.
I keep saying I need to work on balance. I get messages and texts daily asking me when their sneak peeks will be up or when their pictures will be done. It’s so exhausting…because those same people have absolutely no idea that at that quick second that I’m reading their message, I had just finished stirring up soup for my family or read a Baggie book with my child or was on my free period at school and had just dealt with a mouthy student and was finally breathing a sigh of relief. I feel like I never get a moment of real peace. That is my hope before the year ends…to find inner peace and get my life caught up. I’m not making fitness goals this year. I’m not going to diet over the holidays. I’m not going to weigh the entire month of November. No weigh November for the win! Seriously though. Before I can truly get back on the right track I have to get to a place where I know I will win. Part of that process is getting my life back in order and learning to balance the chaos.
Of all the things that have me out of whack, I’m trying to sit back and be thankful every day for how far I’ve come. I’m thrilled to be where I am and to honestly say the anxiety and depression I once faced is no longer running my life. The anxiety attacks flare once in a while and they might knock me off kilter for a bit but they don’t control me anymore. I control them. I can honestly say that by losing 65 lbs I have beat the inner dark beast. I don’t sleep in a dark room for hours not knowing why I don’t have any ambition. I don’t let little things like a flat tire in St. Louis at 7 am on a Sunday ruin my day. I am strong I can deal with bumps in the road now. Sure a few tears may be shed but when it comes down to it…tears and strength will always trump denial and not dealing with problems.
Even though I don’t celebrate my successes every day. They’re still there. I still have achieved my wildest dreams. I’m still winning.