The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

Month: March, 2016

A day at work

So today at work our daycare director was going around snapping photos of our cute kiddies to post on our Facebook page. I tried my dangedest to get out of the shots but somehow she still managed to get me in one of them. And truthfully, she snapped one of my most vulnerable features. I generally and ridiculously self conscious about my midsection. My belly has so much extra skin and when I sit down it just kinda piles up on my lap. My arms always look like fat stumps with hands just jammed on like play doh. I never thought I had pretty hands and wrists. I hated the way watches made me feel about my wrists. And let’s not even get started with my hateful relationship with my boobs! Gah! They’re so stupid. Why can’t they just disappear after we nourish our children? Jeez! My just managed to deflate and kind of just hang around guarding my belly button or something. Idk. Enough whining about how much I hate my midsection. Here’s the photo, cropped of course because I wouldn’t want to breach any privacy by showing you the gorgeous children I get to spend my days with. 

Yep. That’s me in all my glory, peeling my little cutie orange. And you know what? I don’t hate the way I look here. There I stand still weighing in around 230 but I am totally ok with that body I see. Those hands are graceful and strong. Those forearms show beauty and poses the strength to lift those 30 pound butterballs several times a day for kisses and loves. That belly that I used to see as so awful is practically nonexistent in this photo. And that thigh looks pretty slim too! 
In the past two weeks I have had 2 women that had not seen my weight or knew what I weighed guessed me at 185. I’ve struggled with making heads or tails of that info. The only conclusion that I can come to is that my body must carry a lot more muscle than I ever realized. Since muscle weighs more than fat, I must be really strong. I also have known how to dress this body for a long time. I pride myself on the ability to pick out flattering attire that accentuates my figure instead of squeezing it in. 
Enough of my bragging. I’m headed to shower and bed because those 11 babies wear a girl out! I’m going to close with this, no matter what you think your body looks like, you’re probably wrong. You are gorgeous in any shape or size. Your body will always be your vessel and the transportation device for your mind, heart and soul. Don’t lie to yourself and beat yourself down about your body image. I’m here to tell you that body acceptance is a real deal. Come to terms with it and you’ll be so much happier!


I’m scared…

I’m scared and I can’t do this anymore. What am i scared of? Seeing that god awful 240 number on the scale. Not fitting in my favorite pair of size 16 jeans again. Seeing my fat cheeks again. Feeling constricted and panicked in my own skin. Getting winded painting my toenails. Feeling like a slave to my food choices and a schedule. 

For almost a year, I have stopped focusing on myself and my health and it seemed fun at the time. I mean, I still feel pretty great actually. I don’t look at my nakedness and hate it. I feel like I’m strong and happy and loved more than ever. But something is missing. I never really found a beautiful balance in my healthy lifestyle. I never felt secure and in charge. I felt like my world could just spin around at any moment and I’d be stuck under the house in my sparkly shoes and striped stockings just like in the Wizard of Oz. 

My life is now starting its third week of more newness and change and I’m so scared. I want to be happy still. I want to stay strong. I don’t want to feel too much. I like to be in charge and it’s scary when feelings start creeping in. I have never really known how to channel feelings into healthy and beautiful things. I have been given some pretty amazing talents gifts and abilities. Why not put them to use when I start to get the feels? 

I know this post is rambling but I need to get these thoughts out of my head. This blog is my journal, my diary, my unbiased friend and my release. I will continue to use it that way. The fact that I have loving readers is a bonus. Haha!

What I’m trying to say is that I’m back at it. I hate when people post crap to get attention when they’re starting a new life change but tomorrow is day 1 of 21. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit so off I go! I’m taking it 21 days at a time and I will get back to my happy healthy place. I’m ready this time.