Just show up

by kristinwood

This is how I showed up to my yoga mat this morning. 

I was haggard. Still wearing a bit of yesterday’s makeup, bed head, in my favorite stretched out nightgown and with my mind heavy with anxiety. 

I went to bed last night full of anxiety over so many things that I have absolutely no control over. My heart was racing and my body was so so tired. Sometime after midnight, I drifted to sleep and I don’t think I moved til 7 this morning but I woke feeling so very drug down. From the moment my eyes opened, life felt heavy. 

I got up and started in on some work that I needed to do, are some breakfast and tried my best to carry on with my Saturday. But something was still pulling me downward. Something was still churning my insides, knawing at my soul and piercing my mind wit its sharpness. 

You see, sometimes no matter how hard I try to do the right things and be a good person and make good choices, bad things still happen. Bad energy can still surround you. Your light can grow dim and maybe even burn out. Your sparkles can stay in the jar and never grace anyone else with their presence. 

I’m quickly approaching February…the month of the gray cloud. In so many previous years, my mind just can’t handle the gray, dreariness off winter in February. I fight off seasonal depression and my anxiety tends to be on the rise. Last year, I didn’t even feel a speck of the gray cloud during February. I didn’t even notice the cloud was there in fact! I came to the mat every time I could feel it creeping. I journaled and I did yoga and I made time for mindfulness and meditation. 

So today I showed up on the mat. I gave my mind grace and permission to release the tension and stress over things I cannot control. And in my meditation, I watched my out of control phsyche drift downstream, taking with it any of my stress and anxieties. I focused on my breath and faced what was scaring me. 

I showed up for myself today. And despite the ugly gray clouds, my light is still shining.