The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Month: December, 2014

Legs for miiiiiles

So I’ve always had this terrible relationship with my legs. I spent my childhood and adolescence hearing “look at those tree trunk legs!” “You’ve got huge calves just like your dad.” “Gotta have a good solid foundation. Har har har!”

I have heard those and many other degrading phrases in my head for the past 3 decades and today I said something different. I reached my legs to the ceiling to stretch and saw this:

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Here’s the thoughts in my head today: “Dayum! Them legs is fiiine!” “Look at those muscles! They’re toned and beautiful!” “And such dainty feet and ankles.” “Those are too beautiful! Can’t wait to wear shorts and a swimsuit and show those babies off!”

Today was day one of positive self talk. May sound super cheesy but I had to tell myself positive and good things. I will continue to see myself in a positive light if I continue to choose to see myself that way.

Those legs are no longer a burden. They’re the strong and beautiful expanse of muscle, skin and bone that carries me where God leads me. They have carried me when I was big, small and anywhere in between. They’ve been wobbly and they’re now stronger than they’ve ever been. Today I’m embracing them!

Weigh day Monday

Normally I don’t blog this often in a row so I’m feeling quite proud of myself. Maybe I need the extra support or maybe I just need a place to unwind my thoughts. Whatever the reason, I think I like it! Lol!

This morning I got my kiddos up and brushing their teeth and I went and weighed in my underwear. You know…the scale routine. lol! Today I only lost .7 of a lb. I was pretty discouraged. I felt like I did a pretty good job this past week. I started to recount my diet and exercise over the past week to see where I could improve and decided to do better this week. So I set some goals.

1. Work out at least 4 days this week.
2. Eat healthy and responsibly at my family Christmas Saturday.
3. Actually keep track of my water consumption every day.
4. Take my vitamin every morning.
5. Work on thinking positive thoughts about my progress. Don’t dwell on the negative.

For a long time I’ve wanted to do the Insanity workouts but was always afraid of them. I never felt like I was ready or strong enough. Tonight I just got brave and did it. I found one online and hooked my laptop to the TV and pushed play. I’m going to be straight up honest with you…I’m betting I walked in place for at least 1/8th of it if not more. It was hard stuff. I got the pain in my side, fought off puking at least 3 times, and my feet ached. It was the hardest workout I’ve ever done. I did the best I could and took breaks when I needed them and I felt proud when I was done. I sweat more than I ever have before during a workout. My hair was soaked!

Here’s my post workout tomato face sweaty selfie to help you better visualize my victory.

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I’m going to try to journal some positive thoughts each day to meditate on when the demons try to get to me. I’m also going to measure my water glass and make a chart to keep track of my water intake.

I’m not going to just keep doing the same things. In order to see results, I need to SEEK results. I will see a good number next week! I’m determined!

Rest Day

I used to always declare Sunday as my rest day when I first started. It was my day to rest and relax and give my muscles time to heal. Today I declared a rest day so that my hips and hiney could hopefully recover. That hard elliptical workout got me yesterday. While my body rested today, my mind wouldn’t. I couldn’t shut it off or stop the thoughts.

After last nights blog post, I was starting to feel so scared and vulnerable for putting so much out there. I second guessed myself all day and longed for companionship. I was lonely and wanted someone to spend my lazy Sunday rest day with. Of course my kids were here but it’s just not the same. They keep me busy for the most part but they are absolutely not content to just stay home and play or relax. They always want to be on the go all the time. I’m the exact opposite. I just want to stay in my own little comfort zone with my little family and selfishly soak up as much as I can from their childhood before times flies and they’re on their own. I just wish Tim could be here to share it with me. Sunday’s are so hard when he works. While most families are getting dressed for church, Tim is getting ready for work. While most families are putting together a nice family meal and sitting down at a set table, I have packed Tim leftovers and made him a pb&j sandwich to eat on the way. While most families sit down and snuggle around a family movie, I’m reading books to my kids and heading them off to bed early…alone.

You’d think that after 10 years of this lifestyle that it would get easier but it sure doesn’t. It’s hard to fight all of the temptations when I’m feeling like this. I used to bake a lot on Sunday’s and then once the kids were in bed I would binge on cupcakes until my stomach ached. That feeling of discomfort was strangely comforting. It was like I was filling this void with food. Today I did my very best to stay on track and eat right. I didn’t want to binge. I didn’t want to eat hurriedly while there was no one around. So I drank water and fidgeted on my phone and watched my scary show. I bet I drank 4 cold glasses of water during the 3 episodes I watched but I didn’t eat a single thing! That is a victory! I might be up all night with a full bladder but I conquered a demon. The Sunday rest day loneliness demon.

Thankfully this is my last rough Sunday for a few weeks and hopefully my emotions will be in check and I can enjoy Tim during his next few days off.

Tomorrow is weigh day. I’ve felt so good about my diet and exercise this past week. I know there’s room for improvement but I’ve done so much better than I had been doing. I just hope the scale really reflects my hard work. I’ve been researching heart rate and its role in weight loss and exercise and I’m starting to grasp the concept and the benefits of monitoring it. I’ve asked for a Polar brand heart rate monitor for Christmas and I hope we can afford it. I think it’ll really step up my game and take me to a new fitness level that I’ve never been to before.

Enough of my ramblings. Have a good night.

I died…

So I’ve been binge watching The Biggest Loser for several days now and there was a phrase today that really hit me hard. Jillian was talking to one of the contestants at his old homestead. It was basically a big hole in the ground where his childhood home had burned down. She asked him what happened that day that he stood staring and realized it was gone. His reply: “I died”.

I really could relate to that feeling. I remember dying over and over again throughout the first decade of my adult life. Every time I was rejected by someone I loved, I died. Every time I would feel angry for the way I was treated but held those feelings in, I died. Every time I would apologize for the sake of ending the argument, knowing I would NEVER hear an apology from the other end, I died. So many many many instances like that killed me.

I feel like I should add a little disclaimer right here. I have a tough relationship with my parents…my mom especially. I had hidden it and pretended all was hunky dory for years until I just couldn’t anymore. Things are still sometimes weird or rough but for the most part, things are better. So if you’re reading this, please don’t think I still carry around that anger anymore. Most days, I truly don’t.

Back to the part where I died, so I got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I literally felt dead inside. I was a shell of myself and I fought horrible visions in my head when I would close my eyes of killing myself. They were graphic and yet I didn’t even cringe when they happened. My feelings were so numb all the time. I had to shut off my eyes and ears so often to guard myself from the knives and daggers being thrown at me. I spent days in bed and made excuses for my lethargy. On a typical day I would wake Albany up and get her off to school. Feed Bowdy, turn the tv on and go back to bed while he entertained himself in the next room for several hours until lunch time. Then I would muddle through a quick meal and then curl up on the couch until Albany got home after school. I don’t remember putting forth any effort into my appearance unless I absolutely had to. I would make a point of knowing how many solid dats I had stayed at home. There were times where I would go 8-10 days and not leave the house. I seldom cleaned. I didn’t really cook. I mostly made quick convenience meals filled with carbs and salt.

I felt like I didn’t matter to anyone. I felt like no one cared about me. That no one liked me. And if they did act like they liked me that it wouldn’t last long. I didn’t trust my feelings and was paranoid all the time. I smiled in public but my heart was dead and my mind was numb. I tried not to think because thinking meant feeling and feeling was painful.

I’d say this went on for at least a year. I started seeing a therapist that let me talk for an hour and get my thoughts straight. She was so kind to me and always understood my feelings. She never made me feel negative about my feelings. She taught me that it was OK to feel the way I did about things. I wasn’t wrong or a bad child, mother or spouse. It didn’t happen overnight and I can’t say there was a breakthrough moment or anything. But in time, my anger didn’t scare me anymore. The vivid slideshow of my bloody wrist didn’t play as often in my mind. The good days started to outnumber the bad ones. My sadness started to feel ok to me…like I could cry if I felt like it. It was ok to get emotional during period week. It was ok to feel things.

I called that time in my life the period where I lived under a black cloud. I’ve also referred to it as falling in the black hole. Last week, I felt that way again. It came out of no where and I couldn’t shake it. I was sad and mad and bitter and then numb. I tried to tell Tim how I felt but the words didn’t come. I stood there looking out the window at the crazy winter birds on the woodpile while he wrapped his arms around me and just held me. I turned around and buried my head in his neck and sobbed. I was so scared. I didn’t want to go backwards. I had come so far and I never ever wanted to feel that way again. I had worked so hard to feel ok about myself and really try to love myself that that self hate scared me.

He didn’t say much of anything to me and didn’t know how to help but by letting me sob on his Carhartt tshirt without any judgement or fear of being hauled off to the loony bin was enough. He was there for me. He loved me. He would do whatever he could for me and that saved me from dying inside that day.

I’ve been really moved by a Taylor Swift song called Clean lately. I even cried as i belted it out in the car today. In the lyrics it’s clear that she’s talking about being over a guy after a breakup but I can relate to them in a completely different way. After feeling so scared of the black cloud last week, I’m feeling over it. The song says “And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean” I felt that way about the black cloud. I woke up and just started to feel better. I let myself feel feelings and emotions and cry it out. I had to face the fear of drowning before I realized the rain was what washed the bad away. I have been so moved to write lately. Not just a blog entry about my feelings but a real song or poem about the darkness. I feel like people could really relate to my fears.

I will never be cured of the random bouts of depression but I am so self aware that I know I can manage it on my own. I’m so much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I’ve faced so many demons head on and come out on top without too many scars. I’m doing ok…just another thing about this journey to appreciate. Night y’all.

Checking in

I feel bad because it seems I only blog when I’m having a rough time. It’s kind of my therapeutic way of getting all the negative headspace out and giving myself a pep talk. Lol! Well I feel like things are going well right now. This week I’ve had several silly little victories. 1. I went to Kirksville yesterday and did my shopping, got my shots and didn’t eat out! I came home and had lunch here. 2. Last night I fed my family whole wheat pasta and no one noticed or complained!!! 3. I did a 40 minute kickboxing workout video on the roku the other night (with an audience) and didn’t die and kept up with the cardio portion. I can’t say that I kept up with the choreography perfectly but i didn’t get winded to the point of having to stop! That’s a huge victory to me!

I have worked out 3 times this last week and tried really hard with my eating. I’ve drank at least 6 of my 24 oz glasses of water a day and only one pop at lunch the other day. I’m feeling good about things. The weekend is coming and the binge fairy is NOT going to pay a visit this weekend! I can’t handle the salt! Lol! My ankles and feet will thank me.

I ordered some rings that have my kids birthstones in them in a size 8 to fit my right ring finger. They’re too tight. ­čśŽ so that’s my new goal…to fit those rings on. They fit my left hand but not my right. Funny how our hands are different.

Last night Albany was doing her timed math facts sheet. She has 5 minutes to do 100 problems. She’s been working really hard to get them all finished correctly. Well last night was the first time in weeks that she didn’t get them all done. She cried…hard. I sent her to her room to think about why she was crying. When she came down we talked about how she was feeling: embarrassed, mad, sad, disappointed in herself, and frustrated. Then I asked her if she had done her best…she said she had. I told her that was ok that she missed 3 this time. She wasn’t piddling or not staying focused. She just did the best she could and that was all she could do. It was ok. She looked up at me with her sweet little face and one year slipped down her cheek and said “thank you mommy”. She said it with such relief that my heart just about broke knowing that she was that hard on herself.

I know another beautiful freckle faced woman that is hard on herself like that too…myself. Most days I expect perfection of myself at a level that no one could achieve. I never give myself grace or room for human error. I feel all of those emotions daily and rarely feel good enough. I’m working on giving myself grace. I’m working on doing the best I can. My best is good enough. I may not see huge results this week. I may not have the worlds best weigh in Monday but you know what…I did my best and that’s ok.

Today as I reflect on last nights conversation with Albany, I’m so proud of how I handled that situation and helped her. It’s so easy for me to encourage her and lift her up to be the best Albany she can be. I’m going to try to talk to myself the way that I talk to her. I’m going to encourage the voices in my head to be nicer. Lol! It sounds silly but I read a quote on Pinterest or somewhere that said “Never say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to your child.” We all know words can hurt but so can those thoughts that plague our minds.

I’m going to come up with a plan to stop the internal negativity. That will be my homework for the next week. Every day I will get better and better…we only get one life but I thank goodness every day that I have started to make the most of mine before it’s too late!

Some Sunday night thoughts.

I’m laying in bed and I feel like I should free my mind of some thoughts while the flies are buzzing my light and my heart is aching for my husbands company. This is his 4th straight day of working and it’s been a lonely holiday weekend without him.

I’ve battled some demons these past 4 days. I’m not gonna lie. It’s been rough and I have been high and low and all over the place with emotions. I have eaten ok. Not perfect but not bad. I know I probably sound like a broken record about this but money is tight and I’m just trying to do the best I can with what’s in the house. I went to the store Saturday but I had an entire $60 to spend on everything on my list so there wasn’t room for extras and believe me, I was dying for some orange juice for my smoothies and butter lettuce for my salads but they were replaced by staples for my family like milk and bread. One day I will get the luxury of grocery shopping without a budget like the good ol days but for now, it’s rough. I just keep telling myself that it’s only temporary. God always provides for us and I can still lose weight without fancy things.

So I got back into the exercise groove a little bit. Friday night I did an arms workout and a YouTube video of Zumba afterwards. Then tonight I did one of the workouts from my Can You 24 series. It was pretty rough getting back into it. I didn’t feel strong and I got winded so easily and those window washers bout killed me but I made it! I didn’t quit and I pushed through and burned some calories!!!

Tomorrow I plan to weigh in and I would love to see a loss. I honestly don’t care if it’s a small loss. I just want to be back in ONEderland and it’s less than a pound away. Totally doable!

I have been trying to work on christmas projects. I have a blanket to finish and a few dish cloths to make. I have been making tshirt yarn out of Tim’s old shirts and I would like to make a rug out of them for a gift. I’m doing a lot of homemade gifts this year for the women in my life and I think they’ll really appreciate them.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow andi plan to have a good weigh in and work on editing and spending time with Tim. I am way behind on my editing but I’m trying so hard not to feel guilty about it. I’ve been living my life the past few weeks and I have a right to enjoy my family. It’s not the end of the world if I’m a few weeks behind on my editing. It’ll get done soon enough. I just know that it would be a huge weight off my shoulders to get it all done.

I feel like I just rambled on for several paragraphs and I almost pity the person that reads this expecting a real and heartfelt post. lol! It sure isn’t but at least I cleared my mind and I can rest tonight. Tomorrow is a new week and a new month. Ready to get it started and do some things that makes better!