The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

WordPress.com

Month: November, 2015

I’m off to see the wizard

Ok so I’m really not seeing the wizard but tomorrow I really am driving 3.5 hours to see some kind of “quack” Doctor that a log of people have been ravinh about as s miracle healer. I told you all a while ago that I would tell you another time so the time is now. 

So the doctor I’m seeing is not a quack but I don’t know any other quick way to tell you about him so here’s the longer truthful version. He is a chiropractor that believes that you are affected by trauma emotionally and that it can settle in your body in the form of different ailments when you do not deal with it properly. He also has been quoted to not heal the body but he removes the roadblocks so that the body may heal itself. So I’m pretty excited to meet with him tomorrow. 

I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m seeing him. 2 reasons. Number 1 is that I have been having shortness of breath and getting very fatigued over menial things like carrying laundry up one flight of stairs. It’s to the point that I have to sit down until the dizziness passes. My allergy and asthma doctor wants me to use a daily inhaler that has been FDA approved to treat COPD. My insurance won’t pay for it unless I have more testing done and and more official diagnosis. I’m not super keen on the testing they are wanting me to do so I’m trying this. It is totally nontraditional and I’m ok with that. I am praying he can help me and I can give up all my meds. 

Second reason is way more personal but I’ll share. I have had troubles with irregular periods my entire adult life. Actually since I was 16 or before. Sometimes I would go months without them and then have 45 days straight of bleeding. I have been told over and over it was because of my weight or that I had PCOS. I just want to be normal in that area. I want to feel like a real woman. That effects my mood, my self worth, my ability to feel like a mom and wife. I just want to have all of that working properly and get my life back. I get so hormonal sometimes I think I have a mental illness. I spend a day here or there completely surrounded by darkness and I can’t function. I have tried everything and have no answers. This is my absolute last resort. I want to feel whole and not subject to the torment of my own brain and body. I don’t want to be a slave to the cycle and constantly keep track of my days just waiting for days 10-20 to suck me underwater. I want to live all 30 days of the month. Not just 10 or 20. 

I can’t eat or exercise my way out of this. I am at the end of my rope and so ready for a change. So there it is all laid out. If you’re a praying person please pray that I can get help tomorrow. Pray that I can be honest with him and that he hears my pleas. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. I have faith that my God led me in this path to finally get better. 

Advertisements

A day of reflection 

This morning I didn’t get up and workout. It caused some angry words and feelings between Tim and I because he says I always do this after about 3 days. He says I haven’t been sticking with anything longer than that and he had been right! 

It really got me thinking about the bigger picture. I lost my first 45 lbs within the first 8 months and it came off pretty easy. My last 20 lbs were the hardest and I tried everything from starving myself to working out 2-3 times a day. I realized that in those last 20 lbs I was so desperate to see a number quickly that I rushed it. I over did everything and what I did was completely unattainable long term. I am not a fitness freak. I do not get a thrill out of being a gym rat. I do not like to eat strictly vegetables day in and day out. 

So I realized (as I’m typing this with a heating pad on my back) that I cannot push myself to that point again. I am not desperate. I have plenty of time to get where I want to be. I hear all these phrases talking about consistency being key and to keep at it. And my own personal mantra is to never give up. And I fully intend to keep at it. I just need to realize that I’m 31 years old and NOT an athlete. I cannot push my body as hard as I think I can. The past two days I set a goal to row 5.3 miles on the rowing machine and I made it day 1 and day 2 got to 5.22 with a couple distractions. Could I do it? Absolutely. Should I do it? Um…I’m not feeling so good about it now, sitting here with an aching back and swollen ankle. 

So the moral of today’s post is that I need to keep being consistent and focus on exercising my heart and burning calories without hurting myself. Just because you can do something doesn’t always mean you should. Life lessons with Kristin. 

Honesty

So if you’re a faithful follower or subscriber you’ll know that I haven’t posted here for a while. I won’t offer any apologies or excuses. However, I will give you my honesty. I have gained 28.6 lbs since my lowest weight about a year ago. That’s maddening and makes me angry and disappointed in myself and downright disgusted. I’ve had to buy a size bigger jeans and wear a hair tie on the button to keep them comfortable on my belly. That’s so incredibly embarrassing to admit but it’s true and I have to practice a little tough love on myself. 

While I’m being honest, I need to admit that my anxiety, depression and hormones have come back with a vengeance. You know those awesome highs you get when you exercise and that serotonin kicks in and you feel almost high? Yep. Haven’t had that happen in a while. Today I got the adrenaline goosebumps during my workout and I haven’t felt those in about a year. I’m not going to lie, it’s been a tough year. I don’t want to work out and eat right. I don’t want to record my food into my fitness pal. I don’t want to lay my workout clothes out at 9:00pm (when I go to bed now). I don’t want to get up at 5:00am. Mostly I don’t want to admit and embrace the change that my life is forcing me to make. 

Tim works days now. I say that like its a new thing but truthfully, he’s been working days since August or before. Our schedule has drastically changed and I have not wanted to change with it. I still want to stay up late, sleep in and exercise whenever I want to. Preferable around 10 or 11 am. But I don’t get that luxury anymore. I have to schedule a time to exercise now. I have to consciously plan for that time every day instead of just waiting til I feel like it. And that isn’t how I roll. I don’t like changing my routine. I especially don’t like to do it because others want me to.

When Tim changed his schedule, he wanted me to get up and be awake when he left. I resisted it for weeks. Then I tried getting up around 4:50 and journaling and exercising before he left. And I didn’t like it then. It felt so forced and unnatural. So today I tried it differently. I set my alarm to a song instead of the annoying beeping. I set it for 5:00am on the dot. I got up and got dressed and drank my pre-workout drink checked Facebook and instagram and was on the rower by 5:30. I did what I actually like to do in the mornings. I was about 10 minutes into my workout and decided I was going to row 5.3 miles in 30 minutes. That’s no easy task and I wasn’t sure I would make it. I used to try to row 5 miles in 30 minutes and that was hard even after I’d been at it a few weeks. So I knew 5.3 was pushing it. But I pepped talked myself through those last 7 minutes and started counting 10 sets of rows and before I knew it, 30 minutes had passed and I was at 5.3 on the dot! So that proves that I can do it if I set my mind to it and focus. 

I hope to blog more often. That really seemed to help when I first started this journey and I pray to get back where I was by the end of the year. It will be hard and I might get mad and cry or my own dang mind will try to get in my way like it so often does but I’m going to keep pushing. Here’s to the next 28.6 lbs! 

My short term goal is to exercise Monday through Friday this week in the morning just like today. Then walk or cut wood this weekend to stay active. I plan to log my food on my fitness pal and I hope to be back in te 2teens by Tuesday. My phone is being sluggish or I would elaborate more about Tuesday but that gives me something to talk about tomorrow. Hope everyone reading this has a good day!