The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Month: December, 2015

New year, same me

*Warning! This post is full of sarcasm and tough love*
Yep. I said it. This year I will be the same me. Gasp! Did I really just say that?!? If you know me very well you know I despise doing something just because “everyone is doing it”. I literally hate to fall into marketing ploys and being forced to keep current with trends. That being said, yesterday and today my Facebook news feeds and Instagram feeds are full of this new year new me crap. It’s a big load of bull! I’m going to call every single person on it though come February when they’re whining around and not content with their “new me” that they didn’t properly prepare to become. What I mean to say is, if you’re going to become a new you for just a month or a day or even a single year, you should be prepared to tackle all of the challenges that come with it. I’ve compiled a quick list of things you’ll need to be prepared for.

1. You will NOT want to be this new you every.single.day. You will get so sick of this person you thought you wanted to become and you’ll probably give up. 

2. You will fail at least twice. You will relapse. You will binge eat on plain Lays potato chips. You will scarf 2 helpings of chocolate cake in the break room while everyone is working. You will skip your workouts for two+ weeks straight. Will you still feel like the new you after that? 

3. You will have to dig out your fat pants…again. So here’s the scenario, it’s March 15th and you had been bragging all over Facebook about losing 30 lbs a month ago and now you’re faced with tight, wiggling doesn’t do any good, I’m gonna die if I button these pants pants. So you cry, you beat yourself up and you dig your fat pants out and you cry some more. 

4. You will start to hate carrots and yogurt and almonds and lean chicken. The foods that you think are healthy and consume on a regular basis to get to your ideal size will become less and less appealing every single vicious crunch…

5. Lastly you will fall into your same old patterns over and over and you will start to hate yourself again. You will spend a few days beating yourself up about it and then you’ll rationalize that you are fine. That you like the way you look. You will convince yourself that you’re not that unhealthy. And you’ll become that same person you were the previous year on December 31st. 
Here’s my best advice to stop that ridiculous cycle…just stop doing it.  It’s plain and simple. Realize that you’re awesome just the way you are and that dieting and exercising and losing 30 lbs is NOT going to make you happy unless you CHOOSE to be happy. Because I can speak from experience…I have literally worked my ass off for the past 2 1/2 years and no matter how many lbs I lost, I just wasn’t happy. You know what made me happy? Choosing to step back, soak my life in and choosing to see the glass as half full instead of half empty. 

Here I am at 228 lbs wearing a size 18 comfortably and feeling the best of my life and I haven’t exercised in 3 weeks. Want to know my secret? I make a choice every single day. 

Choose to be healthy. Choose to eat 14 cupcakes. Choose to run a marathon. Choose to become a firefighter. Choose to go back to school. Choose to filter your Facebook feed. Just for Pete’s sake, do something. January 1st, 2016 isn’t going to save you only you can save you!  But you can make damn sure, if I see you running on the treadmill January 1st for the first time ever, I’m going to cheer you on because YOU are awesome and I want you to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. 

  

Let me paint a picture for you. It’s not a pretty one. In fact it’s downright ugly and sad and depressing. Its rating outside, the house reeks of burnt bacon grease and you enter a bedroom. On the bed is 8 stacks of clothes, several trash bags and a very sad overweight person who is mentally trying her best to claw her way out of this hole. 

That person is me. I’m struggling so bad and I am so upset and frustrated with myself. I’ve been lying to myself for weeks and putting in half assed work and expecting miracle results. I have been struggling so bad with this new life schedule and Tim’s new hours and trying to be happy and finding that inner peace and it’s just not working. 

I have been trying to reflect on what worked in the beginning and I have decided to get there again. I am not in the right mindset to blog about this new plan but for today, I’m going to do my best to get through it and mentally prepare. I’m going to sort these clothes into trash bags labeled 200 and 190. That is the weight I will have to get to to pull these bags out again. I’m removing all of this negativity and trying my best to stop dragging myself down. I’m only keeping clothes in my closet and drawers that makes me happy to wear. I know that has limited my wardrobe drastically but it’s been really weighing me down. I need to feel happy again. I crave that happiness and I hope to get back there in the next few weeks. I’m exhausted from thinking myself into circles. 

  

He saved me! 

I’m sure some of you might know it but I’m a highly spiritual person and that I believe nothing is coincidence. I feel that God’s plan is always in place and He knows exactly what is going to happen. I have had numerous experience where He is clearly very present in my life. 

With all that said, I want to give a little visual of how my morning went. I made excuse after excuse and ended up sleeping in past my workout time. I could tell Tim was irritated with me because he likes to spend a little time with me in the morning too and I blew all that off today (and the entire week for that matter). But then when I did get up I headed upstairs to wake the kids, opened Bowdy’s pants drawer and they were all in disarray. He clearly didn’t put them away nicely. So instead if waking him with my chipper mom tone, I grumped at him about the state of his drawers. Then I went to wake Albany and she wouldn’t budge. Mind you, I’ve been having trouble getting them up lately do I put them to bed at 7:00 pm last night and she was still awake at 8:40! So I was grumpy that she was still exhausted despite my efforts. So I grumbled my way down the stairs and fixed Albany’s lunch like usual, flopped down and zoned out to my phone. Not too long after, they both come in babbling and bickering up and storm and I just get grumpier and grumpier. I gave several lectures this morning and even yelled at Albany for being ugly to Bowdy as they walked out the door. So immediately after, I snuggled back into bed and decided to sleep off my grumpiness and try to forget about the bad morning. 

I had been in bed playing on my phone for about 30 minutes and in that time, I get a text and a private message on Facebook inviting me to do something today. These are the low moments when I used to feel terribly isolated and I feel like God used those invited to shake that isolation away. I mean how often do people get 2 invites in one day!?! So I still ignored this a bit and started messing on Facebook again and bam! A video with a song mashup of 2015 was on my feed so I decided to watch it through all the way. By the last minute, I was feeling motivated to workout. To feel the thump in my ears from my headphones. To feel the pulse in my temples from my heartbeat. To feel the rower handles in my hands and to feel the burn in my biceps. I have never actually HAD the urge or yearn to workout. I usually go into autopilot mode and make myself do it. I opened my curtains to feel some sunshine and see this:

  
I literally gasped and said “oh wow” out loud when I saw it. It’s so beautiful with the sunshine and the frost! I knew exactly what I was supposed to do. So I put on my workout clothes and headed upstairs. The first song on pandora playing was The Writer by Ellie Goulding. It’s an amazing song that I’ve always loved but today it had even more meaning. 

When I heard the lyrics they just soaked into my being. I knew I needed God’s help today or else I was quickly headed down a slippery slope straight into the black hole that I used to spend hours and days and weeks wallowing in. God truly saved me today.