I’m scared and I can’t do this anymore. What am i scared of? Seeing that god awful 240 number on the scale. Not fitting in my favorite pair of size 16 jeans again. Seeing my fat cheeks again. Feeling constricted and panicked in my own skin. Getting winded painting my toenails. Feeling like a slave to my food choices and a schedule.
For almost a year, I have stopped focusing on myself and my health and it seemed fun at the time. I mean, I still feel pretty great actually. I don’t look at my nakedness and hate it. I feel like I’m strong and happy and loved more than ever. But something is missing. I never really found a beautiful balance in my healthy lifestyle. I never felt secure and in charge. I felt like my world could just spin around at any moment and I’d be stuck under the house in my sparkly shoes and striped stockings just like in the Wizard of Oz.
My life is now starting its third week of more newness and change and I’m so scared. I want to be happy still. I want to stay strong. I don’t want to feel too much. I like to be in charge and it’s scary when feelings start creeping in. I have never really known how to channel feelings into healthy and beautiful things. I have been given some pretty amazing talents gifts and abilities. Why not put them to use when I start to get the feels?
I know this post is rambling but I need to get these thoughts out of my head. This blog is my journal, my diary, my unbiased friend and my release. I will continue to use it that way. The fact that I have loving readers is a bonus. Haha!
What I’m trying to say is that I’m back at it. I hate when people post crap to get attention when they’re starting a new life change but tomorrow is day 1 of 21. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit so off I go! I’m taking it 21 days at a time and I will get back to my happy healthy place. I’m ready this time.