I have realized over the past few weeks that I’m not what I thought I could be. I thought I would blog and post inspirational things on facebook and have this rockin group that I was helping and inspiring. I thought I could change people. Then reality hit…I can’t change people, they have to be brave enough and willing to change themselves. As much as I loved writing this blog and sharing this wild ride, it wasn’t reaching people and touching them the way I had hoped. And throughout all of my mumbled mixed up thoughts the past few weeks, I’ve realized that I wasn’t doing any of this for the right reasons sometimes. I wanted people to notice my hard work and be proud of me. I wanted my family to be proud that I actually did something I’d set out to do. I wanted people who barely knew me to know me a little better and feel like they could do it too. I wanted to scream at those people that thought a miracle pill was the answer and prove to them that this was the ONLY right way to lose weigh: diet and exercise. I wanted to share some of my battles with mental illness so that I could help others see they weren’t alone or that they weren’t weird or bad people or any other stigmas that come with it.
The truth is, I’m not sure I’ve done any of those things I wanted to do and that’s ok. One thing I did learn is that I should have wanted to do this for me. Forget the haters, the unsupporters, the people who said they were inspired by me etc. Deep down I should have wanted this for me. I should have wanted to do it to feel proud of myself and accomplished for myself.
In the next 5 months I’m going to transform myself in even more ways. I’m signing up for the Bike Across Missouri bike ride. It’s 304 miles in 5 days and it starts in June. I’m not going to lie, I’m scared out of my mind. You know the one thing that scares me most though? It’s backing out and it doing it. I will be so disappointed in myself if I back out. Tomorrow I’m starting training and I will be giving myself daily pep talks and doing this 100% for me. I know I can…it’s just a matter of doing it.
So I’m saying farewell to anything that doesn’t support this huge goal of mine. Blogging on this blog isn’t going to get me where I want to be. This blog sadly took on the job of being my place to cry to when I was feeling insecure. That’s not going to happen anymore. No more insecurities. I was made for this kind of challenge and I’m going to prove it to myself!
I read a quote a long time ago that said “If your dreams don’t scare you, they’re not big enough”.
A few last thoughts, thank you to anyone who has been reading this blog and following my pity parties. Lol! I appreciate you and really hope you got what you were looking for when you came to my blog. I will be sharing my entire training journey on paper this time. I have a journal I’ve been keeping for some time now and that’ll be my own private place to share anything I want without expectations. I’m on Instagram and facebook and will probably share things there too. If you want to do anything for me, I’m accepting donations to go towards the fee to ride and any prayers, thoughts and good vibes would be so appreciated!
Dream big and then make yourself proud! That’s what I’m gonna do!