Denial is a lonely island

by kristinwood

Denial is a lonely island that feels like paradise. It’s beaches are warm and sunny and feel perfect under your toes. The fruity drinks are bottomless and no one is there to see you skinny dipping in the crystal blue waters. For a time they feel so crisp and relaxing. On the island of Denial you are all alone and for a while, your own thoughts are peaceful. Then they turn against you and the ugliness creeps in.

The silence is no longer golden. The sun doesn’t feel good for long. It burns your skin and makes you want to run and hide even further on the island into the shade. The peaceful breeze in your hair has now turned into hurricane winds and your hair is whipping into tangled rats. The lies you told yourself catch up to you and misery and despair and guilt and pain are all there on that island.

That’s what denial feels like to me. I’ve been living in denial for months now. I’m sitting here sipping my sweet tea. I had homemade pizza and chips for lunch today and I’ve had Mexican 3 out of 6 meals in the past few days. And I didn’t box half of it up and bring home. I ate it all right there in that restaurant. On that island of Denial lives excuses along with the lies. They’re just sugar coated lies really. I’ve been telling myself that I haven’t gained anything, my clothes still fit. I couldn’t have gained anything right?!? I guess we’ll find out soon.

Monday I’m leaving that island. I’m boarding the cruise ship where I exercise again and eat right at least 90% of the time. On that ship I join others and inspire people. I don’t lie to myself and beat myself up over bad choices. I just get better and stronger and I get to that final destination.

This is my life. This is a little glimpse into my mind most days. I think in metaphors and tell myself big huge far fetched lies. In real life, my tongue couldn’t tell a lie if I tried but in my mind, the lies just swarm around like angry bees. Today I’m only telling myself truths. And truth is, I’m not doing so well. I’m on a bumpy road right back to where I was if I don’t start making good choices and running those miles. Guilt and shame is an awful burden to carry and I’ve carried it way too long. I’m ready to be proud again!