The conversations in my head

by kristinwood

Today has been an off day. I’m kinda stuffy from allergy crud. I’m lonely and down. Christmas is coming and money is the tightest it’s probably ever been. Tim might lose his job in April and I found out today that he has to work thanksgiving and I don’t have any plans. I’m afraid it’s going to be another lonely sad day spent fighting the kids who are “bored” and beg me to take them out to eat or to the movies or anywhere but their nice comfy home. Heaven forbid we actually stay home on the weekend!

So the old me would’ve cried off and on all day in between naps and binged on chocolate and chips. I’m. It sure that I did a thousand times better today but I didn’t binge. I didn’t bake anything and convince myself to eat three sugar cookie bars. I didn’t eat salads and protein bars though either. I feel like I should confess what I ate…

Breakfast: bowl of two scoops of white rice with sugar and milk and a peanut butter honey sandwich.
Lunch: homemade cheesy rice and broccoli soup and 2 cheese hot dogs.
Dinner: ribeye steak, honestly wish green beans with ham and onions, and a teensy bit of mashed potatoes with a sweet tea.
Snacks: mini snickers, mini bag of M&Ms and a gluten free granola bar.

I probably drank more than a gallon of water. This is total tmi but every time I peed today it was clear! That’s good hydration.

So why am I beating myself up? I didn’t do that bad…honestly.

I think the reason I feel so bad is that I have been meaning to get back in the exercise groove. I want to feel that endorphin high after a good run. I need to feel sweaty after 3 miles on an elliptical. I crave the smell of sweat and metal on my hands after a good lift. Right now I don’t have access to any of the forms of exercise that I love. I can really only do my workout DVDs and I don’t like them. I don’t feel the rush afterwards anymore. I just feel like a machine going through the motions.

I know I’ll get back in a routine and I hope to get out and run or ride my bike this week, even if it’s cold. Last year, the morning of thanksgiving I was out on the road running at 7:00 am. I remember logging 2.5 miles that day. I hope to get back to that mind set soon. I can feel myself slipping and being tempted by the demons of my past and I won’t let them win. But I fear every day that by not doing anything, I’m getting close to losing this battle.

I gained 3 lbs over the past 36 days. It doesn’t seem like much but it’s a set back. I had an appointment with my nurse practitioner this week and I was so relieved that I had to cancel because it wouldn’t fit into my schedule. I knew it would show on their scales that I had gained and I didn’t want to let her down.

I’m going to hold myself accountable every Monday morning and weigh. I know I said I was going to give up the scale but sometimes doing that puts me in a state of denial. It’s like out of sight, out of mind. I can’t deny that my size 16 jeans were a struggle to button yesterday and that I’m feeling sluggish again.

My lifestyle has not been an active and healthy one the past month or more and I’m so ashamed of that. I’m still working on the grace thing. It’s hard to allow myself the grace to just get through this rough patch in my life. Just have to keep my faith and never give up. Before long, I’ll be back on here clicking away and bragging on my losses again. Just a little hiccup. That’s all. I will win again.