I have a confession to make. I have three huge totes of beautiful clothes stacked in my basement disguised as Christmas decorations. See photos for proof:
They’re all too small for me but I used to wear them. I am so ashamed to admit all this because I want everything to seem just peachy but I have gained 10 lbs in the past year. I am the heaviest I’ve been in 3 years and while everything in my life seems to be going for me, this little ugly part of me is just killing me slowly.
I tried to stay happy and positive and I was promoting body positivity and all the while I haven’t been very comfortable in mine. Yesterday I had to talk myself out of a panic attack while driving because my bra was pulling into my neck because the weight of my boobs and my shirt just felt so tight I thought I was suffocating! It was one of the worst feelings I’ve had in years. I don’t know if it was another “rock bottom” moment but I’m sure scared of what could be coming if I don’t make some huge changes.
A little update on my life: I’m taking classes to become a yoga instructor and I’m loving them! I’m so enthusiastic about teaching positivity and self love through that outlet and I’m soaking up every single morsel of info that I can about that. My schedule is nuts between training and classes and my kids schedules and my other two jobs. So I just quit one of them. It was painfully obvious that my time there was done. My last day was two days ago.
Since then I’ve literally been walking circles in my house and living my life on Facebook and petting my dog. I have felt triggers coming on and I have journaled and tried my best to tackle them head on but I’m scared shitless. February has always been a very tough month for me and I’m so scared it’s going to hit me hard and I’m going to lose my mind.
To be honest I’m not who I want to be right now and I don’t know if I have the ambition or will power to become her. Right now I lay in bed after the kids get on the bus and play on my phone. I eat a huge bowl of shredded wheat for breakfast and hope it keeps me full til supper so I’m not tempted to binge. I watch tv and journal and make to do lists that I half ass do and then act like I have been fairly productive. I don’t want to fall into that rabbit hole. I don’t want to cry every day and eat Lays potato chips until my ankles swell from all the salt and I can’t sleep from the caffeine that I’ve closet drank.
I want to thrive dammit! I want to get dressed in the morning. I want to do my yoga and journal and sip some tea. I want to make a to do list while I catch up on a bit of social media and then I want to just tackle it. I want to make the most of my days and be happy when Tim gets home from work with a supper lovingly made and ready for him. I want to be perky and pretty and looking nice in case someone just pops by. I want to be motivated and positive and full of this beautiful blue energy. Instead I’m seeing reds and blacks when I close my eyes.
Those clothes in my basement had been forgotten until today. It’s my brothers birthday and I wanted to wear something different than my same old stuff to his birthday dinner. So I found a little courage to open them and I hope it will help motivate me to do better. To maybe lose 10-20 lbs in the next few months. Those clothes are beautiful and they reminded me of the times I was floating on air. There was a gray tank top that was an XL that I wore at my 30th birthday party and it brought back so many memories of my confidence and spunk and the friends I had at my party who loved me and thought I was pretty fun to be around. I’m not really sure people feel that way now. I feel like maybe I’ve pushed them all away. Maybe I’ve turned too much inward. Maybe winter is just hard to get out and socialize. Maybe maybe maybe…
Now that I’ve confessed these things on my internet diary, I can grow. I feel like I can try to do better. I feel like the size I was when I wore those clothes isn’t so far away. Maybe I can count down how many workouts I’ll need to fit in them. Or how many days I’ll have to eat low carb or cut out pop and sugar. It can be done. I just need to take better care of myself and put me first again. I want to truly love myself again. Once that happens, everything else will fall into place.