The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

Month: May, 2017

Thirty two days

So I didn’t share anything Monday on my actual “weigh day” for lots of reasons. Number 1, I didn’t feel like it. I had a day off and I was tired. I had heard some terrible sad tragic news from the day before that didn’t directly impact my life but it made me incredibly sad and I ate away my feelings that day. So I knew Mondays weigh in would be bad. Number 2, I really needed to process the weight gain. Yep you read that right. I gained 1.8 lbs. 

It’s ok though. Because I started my period today! That is exactly 32 days between cycles. And maybe it’s breakthrough bleeding, maybe it’s spotting or old blood or whatever. But I’m calling THAT a win folks! I’m pretty sure that 1.8 lbs is because of Aunt Flo getting ready to make her appearance and the pop and chips I had Sunday. 

So I’m not beating myself up. In fact a good friend of mine made the comment 

“I have been diagnosed with PCOS, too, and it’s such a downer. I think it helps to adopt a more holistic view of health. In this country, we are so quick to equate thinness and health, when that is not an accurate measure of health at all. At my smallest weight, my hair fell out and I didn’t have a period for 9 months. That’s not healthy. Instead of “What do I weigh?” being the main (or only) question I ask to evaluate my health, I have added some others to the list. How much energy do I have to do the things I love? Am I fueling my body well? Am I treating food like a reward or exercise like a punishment? How am I sleeping? How does my body respond to illness? How am I handling stress? All of those responses have way more to do with my health than the number on the scale. Good health involves so much more than being thin. Kudos to you for pursuing overall health and wholeness and for bringing others along on the journey!”

And yes I had to quote her because she is ABSOFREAKINGLOUTELY RIGHT! All of these things that we should be using to gauge our health are being forgotten because of our obsession with the scale. So I plan to weigh weekly to stay on track, I am NOT going to let that take control. I’m going to keep pushing forward for my health. I will continue to make good rating choices, take my supplements, and exercise often. 

Speaking of exercise, today I took a picture of myself in a pose that I struggled with for years to celebrate my accomplishments in yoga and I didn’t hate myself. I embraced and honored every single curve of my body. I valued the muscles that were prominent and sculpted and I celebrated the beautiful shape that I can contort my body into. Yoga is beautiful and I am grateful every single day for what it has taught me and helped me overcome. 

– namaste


Pcos is the devil

I went to see an endocrinologist a week ago and I’m still reflecting on that visit. I’ve been busy and haven’t really had any time to put any cohesive thoughts together but I felt really drawn to share my experience because PCOS is such an awful disease that is so hard to understand and treat. In fact it’s so hard that my regular nurse practitioner (at the ob/gyn office) took 3 visits over the course of a year before she finally admitted to me that we’ve done everything that she knows and she was basically stumped. So I begged her for a referral and thankfully she went with it. 

Now in searching for one, I went to the website for my insurance and found one that was a woman, that my insurance took and that was fairly close to home. I found one in Quincy,Il. I have family there and thought it would be a pretty good choice since their facilities seem pretty current and updated. I was quite wrong. 

Let me go backwards a little bit. I was diagnosed formally with pcos in 2000 and treated with birth control and told to loose weight. That was it. Nothing more. Guess what?!? In 2017…17 years later I was told the exact SAME thing! How can medicine not have advanced much in 17 years for those with pcos. I was so frustrated and angry. I ugly cried right there in that little office when she handed me an outdated flyer that had been photocopied so many times it was blurry and spotted with black ink. I told her “I live in a world that is promoting health and wellness and I just cannot do it anymore in this big body”. Do you know what she said? “It sounds like you could benefit from a visit with a dietician. Would you like us to set you up an appointment?” I’m pretty sure she really should have feared for her life at that moment but she was completely oblivious to the hurricane swirling inside my mind and my body. I took her paper, grabbed a handful of Kleenex , held my beet face high and kept my cool as I left her office, defeated once again by lack of knowledge of this disease. I held it together until I hit the car and the storm raged. Looking back I feel pretty bad for Tim because he tried. He really tried to console me but I was beyond that. I was done. I was so pissed at the medical community and you know, maybe I just haven’t found the right doctor to help me. Maybe there truly isn’t any new research. Maybe this is simply the unknown result of our crappy diets and lack of exercise for so long. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I’ve lost the weight before. I’ve been a slave to my diet before. I’ve lived off low carb/high fat before. I’ve worked out at high intensity twice a day before. I’ve fasted for 18 hours a day before. I’ve seen a holistic type doctor before. It was miserable and unsustainable. I want a lifestyle change that I can live with for the rest of my life. I wanted blood tests and actual fact based results. I wanted something definitive and tangible. I wanted to make a change for the better but I’m stuck. I didn’t know where else to turn. And that endocrinologist failed me. I’m still waiting on that office to call me with an appointment for blood work. I think I might be a grandma someday still waiting on that one. 

So enough being bitter. Enough of the pity party. I’ve allowed myself a week to ruminate and now I’ve decided to get on with the inevitable. Bottom line is that I truly do need to lose weight. Life would be so much easier in a smaller body. I have bought a book and researched my little heart out and I’m hoping to follow the “rules”. 

So here’s where this beautiful blog comes into play. I plan to blog my progress and share a picture of the scale every Monday. This will hold me accountable and hopefully give me a little something to look back on in future months to show me how far I’ve come. 

Here’s day 1 (again for the 5th time at least). Here are my rules:

1. Choose low carb options on a 90/10 rule. 90% of my diet in a week is low carb, 10% is not. 

2. No pop…ever. It’s like liquid death to my body and is just empty calories and sugar. Terrible for those with pcos. It causes inflammation and your system to go haywire. 

3. Don’t stress over exercise. I’m teaching 7 classes and 2 private yoga sessions a week. That’s surely enough exercise. I’m not going to even plan anything on top of that. 

4. Here’s my medicine and supplement regimine. AM: biotin 10,000 mcg, D3, 400 iu, B12 500mcg, metfpormin 500 mg, and my breo inhaler. PM: 2 fish, flax, and borage oil, zinc 50 mg, 1000mg metformin, and my allergy medicine. (Keep in mind the supplements were not prescribed by a doctor. This was something that I read in that book and I’m trying in conjunction with the diet changes). 

5. Weigh weekly on Monday’s and record it. 
I just want to end this post with these final thoughts. I know that this will not cure pcos but I’m doing it in hopes of calming or eliminating the symptoms completely. It is miserable to carry 50+ pounds of extra weight in your abdomen and boobs when you teach yoga classes or ride a bike. It is so scary when your hair falls out in clumps but you have peach fuzz starting to grow along your jawline. It is downright awful when you go for 6+ months without a period and take multiple pregnancy tests to find out that yet again, pcos has stolen your fertility. It is unmanageable when your body finally decides to shed the uterine lining after months and you can’t leave the house for a week because it’s so heavy. And I could go on and on but those are my main symptoms and I really just want a good life. I am happier than I’ve been in years and despite the pcos, I’m healthy. My blood pressure is the lowest it’s ever been, my annual blood work results have shown near perfect numbers, my mental health is like a blooming flower. I feel great otherwise. I just want to have control over my symptoms. 

So with all that said, I share my story here to hopefully stay accountable and help others feel like they’re not alone in this horrible disease. I can’t let it win. I have too much going for me.