The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

Month: June, 2017

Find your happy place

This morning has been beautiful. My kids are still sleeping and I was able to wake up with sunshine flooding in and then take some much needed “me” time out on the patio. Here’s a visual in case you need it 

I love everything about this space in the morning. The shade from the sun, the puffy clouds, the kitties and doggies and even the tractor within view. I love being out here when there is a nice breeze and no where to be. 

As I was browsing Instagram I ran across this caption 

Wow. The part where she says she keeps PUTTING HERSELF in negative spaces just really spoke to me. How many times have we done that and didn’t even realize we were going there? I don’t know how many times I’ve been laying at the pool, soaking up the sun and my book and saw some attractive woman walk by in her bikini and put my mind in a negative space. Or the last time I was in the grocery store and felt bad for my purchases because I had put myself in a negative space. The worst one I do though to myself is when I allow myself to be present and engaged in conversations around me that are not positive. Therefore I am putting myself in that negative place again. 

A few months ago I realized that I was not going to pursue that “under 200 lb” goal that I had set for myself. I knew that that wasn’t what I wanted out of this life. Not necessarily the size but the lifestyle that I would have to choose to go alongside it. It wasn’t for me. I wasn’t willing to go low carb/no carb and work out twice a day to maintain my weight loss. I had chosen a different option and decided to accept whatever consequences came with that. When I did that, I chose to unfollow every single fitness related account on Instagram and Facebook that didn’t align with that thinking. I didn’t want to follow the ones that were bragging about protein shakes and decreasing pants sizes. I wanted to follow real women that were embracing their bodies for what they were and what they could do for them. These same women had beautiful light surrounding them and I was pulled to their pages. In making that choice to pull away from anything that wasn’t positive I allowed that light to fill myself. I took the power back and I chose to feel good about myself. I chose to do yoga as a way to center my mind and align my body. I used it as a tool to set myself up for happiness. 

So looking back I am so glad I removed myself from those negative spaces. There are still so many negative spaces that I need to work on but I feel that just being conscious and meditating on some of them is a start. There will be times that we cannot avoid them and they’ll always be there. But your headspace is only as positive or negative as you let it be. 

Today’s challenge for you is to find your happy place. Give yourself permission to stay there a while and soak it all in. You are absolutely worth it in this moment, at this time, regardless of your body size. 

I just love this Dr. Seuss quote. “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.” 


Transparent Tuesday

I have been feeling very compelled to blog lately. I don’t know exactly how to put my thoughts to words so I’m going to just pour it all out here and hope it isn’t just word vomit. Lol! 

I had previously thought I wanted to lose weight and be smaller and work really hard to be “healthy” and do what I thought the doctors wanted for me. When really I want to be able to eat what I want and teach yoga, staying active and the weight miraculously fall off. Well that’s not gonna happen. Ha! So I’m trying to just find this place where I am happy and healthy. I don’t want to gain any weight, and let’s be honest Ive maintained my weight for over a year so I don’t think that’ll be a problem as long as I don’t binge and I stay active. 

So total transparency, over the course of the past month that I’ve been weighing weekly I have been from 239-242. I dont think that’s anything to get my panties in a bunch about. In fact, maybe I should just measure my body and then revisit those measurements in a few months. That is probably the most accurate way to see change. Either way, if I’m being honest, I am truly happy in my own skin. 

At the pool the other day I had a fleeting thought “maybe I shouldn’t sit this way. People will see my rolls.”  Then I thought “eff that! People see my body in all it’s glory when I’m teaching yoga and I don’t think twice about it.” That’s leads me to my next point. We don’t see our bodies the same way everyone else does. We don’t see ourselves talk. We don’t see how we look when we drive. We don’t see how theback of our hair looks. We don’t live our lives in front of mirrors or on video (at least most of us don’t). So why are we always trying to hide behind skinny trees? 

What I’m saying is, I have tried to hide for far too long and I’ve been miserable. My happiest moments have been spent being in the moment, clearing my mind of any negative bullshit and feeling every moment for what it is. 

I can’t imagine the misery people feel trying to hide or tug or pull their clothes. I can’t imagine the negative uneasy feelings people have when they don’t want to be seen. This is just your body. Your true self really is on the inside. You don’t wear it like an outfit. You live it with your actions. 

Here’s my transparent Tuesday photo. 

This is me in my nightgown, hair a mess, tan lines, messy room, unmade bed and a pop tart in my belly. This is my life right now. I taught two yoga sculpt classes back to back last night and I held poses that I couldn’t do 6 months ago AND taught them to people! What the what?!? 

So I could be sitting here feeling all down and out that the scale hasn’t moved. Or I could be moving forward and living my life happily ever after. I choose happy.  Do things that make you happy. 

Yesterday’s class mantra is really my life mantra. Strong mind, strong body, beautiful heart. Have a lovely Tuesday friends.