I’ve had a lot of things on my mind the past several months since I’ve posted here. So I decided to just list my thoughts in bullet form so that this post can stay semi organized.
– I don’t want to lose weight just to lose weight. I want to truly become the best version of myself. And maybe the best version of myself happens to be 240 lbs. maybe it is 200 lbs or maybe it’s 265 lbs. No matter what the numbers on the scale or the numbers on the tape measure, I will always measure my health by how I feel.
– This blog used to be a safe place. I used to be able to write and write and write about all of my thoughts and feelings. And the truth is, I have to be more guarded now. I have to protect my heart and keeping some of my feelings inside and internalize them in a healthy way is what I feel is right for me. I used to eat away my feelings or exercise away my frustrations. Or I used to hyperfocus on eating just a certain way and I ended up being miserable. The overplanning and overthinking and over analyzing was literally driving my further into the hole, all while telling myself that it was making me better.
– I have taken a sacred vow to honor my body. I am currently working towards becoming a yogi. Part of our training is learning our bodies and honoring them. We are also learning that every body is very very different but also sort of the same. But each person is unique. Each day I ask myself several times, is this honoring my body? Is drinking a Mountain Dew a day honoring my body? Is sitting for hours watching Reign or American Horror Story honoring my body? Is eating just until I’m comfortable honoring my body? The point is, I truly want to honor my body. I don’t want to push it beyond its limits or to a point where I will injure it. I also do not want to be sick from eating tomatoes or peppers or from overeating. I am making choices all the time about honoring my body.
– It is completely ok not to help people with their weight loss journeys. It is ok to tell people good luck ad that’s it. I do not have to help people unless they specifically reach out to me and seek help, and even then, I am NOT obligated to do that. I do not owe anything to anyone. I am not responsible for other people’s happiness and or health. I have been working on allowing myself some truth and grace.
That’s enough rambling for now. I don’t know if or when I will write again. I just had some thoughts to put down and wanted to record them somewhere. Technology is a beautiful thing sometimes. Good night!