Honesty

by kristinwood

So if you’re a faithful follower or subscriber you’ll know that I haven’t posted here for a while. I won’t offer any apologies or excuses. However, I will give you my honesty. I have gained 28.6 lbs since my lowest weight about a year ago. That’s maddening and makes me angry and disappointed in myself and downright disgusted. I’ve had to buy a size bigger jeans and wear a hair tie on the button to keep them comfortable on my belly. That’s so incredibly embarrassing to admit but it’s true and I have to practice a little tough love on myself. 

While I’m being honest, I need to admit that my anxiety, depression and hormones have come back with a vengeance. You know those awesome highs you get when you exercise and that serotonin kicks in and you feel almost high? Yep. Haven’t had that happen in a while. Today I got the adrenaline goosebumps during my workout and I haven’t felt those in about a year. I’m not going to lie, it’s been a tough year. I don’t want to work out and eat right. I don’t want to record my food into my fitness pal. I don’t want to lay my workout clothes out at 9:00pm (when I go to bed now). I don’t want to get up at 5:00am. Mostly I don’t want to admit and embrace the change that my life is forcing me to make. 

Tim works days now. I say that like its a new thing but truthfully, he’s been working days since August or before. Our schedule has drastically changed and I have not wanted to change with it. I still want to stay up late, sleep in and exercise whenever I want to. Preferable around 10 or 11 am. But I don’t get that luxury anymore. I have to schedule a time to exercise now. I have to consciously plan for that time every day instead of just waiting til I feel like it. And that isn’t how I roll. I don’t like changing my routine. I especially don’t like to do it because others want me to.

When Tim changed his schedule, he wanted me to get up and be awake when he left. I resisted it for weeks. Then I tried getting up around 4:50 and journaling and exercising before he left. And I didn’t like it then. It felt so forced and unnatural. So today I tried it differently. I set my alarm to a song instead of the annoying beeping. I set it for 5:00am on the dot. I got up and got dressed and drank my pre-workout drink checked Facebook and instagram and was on the rower by 5:30. I did what I actually like to do in the mornings. I was about 10 minutes into my workout and decided I was going to row 5.3 miles in 30 minutes. That’s no easy task and I wasn’t sure I would make it. I used to try to row 5 miles in 30 minutes and that was hard even after I’d been at it a few weeks. So I knew 5.3 was pushing it. But I pepped talked myself through those last 7 minutes and started counting 10 sets of rows and before I knew it, 30 minutes had passed and I was at 5.3 on the dot! So that proves that I can do it if I set my mind to it and focus. 

I hope to blog more often. That really seemed to help when I first started this journey and I pray to get back where I was by the end of the year. It will be hard and I might get mad and cry or my own dang mind will try to get in my way like it so often does but I’m going to keep pushing. Here’s to the next 28.6 lbs! 

My short term goal is to exercise Monday through Friday this week in the morning just like today. Then walk or cut wood this weekend to stay active. I plan to log my food on my fitness pal and I hope to be back in te 2teens by Tuesday. My phone is being sluggish or I would elaborate more about Tuesday but that gives me something to talk about tomorrow. Hope everyone reading this has a good day! 

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