Random title huh? Haha! I have been trying to wrap my brain around a blog post for weeks now. I wanted it to be clever and maybe funny and noteworthy. But I’m just going to attack it head on and hope no one cares about my ramblings.
I started June out with a 10 day sugar detox. With the help and support of my cousin who is vegan, I managed to go 12 days without sugar!!! Can you believe it! In my heart, I had really hoped to go 21 days, cheat a little and then go back to it indefinitely. Something happened after 12. Life got busy and I didn’t plan. I will tell you honestly, that detox might’ve been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When au gratin potatoes are smelling up the whole daycare and the sweet cook offers you treats, it about did me in. I refused her goodies on several occasions and felt like a royal ass. But I survived it. And it left me 7.5 lbs lighter and 2 inches smaller. The results were phenomenal and I was convinced that sugar was my drug addiction. I still stand firmly planted on that statement. But I am and probably always will be a recovering food addict. I started to make poor choices, I started another affair with the devil drink and I started wearing stretchy pants and popping stool softeners like candy. Truthfully, I know I need to do better. I know I can. But I still need to decide to just do it.
4 days ago, I had a real actual surgery in a hospital to have some glass taken out of my toe that had been there 8 months. Yep, you read it right…8 months! It was another bump in the road. Now I’m sitting here with my 6 stitches on the bottom of my toe and my legs reclined with an ice pack because I’m battling some embarrassing swelling in my ankles from working a 10 hour days yesterday in the nursery on my feet. Thank goodness I’m able to rest and recover today.
So what I’m trying to say is that life is happening all around me. Do I really want to pull myself out of the mix and focus just on me? Or do I want to live fully immersed with my kids/husband, my work and my life? I need to find that balance. Looking back, I’ve been fighting this fight with my weight for a good solid 3 years now and I can honestly say, I’ve been all or nothing in it. In the beginning, I didn’t have a job and my kids were both in school. I didn’t have a single responsibility besides keeping house and chauffeuring kids. Now I work two jobs, occasionally take photos still, run to ball games nearly every day and try to run a household halfway decent. I am busier than ever and I’m not sure I want to spend the next decade watching it all from the sidelines. I love watching my kids play ball. I love caring for those sweet babies at daycare. I love having my husband be my partner in this new routine and working together with him on managing this house. When I pull back and focus on me, I feel incredibly selfish.
I read an article on Facebook the other day titled I’m not the woman you married. Every word in that article was me. Ian absolutely not the woman Tim married. I’m like a manager of this house. Do you know I ripped him a new on the other day over throwing away a $10 frog tog thingie? I was furious because I was not consulted about that decision. Do you know what I was doing? Sleeping off an approaching panic attack before it consumed me. I went to bed at 7:45 that night after crying over everything to Tim. While I was sleeping, he was working on cleaning the kitchen. And I was awful to him. He deserves better from me. My kids deserve more from me. I deserve more from myself. Do I think that adding 30 minutes of exercise a day is going to help our situation? Probably not. Will it make things better if I’m hyper focused on eating sugar free or paleo or vegan or whatever? I really doubt it. So why rock the boat? Why turn myself into something or someone that might not really improve my household or situation?
That’s the question I keep asking myself. What can I do to make my life better? That is what I plan to meditate and pray on for the next few weeks. Things are slowing down, ball games are about over. Summer school will be out Friday. I’m planning to focus and prioritize my life so that it gets better and not worse. Maybe I’ll clean those cobwebs out of my cupboard. Maybe I won’t. Either way, I’m still a good person with good intentions just doing the best I can with this life God gave me.