The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Month: December, 2016

About last night…

So it’s been months since my last binge. I honestly can’t remember the last time I sat down and binge ate until I was sick. So that is huge progress. I feel like a recovering addict some days except my drug of choice is absolutely necessary to live-food. 

With that said, I’m sure if you’ve been reading my blog you’ll know I’m not on a “diet plan” or specific “workout routine”. I’m living my life and honoring my body along the way. I am working towards sustaining a healthy lifestyle and enlightenment and happiness. In the beginning of this crazy journey, I was under this delusion that I was doing everything the “right way” and that losing 40 lbs in 2 months was fantastic! When really I was working out twice a day and really restricting calories and carbs. Would I go back and change anything? Absolutely not. The lessons I learned in those 2 years of my life will forever be imprinted on my brain. Every experience, every binge, every guilty feeling, every new day, start over, detox, reset, hard workout…they were all experiences to teach me something. Every one of them taught me that I am in control. They taught me that I make my own choices and I choose whatever happiness or success I attain. 

So back to last night. I was spiraling. In fact, I’ve been spiraling for a good two weeks now. Life gets hard sometimes. Things happen that are out of your control. People hurt you, sometimes intentionally. My old coping mechanism would be to binge. I would consume thousands of calories, stretch my stomach to the point of aching and go to bed for days sometimes. I would curl into the fetal position with poison in my belly and beg my husband to just be there for me. 

Last night I could feel it…I was on the verge of landing hard after this downward spiral. I knew I was going to blow. I cried over muddy dog prints on the carpet. I cried because I missed my brother. I cried because I just wanted a nice calm Christmas with my dads pancakes. I cried because I miss my cousins and aunts and uncles that I didn’t get to see last weekend. I cried because my heart hurt and my brain was full of ping pong balls bouncing around and I couldn’t quiet it. I talked it out a bit with Tim, my dad on the phone and then my mom on the phone. It helped a little bit. But what helped the most was drinking a tall glass of cold water and just going to bed. 

I didn’t realize until I woke up today with a growling stomach what I had accomplished last night and I wasn’t even aware that I had done it. I had conquered the binge beast without even batting an eye! All of my experiences up to now had been grooming me for that moment. Every hard lesson was leading up to this monumental moment. Last night was the first time in probably a year that I had to face those demons and accept those awful painful feelings. Up until then everything had been easily manageable and I felt great. 

So I guess this post is to share my triumph. It may not seem like much to some people. But my own strength amazes me daily. And I am proud. 

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Big news to share!

So I wanted to take a little time and share something in this little space on the interwebs for the few people that read this crazy online diary of mine. I will start out with the big news and then I’ll just ramble. How does that sound? Haha!

My big news is that in the spring, I will be a certified yoga instructor! Great stuff, right?!? I’m pretty excited to share my knowledge with others and my passion for what has literally changed my life. I just completed the second module last night and I am ridiculously proud of myself. 

The first day of classes was a month ago and I was almost paralyzed with fear, sitting in my car in the parking lot, posting a vague Facebook status begging for encouragement. And I took that first step, got out of the car with my heart literally aflutter and went in. I joined the group, I did my best, and I grew. My heart was exactly where it was supposed to be. So then after that first module a month ago, I came home and worked on some things and tried to become an even better version of myself. I set daily intentions. I practiced yoga more often than I ever had. I truly dove in head first into the mindset of the practice. When I started this second module this past weekend, I felt pretty confident and not so much like a beginner. After this weekend was over, I was literally overflowing with excitement. I came home and showed my kids some new poses I learned. I bubbled over chatting with my husband until he fell asleep while I was still chattering. I went to sleep with a new warmth in my heart. 

I want to explain my new plan for life so maybe someone else can benefit from my advice. I have no intentions of losing 40 lbs in 2 months like I did 3 years ago. I have my doubts that I will even lose 40 lbs in the next year. I know that I will not be the stereotypical “yoga instructor body” that you see all over tv. And trust me, I’ve gotten some mean looks and words when I’ve announced my intentions. I accept that this small town mindset of the world is very closed off from accepting others who appear different. I’m ok with that. I have prepared my mind the best I could for those negative judgements. I have not had much support in this endeavor and I have come to terms with that. But mark my words, when people see that I have something they want, they will be curious and they will start asking questions and they will want in on what they think is my little secret. And guess what?!? I WILL SHARE IT WITH THEM!!! Isn’t that great? 

So in conclusion I want you to know that I’m in a good place right now…a great place actually. I am healthy. I am strong. I am capable. And I am happy.